Black Dog 23

EllieAnne I hope your daughter replies soon. My Son2 is hopeless at replying - it can be days or a week before he does. I think they get so busy at work, then home life is often hectic as well. What did you bake? I bet the church people will enjoy your efforts.

SweetpeaSue Sorry you had to abandon your walk, but at least you tried. Hope your husband gets on ok tomorrow. You're not too honest, this is a place where we can say how we feel.

Wyllow3 The snow has all gone, and it's been sunny here. I hope you manage to get out soon and ge a bit of fresh air.

ScaredyCat My brother only texts or rings me when he's upset or worried. I texted him this morning, about my H. No reply, he's so self-centred. Perhaps your niece needs someone to try to get the cyst seen to - sometimes, being persistent is the only way to get things done.

DH got the CPAP machine - the doctor told him his apnea-hypopnea index (AHI) score was 61 (anything of 30 and above is severe sleep apnoea, whereas 5 is "normal" or average. He tried it at the hospital and said the machine isn't noisy. It automatically sends readings directly to the hospital, apparently, so someone can keep an eye on things.

Son1 is at the walk-in centre about the cough/chest infection he's had for weeks (111 told him to go there) - there was a 5 hour waiting time when I dropped him off at 3.30.

Hope ALL BDers have a relaxing evening x

Wyllow Such a coincidence that your father too died at 56 when you were young. Obviously there are better treatments for many things now that weren't available then.
How have you been today? Hope the snow has all gone where you are now.
The monkey pic must be well known then. I know DH downloads pics and likes to see how well he can reproduce them. Glad it made you smile.
HVDY No I probably won't get Fluffball a pressie but she'll get plenty of cuddles instead.
I hope your DH gets on OK with the CPap machine. Is it because of his snoring causing sleep apnea? I wonder if this is a trial so hospital can monitor things for a set time. I do hope your DH gets on well with it.
Aw your son is having a rough time too. He will get really fed up waiting so long to be seen so hope he gets some good advice/treatment and most of all a thorough chest examination.
EllieAnne I feel for you feeling so very low. Your circumstances are having such a bad effect on you. I'm glad you have your church and friends to comfort a little. Are you doing a choir concert this Christmas? Hope your DD messaged you today. You did well to do that baking for the Tuesday. Yes, you can always be honest here.
Scaredycat So your Dad had a heart attack too. As you say, no time for goodbyes. There's much in common here isn't there - with Wyllow too. Your kind words to Wyllow are so true.
DH's nerve test today wasn't too bad but they did stick a lot of needles into his arm muscles! 🫣
My DH likes to paint faces very much. Portraits have always been his favourite thing.
You are doing well to start on the Christmas shopping. Think I'm burying my head in the sand.
Doodle Hope you've had company today. Your steak and ale pie sounded lovely -with it's thin crisp pastry. It's a home comfort dish that my own DH loves.
I'll have to start thinking about getting our tree up soon. I don't much like all the setting up but it's nice when it's finished.

Well , the Dr who did his muscle test(electromyography?) told us the previous nerve induction test on his left arm ( the one affected by Subclavian Steal) showed it wasn't carpal tunnel at all, which I always thought. Now , perhaps the Vascular Dr will take note-- the pain in his hand / arm is very real. I read that fingers can get necrosis if Subclavian Steal left too long and circulation is so bad in left arm. Such a lot of time wasted . He should now get an appt again with hand Dr to confirm it. DH feeling low tonight with all this ongoing.

Hoping everyone has been as OK as can be. Thinking of you Nadateturbe and hoping your pain hasn't been as bad today.xx

SweetpeaSue DH has had horrendous snoring for years but he had to wear a monitor all night, that's how the hospital disvobered he's been stopping breathing 61 times in a night. They say it's very severe. Oh your poor husband must be so fed up. You knew what the problem was with his arm and they didn't take notice. Bloody hell.

Son1 spent 3 hours at the walk in centre, they did an ecg, didn't prescribe anything, told him to go to hospital for a chest xray tomorrow! What a waste of time. He doesn't get paid when he's off work either

HVDY Oh I'm so glad they found out how bad your DHs sleep apnea was. He definitely needs to be monitored then so I hope this machine helps.
Yes, I found it's rare for carpal tunnel to need redoing but also, he never had any hand pain until the Subclavian Steal. Sometimes they make you doubt yourself. Like the GCA - you know your own DH don't you.

What a waste of 3 hrs for your son. At least they did an ECG but often a GP surgery can do one too.
Hope if your son manages the chest x-ray it's OK but I can see the loss of a full day's pay is pretty substantial. Poor lad, he's put up with this chest infection and cough too long.

Dd eventually got back to me but she has a lot of work this weekend so going wouldn’t be a good idea. Don’t know if I am relieved or sad.
Dh and I aren’t getting on at all. I’ve been nagging’ him about some things that I ve just been putting up with for ages. I won’t go into it but he often leaves a horrible mess on the toilet seat and I’m fed up cleaning up after him.
Anyway he didn’t like me saying.
Group was hard tonight. Feel if they knew my background they would look down on me. Today not a good day.

Oh EllieAnne If people look down on you they are very wrong and not worth knowing.
Sounds as if it's not the best time for your DD to meet up - but that's OK EllieAnne- best to meet up when you're both ready. It's good your DD can be honest - she feels very comfortable with you to be so.
So sorry it wasn't a better day for you. I feel you are so hard on yourself , especially when you have so much to deal with. You are certainly not kind to yourself in any way and blame yourself for all family situations , but that really can't be true. You seem to have so much responsibility for the household chores and you help with family greatly.
You are such a valuable part of your family - I don't know where they'd be without you.
Big hug and sincere love.

Sweetpeasue good thing the carpel tunnel syndrome has been ruled out, I hope now the consultants take notice of what you’ve been saying all along.
Not surprised your DH is feeling low. All these tests and no one taking action plus all the pain he’s in.
Is your DH still able to do his painting? He’s very talented.
HVDY glad your DH has got the CPAP machine and that it is being monitored. (I have my heart monitored by a gadget too)
He’s obviously got a serious problem. Good thing it’s been found out and being monitored should put your mind at rest a bit.
Sorry about your son. Shame they couldn’t do the X-ray while he was there. He’s been quite poorly hasn’t he.
Ellie Anne Im glad your daughter got back to you. At least you know she’s ok.
What a problem with your DH. Sounds as though you’re having a tough week.
We often feel like people are looking down on us when our self esteem is low. Truth is if people do look down on you then they’re not the sort of friends you need. You have a right to be treated just as well as everyone else.
Wish I could do more but sending hugs and prayers.
Scaredycat having 2 sons who can cook is nothing to do with me. I’m awful 🤣. They have taught themselves. One of my DIls doesn’t cook at all the other does and takes turns with our son.
I decided to tackle the Christmas decorations rather than let it be something I kept putting off.
I’ve had a reasonably day today but I have this strange nagging in my mind. Thoughts that lurk at the back of my mind and if I allow myself to think about them I know I will be crying and not stop. It means I’m on edge a lot of the time as I’m trying to think more positive thoughts. I have no idea whether that’s a good idea or not.
Your poor niece. She must be so fed up with this situation and and scared too no doubt.
Willow you’re trying to make progress. Good for you. Hope you do get out tomorrow and the weathers better. Card writing is difficult I just tackled the whole lot in one go then it’s done. Didn’t write in any of them like I usually do except for family and friends who’ve been so kind to me

HI Scaredycat the same with my Dad too, heart attack, mum went into M hospital.

I really hope it’s not too long for niece, I hope they can push I know its not say for some.

I did get out to shop, empty fridge, and bought some Christmas cards. Better than being in all day, but mood very low, st on whats the point unless distracting.

I really hope the CPAP machine works for DH, thats a really really high score, HVDY. Thats a very long wait for poor Son1….only to be sent on. Hoping the X ray is helpful, sorry he has to lose wages for it. (Work contracts these days!)

You seem to have got a little further on after DH’s tests, Sweetpeasue Hoping for a hand doctor appointment soon. Yes, its tiring and worrying for DH.

EllieAnne I can understand the mixed feelings about DD. Can you just do WhatsApp's for now, until it feels easier to consider pushing to meet or she suggests it?
I definitely feel you are right to take your DH to task for the cleaning!
Sweetpeasue has said what I feel about your life atm. And *Doodle saying is it self-esteem with th group. Its really tough.

Doodle that conflict in your mind - my honest thought is to try and find ways of sometimes giving into crying, grieving and sometimes “making” positive thoughts, but its something to talk to your counsellor about x

Hi all.
HVDY- Gosh that was a high score for the SA. I really hope the CPAP machine helps him. As I said before my BiL has used his now for several years and hope your DH gets the same benefit as he does.
What a pain for your Son - all that time wasted and he still has to take time off for the XRay. It’s added pressure to lose money
As well.
My GDs little cat that had the accident is having her tail amputated today as the tissue is dead. She has kidney disease and hyperthyroidism too so My GD is worried for her- always something isn’t there.
SweetPeaSue- oh I bet those needles weren’t too nice for your DH- yes he certainly needs another hand appointment no wonder he is fed up.
Hope you are ok today and able to do something with DH to distract him from all these frustrations.
Doodle- perhaps you are putting too much pressure on yourself to be positive. No one is positive all the time and you need the outlet of letting feelings just happen sometimes.
You have done a lot these last few days - none of which was easy. Conflicting emotions are natural in your mind tight now.
You need to rest as well and look after yourself.
It’s Church day tomorrow isn’t it - let the peace ,love and light surround you and seek out your kind friends.
Wyllow- that was a good post for us all.
Ah your Dad left suddenly too - mine had had nervous breakdowns too . I,m sorry your Mum was not well too.
Well done with the shopping and cards too. You are right it is much better than being in all the time and another achievement on your road to better times. Many things in life seem pointless when you are low but they are what make up
our days and sometimes can be surprisingly enjoyable or worthwhile.
Hope DGD is still doing well and enjoying school.
EllieAnne- glad you heard from DD. It’s good she can say if she’s busy . It doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to see or talk to you - just that she’s busy.
Good for you to make DH aware that some domestic tasks are way too much. ! Might make him think.
You are so hard on yourself. People won’t look down on you . They will see what we see - someone who loves her family ,works hard for them and always does her best. If they don’t they are not worth bothering with anyway. Treat yourself more kindly.
Nadateturbe - hope you,re more comfortable today.

Love to all - BDs ,readers , occasional posters and those we,ve not seen lately.

Wyllow that was a lot of toos!!

EllieAnne You don't need to tell your group anything about your situation if you don't want to, but IF they looked down on you for any reason, they wouldn't be very good friends. Why don't you leave cleaning wipes in the bathroom and tell your husband to wipe up his own mess. I hope you've got your heating on now.

SweetpeaSue You certainly do know your husband, and you've been right all along. It's so frustrating to not be listened to. I hope today has been better for you both.

Doodle Nobody can feel positive all the time. Don't feel you have to put on a brave face too much. Let your emotions out. You're doing so well in trying to get on with Christmas things when you don't feel like it.

Wyllow3 You lost your dad to a heart attack too. DH's dad died on New Year's Eve, 1995. He and DH's mum were out at a dinner & dance, and he keeled over and died. He was 65.
You've done well to get the Christmas cards and food shopping.

ScaredyCat Poor little cat, but she will adapt to not having a tail. One of our cats had an overactive thyroid and kidney failure. She was on daily medication for the last 4 years of her life - one was agel that had to be rubbed into the fleshy part of one ear, the other was a liquid syringed into her mouth. She lived to be 18 or so.

DH wore the mask last night. It's silent, and he didn't snore once! Son1 had an x-ray, various blood tests, BP readings, ECG. All ok. They said he's got a bad virus and that his chest muscles have been strained due to all the coughing. He was at the hospital for 4 hours.

Had LittleGirl today, so a full and tiring day. She went home at 5. Hope ALL BDers have a cosy evening x

Doodle Sounds as if that 'strange nagging in your mind' is really your grief and you don't want to put a name to it or acknowledge it? Just guessing, but it seems you are trying so very hard
and being very strict with yourself ,so as not to give in to your very real depth of sadness. Please be kind to yourself too. You have made amazing efforts to continue to live your life with friends and taking up new hobbies. I do feel for you. Sending ❤️.
Yes thsnkyou DH can still do his painting as its the left arm that's affected( he's right handed).
Scaredycat Oh your DGDs poor little cat. I've never heard of such a thing as an amputated tail - I do hope the cat will get well soon- your DGD must feel quite upset.
Yes, those needles were inserted at quite a depth with lots of squiggles on the machine. DH left with a few red marks but no bruises or anything like that. He didn't think it too bad at all.
HVDY Oh I'm so pleased that your DH got relief from the mask last night and it stopped the snoring too. He will feel so much better getting good sleep.
Aw your son must have really suffered with all that coughing. Good all the tests and readings OK. Will he now continue with some antibiotics to help with the infection? He must have been through hell with such a bad virus.
You'll need a quiet night after having an active Littlegirl all day. Doesn't seem so long you were buying the first baby clothes!
* Wyllow* I was pleased to hear you got out for the shop and your cards. I understand what you mean about the 'forcing' yourself to do these things. Sometimes that's all we can do - but much better to feel as if you are actually 'wanting' to do things rather than koko.
Hope you've not had too bad a day today. We all care so much.
EllieAnne Thinking of you today and hoping you've seen a friend or had a little distraction with a walk.

Saw son today for half n hr. He was busy painting /decorating. We called in , knew he was alone, but didn't want to stop him. DH had call from surgery practice nurse this morning about his high cholesterol. She told him his statistics meant he was 31 % risk of heart attack - his cholesterol was up higher than last yrs normal range but think it's due to steroids. I honestly think we eat low fat diet though DH does like cheese.
I'm feeling so low with no energy- like I'm sinking -just want to cry. Feel ashamed to admit it when others here much worse off. Nearly didn't post but I'll be OK.

Love to all and wishing everyone a peaceful night.

Willow I think distracting is the point. I do anything I can think of to distract myself from my thoughts. Dwelling on things doesn’t help but it’s a hard habit to break. Distraction is a recognised way of coping with grief as long as you leave space to deal with grief too.
I do give into crying. Every day. Sometimes a little sometimes a lot but in order to get by I have to find some distraction too. Not easy is it?
Scaredycat oh that poor little cat. Hope she manages without her tail and is ok.
You’re quite right. I need to rest too. Tomorrow as you say is church day and I love it there. I might go to the hospice later this week it has become a special place for me.
HVDY I feel I’m letting my emotions out too much. That I ought to be brave and say I’m Ok when I’m not. I would find it so hard to deal with someone who is bereaved. I wouldn’t have a clue what to say so I can’t expect others to have the answers.
Wow that is a success for your DH. Must be good for you both not to be so worried. Hope it continues.
Glad your son’s test results are ok. Let’s hope he feels better too soon. I bet little girl had fun.
Sweetpeasue I do cry a lot but can’t cry all the time. When I’m out with people I need to hold it back a bit. Also being in that really bad state is very frightening. You feel scared you might not be able to claw your way out. I think you feel something like that too. Constant pain and worry can drain you and make you feel exhausted. Your DH needs proper assessment soon for both your sakes.
Please don’t ever compare your troubles with anyone else’s. As we’ve always said on this thread, there is no pecking order. Everyone’s troubles are equally valid. If you’ve got problems and worries, the causes might be different but the effect is the same.
Yes I know you care. You’re a good friend. Thank you.

I found a short verse last night that really got to me. It described so simply exactly how I feel. . I might post it sometime but don’t want to upset anyone . Some people have a way with words.

Doodle Please post your verse.
I've just lost a post replying to you. The MH group was also given a list of encouraging quotes. I didn't post them in case they looked like quaint platitudes, but some I thought were thoughtful and helpful.
I would be interested in the words you found so helpful or that described how you feel.

I'm not feeling up to posting tonight dressing gown day, but I have followed the posts and - what honesty and truth in the reflections and sharing, thank you just for that. Carer tomorrow.

Night night all and xx see you all tomorrow.

SweetpeaSue Son1 wasn't prescribed anything, so he'll just take Paracetamol and Ibuprofen. You're right, steroids do cause an increase in cholesterol and blood sugar, as well as BP. You're low because it must feel as though you've got one thing after another to worry about. I understand that. Your fears and concerns are bound to make you fed-up. All anyone can do is their best, and you're doing that.

Doodle You don't need to pretend to be brave on here. It can't be easy to carry on sometimes, but please koko.

Wyllow3 Hope you can get out with your carer today.

I heard DH snoring early this morning (he was in the next room). He said he'd taken the mask off because it was drying his mouth. After a bit of a telling-off, he's gone out for breakfast with his friends. Hope ALL BDers mange to have a decent day x

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hi all I posted the verse then asked for it to be withdrawn. Sweetpeasue it wasn’t words I found helpful but words that described how I feel. I thought it might upset you so asked for it to be deleted. Back later all

Dear Doodle - that was so very kind of you. I did read it this morning and it was such a powerful description of the grief yourself and others carry around with them - don't worry - it's not fair to yourself if you can't be honest . I see what you mean about having a true description of your feelings- you also know someone else who wrote those words understands what it's like. That you're not alone. I hope you let your counsellor know too. I do feel for you.

At MH group we were given an A4 page of 'inspirational' quotes. There were some interesting words though can sound like platitudes at times, depending on how you feel.

I hope today hasn't been too bad for you and you've not been completely alone - I know it helps you to be distracted. I wish there was something I could say but you know how much we all care here. Sending love. X
HVDY You had to give your DH a telling off this morning about the mask. Oh dear , you must have felt very frustrated but are naturally worried about him -he needs to use it.
Hope the dust has settled and he gets on better with it tonight. It might just take a little while to get used to.
Thanks for words and reassurance about DH. He's just come back from having his BP took in the surgery. He had to explain again about the difference in arms. She needs to notify GP about it being high ( it was same as it was here before he went) so not 'white coat' syndrome. The Dr at hospital says he needs to be treated for the high BP in right arm so back to GP again next week.
Wyllow Glad you find some words helpful in some way. Sorry it was bad day for you. Take care.

Didn't go to book group as not up to it.
Hoping all have been OK. X

Sweetpeasue I was hoping not to upset you. It is indeed a very apt description of how I feel.
I’ve had a good day. Church this morning then with friend for the afternoon. It was very nice. She has a little dog so enjoyed stroking him and playing with him.
Do you think overall the MH group has helped you?
Hope the nurse reports you DH’s BP to the GP and they do something about it,
HVDY I used to have some pastilles for a dry mouth as some of the tablets I take make my mouth very dry. Can’t remember what they were called but they produce saliva. You could ask at the chemist. Naughty Mr HVDY I hope he’s suitably chastised and won’t do that again.
Willow hope you feel better tomorrow and you manage to get out with your carer.
Scaredycat it’s been really cold here today. I’ve not been put much but when I have been my hands have got frozen. I hate getting chilled. I have purchased thermal vests this year and have been glad of them to be honest, have you been out at all?

SweetpeaSue There is a lack of communication if the hospital doctor says your husband needs treatment for his BP yet the GP hasn't done anything about it. I hope he gets sorted out soon. It seems patients have to ask for help nowadays, which isn't right.

Doodle Glad you had some company. Pets are lovely to make a fuss of. Thanks for that about the pastilles, I'll have a look tomorrow. In the meantime, I'll ensure DH has a glass of water on the bedside table.

Hope all BDers have been ok today x

HVDY that check up for your son took a long time but I’m glad anything bad was ruled out. I do hope he feels better soon. Was glad to read yesterday that your DH machine had helped but it seems like it will take some getting used to.

Doodle it sounds as if you found a verse that connected very powerfully for you, and just hope it helps a little, a connection to your feelings . Glad to was a better day with church and your friend and you had your glass of wine tonight. Hugs for your sorrow x

Sweetpeasue reading your yesterday I really understood just how fed up the constant worry is about DH, it must feel like chasing round all the time fitting the pieces together. Hope the GP will help with the high BP. Wise not to force yourself to go to the group.

Thoughts for those not in today xx

Last night was a really bad night. I expect many here wake not feeling up to the day ahead but especially bad. Whats the point stuff which is so hard to bear.
It was good the carer came and we went for a walk.. Cried which really do and it was about the awfulness of Ex and the confusions of abuse and love. I could do with seeing her more, it did help a bit she is very good - or just the right person for me. Not sorted another person yet, a 20 something person had been suggested but thats a no I want an older person.

Oh willow I wish I was near you and we could walk together. I understand you needing an older person.
I’m desperately lonely just now because I can’t share with anyone how I am really feeling.
Thinking of you all this morning. So much sadness. So many worries.

Hi all
HVDY- I think those CPAPs must take a bit of getting used to but hopefully your ticking off will do the trick for DH!! That first night proved how good they are didn’t it.
Glad little girl was back to full throttle and keeping you busy again. She must be delightful company - hope she has another Xmas outfit this year. Hope too your Son is starting to improve - that was a nasty virus.
SweetPeaSue- very kind and insightful words for Doodle.
Good to see your son even if only for a brief time- I would love to be able to do that.
I do hope yourDH can get this BP problem sorted out properly. There seems to be a lot of toing and froing for him and no solution or coordination.
Your head must be so tired with it all so a rest from BookClub was a good idea. Sometimes those things are just too wearying on the day- I feel like that with WI.
Doodle I,m so pleased you had a nice day yesterday. A cuddle with a furry friend is always comforting isn’t it.
Letting your emotions out doesn’t mean you are not brave you’re just living honestly and feeling all those things that none of us can prepare for.You would be the kindest and most loving person to deal with someone in your position- you always say the right thing to us all.
Yes it’s been cold here too the last couple of days- very heavy frost this morning.
We went yesterday to visit our friend with Alzheimer’s. She has got much worse since our last visit . She still manages to live alone but now I wonder for how long. Her DH is in a care home with the same condition- so so sad. She has no idea she is ill as they don’t think she could cope with that knowledge. Many here have watched their loved ones become ill - I think it is one of the cruellest things to witness.
Wyllow- it did you good to be with your carer and walk. It sounds like you are building up a good open relationship.
Those feelings your ex has left you with have done such damage to you. I think that you realise how unkind and destructive he was but the reality of it is hard to reconcile when you felt only love. You are worth so much more than that. It has left you feeling there is no point in anything as you only get hurt and dissappointed. Hopefully the carer will help you to start to let people in and realise life can be good again. I understand you wanting an older person for those couple of weeks but maybe a young one might bring a different perspective to everything.
Hope you got out today the sun is shining.
EllieAnne- your loneliness is so heartrending and I wish you had someone you could talk to and let all that sadness out. You can share with us of course but wish there was more we could do. Hug coming your way.
Love to all