BLACK DOG 25

BD's - I was so tired last night - I lay on top of the duvet clothed to have a little rest before teeth and face done. Reader, I woke up 3 hours later and heaved ho into bed.

Today I’m still exhausted so I've made a strict list of have-to’s only - that's going and buying two attractive royal blue padded office chairs from the second hand office furniture place for kitchen - chosen already - as its also my workspace.

And on the way back, Sainsbury’s for lactose free milk. I was advised strongly to avoid lactose but then found the vast amounts of Oatly drink I was consuming was high FODMAP.

I will do other bits and bobs but MUST GO SLOWLY!

I’ve chosen this which I bookmarked a long time ago. I reflects my interest in the south African traction of choirs in Universites and schools, and what is special about this one is that it looks at the start like a conventional school choir - until the traditional Zulu dancers come to the front and the whole song erupts in a vivid Zulu celebration - I wish we did thing like this in the UK.

Perhaps we, do, but its confined to “Artists” and not a population.

Empangeni High School | S'khand'amayeza | Xhosa Traditional Folklore

www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0modCL4tLg

Its been a long and very productive day on the whole, and I was glad to be able to relax enough to have an afternoon sleep. (My trick is that I have an electric blanket that it is safe and comforting to lie on; this also receives some aches and pains)

It started with my excellent GP (she has agreed to be “mine”, unofficially as no more named GP’s). We have finally sorted to an action plan: She rung ENT and they advised I have (on NHS!) micro suction on both ears and the sophisticated frequency tests they do to ID specific hearing levels in both ears.

This will almost certainly lead to putting a gromit in the affected left ear, after all I had this op in might ear aged 10.

There is a waiting list of 14 weeks, but that suits, as I cant do things like family plans in recovery, which is not painful, but complex. So I’ll pay for the operation bit to fast track that, as it is actually difficult to hear some conversations atm.

On the way home I had a very successful charity shop run: at 11.30 my back up carer came for a ‘get to know each other better”. I am happy with her and we did a lot of making my home less chaotic as we chatted.

I’ve done a few admin bits and bobs, like arranging the next gardener visit and sorting out matters with nephew for computer help - Monday night. I found out new nephew and his wife of some time are having a baby!

On and off have experienced a great deal of sadness about Ex and how ill, and how badly he’s living in every possible way, but it was a reflective sadness not guilt or intention of getting involved so I have responsibility - am talking about it of course to DocSis and workers.

As I said, I got a sleep, and pottered and actually cooked since then and caught up on the news - good news for those of us on PIP atm.

Doodle! So lovely your wrists have allowed you to post a little longer - spotted it straight away. Take good care now, you have the burden of sadness to live with, I can only hope there are days when it begins to hurt less badly xx

You really are getting into vinted, HVDY, its a whole sort of world I know about from the TV ads but a great idea - and making a bit of money to allow more family treats for you all. Must be fun, too. That was nice of your neighbour - is her bi-polar well controlled by medication? I cant imagine her travelling unless it is.

I did have to smile Scardeycat as stairs are actually a great exercise for me, but were you not worried at one point about stairs and your heart condition - its it OK now?

Yes - you are right about Ex - obviously I’ve written and talked about the process I’m going to through with him -last night I actually listened to the very abusive and threatening sound records I made of some conversations - they would have had him arrested, probably, or better, sectioned,

But in fact when I heard them last night my reaction was just how dreadfully poorly he was, how my apparent rational calmness (the only way I could cope with him) just made him crosser as I had proof of this that and the other and my pressing/proving this as I was determined at that point not to be gaslighted, made him madder.

I find your posts so kind and thoughtful, do share a little more sometimes if you want to Scaredycat

Oh the struggles you have Sweetpeasue, so many concerns and worries until you get some clear diagnosis and treatment paths for DH. You have done so well especially as you have had to go through it for yourself too.

Yes - of course I hope the clinic will throw more light on matters. Meanwhile you have to try and be as kind to yourself as possible - yup its that old “can I love myself” issue which course I move in and out of so understand....

.... its an issue for many with MH aspects of their life. I’m glad your bladder pain eased enough to have walk by the stream, calming in this weather as the wind rustles the trees and the stream flows. Robins are extraordinary, its very rewarding to make friend of one, I’ve never done it but seen it at work. That photo is lovely, thank you.

Doodle - writing this well after you, but I was going to end on the same note - hang on in there Ellie Ann and of course those reading Black Dogs but not posting.

I’m going off on a search for the U tube for the night, I do enjoy doing it.

Ellie anne thinking of you today and hoping you’re not too upset. X

Oops forgot pic

You're all so kind to one another ,this is a special thread.

EllieAnne I really hope today hasn't been as difficult as you thought. As others have said ,and it's very true, your problem and worries are just as valid as others here. You're not a pain at all, just so very unhappy with your marriage. I'm so sorry . Do post whenever you feel you want to.
HVDY Vinted sounds a great way of exchanging clothes no longer wanted and finding others - a real bargain. I need to look at it. Glad your neighbour appreciated you looking after her cats.
Hope you enjoyed the aqua-aerobics but watch that move that your hip doesn't like.
Scaredycat It's strange staying in another house. I think I'd want to come home for meals too - other kitchens can be a a proper puzzle not knowing where things are. Good it's only a couple of minutes away. Three storeys!! You're getting a full workout.
You're right about Fluffball- the did seem a bit fatigued with the heat. I think she has her coat cropped in another couple of weeks and she'll look like a little lamb for a while. I'll send a photo of a Robin seen on a Fluffball walk.
Doodle Such a kind and thoughtful post to me , thankyou. Your words are so very true and encouraging. It's true that we do support each other - it works with ways .When I forgot to put prescription in for oramorph he braved the receptionists this morning to get a GP to sign it off for me. He apologised to them ( even though it was really my fault). I know we are lucky to have each other- it's not all been plain sailing ( previous marriage and sons from that one) things have been tough, but we've come through and know each other so well now. Yes, I'm pinning hopes on Rapid Access Clinic.
I hope you've been OK today. The weekend is going to be hot as Scaredycat says and I think you're in the south so extra warm . Take care of yourself.
Wyllow It's great to think of you on cool evenings pottering and sitting in your garden and taking pleasure in it. You'll be looking forward to seeing your nephew tomorrow and I bet he will love the 'eccentric aunt' you describe yourself as. Hope you managed to get things sorted with your Dr this morning. A great plus is your GP seems very nice too. I love what Scardycat said about your colours .

Bladder pain still but eased after painkillers and we had a nice little walk out by a stream. Extraordinary thing happened when we sat on a bench by the water. A Robin came and perched next us on the bench. It stayed for a good couple of minutes- I put my hand out as it seemed so tame and it locked it's head to one side, as they do, so it could see if anything was in my hand. Think perhaps someone had trained it to take food maybe. It then swapped sides of bench and perched next to DH! How really special .
Will send a photo.

Hoping all BDs have had a reasonable day and can enjoy the weekend without getting 'maffted' ( sweltered in northern speak) Love to all.

Hi all
Doodle- however hard your days are you always have time to help us all- you really are a special person.
This weekend is going to be hot so hope you are able to get out and see friends and family. But stay in the shade!! It’s our village fete tomorrow so it,ll be very busy all day. The pubs will do a bomb and the ice cream people will sellout I should think.
I,m tired after one Cat day ! Our DD lives in a 3 story house so every day is like a workout. But the views are lovely and the cats are too.
SweetPeaSue- Well last night on Cat Watch went off OK. They are a bit bewildered but slept til 7.30 so that was great. Didn’t fancy an early morning call.
The bladder pain must be so uncomfortable especially in the heat. Hot weather affects people with many conditions so I expect your DH is finding it difficult to deal with- I certainly do. Fluffball will keep you entertained I,m sure although I expect she’s hot too with all that Fluff.
Your words to Doodle are so real and true- we need her with us she is our heart and soul.
HVDY- Little Girl must look so cute whizzing about in her Nappy. Can’t believe she is already 2 - it seems such a short time since she made her appearance! Her Birthday sounded such fun and a perfect Family gathering.
You are getting a good collection of dresses now- must be exciting when they arrive. Are they nice loose comfortable ones?
Wyllow- you have dealt with all colours of emotion with your ex but now is the time for you and the enjoyment of life that has been missing for so long. Yes you have your dear family again and that is the most wonderful of all your bright new colours.
It’s lovely when the evening gets cool in the garden isn’t it. Such a nice vision of you just enjoying being.
Your nephew must be so looking forward to seeing you again . He won’t give a fig about mess but it,ll make you feel good to feel tidy and prepared. Enjoy his company.
EllieAnne- you are never a pain. You,re sad and having to live a most unnatural and mentally uncomfortable life.
It’s hard to find something to say that will help you only that we all care very much and please keep posting.
I truly hope today hasn’t been as bad as feared- pretending is exhausting and soul destroying but it will pass and tomorrow is another day. We are all thinking of you.
Hope you can have a couple of glasses of something bubbly!!

Love to all - those present and those we care for but don’t see so often.

Doodle I'm keeping the dresses. I only buy ones that are in very good/new condition, and I only sell the ones of mine that are unworn or only worn once. It's a good way to get some different clothes and make a little bit of money (previously, I gave bags full of almost new stuff to charity shops). Hope you're able to go out today.

EllieAnne Keep posting. We are all dealing with different worries or concerns, and yours are just as valid.

SweetpeaSue I can understand your worries about your husband, but it won't be much longer now until he's seen by someone. Please try to enjoy each other's company and go out if you can. Doodle is right.

Neighbour is back home and came round for a chat, gave me some roses and chocolates for looking after the cat - she's the one with bipolar, and is always going on holiday (about 5 foreign holidays a year (her husband doesn't ever go abroad, only to the UK). Aqua aerobics with my friend soon. Hope everyone is ok x

wyllow nice posts. Good to hear how you’re doing.

Ellie Anne some pain is the physical kind. Aching limbs or painful knees etc but mental pain can’t be relieved with painkillers and no matter what causes that pain it makes us hurt, sad and empty inside. You’re suffering too we know that and your troubles are as valid as anyone’s .
Please continue to post. As Wyllow says you’re not a pain you’re unhappy and we are your friends so we worry about you.
HVDY do you keep the vinted dresses or just sell them on. Sounds like you are doing quite well with it. Must be interesting.
Sweetpeasue don’t spend your time with Dh worrying about the future (hard though that may be). Just say the words you want to say to each other, enjoy each others company and support each other. You are truly doing your best to look after your Dh., I know the future is frighten ending and upsetting but hopefully the Rapid Access clinic will help get your Dh better care.
Your thoughtfulness and kindness does help. Truly it does.

You don't, actually. You are really unhappy, and it's understood we all have our troubles here and are just all different. You are in a terribly "stuck" place, it's a very, very distressing place to be in indeed.

Doodle it wasn’t any one thing.
So many of you struggling with loss grief worry and ill health.i must sound such a pain. Sorry.

Ellie Anne your feelings are valid. No one knows what your life is like. If you thought I was criticising it wasn’t what I meant. I just wondered if it would be easier for you to go along with whatever happens on Friday. However, you are the best judge of that. I hope you get through the day ok and don’t find it distressing. Please continue to post, we all care for you.

HVDY Aw Littlegirl turns 2! Your family gathering sounded just so lovely.
Littlegirl's sister seems so talented and great that she has a good friend to play guitar with and sing along.
Day Centre too. Good day for you.
Not sure if humid weather affects DH more but he's never ever liked the heat anyway. It could be so.
Wyllow I bet your nephew won't give a toss about tidiness though you'll feel better if things are fairly tidy. It's quite exciting him coming to see you
Hope everything goes well for GP appt tomorrow.

SweetpeaSue So sorry you've had the bladder pain again. It's horrible. Does this humid weather affect your husband more, do you think? I expect you've been busy with Fluffball. Stroking a pet can be so calming and therapeutic.

Doodle Doing your own hair must be very difficult. Best to let someone else do it in the meantime. I hope it won't be too much longer before your wrists are ok.

EllieAnne You're unhappy in your marriage, but your husband doesn't sound nasty - just disinterested, perhaps? It must make life very difficult for you.

Day centre was ok, then I collected 6 more dresses I bought from Vinted (10 altogether now) and posted 4 that I've sold. Little Girl's 2nd birthday, so we all (and DIL's mum, sister and nieces) went round for home-made pizzas and birthday cake. Big sister and her friend played guitars and sang in the garden. Nice day altogether x

I will not forget you, Ellie Ann, you too will be held in the light in a Quaker meeting. It will be nice to see you when you are ready.

I can just imagine Littlegirl in her nappy toddling around. My Ds and DiL when nappies were finished used to let them wander round with nothing on for awhile at home (and in their completely private garden till they grew self conscious.

Willl the two of them be staying with you, or old enough to e home alone (I've lost track of how old they are) take-outs all round? Do they share your liking for curry?

I like these long, light evenings, the cool coming in the French window as the light fades, little bits of plant watering. Just been podling around doing bits and bobs.

A busy couple of days - tomorrow the GP at 9.30 re ears and tum, mostly how to proceed with referrals for surgeon for ears - and then a carer comes for an hour. she's the "back up" lady and she is nice - we'll set to tidying as the place chaotic and nephew comes on Saturday to help with the computer trials and trips. I know he won't be bothered with the mess, but I am, and anyway have to clear the table for Saturday (I just have the one for everything - eating, computer, writing, so its not a choice - loads of lists lying around on it) He cant tell me when he is coming so need to be ready early just in case - they ar having friends visit, but whats needed will probably take 30 mins max.

ScaredyCat Enjoy your cat-sitting . The neighbour is back tomorrow lunchtime, so that'll be the last of feeding that cat for a while. Son2 and family are going away for a long weekend, so I'll be feeding their 2 instead. Little Girl has been fine in this heat, thanks - wearing just a nappy indoors.

Doodle No, no, you absolutely should keep coming in and I'll be so very sorry if you feel you can't write how you feel. I, too felt aware of posting my thoughts and if you can't post yours then I shouldn't be posting mine. I'm so sorry if I've made you feel that way. I can absolutely understand what you mean but you have truly helped so much as you completely understand the helplessness of doing the rounds of Dr's, departments, secretary's, the whole system and watching a loved one's ill health, though I know your own lovely man had much more problems.
Just one week to go before he gets into this Rapid Access Clinic. It seems I've been counting the days off for each of his appts for such a long time ,but you know all about that Doodle.
I so hope your wrists feel stronger soon- not sure if the docs have given any indication on healing time.
It really is no wonder you're feeling knocked for six with all this disability on top of your grieving . We can only take so much.
You are a lovely lady and give yourself some slack. We all care but I know that doesn't take your grief away. You have my prayers tonight and often. X
EllieAnne No one wants you to play happy families and pretend all the time. It's just that it may help yourself to 'go with the flow 'on Friday ,which seems to be what you have been used to doing for so long anyway. I'm sure no one here wants to make things worse for you but something makes me think you'd rather ' get it all out' on Friday instead and tell it how it really is. I think you're fed up with the falseness.
Forgive me if I'm wrong.
Anyway I hope this Friday passes quickly. ' This too will pass' applies I think , regarding the actual day.
Take care.

Elvera1 You walked quite a way - and in this heat, too. Nice that you've made a new friend and enjoy each other's company. Has she got children?

Wyllow3 You're doing so well, and keeping very busy. Don't forget to rest and relax, too.

I know I sound ungrateful but I’ve told him I don’t want anything and why so if he does anything it’s for his benefit.
Playing happy families is false . The family know how things are although they don’t acknowledge it . I can’t explain why I stay but I think I can trace a lot of it back to my childhood.
Anyway I’m not going to mention it again and will take a bit of a break. I’ll be thinking of everyone and remembering you in prayer xx

A really difficult time there, Sweetpeasue pain and sleeplessness kicks you flat the next day.

No wonder it was hard for you to come in, as DH seemed worse. Hang on in there for the rest of the day and I hope it’s a better night. Above all, keep cuddling and playing with Fluffball x

So do you feel your wrists really are getting better, Doodle? I wasn’t sure - I so hope for you all there’s trials end, on top of your grieving. X

In bed just mooching on the internet.

Scaredycat. Hope you’re having a good day with the cats. Lucky you live close by.
Glad you managed a walk today. When it’s too hot it’s exhausting.
Thank you for your kind thoughts. I must try and be more positive.

Wyllow so lovely to read your posts and hear the life. Owing back to you.
Sweetpeasue you have worked hard trying to care for your DH. I don’t think he’s been well looked after either but not through lack of trying on your part. Sorry, I’ve probably made you so worried about the future by writing down my feelings.
That won’t help you at all. I should have stopped posting I think instead of writing it all down. Do hope your DH’s care improves soon.
Ellie Anne it’s good of you and your Dh to help out family, I think we all want to do what we can for our children. Doesn’t stop us worrying about them though. Not sure what to say about Friday but if your DH has planned or bought something why don’t you try and make the best of the day whatever.
Thanks HVDY . With regards to hair I just have a wash and. Blow dry. My wrists aren’t strong enough for me to handle the hairdryer at the moment but hope to be back doing it myself soon.
You’re doing well with Vinted . I must have a look.

HVDY Hope your throat isn't as croaky today. I've never been on vinted so not sure how it all works.
Scaredycat You sound so eager and looking forward to your cat duties. Yes, right about me feeling happier in smaller groups. I feel more included as with large groups it tends to be the loudest and extrovert get heard foremost.
Doodle Sending love as always and really hope today has been a little kinder to you.
Elveral Do take time for yourself too. Glad you got better sleep.
Wyllow It's wonderful to see you happy ! Not scared at all, just a little down.
It's good you're at peace with finding out about ex and you sound well grounded about that- appreciating the good times and compassion for the broken person too. Not forgetting the dreadful abuse and knowing how very much he hurt you. Many sides to us all isn't there.
So pleased you had that quiet time in the park and could enjoy a nice coffee and crisp bun. Simple things can be so enjoyable. Please don't stop telling us about your recovery ,we're all so proud of how you've come through. Understand about the reduced Diazapam dosage though. Very tricky.

Had bladder pain bad during day hours so not much sleep. Fluffball just so glad to be with us and we with her. Not a great day for DH either as his breathlessness and tight chest and arm/ hand pain( which is Vascular Insufficiency) seemed worse.

Hope everyone is ok and peaceful nights wished for all.

I hope others here are OK - have I scared you away.....(as in, being happy not OK...)