Black Dog 24

nanny couldn’t the dog be muzzled while you’re there or put in a crate? Is it a big dog? Seems such a shame you can’t be with her more often. Do you work everyday?
It is the silence. It’s one that no amount of noise can fill.

doodle it's the crushing silence isn't it. I feel like if I ran away nobody would notice. Nobody cares if I'm going to be late home. It's an awful feeling. I'm just not needed any more. Surplus to requirements

doodle I can visit my DD any time she loves it cos the DGD only want nanny so she's gets peace. However, one of my dogs will bite the girls so I could only go for a coffee and leave but that's a bit much as she's 2.5 hours away

Wyllow could the Quaker friend come to you for a coffee? If it’s possible for you to afford it, could you get someone to sort the garden. I’m sure it would make you feel better and with spring coming you could get outside.
HVDY we keep worrying about our children and grandchildren don’t we. Doesn’t matter how old they are. I’ve been really bad last night and this morning. It’s brought home to me how much I relied on Dh to talk things over with and that in turn has made me miss him even more . Not been a good day today.
Hope things improve with your DGD. How are your eyes now?
Scaredycat church is so good for me. The people there are lovely and I like being in church. Lighting candles and sitting peacefully. Your poor sister must be at wits end about her daughter. It seems she’s been waiting such a long time.
My eyes look awful. I have big black marks under them and the eye lids are swollen and puffy. I’m hoping if I’m ok tonight they won’t look so bad tomorrow.
Lucyd thank you for the hug. It must be hard for you thinking of all your Dh misses out on. Glad you had a nice afternoon with friends. Good company does help.
Nanny it doesn’t sound silly at all. I know exactly what your mean. I had some news that upset me but it was Dh not being here to talk to that really hit home. You have suffered a really traumatic event with your son and family leaving and I’m not surprised at how you say you’re feeling. I’m sorry my mind is so fuzzy at the moment I can’t remember if you’ve got other family. I think you have a daughter. Could you go and visit her?
I’m sending you a big hug. Nothing will make those feelings any better. Can you face time your son or make some plans for a visit.?
Sweetpeasue how did your coffee go. I hope it was all ok?
How are you and your Dh today?

Good Evening…….

I’ve just come home from a Patient Participation Group Meeting (serving teas for a change!!) …it’s a meeting for patients, our gps and surgery staff members, quite interesting and any news from the surgery is shared…

I’ve been invited to go and watch the new Bridget Jones film, but a friend has said it deals with a lot of grief…..has anyone else seen it. She was concerned I would find it too distressing…

Wyllow3…sending you hugs and love.

HVDY…yes my grandson is so so lovely. He misses his Poppa so much, misses talking football with him.

nanny2507…I’m so sorry you’re feeling so very low..I’m not sure of all your circumstances but am sending many many hugs..

scaredycat…..We have a nice sized Waitrose which also sells some ‘bits’ from John Lewis. I am going to book the Cat Cafe and take my two granddaughters.

EllieAnn…hope you felt a little better today. Hugs…..

Sweetpeasue….thank you for your kind words.

Doodle….your church sounds so supportive and like me, you obviously get great comfort from being there. Our Revd messaged me over the weekend offering to come and visit me for a chat, which I have taken her up on. I hope you are okay, from reading the posts, you have further worries, thinking of you.

Love, strength and prayers to you all. ❤️🙏💐

Hi all. Thanks for all your kind words. I feel like I did when DH died. That may sound silly but it's how I feel. I feel sick. I cant eat. Had to leave work a tad early today as I just couldn't hold back my tears. I really dont want to be here anymore. If my life is always going to be this way I would rather end it. Please don't think I'm going to do anything because I'm not. I am just stating how I feel. My anxiety is through the roof. I don't like the emptiness. It's heartbreaking

Hi Everyone.
HVDY - love the costumes. Don't know much about steam punk though there have been a couple of steam punk weekends in a town near here (unfortunately I was in hospital during the first one and working during the second one). My friend said the outfits were fantastic. Hope to get to see it this year. Hoope you had a lovely day with Little Girl.
Doodle - am sending you a big virtual hug, I wish I could give you a real one. Sometimes it just all seems so very sad doesn't it? I look at my wee grandchildren and think it's just not fair that my dh never got to see my son married or to hold or play with the wee ones. So many things he has missed. I just keep telling myself that while he is not physically here his spirit is and therefore he must know.
Nanny2507 - no wonder you feel so bereft. Do you know when you can go and visit them? If you have a date to kook forward to and plan towards that may help?
Went out with a couple of friends this afternoon which was an expected treat. Cheered me up as have been feeling cross and down due to something son and dil did at the weekend. They spent a lot of money on another pet which will be a commitment for many years (they have also spent many hundreds of pounds recently on items which they don't need). It is up to them what they spend money on but dil is not going back to work due to high cost of childcare and they owe me several thousand pounds for basic stuff like utilities, house insurance, planning fees, council tax, etc. I know I will get the money eventually and I don't actually need it but it just annoys me they think " oh Mummy will be fine with it". Sorry, rant over.
Absolutely freezing here and snow forecast overnight. Still, to get milder after that - fingers crossed!
Hope all BDers have had a decent day and a peaceful day. Pro is not to rant about son and dil the next time.

ScaredyCat No, they don't dance . Had LittleGirl and GD1 today. LG slept 1.5hrs, then we went out for lunch. Bitterly cold here so went to a very nice park that's got a well-equipped children's play area - a huge sandpit included. Then Morrison's to but desserts for the GDs and a book for LG. DIL collected baby at 4.15. He's just taking GD1 home.

How has everyone been? I find that unless I have definite plans to go somewhere or see someone, I sit and do nothing (DH loves to just sit in the house all day), so I'll have to think of something to do tomorrow x

Hi all
HVDY- what fantastic costumes and pics. Do they do special dancing as well? You must have had some great times. Your Grandaughters must be full of admiration for you- you looked amazing.
Hope you are enjoying Little Girl today- the sun is out here .
Hope it’s out by the river too. Does she enjoy feeding the ducks?
EllieAnne- I,m sorry you feel so down . I understand your concerns for your DD- just keep in contact with her even if she doesn’t answer. She,ll be glad you’re there.
You have a family who love and need you - everything worth going on for. I think you should try and see your GP and ask about ADs. They have made such a difference for me personally and there are several here who would say the same.
You could also mention the sleeping - you could be right about it being a way to block off. As SweetPeaSue says - hang on in there.
Nanny2507- Oh how bereft you must feel- so much to miss and grieve for. But soon it will be Spring and hopefully you can visit your family.
You must feel exhausted with all the upheaval and tears. I know that sick feeling in the pit of the stomach . I had it when my DS went to live in another country. You will get used to it but it will take time. Please come and talk to us if it helps - sending a healing hug.
SweetPeaSue- hope you did manage to meet up with the MH lady . She is probably nervous too. You’re sure to find some common ground as you both felt comfortable with each other when you met. You,ll never know if you don’t go.
What a kind thing to do for the lady in the care home- she will love her little dolly friend.
Doodle- your church certainly helps give structure to your week and is a wonderful example of how a Church should be. I,m glad you have that lovely place.
Yes my neice has waited so long what was a small cyst is now a giant one. My sister is exhausted with it all and keeps getting awful throats. So concerned for her.
I,m so sorry you have been upset by some family news. It’s hard to ignore the worries of those we love isn’t it. You must miss DH wise words and support very much. I,m sure you have ‘ talked’ with him over the situation. I hope whatever it is the problem is resolved soon . Your poor eyes must ache- hope you were able to sleep and rest them last night.
Wyllow- I wish you could pop out of your shell for a while and have coffee with your friend. I know it would take a massive effort but the feeling of achievement and the friendly face would be wonderful for you. But a little start could be just a phone chat- a little chink of light in the dark.
Your garden could be a little haven this Spring and Summer- I think I remember you used to read out there. A small garden company could tidy it up really quickly.
Hope the shopping went well today- any nice goodies?

Take care all

Doodle We don't go any more (it would have been too expensive to keep buying costumes. We had a couple each). I'm fine, thanks. So sorry you're so upset and concerned about your family member. Yes, it upsets us when they're hurt or worried. I'm bothered about GD1. She's been causing a lot of worry for her dad (Son1). Teenagers..........

Wyllow3 Would that be something you could aim for - connecting with your Quaker contact and meeting for coffee?

Having Little Girl today - mum is off work but doing something with the elder girl. We'll pick up GD1 too, go for lunch and to a park or down by the river. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

Thank you for the steampunk pictures, HVDY. Looks fun. Sorry you’re having trouble getting out.

Aw, nanny2507. Big hug for you. A really tough time x

Scaredycat hey, great you managed that walk and coffee. Great natter.
I cant believe how long your niece is waiting. (Angry!) Yes its a shame you cant b closer.

Understand how you feel, Ellieanne. We just do. we struggle on ...and this grey weather not any sun doesnt help.xx

Sweetpeasue Of course you are dreading it, its new territory. Keep it light - you never know .....

Well done on the doll. Its wonderful to think of the peasure it might bring.

Doodle hug for you too, struggling to find purpose

Yes, going out is difficult. So much needs doing house/garden I turn away. the quaker contact would be someone I could meet for coffee if out of my shell.

Best nights possible all BD's

NannyG4 i go to church Wednesday morning, Thursday afternoon and Sunday morning. This week I went to breakfast on Saturday and lunch today so quite a lot this week. I love it there.
Sorry you’ve been so sad. Life is hard isn’t it.
Glad you’re having a good time with your grandson.
Wyllow so well put that you don’t know how to do anything other than just existing. It’s difficult to move on when you don’t know how..
If you felt up to it, could you text your Quaker friend and ask her if you could meet up or perhaps have a chat on the phone. Something to make more contact with people.
HVDY I must confess to knowing very little about steam punk. The photos are interesting. I know a lot of people are really into it. Do you still go?
How are you after your fall? Hope you’re ok.
Scaredycat it’s ridiculous your niece is waiting so long for her op. Poor woman. No wonder your sister is stressed.
Glad you had a nice catch up with your DD.
I had a nice meal at church lunchtime and actually the washing up had many hands so it didn’t take long.
Ellie Anne I’m very low too. Takes away any joy from life when you feel so down. Hope you can get that wall sorted soon.
That might help you feel a bit better. Hope your DD is in touch soon. We always worry about family don’t we. I’ve had some news today that’s upset me. One of our family is upset and so that upsets me. It also hurts more because Dh isn’t here to talk to about it and to cuddle me. I’ve been crying for hours this afternoon. The bags under my eyes are huge. I feel really flat and down tonight. Hoping tomorrow will be better.
Sweetpeasue I hope your meet up with the lady from your group goes ok. Maybe she needs someone to talk to as well. Give it a try.
So nice of you to make the doll for that lady. I bet she’ll love it.
Dear Nanny I’m so sorry for you. Of course you’re really upset. They’ve been with you a long time and you’ll miss them. Can you talk to your family on the phone or visit someone. I can only imagine how you feel tonight and I’m sending you a big hug and prayers for your comfort and strength to get through this time.

ScaredyCat It's terrible that your niece is still waiting. No wonder her mum is so worried.

Nanny2507 You must be feeling very alone, and it will take time to get used to that. Perhaps you could meet up with friends in the week? Make future plans to visit your son and his family, so you'll have something to look forward to.

EllieAnne Sorry you're so low. Could you text your daughter? My Son2 isn't good at keeping in touch. Your family (grandchildren, especially) and friends need you. I start dozing off, too, but mine is because of boredom. It's cold here, too. Not long until spring, and life will be a bit better.

SweetpeaSue Some people have been a part of the Steampunk thing for years and have very elaborate costumes. That was DH in our living room, then the 2 of us in the black& white picture. (my hair was short and dark then, 6 years ago). We later had top hats with goggles (a common Steampunk accessory) and I had a full-length, red velvet cape. How very kind of you to make the doll your sister's MIL. People with dementia love things like that (my SIL has got a toy cat)

Hope everyone has a restful night x

NannyG4 What a lovely thing for your friends to make you a special card for you themselves. They must have known how you would feel - plus writing those appropriate words between them. So special ,I'd have cried too. Sending love.
Wyllow Thanks for explaining about your Quaker friend. Perhaps she thought you might not be up to going out but it would have been nice to have been asked. Yes, we never know what's happening in other's lives do we?
It's going to be hard for you to go that extra mile and accept the carer's help to 'do more' but the right time will come. Just for now , as HVDY says, the spring is coming and you might be able to sit outside though I know you'll need to get that gardener in. Just one step at a time- and one day at a time.x
Nanny2507 Oh I'm so sorry , your heart is breaking dear friend. It's going to take a while to sink in and I hope you'll feel a little better as each day passes. Right now you must feel so alone. Please make those plans to visit - once you know you can do it I'm sure you'll feel better- even if you have to stop somewhere mid journey. For now just sending you a gentle hug and wishing you a good night's rest- you must be exhausted. X
Doodle Hope you had a nice day today and good chat and meet up with church friends. If there was a lot there at the talk I imagine there was a lot of washing up.🤔
HVDY Those photos are amazing. The costumes are so elaborate. Was that yourself with the little pooch! I don't know who that first one was - he was completely blacked out. You must have had such exciting times. Great memories to look back on.
I didn't realise you haven't felt like going out - though you've have had such a rough time lately with your eyes and the infection. The person I met from the MH group contacted me a week ago and we arranged to meet tomorrow but , I'm dreading it. I don't think we've anything in common.
Scaredycat I'm sorry about your poor sister and neice. I'd have thought your neice would have had her surgery by now, that's so bad. So many people not getting treatment when they need it and the repercussions are the anxieties it has on families too. Wish we could turn our worries off like a light switch.
EllieAnne* I had to look up Steam Punk too. It's quite a Victorian Gothic look I think. (HVDY say if I've not got it right)
Sorry you're so low. I hope you hear from your DD soon. I had to text my son last week to give him a nudge , though I don't like to do it too much. The falling asleep might be because of stress but could also be because you need the rest.
The point about going on can get very lost at times but I'm sure your family need you and you have friends too. I'm so sorry for that feeling of not wanting to carry on . I'm sure when the spring comes and you feel more like walking that nature will lift your spirits a bit. Hang on in there. February is a horrible month I think.

Just finished my second doll today. I've known who the owner is to be while I was making it. I've never met her but sister's partner's mother in her 90s in a nursing home was shown a photo by my sis of 1st doll. She wanted the knitting pattern ,though she can't knit now and has some dementia. Will post the package to my sis so they can give her it.

Love to all BDs and sorry to not mention all but thinking of you. Peaceful night to all.x

Thank you for the photos Hvdy. I’m still not understanding steam punk . Will have to look it up. Very low today. No progress on the garden and no word from dd.
Very cold here so I couldn’t face a walk.
I keep falling asleep in the afternoon and I think it might be my way of shutting out stress.
I just keep thinking what’s the point of going on.

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- you are so kind to your Aunt - she must love you both very much. Two people who have much to cope with at the moment but find time to show her care and affection.
I hope you both have a comfortable day today. Would love a Fluffball by the sea pic.
Doodle- hope you’ve had a nice lunch at Church. Yes that will be a lot of washing up- good idea to do the shopping yesterday.
We only have a little Waitrose near but would love to have a look in a big one- the food looks lovely.
Sorry you have dodgy knees - since I fell it’s putting pressure on the bad one going up or down that is uncomfortable.
NannyG4- isn’t it nice when your grandchildren enjoy your company. Your GS sounds lovely.
Yes you do need to book for the Cat Cafe and I,m so sorry I forgot to say. They can’t have too many people at once.
It was DD Xmas treat for us.
What lovely friends you have - such a kind and thoughtful thing to do for you- no wonder you had some tears.
Wyllow- As you say perhaps your Quaker friend might have things she’s dealing with too- but she reached out to you which is a good sign.
It is such a shame you don’t feel able to feel enthusiasm for anything. Your carer is the one you have needed for so long. She sounds so willing to help you. When you’re ready she,ll be there - trust her.
HVDY- we would love a stay in York- it looks beautiful and so much history.Glad your DS and DiL had a good time.
I think the trouble with not going out so much takes a bit of confidence away and is a vicious circle.
Kind advice for Wyllow - it would be a start.

Been for a walk with DD this morning and a coffee. We nattered for 3 hours. Golf morning so we could take our time.
Face Timed my DS earlier. I feel worried about her . My neice is still waiting for her Op and my DS keeps getting bad throats and losing her voice. I think she is getting stressed by it all- she has so much to deal with. So wish we lived near each other.

Love to all. Those mentioned and those not. Hope your Sunday is being kind to you

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US

Well that's it, DS partner baby and cats all moved out. I'm inconsolable. I just cant stop crying and I feel sick 😢

Us

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Steampunk

NannyG4 It's lovely that your grandson is such good company. Often, teenagers only want to play on the Xbox or talk to their friends. York is a great city. Son2 and DIL had a fun time, she sent me photos of their evening. They were in fancy dress (looked 1920s). Your friends sound kind, to make you a card like that. No wonder you felt emotional, though.

Wyllow3 It isn't easy to go out and do things when you've not done so for some time. I've got into the habit of not going out much at all, and sometimes feel panicked when I am out. Perhaps if you could get your garden sorted out, you could start by sitting outside (weather permitting) your own place. I remember you used to like that.

Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

SweetpeaSue Your poor husband. Like you, he has a lot of pain and discomfort. The appointment in March can't come soon enough.

Doodle The carpet is wet (it needs replacing at some point anyway), and there's a discoloured patch on the ceiling. GH had the bath panel off, found the leak and fixed it. Hope your lunch (and perhaps washing-up) goes well. Quite a lot of people going, so it should be good.

Whoops! Scaredycat spelt wrong in my post.

I’m so sorry to hear that you fell over HVDY, what a to-do and cleaning up..oh dear. I should try to see m carer more, yes.

Sweetpeasue the Quaker friend texted me to tell me, and I said one or two OK things about her and thanked her for contacting me, but she didn’t say as we did in the past do you want to meet for a cuppa or anything or shall we go to the funeral etc. But I dont know whats going on in her life, how difficult or not it is atm..
Thank you for my hugs virtual os good. X

Well done there for taking your aunt out despite the aches. Poor DH, hugs back for him too, so much of whats wrong is a puzzle.

I’m glad your knee is a little better, Svardeycat must be so frustrating and worrying about getting back the movement you had before x

Yes the carer helps a bit each week but I dont know how to stop just existing, she says I’ll help you go to anything you want, but I dont want. Not atm.

Sorry you are having problems with knees to Doodle, you did well to get the Waitrose done today, you must have been tired afterwards. Well done for volunteering for washing up tomorrow.

So glad to hear that you are with family today, NannyG4. How lovely of your friends to make a handmade card....it is understandable it made you cry with the love in it.

Best nights BD's.

Evening everyone.
I’m staying at my daughters this evening, looking after my 15 year old grandson!! I love spending time with him, he’s such good company, doesn’t need looking after but DD can’t leave him on his own.

Scardeycat …I went along to the cat cafe today in Canterbury but it was very busy, I think I need to book. It looked lovely though 🐱🐱.

HVDY….Fingers Crossed that my heating gets fixed next week.
We used to live near York,a beautiful city. I’m sure your son and DIL will enjoy themselves.

Wyllow3…Thanks for your kind words…hugs to you….❤️🫂…

Sweetpeasue…Thankyou to you also for your kind words. Yes the aircraft gave me great comfort. DH isnt far away❤️.

Doodle…..I did feel so so sad yesterday, everywhere I looked, all I saw were couples. My good friends put a beautiful hand made card through my letter box yesterday, the words were beautiful and very apt…sent me into floods of tears 😢. I hope you made it through without too much hurt and pain…
I help out at my church coffee mornings, I love it but like you usually end up washing up!! We also bake every week ……how often do you visit your church?

Please forgive me for not mentioning you all but I do think of you all. Sending love, prayers and strength to you all. Fondest love ❤️🙏💐