BLACK DOG 25

I did get a walk today, I knew I had to, dodged the rain, and it was more lively than usual as had half term.

Love to all, I've not got the oomph I'm exhausted to post or reach out but of course have read your days. Doodle you said to Ellie Anne what I thought but didn't know how to say it.

Hugs to those today who've had a bad one.

See you all tomorrow.

Ellie Anne I’m sorry if what I say sounds wrong but I’m just going from what I think about what you describe. You were the one who told your Dh not to buy cards for your anniversary because you weren’t happy and didn’t want to celebrate. Is it possible you DH réalises you’re so unhappy and is trying in some way to please you. I know there are things he does that annoy you but is it possible he’s trying to make things better. A new car is a big gesture. It can’t be fun for either of you living as you are, is there any way you could try doing something together. I only ask because I know you won’t leave him and you both care about your family.
As for your daughter I think her MH problems affect her ability to cope with relationships. I do know several others with sons and daughters who act the same way. Despite having loving mothers their MH situation stops them from engaging and making contact. Sorry I hope I haven’t upset you I’m just wondering how things could be better for you. Like the others I really think you should talk to the GP and get some help. Ads can,âme a big difference
Scaredycat at leastyouregoingbout walking which is good for you. . I’ve been to hospital again today. So much numbness in my thumb u decided to have it checked. Good job I did. The nurse agreed bandage was too tight and the wound had lots of dried blood round it which was irritating me. She cleaned me up and re dressed it and I’m more comfortable now
HVDY your daycentre food sounds good. What a lovely day the girls had with you. Any news on the little one with the abscess?
Wyllow hope you manage a walk tomorrow. I’ve had a miserable day today. Lots of tears. Going to that hospital doesn’t help either I’ve been there so many times with DH. Hard to get motivated to do things isn’t it.
Sweetpeasue I too think a private appointment is the way to go if you can afford it. You’ll have no peace till it’s sorted

Sorry can't address everyone but do appreciate everyone's posts of support to me.
Scaredycat You are so right that my mind is in overdrive.
No it wasn't Fluffball day yesterday( son has come back) but he's away for his first wedding anniversary this weekend so we'll be looking after Fluffball for a couple of days from tomorrow, then taking her to his MILs. You are really so very kind to us all. I'd like to say this is so much appreciated. X

DH has had GCA headache back today. I realise relapses expected when reducing steroids. It's weekend so if continues he'll ring Rheumatologist helpline on Monday.
Apparently our GP ( one who's been dealing with us) is on- leave all next week, as is leading GP of surgery. We may need to get another to do a referral for private.
Feeling low but I know there are others much.worse here.
Hoping everyone has a comfortable night.x

EllieAnne I know you've previously said you didn't want to take ADs, but believe you me, you can feel differently, if you try them. Please see a GP and if you don't feel able to talk about things, write a note (I've done that before) and hand it to the GP. Your daughter has got MH problems, you've said. That's why she's distant, not because she doesn't care. She also needs help. Your husband must feel something for you to even think about your golden wedding anniversary. Your family all need and care about you. Please get some help. We all care about you.

Wyllow3 I'm glad you like films. I can't remember, but have you got Netflix? The weather's been good here, apart from a downpour for about 15 minutes. Did you manage to go out?

ScaredyCat Hope you've had a good day out. Son2 has got NT membership and they use it a lot.

Sweetpea Sue, *Doodle and all other BDers, hope you've all been ok today.

Had Little Girl and GD1 all day. Went to a massive indoor play centre, then the Trent embankment, watched the swans, ducks and boats. LG played on the park (GD1 supervising), we had a picnic, then went to one of our local parks for a play, before they both went home. Lovely day x

EllieAnne I wholly agree with Wyllow and * Scaredycat* that you need to see a Dr to explain the seriousness of your feelings.
I'm so sorry your DD didn't give you the confirmation you need that you are loved and I know that means everything right now. She herself isn't mentally well so that explains her inability to communicate properly- it really won't be because she doesn't care.
I think the Golden Wedding Anniversary is drawing things to a head and you can't put that aside. It sounds as if your husband wants to acknowledge it ( the car) but of course you don't feel the same way. I can't help with your relationship difficulties but I do believe the ADs might help you and it's worth a try- you could always stop them( with GPs monitoring) if they're not helping at all.
I wish I could help more EllieAnne but please, do go to your Dr in any case. You need to explain how bad you are feeling.
You are much cared for by your son, DIL too and grandchildren. We care here too.
A special hug EllieAnne.xx

Hi all
HVDY- love Jaffas daft face!! That was a good lunch especially lemon meringue. Yes the cats do like our garden - don’t know why it’s only little but it has lots of little places under bushes etc where they can sit safely.
EllieAnne- your post was so sad. I agree with Wyllow that you really need to seek help as your feelings have become so desperate. Please please seek help - your family would be devastated if you harmed yourself. It is the worst thing to experience and I speak from experience.
Your daughter too is not well and is struggling with her own MH problems. Believe me she needs you as much as you need her but is unable to put it into words.
As for your DH I-think he too has problems expressing his real feelings . You have been together all these years and have a lovely family who need you as well as their own families.
So many people never get to a Golden Wedding and he must have thought about it.
I struggled for many years without ADs but they have helped more than I can say and I so wish you were able to get that help. You are brave as Wyllow says but please get the help you need.
Wyllow- I,m glad you enjoy your films Wyllow it’s being taken out of yourself isn’t it and seeing other peoples struggles or just different life experiences.
Yes time to come out of hiding again!! Weather here is not bad so hope you are able to get out and get moving again.
Kind sensible words for Ellie Anne - I,m worried about her .
We are going out today with DD and SiL to a NT place. They took out membership after retirement and this is their Maiden Voyage!!
I hope today treats you with the kindness you deserve.
Doodle- as always hope your injury is healing better each day and you are getting out somewhere today. Sending a friendly hugxx

Love to all and have the best day possiblexxx

I’m glad to see you in Allsorts. No need to feel bad about being negative although I know the feeling we have to egg each other on. I do hope your house problem can get sorted though if you can manage it x

That is bold with the nails, HVDY the day centre sounded really nice today.

So sorry you had to return to the hospital, Doodle. I really hope “thats it” in setting it all OK. Poor you. Has to be got right, though….I eat in the evening, too.

I do understand the use it or lose it fear Scaredycat its getting the balance right which is hard. You are right for Sweetpeasue peace of mind I swore important than a break away or nearly everything!

Yes, finding a good film is really important for me in the evening. What works at the moment is usually people who beat the odds to get though or a battle won like overcoming prejudice or a battle oath winning (like Runaway Jury where the US gun lobby is defeated in court….my political with a small p side…

It feels like I’ve done something worthwhile or gained something not passed the time as I had a dressing gown day, after having things to do for 4 days I had to hide away and just distract. But not walking or moving much is not good must make an effort tomorrow.

Ellie Anne this is your crisis time and I feel - please please go to the doctor

- we do care here

if its possible that anti-d’s ameliorate those thoughts is it worth trying them?

- its brave to share just how bad you do feel - yes I have those thoughts too quite a lot - probably others do at times here - but I am in the MH system and could ring - if its possible that anti-d’s ameliorate those thoughts is it worth trying them?

It’s tough as I think you said DD has some MH issues which makes her unresponsive when you need a cuddle.
I dont know what to say about your H because it’s been unhappy for so long yet he suggested things..I'm just aware that I push people away although I need them but everyone is different so dont know what to say on that..

Night night BD's, reading and here.

I’ve had a horrible week and have not felt able to post.
On Sunday I phoned dd, broke down and tried to explain how upset I was that she didn’t want
Me but she didn’t respond.
It’s our golden wedding anniversary next month and I have been dreading him mentioning it. We stopped sending cards years ago
When .I asked him to stop because we weren’t happy. He didn’t answer but stopped getting cards etc.
On Sunday after the horrible phone call h asked what I wanted for the anniversary. I said nothing so he said we have to do something.
I said we are not happy so what are we celebrating and he ignored me.
A bit later he said he was thinking of getting me a new car.
I don’t want a new car and we haven’t the money for one anyway.
Hes not mentioned it since but I’m so low I’ve thought about walking into the sea or just driving away where no one will find me. Dd wouldn’t miss me I haven’t seen her this year her choice and my boys have their own families.

Doodle Toasted tea cake- with lots of butter, lovely . Day centre was good. Quizzes and chats. Roast beef for lunch and then lemon meringue pie.

ScaredyCat Your GD is very organised. Christmas - we haven't had summer yet! Aw,the cats must like being in your garden. Look at Jaffa's daft face

Hi all
Doodle- so glad you,ve been able to get to Church and visit the Hospice again. I hope you felt at peace in those lovely surroundings once more.
Yes I,ve done a bit of rushing around lately- It’s the fear of if I get off the “ride” I,ll not get back on it so easily. So after a walk I sat down and read the paper - not exactly relaxing reading at the moment is it!!
Today I walked while DH was at Gym , then did some gardening and Tescos delivery order.
My DGD1 has just informed me she’s booked our family Xmas Eve meal!!!! Can’t quite get my head round that one.
SweetPeaSue- oh dear your poor head is in overdrive at the moment. There is much to consider but instead of worrying about what the GP thinks or getting a different one could you just book a private Appt to put your mind at rest. It does help . I did it when my AF became constant and I felt so glad I,d done it. Would do it again without hesitation. Of course the financial aspect has to be considered but peace of mind is priceless.
Glad you,ve been out - it’s important for you both to have a change of scenery and take your mind off things. Is it Fluffball day today?
EllieAnne- glad to see you popping in and we all think of you too.
Wyllow- you are very fond of your nice carer - she sounds kind And sensible and very tuned into your feelings. I hope she remains a constant in your life for the foreseeable future.
You obviously like a heart warming and inspiring film. There are many true stories made into films aren’t there . The human spirit is astonishing at what it can endure and overcome. Of course it doesn’t have to be true just inspiring.
Our favourite thing of all time was Game of Thrones but it’s not for everybody.
Allsorts- Glad to see you here but sad to hear you are having such a difficult time at the moment. Having to be the strong one as you have been - for many years I suspect- is wearying to say the least. Who helps the strong one when they are floundering?
The stress of trying to find somewhere easier to live is not an easy thing to do on your own. I,m sorry you lost your good friends and it’s hard to watch as your friend becomes more poorly. Please don’t apologise for saying how you feel . We all understand how despair can wear you out. Come in and talk you need to be able to share your problems.
HVDY- your nails sound lovely - I agree though that long nails would not be relaxing at all. I,m always fishing about outside in something grubby!!
You are right Dr Google can scare the pants off us but in these days of not always being able to see the Dr he can be very helpful too.
Hope the day centre lunch was nice and the company too.
Yesterday afternoon we had 2 lovely cats visit at the same time - it only makes me want one more! They were not strays though.Hope Jaffa is ok.

Hope all those mentioned and those we are missing at the moment are having as good a day as possiblexx

HVDY. I usually have a toasted tea cake at the hospice as I’d rather eat in the evening. Hope you have a good time at the day centre.
Allsorts. I’m sorry you’re so down. It must be awful to feel so alone. I do treasure my family and friends. Loosing two of your friends must have been a hard blow. Do you have any groups you go to or people to meet up with. Does your son visit much.?
Wyllow glad you get on with your carer. She sounds like the sort of person you need. Hope the summer days when they come will help you getting out more.
I’m going back to hospital tomorrow. My thumbs not right and I want them to check it.
Scaredycat always coffee and cake at our church. Nice to enjoy some company.
sweetpeasue Ellie Anne thinking of you too.

ScardyCat Nails are a turquoise colour. I had them cut short. as they were much too long. I don't know how some women manage to do everyday things with very long nails. How are you?

Doodle I'm glad you got to church and the hospice. I know both places are a comfort to you. Did you have lunch at the hospice?

SweetpeaSue It might be an idea to first see a different GP. I don't stick to one - it's often good to get a different perspective. Doctors don't like us Googling things, but I do that a lot (then scare myself).

EllieAnne How are things with you?

Wyllow3 Yes, it took me years to find suitable skin products. I used to use Simple things, but now their moisturiser stings my face. I'm glad you get on so well with your carer. Do you go for a coffee when you're out with her? It was dry and sunny here all day yesterday.

Day centre place today. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

Have read all your posts and won't respond individually to everyone.
Very bad episode of depression at the moment, I don't go to Doctors about it, never have as eventually I get over it. I have other health issues and it's difficult to get to see dr anyway. I am not coping with all the problems with running a big house and garden but can find nowhere to live, I am exhausted looking. My son wants me nearer for convenience but I would ge more alone. A couple of good friends have died over last few years and one is very ill so my support system has gone, Think yourself lucky if you have family that are there for you as I was the one who sorted everyone else out, the strong one, it was all an act most of the time and wore me down.
Sorry I am so negative.

I noticed you today on the skincare thread, HVDY…..what a great meet up for your pub lunch.

I’m glad you had the sun today, Scaredycat. Did you get out at all or have a well deserved day of rest?

Doodle so glad you were able to do the church and hospice. It must have been so hard stuck at home.

*It’s always good to have that personal touch Sweetpeasue, because you know they care. Is there one GP at the practice you do trust?
I think it would have been better if they had written “X is concerned that…….” I honestly don’t know if it’s better to self refer or not. Either way, a report would go back to your GP?

Ellie Anne I’m glad you popped in. I always imagine you here following BD’s, like some others, even when you don’t.

Today was better as I saw carer. She is very right for me. I’d been in a bad way. (Afraid of losing her of course). We avoided the rain for a walk. She is a very grounded person .

I try to find a film on TV in the evening that has real meaning. It usually turns out to be an “overcoming the odds” story.

Night night all BD’s, whether you are posting or just reading.

I’m still here reading the posts and thinking about everyone.

Ah Scaredycat Crossed posts. Thankyou you are very perceptive and always kind to us all.
Doodle So pleased you got out to church and hospice today and felt better for it.
Yes, EllieAnne Hope you're OK.

HVDY It must be so nice to see and meet up with family so often . Glad you had a good time.
Yes, the stress is taking toll- I hardly slept at all last night. Night's the very worst time for scenarios being played out in our minds and I go through so many to try and find the best 'road' to take. Thanks for your support ( everyone) it means a lot.
Wyllow Oh such a disappointment for you yesterday with MH nurse. Sounded like you'd have been OK for a walk in light rain. Wonder why all these forms.
I hope you had a better day with your mice carer today. I got a bundle of papers with various classes/ things going on in local towns sent by trainee psychologist today. She enclosed such a kind note of support for me- I was really touched.
Appreciate your support too. I'm thinking our GP isn't right for us and has patronised me because of MH stuff. He once put in a referral letter that ' * has been goggling her husband's symptoms and thinks......' I wasn't too happy about that! DH , ever the peacemaker told me to let it go .
So glad it helps you to come in here Wyllow - the feeling's mutual.
DoodleScaredycat Hope you've been OK.

Went out for a look round Hobbycraft and some shops in a centre- had a coffee- we both feel low . Looking forward to sunny weather predicted at weekend. Not sure if to do self- referral to private Cardiologist or get GP .Snag is GP doesn't believe its necessary . Might try different GP.

Hoping all BDs and those reading have a restful night and peaceful mind.x

HVDY not a particularly pleasant experience for a young girl but hopefully the antibiotics will sort it all out. She sounds a lovely girl and your care of her will be something she remembers
So pleased your SIL recognised you and seemed to enjoy her birthday. Makes it all worth the effort
Sweetpeasue I thought it might have been. You need cardiology tests and check up. I hope your DH gets seen soon.
Wyllow thank you did church and hospice today so feeling happier. Your MH person doesn’t sound right for you. I saw one at the doctors once and had absolutely no confidence in her at all. Can you ask to be seen by someone else.
Scaredycat you’ve been doingso much hope you’ve had a good rest today
ellie Anne I’m not writing much but I amthinking of you. Xx

Hi all
Doodle- hope you enjoyed being back at Church - good to see everyone again. Hope coffee and cake were involved.
It’s lovely you are not short on visitors - nice to have a catch up.
A visit to the hairdresser always makes you feel better doesn’t it- just a pity about the extra rinse!
HVDY- it must have been heartwarming to see your SiL showing a little of the person you are so fond of.
Your Step GD has dealt so well with what would have fazed many an adult. What a kind Step Nan you are. Step children are every bit as precious aren’t they.
What a nice day you,ve had today too- that was a good walk for the girls.what colour nails did you have this time?
SweetPeaSue- I too think that it,ll be worth every penny to get a private Consultant Appt. You,ll have time to talk and be listened to properly. November is a ridiculously long time to wait.
As HVDY says all this worry will make you poorly - make an appointment if you can. Once you have you need to try and rest and take care of yourselves.
Wyllow- Sorry the MH nurse chickened out of the walk- it would have been OK I,m sure. Still at least you got that paperwork sorted. It sounds like that even if you did see her more often she,s not someone you feel easy with. But as time goes on you,ll get to know her more and it will be better.
Hope you,ve had a good visit with your nice carer today. The sun has been out all day today here.

Love to all those present and all our friends who post or just readxxx

Wyllow3 Thank you. Sorry things didn't go so well with the MH nurse. I expect MH services are stretched these days, so many people with problems. It's been sunny all day here today.

Met up with Son1, his girls and the dog at a country pub - they walked 3 miles there - had lunch, and we all went back in our car, to theirs. The rats (4 of them) came out to play and run around. Had my nails done, and am in for the rest of the day. How's everyone been today? x

I came in very aware it was your appointment today, Sweetpeasue. It sounded like another "bits and pieces of information" situation, some reassurance on nodules but not much else, but the length of time for getting information you need in bits is so far apart.

I'm 100% behind you going to the private cardiologist. You have both been so worried, for so long - please do go ahead.

What a lovely present for SiL,HVDY I'm glad she was able to enjoy the "happy birthday"and a little glimpse came through. Step GDis coping so well as you say at her age. Hope the anti b's work soon.

Thank you for those thoughts Scaredycat You must need that rest - it’s been a busy time, and raining a good reason for staying in.
‘
It wasn’t very good with the MH nurse. We didnt get that walk in, she didnt want to go out in the light rain, we had a form to fill…..she’s OK, but not really right for me, I need a sort of motherly type…and I don’t see her often enough for “getting to know”. They are so pushed and busy it’s not at all what it used to be for support.

Carer tomorrow.

*I hope the rain didnt spoil your hair do Doodle. I’m so very very glad you have a lift to church, 2 weeks is an awfully long time for something so important in your life. I hope you are able to get to the hospice and see friends again soon.

Thinking of absent BD’s, and hoping for good sleeps all and sun tomorrow.

Doodle Thankyou so much, I know it's difficult for you to post. It was a Respiratory Dr we saw.
* HVDY * So pleased your SIL recognised you and had a nice time. That means so much, I'm sure. Thanks for your support.

Doodle Step-GD has been taking it all in her stride - she's been examined by 4 male doctors in the last 2 days (most girls of almost 15 would be horrified but she's been unfazed). I took her a small gift and a card to let her know we care. I'm glad you saw some friends today. I hope you didn't get wet after you'd had your hair done.

It's been a busy but productive day. Tired, so off to bed soon. Hope ALL BDers have a decent sleep tonight x

Wyllow3 How did it go with the MH nurse? I hope she's given you some ideas of small steps to aim for and nothing that might be overwhelming.

ScaredyCat After a busy few days, I bet you needed a bit of a rest. The weather's been awful today, hasn't it? It's rained all day long here.

SweetpeaSue Thank you. My SIL recognised me, which was good. The carers sang Happy Birthday to her and presented her with a cake, and she was quite touched. A glimpse of her old self shone through, briefly. Step-GD was examined thoroughly and had a scan. They say she's got several abscesses under one nipple and in one armpit but can't say why. She's got to continue with antibiotics and go back in 2 weeks. So sorry your husband's appointment today wasn't very helpful. November is too long to wait. If you can afford it, seeing someone privately would be a good idea. Angina might be a possible cause. I hope you both get some rest tonight. You'll make yourself ill with all the stress.

HVDY what a lovely present for your SIL. Very thoughtful.
Hope things go ok at the breast unit. Nice of you to take them
Wyllow. I can understand how tired you get. It’s hard to battle with not having any enthusiasm for anything. Hope the MH visit goes ok
Scaredycat family doing ok thank you. Yes I do have a lift to church and am looking forward to going. I’ve missed it these past two weeks. I used to cut my DH’s hair in covid too. Not very successfully.
Sweetpeasue yes I have had friends round thank you. Went to hairdresser today and got soaked at least my hair is clean.
Stick to your guns and go with your gut instinct. If you’re wrong then it’s cost you a constant visit but if you’re right you’ll be glad you did it. Sorry what Consultant did you see today was it cardiology or respiratory?