Black Dog 23

Scaredycat Thankyou -you are a great listener and it's so true that during the night everything seems magnified. Just you and your thoughts and the memories you don't want to remember.
I've seen 'that' look - from the pansies. Mine were in plastic for 3 or 4 dys . They've been in their containers nearly a week now and they're looking well happy! Hope you .managed the planting.
Nadateturbe Oh I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time with one health problem on top of another. It sounds really awful. I hope the multiple pain thing doesn't last too long when you have it. It must be difficult to know how to deal with that and the ME . There are certain antibiotics that don't suit me at all and can have quite a violent reaction. I'm glad you've realised the one that doesn't suit you and you can now avoid it completely- sorry you had to get poorly with it in first place. Try and rest and not only body. Mind and body are so interlinked aren't they.
You really are so kind to come in and post to us. I've just spent some time trying to work out the draft thing but not sure if it's my phone that's baffling me. Think I've accidentally sent an email to Gransnet with the word ' testing' . Oops! Sending you love and a big hug.
Wyllow Your heart being numb in order to survive is really heartbreaking. Such damage done by your ex and perhaps that's why it's difficult for you to trust. So glad you come here to talk to us. X

Bad night with pain -poor DH been disturbed again but he was so good. I'm much better today and it was a fluffball day so the little dog was a good cure for low moods in both of us. She's a little darling really. She got strokes off about 6 people when we went out with her. DH needed a photo to send off for a new driving licence( he's 70 in Nov).
Thankyou all for being so great and supportive .

Doodle You are thought of a lot and I hope you've had company today. It seems to be a help for you . Hope you've not had too bad a day.

Love to all BDs .


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Whiff glad you had a good time in York. We’ve been there too and loved it. Nice place to visit. Did you go to the Jorvik centre (think that’s what it’s called)?
Wyllow I too found it difficult to talk to people. You are right you need to get to know your carer a bit before you can trust enough to help you. I went to bereavement group at church today and they played a song that just had me sitting there in tears.
Sweetpeasue you have the right attitude, keep fighting for your DH to get the care you think he needs. Sometimes we trust the NHS too much. So many times they get things wrong.
Somethings obviously not right.
nadatemturbe so sorry you’re going through such a rough time. If those antibiotics upset you couldn’t the GP prescribe something else?
I think you can copy an email and post it here if that would help. I can do it on my iPad not sure about other things though.
Scaredycat I might get some pansies myself. I could put them on our balcony. Are they winter pansies you’ve bought (you probably realise I don’t know anything about gardening.)
I did have a lovely afternoon yesterday. This afternoon has been more difficult and I’m now struggling to keep a lid on things, I try to keep calm in the evenings,
Sweetpeasue yes I have been at art class this morning and at bereavement group this afternoon. Been a busy day. Lots of cake!

HVDY how have you been today. Is today one of the days you have Little Miss? Tomorrow you’re taking Jaffa to the vet do you have a carrier?

SweetpeaSue Things always seem much worse at night, when everyone else is asleep and there's nobody to tell. Your DH might well have had a TIA at some stage. MRIs don't always show them. I believe I have had one or two, in the past couple of years. I'm glad that you've had the distraction of taking that lovely little dog out. She sounds adorable. Hope you and your husband have a better night tonight.

Whiff Wise words there to SweetpeaSue.

Wyllow3 Your ex did a lot of long-lasting damage to you, your confidence and trust. How was today? Did you go out with your carer?

Nadateturbe Sorry you've been so unwell. Have you got some different antibiotics now? I hope you start to feel better soon.

Doodle How's your day been?
EllieAnne Have you been out at all today?

We didn't have LittleGirl today - she's coming tomorrow instead. I've done nothing really. I find that unless I've got defiite plans to go somewhere or do something, I sit and do nothing. Must sort myself out. Hope ALL BDers have a restful night x

HVDY you might have had TIAs in last2 years, goodness, - but you are always so upbeat in spite of health problems. Hope you enjoyed your relaxing day.
Doodle You are doing so well, I really admire you. But yes, hard to face the lonely evening. Hugs.
Sweetpeasue thanks for the hugs. Sorry about your pain last night. It's lovely to have the little dog to distract you. I suppose you've posted a pic somewhere. I must look.
Catchup with everyone when I can. Still eye problems.
Wushing a peaceful night for all.xx

Meant to say, system still hasn't recovered from antibiotic cefalexin a couple of months ago. Will check with doctor tomorrow if I really need one.

HVDY You are indeed a strong and inspiring lady. You have come through so much. I hope your day is better tomorrow. I'm sure it will be with your very much loved DGD. Children are so innocent and we cannot not be lifted by them.
Doodle Think of you so often. I just can't imagine how very hard it is. Even to keep coming in to post- you are trying so hard to keep going. Yes, NHS is trying to help us but, I think, out of kindness, some medics may be keeping things back, and some can't know. Thankyou , I need to be strong. Hope you sleep well tonight.x

I'm so glad to see you in Nadateturbe but very sorry to hear the circumstances.

I've caught up with you all of course but just dropped into a hopeless dressing gown day, not washed, will have to make more effort tomorrow.

Night night dear BD's all.

nadateturbe I think I've had TIAs. Certainly had at least 2 occasions when I've felt odd (slurred speech, headache, feeling weak), but didn't go anywhere about it. I'm fine, there's not much I can't do that I did before the stroke (Zumba, walking steadily), so all ok. Hope you manage to get advice from your GP about the need for antibiotics, and hope you feel well soon.

Doodle Are you able to talk to people at the bereavement group? Soe songs or music can evoke stong emotions. Hope today will be better for you.

Wyllow3 It's not always easy to make the effort. I hope today will be a bit brighter for you.

LittleGirl arrived at 10.30 (DIL not working, is taking her elderly dog to be PTS) and fell asleep almost straightaway, in DH's arms . I struggled for 15 minutes trying to get Jaffa into the carrier - he simply wouldn't go in and hissed a lot (at least he didn't scratch or bite me). I'll have to try next week. Disappointing, but hey ho. Hope ALL BDers manage to have adecent day x

Hi all.
SweetPeaSue,Yes we did the planting yesterday afternoon. Those pansies still have their eyes on us!
I,m even more tired now after that but have a nasty cold now so that must have been lurking in the distance😩😩
A Fluffball day must have been just what you needed after another upsetting night. Do you think that maybe when things have settled more you might like your own Fluffball?
Hope DH photo comes out ok and not like one of those Criminal ID pics like ours usually do.
You are strong - even though you don’t believe it. You have great strength of character and a fighting spirit when it’s for those you love.
Doodle- I looked up the Jorvik Centre and yes that’s the place we would like to see- did you go there?
Oh the power of music- but the tears are a release and the people you are with understand so well.
I hope they are winter pansies!! We,re rubbish gardeners so only time will tell.
What did you do at Art Class? I cannot motivate myself to draw or paint anymore - wish I could. Mind you Cake is a bit of an incentive!
HVDY- I do admire how calmly you deal with all the health issues you,ve had thrown at you. I,m not much good at sitting doing nothing - Wish I was. My DH could give lessons at it😀😀
Ah your DiL must feel sad today- never easy saying that final goodbye to a loved pet. Maybe Jaffa thought that’s what you had lined up for him as well- only joking😺 He was such a good boy to only hiss - my DD 2 cats have only got to hear the cat box and they leg it!!
I expect by now LittleGirl has woken up and is keeping you both busy- enjoy every minute.
Nadateturbe- so sorry to hear you,ve had such a difficult time. Hope you have a more compatible antibiotic now. You must be so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Take great care of yourself - you are in all our thoughts.
Wyllow- hope today is better for you and you,ve been able to get showered and out of the dressing gown.
It’s so hard to get started with motivation- your Ex did such a number on you and virtually destroyed your confidence. It must be so difficult to dig deep for the effort needed to get the light back in your life. But try and remember that you are as important,valuable,loveable,good,kind funny,clever loving as you have always been . You have a wonderful family who love you. We all so want you to get better.

I went to have routine blood tests today with one of our lovely practice nurses . I had had a message from the surgery to send them 2 BP readings. My biggest phobia is the BP machine whether it’s mine,surgeries or hospitals. So she did it for me as I really am scared- it was the best it’s been for ages. All that anxiety - I,m a wimp.
A little funny story. Afterwards we went to M and S Foodhall for a few treats . I watched a very tiny little boy who,while his parents weren’t watching open the glass security door take out a big Pizza and put it in their basket!! He was very very young. Unfortunately they found it a few minutes later and put it back. He has a bright future I think.

Love to all BDs those mentioned and those not and all readers and posters who come in.xx

The black dog doesn't visit as much as he used to but he was there on Monday when I opened my eyes and he has hung around all week. Does it ever end? It will be 26 years next month since DH died and I think I should be completely better now. Mostly I am but the dog won't let me forget.

HVDY you do quite a lot you must be tired sometimes so a days rest is not a bad thing. Sorry about your DILs dog. She must be upset. Little girl is obviously very happy to have a cuddle with her grandad. Hope you get on better with Jaffa and the pet carrier next time.
Yes I can talk to people at the bereavement group but it’s not counselling just a service and a chance to chat to others in the same situation. It’s really good.
Please if you do feel you’re having more TIAs get checked by the GP. DH has two and went to hospital. They found the main artery in his neck was almost completely blocked. He had to sit still for hours until they operated and cleared it out.
nadateturbe I don’t think I’m doing particularly well but thank you for your kind words. I am really struggling now. Very depressed most mornings and very emotional. Not as good as I was a few weeks ago. The dark skies don’t help but most of all I find I’m missing my darling more and more as time goes on. Sometimes I feel I can’t cope anymore but then there is nothing that can be done so you just go on.
Sorry about your eye problems hope things improve soon.
Wyllow I feel your despair and sympathise. Life can be very frightening when we lose our way. Hugs
Scaredycat yes I will get some winter pansies. You’ve inspired me. Art class was sketching this week and some watercolour.
I did enjoy the Jorvik centre but when I went years ago they had a ride there that took you through various scenes and you got strapped in. At that point I had a complete panic attack and they had to stop the ride and get me and DH outside. 😮
Your M&S story made me laugh 🤣
Sweetpeasue what are you doing this weekend? Are you having that little fluffy dog over. Hope you and DH have a peaceful weekend.
AGA my friend whose husband died over 6 years ago has been having trouble this week too. The dark days don’t help, Just goes to show how much you loved your DH that the hurt is still there. It’s so painful isn’t it. xx

I didn’t say enough last night, nadateturbe, you’e had a very rough time not being able to do very much at all, but glad you came in.

It sounds like Jaffa will need more time to settle with you, HVDY. Frustrating! It’s nice to imagine DH enjoying being a Grandad. A sad day for DiL. You’ve been through a lot health wise.

Sorry to hear about the lurking nasty cold, Scaredeycat Well done for getting the pansies in. Oh for being able to sit and do nothing. Great BP results!

Your words are very kind, I think atm probably the worst thing is that contact with my family doesnt help except very very marginally.But I cant tell them how I am, and nothing to say about what I do, as I dont do stuff.

Hello and welcome AGAA4 as you can see reading back people come and go and gradually get to know each other. Some days are quiet and others busy in here. Sorry to hear the dog came back very powerfully. I'd just say no one here expects you to be other than you are, and somee ppople feel up to commenting on others and some dont both OK.

There isnt a guide book, is there, Doodle?
You are doing all the right things, that unbearable pain is hard to live with, times without hope. Just hugs, and thinking of you. Yes, it is frightening.

I went for a walk in the park - it was gloomy and chilly but better than staying home in dressing gown. As ever, had to self care, eat, and so on, one just koko.


For those BD’s not in today - warm thoughts

Night night BD’s

ScaredyCat Thanks. I don't look like someone who has had a stroke - no one-sided droop (I had a bilateral stroke). A bit of a limp, mainly since this hip problem. Glad your BP was alright. I need to do readings for a week. The story about the little boy made me smile.

AGAA4 Welcome. The Black Dog turns up occasionally with all of us on here. Come back and post whatever/whenever you like.

Doodle Thanks. When I had those strange feelings, they passed within an hour. I already take medications to prevent a proper stroke. The dark mornings are dismal, aren't they? You're doing very well, even though you miss your beloved husband. Koko. Will you see family this weekend?

Wyllow3 You got out and had some fresh air, which was good. Could you keep up with family contact by telling them what you've watched, music you've listened to?

It was a long but lovely day with LittleGirl yesterday. She's into everything now - she doesn't sit still, is toddling about all the time. Took her to an indoor play centre and the park. Son2 picked her up at 7 - he'd been out of the house for 13 hours but last day in that job. Probably see the other GDs later today. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

Hi all.
AGAA4- Welcome. Yes that old dog prowls about and when we,re tired or low pays a visit. Just don’t feed him or let him in and hopefully he,ll go away. If only it was that easy.
I don’t think there is a time when missing someone we loved finishes- it just fades over the years but reminders will always surface- it’s the price we pay for love. Visit here whenever you feel like it - we are kind to each other.
Doodle - it must be a comfort to chat to the people in your Church Group. They understand more than most and some must know you too.
I think it’s in the mornings when the reality of your new situation makes it feel so,hard. Of course the absence of the person you loved most in the world will feel insurmountable but you carry on for him and your lovely family- and for you too.
If you get some Pansies you could try drawing them then painting- water colours are lovely for flowers.
Those Vikings were out to get you- I,m just a bit,fascinated by them and loved the Series called The Last Kingdom.
Wyllow-/it’s such a shame that it’s difficult to chat with your family. I can understand that you don’t want to worry them but they know,you’re not so well and will love you unconditionally and celebrate your small victories.
I think that going for a walk despite the dank weather was a real breakthrough. Such a positive comment about it being better than staying home in the dreaded DG. The Old Wyllow took a step toward the light - you are so brave. KOKO.xx
HVDY- I can’t even do my own BP readings- it freaks me out. Wish I was like you- you take everything in your stride.
Glad you enjoyed your Day,with LittleGirl- she must be wonderful company. She sounds like she could be pretty fearless in all these lovely play places you go to.
Hope you,ve had a lovely day with your other DGC . We are lucky aren’t we to see some of our families often.
EllieAnne- hope this weekend isn’t too much of a trial for you.
Candy,Nadateturbe, SweetPeaSue, Nanny,Allsorts and anyone I,ve omitted plus visitors hope this weekend brings you some gentle moments

It's so good to know I'm not alone. I don't tell any of my family or friends when I feel low. I know it would worry them so it's not fair when they all have busy lives.
Thank you all for replying to me. It means a lot. I think the black dog is sulking now as I've outed him. I hope he will go soon.

Doodle I just can't imagine how hard it is for you- I hope it's been a little better today. I do think the dark mornings and evenings make for longer times on your own and it must make the loss of your dear husband's presence worse. Just want to give you a hug but I know it can't help. Giving you one anyway. No fluffball today - Thursday's and Fridays till son comes back from work. We took her for a little walk yesterday while we had her. Hope you see some friends tomorrow.
Scaredycat You write kindly to everyone. I don't think we'll ever have a fluffball of our own. Many reasons - selfishly perhaps , I think too tieing and limits going away , but mostly I know I would be in for a lot of heartbreak when they went.
HVDY That was very long day you had yesterday . I remember well those indoor play centres that I took my GS too . You took Littlegirl to a park too , my she's a lucky girl. You must have been so tired but they grow so fast don't they. Hope your son is looking forward to his new job. 13 hrs is a long day.
Nadateturbe I do hope you will come out of this bad time soon. Thinking of you and hope today hasn't been too bad.
Wyllow You did so well to go for a walk in the park. You are a brave lady and we are all wish you to make progress and you will. Xx
AGAA4 Hello and good to have you here. Just a few words of kindness can make a huge difference and when I first came here I realised just how much difference that can make. I understand about not wanting to tell family. You can say whatever you want to here. Hope that Black Dog has kept his distance today.
EllieAnneWhiff**Candy**Nanny and all BDs - hope you're OK and have a peaceful night.

Sorry didn't come in yesterday. Didn't feel I could trust myself to text as felt awful and so many of you going through such a difficult time. I'm OK today. Took out aunt. It's been hard for her -my uncle (her brother ) died last week. She enjoyed going out and talking to some people in the coffee shop.
Take care everyone x

AGA you’re always welcome here. No solutions to any problems just a sympathetic ear and you can let out as much or as little as you want. Hope things improve for you soon.
I’ve had a better day today. Had to fight quite hard not to slip into tears but kept busy and tried to carry on. So many things whirling round in my mind I can’t concentrate on anything.
Wyllow I seldom tell my family how I’m feeling. Nothing they can do other than they are already doing. Don’t want to worry them. So pleased you went for a walk. It’s hard to do that at times I know but I’m sure it’s good for you.
HVDY I bet the little one loves spending time with you. Can’t believe she’s toddling around now. Does your son have another job to go to?
Yes I will see one of my sons tomorrow he is going to help me sort my laptop out.
Scaredycat the people at church are lovely and so supportive.
I’ve made some good friends.
I too love the Vikings and watched that program and others like it.
Actually it is the thought of the closeness of my husband fading away that worries me so much. We have always been everything to each other and I find the world without him there by my side a scary place. I cant bear the love we had to fade or get further away. I so desperately want to remember us as we’ve been especially the last years and hold that memory close. My memory is so bad. I’m not worried that I will forget him because that will never happen but I want to remember all the love and fun we had together.
Sweetpasue thank you for the hug. I appreciate it. Yes it’s been a bit better today, I’ve been busy most of the day which always helps. Being on my own is hard but sometimes it’s hard keeping up a front with others.
You know you can always post here. Don’t ever compare what you’re going through with the rest of us. If you’re not feeling great or are upset then that’s what we’re here for so don’t hold back.
Ellie Anne and Candy how are you both?

Doodle- your words tonight made me think. Would you perhaps be able to write about all the happenings that you can remember over all those years of loving but especially these last years that have been so full of life and loving experiences as well as the terrible sadness. You always write so well both with humour and emotion - it would be something you could read to remind you of all you shared. He will always be by your side and so proud of you. Big hug coming overxxx
AGAA4- good to have you here and glad you feel less alone.
SweetPeaSue- glad to see you this evening. Your Aunt must have been so pleased to see you and I!m sorry she lost her brother. Always write how you feel - everyone’s feelings are important . Hope you have a good day tomorrow.
Good night allxx

Scaredycat the sad thing is I can’t remember. I a remember most of what happened in the last 12 months when he was in pain and receiving treatment but I struggle to remember what happened before.
I know we went on cruises and I know where but I can’t remember what we did. It’s so hard to describe but I can’t picture things in my mind like others can so I can’t recall things. It’s a good idea though. x

Doodle I'm thinking the last 12 mths will have been such an ordeal , and that must drown memories that came before. But I think they will come to you in time. I do hope so. I haven't lost DH so I'm not even pretending to know what it's like- I know there was a time, a couple of mths after my mum died, and I went to my aunt, completely afraid that 'life' for everyone was just going on and it was as if my mum never existed and I was so afraid of losing that memory of her. Please excuse me , I do realise it's not the same at all.
Just sending love , cos that's all I can do. X
Scaredycat Such beautiful and sincere words to Doodle from someone who has suffered so much loss. Such love. X

I’m glad you had a lovely day yesterday with LittleGirl HVDY. You’ll see a lot of hr in those precious early years.

You are such a great help for son2, And I hope that you have seen the other GD’s today.

You mention chatting about music, to family, it’s something I cant do atm.

It’s a year now Scardeycat since the old Wyllow was here. Today was another dressing gown day, couldn’t find the motivation.

I can understand you not wanting to do your own BP readings - like maybe, if it’s not so good, someone is right there for you!

I understand what you say about not telling family AGAA4 - it’s sort of protecting them? Hope the Black dog keeps sulking in the opposite direction, but BD is here if not.

Sweetpeasue I thought that might be why you didn’t come in, I was concerned. You are being great with your aunt, well done for taking her out.

Well done Doodle today for carrying on despite the whirring mind. So very hard for you. (Hug) Glad you are seeing a son tomorrow and get techie sorted.
Your love with DH was so very special and close Honestly, I believe you will recover the “before”. You’re still in shock (hug)…and the depression clouds happier day but not for good.

As I said above, another bad dressing gown day. Cold miserable outside, managed to get through the day: its living with the no future thoughts thats hard and gets in the way of actually doing things that could make things better. Peverse, but an aspect of my MH stuff.

AGAA4 How are you today? Some of us on here take antidepressants. Are you on them? I found they helped me enormously.

SweetpeaSue Nice that you took your aunt out. Does she realise her brother has died? Hope you and your husband are getting on ok. Do carry on telling us how you are, though.

Doodle Do you remember the occasions when you look at photos of your husband or holidays? I think the brain has a way of blocking out some memories, but they'll return. It's good that our sons know about technology, isn't it - Our Son1 had to tune in our new tv the other week.

Wyllow3 We had lovely weather here yesterday (Nottingham). I got 3 loads of washing dry on the line. It's changed now and is foggy this morning. I remember it was a year since "the old Wyllow" was here. (your family were going to visit) Did anything trigger things off?

Didn't see the other GDs yesterday, but the eldest sent me various WhatsApp message and photos (she does so every day), mainly of the dog and cat. GD2 also messaged, as I asked what she'd like for her upcoming birthday. She'd like a surprise . Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x



Doodle Son2's new job is a bit nearer to home, and £7k more. He had to work 3 months' notice. Same type of work (Payroll Manager for another large company)

*

Morning all.
No wonder this cold has poleaxed me a bit - we,ve just tested positive for flippin Covid. I felt this morning that it was more than a cold so after a quick visit to Boots and DH not feeling so good either we tested. I,d forgotten how exhausting it was first time around. Still can loll around now without worrying about what needs doing . Every cloud eh!!
Doodle- do you have holiday photos that can jog your memory a bit? It must be a very frustrating thing to have . Do you have photos on your iPad or phone - you could make a photo book with visual memories. Your DH liked to take photos too didn’t he . It,ll be nice to spend time today with your Son- he must have lots of memories of his Dad. When it’s not so raw you will be able to talk with your boys and hear their stories.
Take care Doodle - we all love you.
SweetPeaSue- I think you describe very well the feeling of not wanting people to forget about those we loved so much.
Hope you’re able to enjoy some time today with DH - have you been to the beach lately?
Hope you get to chat to the GP this week and clear your mind a bit.
Wyllow- I understand that right now you feel there is nothing to look forward to so what’s the point. I think it’s learning to take pleasure in the small stuff. Looking out the window and watching the birds, eating a nice biscuit, a favourite tv programme, a glass of wine, all those little things that make up a day. Your Ex had no right to take away your self esteem and spirit- you are better than that. Let the next year see the return of our Old Wyllow - that lovely chatty ,warm lady we all love.
One step at a time.
HVDY- it’s so nice to be able to communicate with your GC via WhatsApp etc . What would we do without that lovely technology that helps keep them close. Your eldest GD is an animal person like you- how is Jaffa by the way.
Oh how old is GD2? What are you thinking of getting her.
Good news about Son 2,s job - it will make his life a bit easier .
Have a good day - not too much work!!
My DH just said there’s an E Mail from my Sister- we should have talked yesterday but she has lost her voice!!

Candy, EllieAnne, Whiff,Nadateturbe, Nanny ,Allsorts, AGAA4, and any I,ve unintentionally left out have the best day you can. I,m now going to read my Sisters Email and sit and wallow in my Covid Misery!! DH too!!xxx

Scaredeycat hope you feel better soon. Covid is such sapper of energy so look after yourself and thank you for the welcome.
Doodledog I have found as time went on that the memories have become more clear. I just seemed to see the last few awful weeks of DHs life at first but those memories have faded and the happier ones surfaced.
I know it's all very raw for you now.💐
I am starting to feel a bit better thanks mainly to all the kindness on here. The dog is still here but moving towards the door. Life can be difficult at times
To all BDs I wish you the best day possible and hope to get to know you better.