Transitioning loved one

Luckygirl you are going through hell quite sadly as I think the neurodivergence plays a huge role in all this. I won’t say more on this thread as this is your journey, not mine. All I can say is that I truly and sincerely hope that things work out in time better than you fear. All the very best from me dear lady.
x

🤞💐💐💐

Thank you for your thoughtful post Grandmafrench - all I can do is hope that the chosen path works out for them, and that those advising them have been clear about what can be hoped for. From talking with them/her I am concerned that this is not the case. Previous response to disappointment has been life-threatening. It is worrying.

As always, you're very brave to share your feelings especially on something controversial, and yes, they do matter. You love her and are clearly willing to do all that you can to support and be there for her. But most of us can see that with medical plans as radical and irreversible as this, huge doubts will creep in until you are able to see the changes that she seeks and how much of a difference her 'new' body will make to her mental health and her life.

If you can bear it, I would try to discuss it with her - not to try to persuade her against it but so that you have a better picture of how she really feels and some of the things which have led to this decision. Talking together will also allow you to become accustomed to something that's possibly quite an alien concept. It seems that this has been a long time coming and with her history of gender dysphoria and all the confusion and desperate unhappiness, it can't be a real surprise to anyone in the family that this is never just going to go away - without causing further serious problems in her life.

She must have thought so much about this and she must be so certain that this is what she wants. Maybe you will feel slightly better once you know just how committed she is. It's to be hoped that not only will she be followed and monitored and carefully assessed through a very long process, but regularly before each stage by psychiatrists specialising in gender reassignment. Obviously this is no flash -in- the- pan decision nor would it be allowed to be if all the necessary mental and physical health professionals are involved and she knows the full extent of what will be happening to her.

Like you, I would be so sad and sometimes quite desperate if this was happening to a much loved young person in my family. What might seem unnecessary surgery and all sorts of interventions on someone we love, someone that would outwardly appear to be just fine, is a horrible thought, but so is her feeling condemned to a very unhappy life in a body that continues to feel 'wrong'.

I was quite privileged to follow a young health professional whom I visited regularly when I lived in England. She was so very good at what she did and patients clamoured for appointments. We used to talk throughout my treatments and she would share her life plans. Then she told me what was going to happen, so I wasn't surprised or shocked when I saw her again with a slightly different hairstyle and a lot of facial stubble. She had gone to hell and back over many years of childhood, adolescence and her 20's, and through her training, just feeling that she'd never fit into society, never settle with a partner etc., I was astonished at her courage but it seems she had already had 'endless' counselling, endless support and advice and for each stage, careful monitoring and wonderful people to talk to.

It was amazing that over a long time (a couple of years at least), various surgeries and lots of recovery time, she stayed positive, was - she said - so happy to be on such a journey and, incredibly, never lost a single patient! She didn't bare her soul to all but not a single person commented on her changing appearance or even when she changed to a male first name!

The last I heard he had a partner, a nice home, a successful practice and a very busy diary of appointments, a great social life and is truly happy and settled. I wish the same happiness for your relative, her family and you.

I meant me being an HCP and looking from that point of view

Not everyone goes for the full surgery immediately some not at all.
As an HCP you can help by getting them to choose wisely the medical and surgical teams they will go to and also to still have the appropriate screening (cervical smears, breast screening, aortic aneurysm) as they may get removed from lists and may be at higher risks of conditions because of the hormones.

I think parents in this position should be as honest as possible; tell them it is their decision and you will always love them, but that it concerns you and makes but it makes you sad.
I say this because I have friends who have had children making life-changing decisions (admittedly not as serious as this) who have demanded their parents' approval but when they have gone ahead, then discovered things are not what they expected, they have turned on their parents and blamed them.
It is important to be honest; this 'be happy for me' is a two edged sword.

Yes I understand that vivaldi.
But radical, irreversible surgery to augment the ‘new me’ is on another level entirely, I think.

Transitioning may not have been an option, but there were always males & females who lived out there lives as far as possible as the opposite sex to that which they were born. "Gentleman Jack" was based on a real person & that was 150 years ago. & I remember a man who lived & dressed as a women from when I was very young.

Isn’t it strange how these topics come up , just when you’ve had some recent experience.

I was out with my Dd last week when we heard someone calling her name. As she turned, a man came up to her and they had a big hug. Dd intoroduced me to him and said they had been at school together. After a longish chat , we went our separate ways. ‘Do you remember S from school, mum ‘. Vaguely, I said .
Well that’s her…. He’s now T .

Dd had known she’d transitioned and seen his ‘journey’ on Facebook, so she wasn’t shocked…… I was! 😳.

keepingquiet

By coincidence I just listened to a podcast about the Tavistock clinic. It's a series by Tortoise on BBC Sounds and so far has been very thought provoking.

I'm only a few episodes in but recommend a listen to anyone interested in this topic.

Thankyou so much for highlighting this programme Keepingquiet.

I have learnt a lot.. and the young people interviewed especially Steph are so thoughtful and articulate.. I also recommend it..

By coincidence I just listened to a podcast about the Tavistock clinic. It's a series by Tortoise on BBC Sounds and so far has been very thought provoking.

I'm only a few episodes in but recommend a listen to anyone interested in this topic.

One of my fears is inadvertently calling my friend's grandchild 'he' as that was the case until they went university and i haven't seen them since. My friend gets very upset about that.

Luckygirl I echo the words of Luminance. Well said.
I couldn’t have put it better

I never had breasts anyway. Flat as a pancake until I put some post menopause weight on. I suppose I did suffer from body dysmorphia a bit because of it but my thunder thighs always upset me more than my lack of cleavage. I guess sexuality is a very complicated thing and everyone is completely different. Apologies for going off at a tangent here, but I was only thinking today about modern women with hair extensions, painted on eyebrows, gel nails, breast implants and, the latest fad, lip filler (why oh why; it’s always so obvious and I just think of the pain of having it done) and wondered how emancipation had led us to this.

Luckygirl, I asked my transwoman relative why she wanted breasts- great lolloping things that have to be encased in bras and are a disadvantage when running about doing sports. She laughed ; I suppose because an adverse opinion about breasts is not a fashionable opinion and she had never actually thought dispassionately about the uses of breasts.

For centuries humanity have expressed themselves by changing the outside to match the inside. It may not be our taste or make us uncomfortable but that is and always will be out own problem. Their body their choice and often their future happiness. Be happy for them. Find it within yourself. Their happiness should be yours as with all we love and cherish.

Indeed Galaxy - I worry that the end result might not live up to their expectations - I can only hope that what might be reasonably has been explained to them.

I also worry about the long term medical implications - increased risk of heart disease etc.

I think the worry for me is, and sorry if I am adding to your worries, is certainly lots of the young detransitioners are saying why didnt anyone say to me but you wont be a man.

struggling human person inside - this is the person I am worried about. If the treatments do not bring the desired happiness they will be very vulnerable indeed.

Caleo

Luckygirl, are you sure he will want plastic surgery? I ask because I have a relative who is a trans woman. She took hormones but is pleased with how she makes love and still has a penis and a super girl friend.

I find it a lot to comprehend but have to accept her decision.

Definitely wanting "top surgery".

I have two close relatives like this although I am not sure they are transitioning as such. They seem to want to change their names and wear fake breasts, make-up but wear androgynous clothes.

They don't have much to do with the family any more and seem very lonely and isolated. This is their choice- the family would be more understanding if they were more open and approachable about their status.

I don't understand this idea that they are still the same person 'underneath' in that case why change? I thought it was because they didn't want to be themselves?

I have worked with gender unspecific teenagers and I found them to be very vulnerable, impressionable and insecure in themselves, often in abusive or at best neglectful families.

I just wish I knew more about it all. It seems to be we are being called just to see an 'identity' on the surface and not look for a struggling human person inside.

theworriedwell

BlueBelle

Very unpleasant theworriedwell why remark unless you can add something positive within a difficult situation
I don’t understand your thought pattern Grannygranybe why to you imply that a man transitioning to a woman is a danger to society Do you really believe a person is only a threat if they own a penis what a strange thought pattern have you never heard of women killers

Please tell me how good looks compounds the issues round transitioning? Some people agree with it, some people don't a d some have mixed feelings l. All perfectly valid in my vote but how attractive someone is doesn't affect any of that.

I also thought it was an odd comment to make about her looks Worriedwell.. as I don't think it has any particular relevance to transitioning..

Just googled, it was April Ashley, she had surgery in Casablanca in 1960.

anyway Luckygirl, you are allowed to feel worried and sad