Should we all have the right to a same sex carer?

I think personal care, in a hospital, with other people around is very different from personal care at home where you are alone with that person, who may be the only person you see on a regular basis and who, frankly, has the power to do whatever they like with you.

As an able-bodied, if oldish, woman I’m still aware of potential risk when alone in the house with workmen for instance or when answering the door. And I can run away, fight back and they’ve only come to service the boiler anyway. Not undress and wash me.

We live in a world where men casually abuse women every day. And where women unconsciously a lot of the time, assess and avoid risk.

No wonder some women don’t want to be cared for by a male..

Lathyrus3

I think personal care, in a hospital, with other people around is very different from personal care at home where you are alone with that person, who may be the only person you see on a regular basis and who, frankly, has the power to do whatever they like with you.

As an able-bodied, if oldish, woman I’m still aware of potential risk when alone in the house with workmen for instance or when answering the door. And I can run away, fight back and they’ve only come to service the boiler anyway. Not undress and wash me.

We live in a world where men casually abuse women every day. And where women unconsciously a lot of the time, assess and avoid risk.

No wonder some women don’t want to be cared for by a male..

Very eloquent, I totally agree.

Me too.

Lathyrus3

I think personal care, in a hospital, with other people around is very different from personal care at home where you are alone with that person, who may be the only person you see on a regular basis and who, frankly, has the power to do whatever they like with you.

As an able-bodied, if oldish, woman I’m still aware of potential risk when alone in the house with workmen for instance or when answering the door. And I can run away, fight back and they’ve only come to service the boiler anyway. Not undress and wash me.

We live in a world where men casually abuse women every day. And where women unconsciously a lot of the time, assess and avoid risk.

No wonder some women don’t want to be cared for by a male..

Fully agree. We live in a world where many men freely utilise their obvious physical strength to abuse and even murder women. Also, the medieval belief of women being possessions still prevails in the caveman mentality. So many women have been murdered because they dared to leave a thug of a partner who justifies their terrible actions by saying "if I can't have you then no-one else can."

I'm reading this while waiting for a carer to come to wash and dress me. I have no idea who it will be or when they will arrive. I am past caring about their gender, their sexual orientation, age or colour of skin. So long as they treat me with dignity, I'll be grateful.

My first pregnancy was difficult I spent most of it on an antenatal ward. The ward had both female and male staff on duty each shift. It was only on a personal level after the birth being confined to bed that I needed assistance.
I found the male staff much more considerate and totally professional when attending to me. I had no problem being looked after by male staff. In fact a few of the female staff made me wonder why they chose the job that they clearly showed little or no interest in.

I think the point is that nobody should reach being 'past caring'. We should all be able to care about things like this - getting older should never remove the right to care about our dignity.

Yes I dont want our standards of care to be that patients have to accept any level of provision. It is fine if you are happy with different sex care, many people arent.

Absolutely should have the choice.. saying that, my dad had both, all south Asian, male & female. They were absolutely fantastic, professional carers- the reason I mention female SA carers, is because I didn’t think they would want, or be allowed to put on a conveen catheter on a male.
Personally, I am quite shy, so probably would want a female to bathe me & cream my bits.

Doodledog Fri 07-Feb-25 09:35:35
I think the point is that nobody should reach being 'past caring'. We should all be able to care about things like this - getting older should never remove the right to care about our dignity.

Galaxy Fri 07-Feb-25 09:38:56
Yes I dont want our standards of care to be that patients have to accept any level of provision. It is fine if you are happy with different sex care, many people arent.

I guess anecdotal evidence of how 'it-doesn't-really-matter' or being 'past caring' is inevitable on a topic like this, considering the number of women who've been through the NHS and care systems, both in the past and in the current degraded climate of both.

But the OP asked "should we all have the right to a same-sex carer" highlighting the case of an elderly woman shipped back home, refusing the care from a male-carer.

So we are talking about a principle and I don't understand why people don't realise that, as in law ('hard-cases-make-bad-law') - negative or positive individual experiences with carers don't make the case for or against that principle.

What-about-the-men is IMO a separate matter, equally important, but for different reasons. Generally speaking men are safe with female carers - one nasty experience does not change that. The female carer who abused her male patient was an abuser and therefore a potential danger to both men and women.

Thank you both for your articulate and rational observations.

My daughter had the most fabulous male midwife in hospital 18 years ago.
He was way nicer and more supportive than the females who came on shift when he left.

Not relevant to "elderly care" (not a good term I think!) - but pretty intimate!

I am, however one of those who would say that choice and consent are important.

Thanks Dickens as if often the case you say it much more succinctly than I usually manage.

I can quite understand why women would prefer a female nurse but I've worked with all sorts of men during my life and have been very lucky to have pleasant people around most of the time. There was one incident where a man tried it on, I spoke to him very sharply and all was well. I might be a bit weird but I tend to get on better with men than women

Galaxy

Thanks Dickens as if often the case you say it much more succinctly than I usually manage.

...you say it much more succinctly than I usually manage.

Err, not sure about that - you have a very deft way of saying it all in a couple of sentences (the 'less-is-more' principle).

I tend to 'go on' a bit because I don't have that ability, and have to e-x-p-l-a-i-n, opening myself up to the 'TLDR' reaction.

This is not a humble-brag - I've been told on a number of occasions that I'm a bit too wordy, and can come over as "preachy" by family and friends, and if I ever come across some of my old posts - I can see it, and it makes me cringe.

... and I'm off again, so I'll shut-up now... but thanks anyway.

Athrawes

I can quite understand why women would prefer a female nurse but I've worked with all sorts of men during my life and have been very lucky to have pleasant people around most of the time. There was one incident where a man tried it on, I spoke to him very sharply and all was well. I might be a bit weird but I tend to get on better with men than women

There was one incident where a man tried it on, I spoke to him very sharply and all was well.

Unless he subscribes to the principle of "better luck next time" with another female?

If you are paying for the caregiver, of course. If you're NOT paying for the caregiver, then no.

Grannie314

If you are paying for the caregiver, of course. If you're NOT paying for the caregiver, then no.

So not paying means you have no say in the matter? I don't agree. I think people should have the choice, wherever possible. I've had male doctors and nurses carry out a range of intimate procedures and didn't have a problem with that, but for some reason, I'm not sure I would feel the same about carers, especially in my own home.

Grannie314

If you are paying for the caregiver, of course. If you're NOT paying for the caregiver, then no.

Funding for care is at local level via budgets set by local authorities based on a combination of central government grants, local council tax, business rates, user charges, and sometimes transfers from the NHS.

Most people pay some - or all of the above - charges.

So we are basically all contributing towards care and carers.

Is there any reason why those who can't afford to hire private care are less deserving of having their dignity respected? Or do you think this should only be the preserve of those who are financially comfortable or wealthy?

Sago

A friend’s mother was recently discharged from hospital with a care package.
On her first day home a male carer arrived to shower her, she turned him away.
It got me thinking how much I would hate it in the same position.
Should we all have the have the right to a same sex carer?

We already do, but would you refuse a male doctor to examine you too?

In this dayan age absolutely yes! It's called dignity and respect especially with personal hygiene If my dad had needed a carer to help him shower he defo would have wanted a male. When I was in hospital I hated being on a mixed ward never mind showering... I hope you requested a female carer for showering

Doodledog

I think the point is that nobody should reach being 'past caring'. We should all be able to care about things like this - getting older should never remove the right to care about our dignity.

Who says male carers do not show dignity?We have used many in our home during the last 20 years and I can assure you they have all shown dignity and compassion.

Grannie314

If you are paying for the caregiver, of course. If you're NOT paying for the caregiver, then no.

That is not true, you can stipulate in your care plan that you wish to have same sex carers and they have to oblige. It may change your slot time and other things, but you do have a choice.

Dickens

Grannie314

If you are paying for the caregiver, of course. If you're NOT paying for the caregiver, then no.

Funding for care is at local level via budgets set by local authorities based on a combination of central government grants, local council tax, business rates, user charges, and sometimes transfers from the NHS.

Most people pay some - or all of the above - charges.

So we are basically all contributing towards care and carers.

Is there any reason why those who can't afford to hire private care are less deserving of having their dignity respected? Or do you think this should only be the preserve of those who are financially comfortable or wealthy?

100% agree and also know that everyone has a choice as I stated above.

I don't think its always possible. Supply and demand.