BLACK DOG 25

Elveral I don’t know how you cope with your grief and looking after your girls. You’re doing so well. It’s the hardest thing ever

HVDY hope your throat is better soon. Hope your vented transactions work out well.
Scaredycat hope the hydrangeas settle in and thrive. We had one years ago that changed colour. I think it’s to do with the soil.
Sweetpeasue sorry you had such a bad dream. When I have one it lingers in my mind and can spoil the whole day.
Had my hair done this morning. This afternoon wasn’t great but I’ve settled a bit now.

Scaredy-cat am having a bad week.
Don’t know if anything is going to happen about golden wedding. Son 1 got big financial issues and seems to be a constant drain. I don’t grudge him anything but he is stressed with it all. They both work hard but don’t have well paid jobs. So tired of everything.
So many of my activities have stopped so it will mean more walking and sitting in cafes or in the car.

Thanks for all of your kind words, it’s much appreciated.
DD is wearing a big dress and is very excited for the prom.
She’s getting her hair done too. Yes it’s nearly the school holidays isn’t it and the youngest will be off too, 6 weeks here.
I did sleep well, and feel so much better for it. Tonight I went on a walk so hopefully will sleep well tonight too. It was lovely to be outside, really warm.
DH was only 60 when he passed away. I’m 7 years younger than him. I just keep trying to think about how he would want me to be strong and look after the girls when I’m feeling low, it was always at the forefront of his mind. I was feeling angry a lot, at everything, and had done for a long time, but this week that seems a bit better.
Must go to sleep now, talk soon xx

Elveral My Dad died when my mum was 48. She had two children twins, my Docsis and her brother, aged 14 at home (me and my otters sis were at Uni.

She actually went into MHospital for 6 weeks with the grief, but when she came out she said it was having to be there for my twin sis and brother that got her through, and having to go to work (teaching) I don’t know if that rings true for you or not.

It helps that its warm, these evenings were the light lasts a long time

I hope so xx

I’m glad you went for your hair, Doodle. I think, looking back on my recovery, that looking that bit better helped me face the world. It may or may not be like that for you. Ah, the grief that settles like a black cloud. Well done for getting through to the evening. Yes, DH would have wanted you to be strong, but also to care for yourself. Course you feel angry. Something has been taken away from you big time.

Aw Ellie Anne I’m sad it’s a bad week for you. It cant help that you have worries about your Son 1 and his financial troubles. It’s good that you can help them out, but clearly there is a “gap”. You can only do so much, but what matters is that you care, not given up on caring.

What has stopped? Is it your choice, or just the way things have happened? Keep on with the walks tho. I stopped walking. It’s not good. So award yourself points for struggling to thwart walk and cafe, where you can “people watch”. I know thats a mixed blessing -ie comparing oneself.

I’ve had a pottering evening, I thought I was too tired but started just pottering sorting out little things, never pushing, so feel achievements.

Everything is so suddenly alive, I want to get this and that done that I’d put off for 2 years.

I know, moderate it, but little achievements help a lot.

I lose my sense of time, I look up at the clock and its suddenly 1.30am!

I imagine BD's together like this....

www.youtube.com/watch?v=O72RlqbQ2eg

(Nataturbe you can sit and join in the song)

Wyllow my choir and 2 Church activities have stopped for the summer. Also I don’t go to son 1( houseworkironing and school pick up) in the school holidays because d in L is off.
I will walk to a reservoir today. Sit and read there if it is not too cold. It’s very cloudy here.
Maybe go for a coffee on the way home.

Ah, I see now Ellie Anne.

Well, its my experience too that DiL is not exactly off, but she does relate far more closely to her own mum: I honestly dont know if its the common or garden slight jealousy that Mum wants love from her son or not, but always possible.

Anyway, I hope the weather picks up for you, its nice here and my carer coming for Bot Gardens and dropping of some 'only read once' books to the community library.

Later, all x

Sorry Wyllow I meant she is off work now because she works in a school

Ah, thank you for putting me right Ellie Anne. How has your walk gone?

I've just been with my carer for a couple of hours, we took books to the local "run by volunteers" library and as they were classic thrillers, only read once, most welcome. Then we headed to the Botanical Gardens for a stroll and chat, chose to carry on rambling and looking at this and that instead of the long queue for coffee.

I really have to head out for food shopping but that's fine.

Had to change my walk as a friend wanted to meet for coffee but still managed a few miles. She’s having a hard time and kept getting upset . All I could really do was listen . Card has arrived today. I’m assuming it is an anniversary card from his brother and s in L because of postmark. Apart from children I don’t have any family.
It’s sitting on the kitchen table and I am ignoring it.

Elveral It must be hard seeing your girls grow up and knowing their dad isn't here to see it. The prom is a big thing now - don't think schools had them years ago . Your daughter must be looking forward to it . Glad you got some sleep in . I think it's natural to be angry at such a huge loss so early in life. You are doing all you can to keep going and must feel very alone at times with all the responsibilities. Take care of yourself too.
EllieAnne You too sound so alone and it obviously makes it harder when your church activities finish for summer. I remember you feeling worse last year when that happened. Your golden wedding anniversary is bound to bring all feelings to the fore. It was kind of you to be there for your friend and change your plans but glad you got those few miles in - it seems to help you a lot.
Oh the card on the table ,an extra reminder. You'll probably feel better when it's all behind you- I'm so sorry ,it's so awful for you living this way. I don't really have any words that can help. A caring hug is all.
Wyllow You're doing so much and the comment ' everything is so suddenly alive' seems to sum up exactly what your bi-polar ' high' must be like. I hope you are getting enough sleep in , just notice your posts are even later. Being able to meditate like that is a good thing for you though and can slow your thoughts.
Aw the circle dance - I love those steps , they look quite difficult to the music - reminded me a little of the Russian dancing the way they turn left and right.
Hope you managed your food shopping after your walk .

Been to book group and only a handful there but was pleasant. DH went to hairdresser in village then walked back.
He cut my hair this morning so although it's shorter it's still heavy at the bottom as blunt cut.
Hoping everyone has been OK and had a reasonable day. Do hope your afternoon has been better Doodle Sending love.x

Ellie Anne I’m so glad you walked - a few miles, you must be fit! I’ve walked a lot for me today, because of going to the Botanical Gardens then a very long time in Sainsburys as had a lot to get

But it must have been a great comfort to your friend to pour it out. People don’t want advice unless they ask for it?

That card was a real trigger, wasn’t it? So sad.

Sweetpeasue you are spot on, I’m not getting enough sleep. I have noted it. What I have to do, especially as I didnt get an afternoon rest, is force myself to “stop” doing stuff around 10pm. I really do have to, yes it is a sign of being a bit manic.

I’m so glad for you as you have made strides as regards the book club. I wasn’t so long ago it was always a struggle. A good sign. DH must be very good at cutting, it’s great he can do your hair. £££’s saved and no confronting hairdressers.

Yes I did loads of things again, too many, but what a sense of achievement. I sat in the car after shopping and a Costa to rest (except I typed out all my diary and sent it on via my sister on WhatsApp - so it’s now in my diary.

I collected my reading specs as well (Specsavers in Sainsbugs)

And - no laughing at the back there! A fourth pair of the trousers that are magic. I had to get a size smaller so it’s for when my tum is behaving.

I got a Landsend catalogue through the door - they are tops for mature ladies swimsuits, ie ones that actually cover your backside, so I ordered one quickly, as they are selling out rapidly and its late to get swimwear by the end of June. I know that I have to sort my ears out for swimming, but my DiL mentioned a hot tub at the place they are staying in August and I wanted to join in.

I loved that circle dance too, I wish I could access something like that. It’s such gentle dancing and a warm atmosphere.

Back later, I must eat.

Ellie Anne when is your anniversary? Is your Dh supportive of your son. Would he help them financially?
Some of my activities are closing for summer too. Glad you were able to support your friend. Sounds like she needed someone to talk to.
Wyllow it’s a joy to read your posts.
HVDY How has your throat been today. Hope you’re feeling better.
Elveral hope yourDD enjoys the prom.
Sweetpeasue good you went to book club and had a good time.
Scaredycat when are you looking after your DDs cats?
I’m going through a tough patch at the moment. So sorry short posts. Xx

Wyllow Did smile about the trousers( I bought a dress that was a size smaller to encourage me to lose weight)

I've not had a swimsuit on for at least 25 yrs ( my legs are awful) At the lodge park we stayed in that my son and family had another lodge in too, they had hot tubs. I'd never been in one before and I wore silk ( not real!) pyjama bottoms and a cami top.
Do tell us what you think of it when you have a soak. It can be lovely to look up at the night sky .

Oh * Doodle* So sorry for your 'tough patch' . I wish there were words but even if there were I guess they'd not help much. I do hope the wrists are not as painful. I know we all think of you every day and we all care so much. Sending you live and many hugs. Hope you sleep well tonight.x

Wyllow what are the trousers like.? I need comfy trousers and have a Sainsbury’s not too far away.
Doodle we are regularly helping son 1 out and occasionally son 2.
Anniversary is on Friday and I have no idea if he has arranged anything behind my back.
Feeling dread inside

Doodle My throat isn't sore, just croaky. Sorry you're having a rough time. What did you have done with your hair?

Elvera1 Your husband wasn't very old. It's understandable that you feel angry. He would be so proud of you for coping and making life good for your girls. You're doing so well.

EllieAnne I think we all worry about our adult children when they're going through hard times. If you can help, do, but they know you care. Glad you saw a friend today. She must have appreciated your listening ear. I don't know what to say about your upcoming anniversary - you aren't happy, and yet you stay. It's a difficult situation.

Wyllow3 Love the ladies dancing around in a circle . You've had another productive day! Hot tub sounds good, if you can manage it. It's been so humid here (no breeze whatsoever), I've been too tired/lazy to do much.

SweetpeaSue I bet your legs aren't as bad as you think. Mine are the only decent part of me. I've bought clothes in the past that were too small, to encourage me to lose weight. I failed and am now selling them. I hope you do better than me.

Bought a couple more things on Vinted and collected a dress and t-shirt today. I posted 4 more dresses to sell, sold one just now. Not much else. x

Wyllow yes having the girls to look after has definitely kept me going, I don’t know what I would have done without them, and having to get up in the morning.
Work is a good distraction too and I like chatting to people. Sorry to hear about your Dad. So hard for you all.
My dad when he was young too, only 63. It’s coming up to 11 years since he passed away.

I slept well again last night. No wonder, I ended up walking 4 miles. Ive made a new friend and it was lovely walking with her and having another adult to chat to. We’ve got a lot in common.
Sending you all love and strength.

My posts are trying to be positive.
On the other hand, I'm scared.
In book group several members have lost husbands.
I honestly believe that GP should have done better, since DH reported breathlessness and extremely tight chest last November.

I'm so tired that I will reply tomorrow, but reading the posts had led me to choose this for tonights U tube.

The song is entitled, "Comfort Ye" and I think it can be appreciated by all, because of the message and the warmth and comfort it can bring. Top singer.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dDjva1ecYo

btw, the song is one of two, the first one. I've loved the Messiah becuase our school choir sung it in the Town Hall. (I was a mere alto)

I went to bed at 1.05 having avoided acting on a "Second wind" Sweetpeasue but except one night - actually the one where I decided to get involved just a little in Ex's well-being - I'm only sleeping 6 hours. Thank you for making me ponder it.

Basically it's because I have cut down on my very addictive diazepam intake from 21mg a day, which is borderline v dodgy, to 16mg. Maybe a little too much too soon cutting down, so I will stabilise for a month now.

So very tired - yesterday was excellent for exercise, the botanical Gardens, the very long shop, the evening I spent in the kitchen as well enough too start thinking of cooking a freezing portions to stop buying expensive ready meals but goodness me need to rest/relax today if I can.

Hi all
Doodle- sorry to hear you are having a tough patch- it’s not surprising though . You have had so much to bear especially now when it’s so difficult to do everything. Added to that Summer Breaks always leave gaps in the week that need to be filled. You and your friend need to have a few days out when you are more comfortable.
Today is Cat Day number 1! We,ll spend the evening with the moggies and sleep there and feed as per instructions. But have our meals at home as it’s only,2 minutes away.
Please don’t worry about short posts as long as we know you’re Ok - xxx
EllieAnne- it’s sad to think of you sitting in your car but you have beautiful places near you so hope you can find a spot to sit outside .
Sharing your friends troubles was kind especially as your head is full of your own concerns. You are supportive parents to your Sons- we never stop worrying about them do we.
Friday might not be as bad as you think- whatever happens it will pass .
Elveral- your DD will look beautiful in her dress- such a big occasion for her and for you too. Your DH would be so proud of you and his girls. The way you are coping is wonderful and eventually that anger will recede and there will be much to look forward to. I speak from experience.
A new friend is a good start - you sound very comfortable with her.
SweetPeaSue- your DH really is multitalented. I wouldn’t dare let my DH loose on mine although I do cut his. Mainly because mine is fine and fly away whereas his is very thick.
Glad you’re persevering with Book Club - it probably suits you if it’s not a full house.
You’re doing a grand job wit( your positivity. Of course you are scared but we,ve said before try and live in the day and don’t let those scary thoughts win. You are right about your GP though.
Enjoy Fluffball day.
HVDY- Good job your throats not sore as well - croaky is bad enough.
I don’t like this hot,humid air - it drains all the energy out. Not that there was much in the first place!! Today is cooler so had a walk early and it was fresh.
You are very confident on Vinted- one of our GD uses it a lot. Are you generally pleased with what you buy?
How is Little Girl in the heat?
Wyllow- your fitness will start to come back with all this added activity. But as SweetPeaSue says you do need to get enough sleep - good idea to press the STOP button at 10pm.
The joy in your words at your full days is wonderful to read- it’s like your world has become technicolour again.
Maybe GP could advise you re meds although you must be very experienced yourself.
Have a bit of a day off today - just do the things you love- you can!!!
Nadateturbe- how are you today?

Love to all - those mentioned and our absent friends. Also anyone just reading .

As ever, so spot on, and certainly true of me. The rainbow colors are there, there are warm colors and cool colours. Embracing sadness and pain too. I’d say my feelings on matters with ex are embracing very dark colours in the very real concerns: balanced by happy memories too. I’m glad I intervened. It has given me the chance to feel both without fear. Feeling his friend will act given the reassurance that friend will do as much as possible and if the worst happens he is a man who has truly led a vv troubled life indeed.

I loved you saying it was cat day no 1 🤗
I’ve picked u0 a few things in Sainsbugs but instead of heading home will go to local park, get a coffee, and watch the water and ponder .

did all that, the park was lovely, sun, windy, coffee and a crispy roll, a walk round taking photos of all the play areas to send to family to tempt them. Felt sad/happy in a good way, we used to go out on days like this, but happy cos I have my family. Mainly drifting along happily all alive around me.