BLACK DOG 26

She doesn’t have a tv licence and is paranoid about being caught.
I’m listening to Tom wriggles worth s programmes on radio 4

Sorry all so tired hence short post.
Thankyou for your support and kind words.
Took aunt out this morning. Noticed DHs driving extremely slow ,yet he didn't realise. I took over driving. He's not well at all today. He can't wait mths for another appt.. Will go private to see if it helps. Was thinking about making a complaint to Vascular dpt but DH doesn't want to start ' everything ( own experience) off again and tbh I know I couldn't go through all that again. No energy anding won't take it.

Love to all and thinking about you all.

No energy and mind won't take it.

Actually got out for a short easy walk and a cappuccino in our favourite cafe. Chatting to staff who know us well wasn't easy, foggy head, but so good to be out, and if I don't push myself when I can, it would get worse and I would become very isolated/antisocial. I wish I could sleep, awake most of the night, doesnt help. I've tried all the recommended ways. I hope the fresh air helps. Its hard to sit outside when I have a crash. I feel more comfortable in bed.
Wyllow3 this is a stupid question but what is the second bike photo? I love your cuddly toys.
You made me laugh with "for the likes of me ". But it was good they had a scheme. I'm sure Cambridge was an experience. I can just picture you cycling there.
Doodle it was nice you had company. Your friends are very supportive. It's nice to have church to look forward to. I would be lost without jigsaws. They give me something to concentrate on, and are a distraction. But only 500 pieces. Don't like 1000.
I wish we had a Waitrose in NI.
EllieAnne poor wee cat. That was awful. There's lots on YouTube, even films. My DD, was the same, no licence. She only got one recently to watch Glastonbury 😁. I'm sure you could get other tv channel son your ipad..
Scaredycat, there's nothing nicer than children visiting. Have a lovely time.
HVDY look forward to seeing your finished room. I must look for Kays Cooking. Hope you're enjoying your Saturday.
Sweetpeasue sometimes a good cry helps.
Well done on picking yourself up and taking Auntie out, and your DH too. He does so well under the circumstances. I hope if you go private it helps you get some help quickly.
Hello Candy and anyone else reading.
Love to everyone.
Wishing you all a peaceful night.x

Natateturbr it’s worrying her so I can survive for a few days!
I’ve just watched a lovely film called come rain come shine with David Jason and Alison stead man.

*SweetpeaSue Your husband needs something doing soon. He can't wait months. I hope he will get an appointment very soon.

Nadateturbe You did well to get out. Being indoors for too long can become a habit - I know it myself. I've done washing, swept and tidied the patio, moved a lot of planters, generally faffed about. The bedroom we had done looks great (no pics, only videos), and this is the roller blind I bought for it. I'm looking forward to buying things for the 2nd room.

Hope everyone has a peaceful night x

EllieAnne it's only a few days as you say. Must look at the film, I like Alison Steadman.
HVDY that's a lot of faffing about . The blind is very pretty. I've never seen any like that.
You're right about being indoors. I have a friend who has been ill for a few months and now won't go out.
I also have a brother who hasn't been out for years, except for medical appointments. So I know to make myself go out when I can. It would be so easy not to.

Oh my HVDY I love that design.

You're doing very well, Ellie Anne. I like R4 quite a lot - information based often which is a good distraction to emotional issues. that film sounds right up my street too, I'll have a look at it.

Nadaturbe I was so pleased to hear you got out! When I was very very ill in my depressive period I wouldnt go out, it's a physical and mental thing, isnt it, and can just get worse with lack of practice. So - all the best for more practice. the second bike picture is the folded up carrier that fits on the car, hence the number plate.

It sits low so it's only about 1.5 ft to lift the bike on, and has top design to fit onto the tow bar and fix the bike with locks. It's also very heavy, right at the limit of my current strength.

Oh Sweetpeasue - no, there is a risk to drag yourself down with a complaint. Why, when you are just getting somewhere? The time to do it, is when and if matters are concluded and it's in the past. Why pi** them off now?

I had a wonderful day today. Tidied the place max possible as one does before a visitor, and I was nervous so did Stuff, and the list was absolutely wonderful. Just slipped into close family mode and Nephew helped set up the bike whilst his wife sunned herself with my sun hat and scarf and lotion as she is 7 months pregnant. Pic is proof ~I got back on my bike.

then I went to Sainsbugs and in the reduced clothes section got two fab tops, one long sleeved embroidered hippy look, and one flowing blue pattern sleeveless top that will look good with all my plain trousers.

Then I took off, after some thought, to a pub which I wanted to see if it was suitable for children - it was, there is a huge field to play in, so I sat in the evening sun with a latte and checked out the menu etc for the family. Very tired now, but no alarm setting for tomorrow and although I will go to quakers for a while it's the only day I've had for a long time with no must do's.

Lots of mixed grief, loss, and happiness, however.... its the way atm and for the best, the dark and the light, not blocking all out.

Nadaturbe I bought the blind from Dunelm. The window looked bare, just with curtains. Any plans for today? I hope going out yesterday hasn't left you too tired.

Wyllow3 What a great day you had - bargains in the way of new tops, a visit from your nephew and his wife, and sitting in a pub garden. To top it all, being on your bike. You look so happy, it's so good to see.

Got a lot of shopping to get this morning - all the food for a BBQ later (4ish). All the family will be here, so it'll be a busy day. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

Well I really hope you get the sun for your super day.

I am very aware this morning that I am overdoing it and have to be wiser, btw, as it I pile on being too busy and tire myself, then thats when in the past, the depressive episode comes, and it will (I cannot escape the patterns of Bi-polar 2, but I can ameliorate them) - the chances of another depression after 8/9 major episodes lifelong are in the 94% range.

its just so nice feeling well and enjoying it you ca see why people cant let go of it. However, I am blessed or as the professional says "lesser of two evils" not having Bi-Polar 1, which of course Ex had, and it ruined his life -(thats why I shall never, despite all, lose my compassion)

Today is my favourite day - Quakers followed by a quiet yoga workout at the gym - both should ground me if I take it easy.

Sweetpeasue If you are going private find the best vascular place locally and the best surgeon. Ask to be referred to who you want to see. Wishing you both well
Nadateturbe I am not brilliant at jigsaws and would normally do only 300 or 500 but this one was bought for me.
HVDY I love your roller blind. Looks really nice. You’re tackling a lot if you plan to do hall and stairs after the second bedroom. Hope you had a lovely time at the BBQ with the family.
Ellie Anne I might have a look and see if I can find that film too.
Wyllow lovely photo of you on the bike. You sound very buoyant. Glad you’re getting out and about.
Scaredycat hope things are going well for you.
I’ve been to church and spent this afternoon looking at old photos and videos. They make me both happy and sad.

Yes Wyllow lovely photo. I wouldn’t show you all what I look like. I feel ugly.
I went to a local church today. Very small it’s a church plant.
I knew most of the hymns and people were very welcoming. What I found strange was that the pastor a youngish man did nt speak to me at all. You couldn’t not notice a newcomer.
Watched another good film like father like son with robson green.
Tonight I’m watching Belonging with a very young Brenda Blethyn.

Doodle Hope today you had a nicetime at church. Think you mentioned a Waitrose shop today too. We have no Waitrose shops at all round here, anywhere in the north. The first one I went in was on the other side of Menai Bridge. Hope you've been OK. Yes, I will keep chasing appts thanks.
Nadateturbe Oh I do hope you've had a better day and feel stronger. It's so easy to become a bit agoraphobic when you're in all the time I know. It's just a vicious cycle and the more we stay in the less we feel we want to go out too.
HVDY I like your roller blind too - isn't Dunelm great to look around. Hope you have a great family time at your BBQ. Does your DH do the cooking at it. Funny how men love to stand behind the Barbie ,even if they don't usually cook , but I know your DH is good anyway.
EllieAnne That film dies sound good- I'll look out for it. Love Alison Steadman too. Won't be long now before you can return home. You've done fantastic to drive all that way.
Scaredycat How beautiful to see the seals. So glad you're having a lovely time there. Great your DD and SIL is joining you.
Wyllow So good to see you looking so happy on your bike. You look so slim and fit -- that yoga must be a great body toner too. Glad your nephew's visit went so well and you were all comfortable with one n other. You have certainty had a very busy week and I hope today has been more relaxing.
Regarding the Vascular consultant who dismissed my DH ,well, they need pi--ing off. But I know it would be too difficult. I don't feel we're getting anywhere fast , or fast enough, for my DH and it's all the Dr's mistakes. My DH was a fit person and waiting for these damned Spirometry tests was just useless. The second Spirometry test after seeing a Respiratory nurse/Dr , should have taken place with a crash cart as we'd already told him about the first. Instead another 3 mths waiting for an appt where he was told by the nurse he'd been sent to wrong place as no crash cart there. So angry about it all Wyllow.
.y DH has gone from being able , albeit slowly , to put up a shed to having to gasp during speaking a sentence.
I'm trying to forget about the past when I was helpless in the hands of Dr's to now having those feelings coming back.

Doodle Just seen your latest post while writing this. There are no local private Vascular surgeon's locally. However , while googlingSubclavian Steal, I noticed that Cardiologists often communicate alongside of Vascular and they also know about the connection with the heart arteries. I DO have a private named Cardiologist who also works in local large hospital though the Vascular Surgeon there is same one to dismiss DH.

I'm feeling a bit tangled. The other woman GP who the nurse went for when DH was having a blood test seemed to think DH needed Cardiologist. Might go to her to refer DH. Have already been to head GP who's referred DH to Newcastle Vascular. Seen her referral notes and she put at the end about DH clutching on to the door frame as he left . I told her that's what's happening now, he's going dizzy. I will certainly find out how long waiting list is when news of referral comes through. Will ring hispital , thanks * Nadateturbe*

Sorry for being so caught up in myself and own worries. You all have your own but thanks for support.

Hope you all have a peaceful night and sleep. Xx

Bloody hell - wrote a long post and lost it. Back later

Wyllow3 You know your illness so well and are aware of the triggers. I hope you've had a more relaxing day today. It rained this morning, but was sunny and windy this afternoon, so all was well.

Doodle The stairs here will need a lick of paint and a new carpet (this one has been taken up a few times because of new pipes, then a leak). Did you find some people to chat with at church?

EllieAnne You put yourself down too much. Very few people in life are beautiful, and many of those have had cosmetic treatments. Most of us are average, and that's ok. I've always worn make-up, used to have my hair dyed, and try to dress nicely. Those things make me feel a bit better about my appearance. I like Brenda Blethyn, such a great actress. I love her in Little Voice. When will you be going home?

SweetpeaSue DH did the food on the BBQ, I did the oven food - potato wedges, pizzas, quiches. As usual, I bought far too much food. I remember you saying your husband was putting up a shed, which wasn't so long ago, was it? No wonder you're concerned now, if he gets breathless when he's talking. I hope the referral comes through quickly.

The family were all here, we had a nice time, and they all went at 7.30. GDs 1 and 2, plus Little Girl, will all be here all day tomorrow. (The girls are great childminders ). Hope everyone on here has a restful night x

Doodle I’ve never really had a go at jigsaws, but I think I could enjoy them as a distraction, a challenge. and I like the picture. But like you say, there would be limits!
I find what you have been doing, to a lesser degree of course - looking at pictures, videos, letters - is bitter sweet.
And very necessary to move on X

I doubt you are ugly, Ellie Anne. I felt gross and ugly when I was severely depressed, I wouldn’t look at myself in the mirror except to remove the worse of facial hair or check my hair was presentable if I was seeing anyone. And that took an effort.

But I am not ugly, am I?. It is your state of mind that is doing this to you. Personally only needs and support have helped me out of it and I am so sad that you have so little self worth you cant seeks out medication or counselling.

It’s worth a try. You are worth it. People enjoy chatting to you on here.

Hey, you are lining up some good films, have been making notes.

Sweetpeasue, yes, justifiably angry - but we both know not to mess up care in the present by complaining now, and anyway its more important to spend that time and energy in getting the best out of the system.

Dh is very poorly, isnt he. I know it’s a left field suggestion, but tell him your friend the yoga teacher recommends that in bed yoga. Its important he feels he can achieve something., although of course everyone struggles with, “it wasn’t what I used to be able to do”

(Except atm, as I am on an “up”, I am now doing more than for a very very long time.

But I’m hardly unique. -^millions of people over the country make a decision daily to try and find something…physical, emotional, to alleviate their situation^.)

But you are still posting about DH all the time, and little about you. Remember the aeroplane tale “put on your oxygen mask on first before helping another person”

See that psychologist xx

HVDY I’m loving following all the “home improvements” you and Dh are doing. You are a real motivator, I recall when DH retired he sat around. And now he’s doing the BBQ!

Good advice to Ellie Anne. I’d say add good skin and hair care to the walks you do which of course are spot on.

Today I’ve just this evening organised a trip up to see the family, after my seaside break. I am going to book into a hotel just round the corner, I cant handle the frenetic pace of their family life, for there is no spare bedroom, you have to sleep in the playroom, which is private until they come and go through the French windows and no bathroom without interrupting them all upstairs, just a loo and sink. I need space and time for me, and it will remove substantial tensions.

(I’m seeing them first in August)

So many good things today - Quakers of course..the gym, where I had a pamper as well as yoga and weights - and the natters were great, we more or less directed men and relationships with them. Eat you r heart out mens locker room gossip 😂 much laughter.

I was able to talk about Ex, but the real cherry on the cake came after that. I was one and dont like either, so just started by asking a women, oh, have you been for a swim” and..liong story short, she turned out to be an ex school music teacher, and has set up for over 50’s - get this - an all women disco singing and dancing group upstairs in a pub.

I’m gong to give it a try when it starts up in September but it sounds right up my street.

The weather was lovely in the Botanical gardens, got caught up in a discussion with a woman from Somalia dn her two girls rushing around on their bikes. We got to talking religion and cultures and history and the lot. Her traditional garb was like a cover story - she wears trousers to go cycling.
There go all the stereotypes, I thought.

It was sunny and the wind switched, and the flowers and the painting is wonderful as was the coconut latte and hot cream custard tart.

I havent really stopped all day in one way, but in another, been relaxed most of the time, as of course yoga is all about calming. I got tempted by a couple of political threads which slowed my arrival in here, but I just have to say who on another board and I think some ice cream and a bit of TV…..I dont have to get up early.

Painting =planting, but a poetic accident.

Night night all BD's.

You can make it through difficult times. -but never be ashamed to ask for help.

Wyllow3 My husband would still sit and do nothing all day (and does, unless I organise something). I've waited years to get these things done. You're really going for it all now - a visit to your family, staying in a hotel, gym, chatting with people at the gardens, and dancing *& singing with a group of women - it's a very far cry from you not being able to face getting dressed. I'm so pleased you're now so well.

How's everyone else been?
LG was here at 8. We picked up the 2 big GDs at 10, all went to an indoor play centre (it's huge) for 2 hours, then pub lunch, shop for desserts, and here because it absolutely poured with rain all afternoon. They all went 30 minutes ago, and I paid the girls for being such great childminders . Hope everyone has been ok x

I get my hair cut and coloured every couple of months.. skin is not too bad for my age but I’ve probably been outside too much without sun screen. We never knew about sun damage when we were young . But I don’t have an attractive face and hate mirrors and photos.

Ellie Anne glad you’re getting on ok. Bit rude of the Pastor not to say hello. Glad others were friendly.
When is your Dh taking over?
Sweetpeasue there must be a vascular team somewhere near you . By near I mean a place that doctors refer to. DH’s vascular team were an hour away. But that where we had to go to see them. How far is Newcastle from you? Can’t you get an appointment with one privately in Newcastle?
HVDY it annoys me so much when I lose a post. Such a pain.
Yes I always find people to talk to in church. I know most of them quite well now and they’re a friendly bunch.
How lovely to have all three of your girls together. What a lovely day you all had. So nice for them all.
Wyllow I know what you mean but I’m never moving on.
I will stay living in the past if you like because that was when I was happy. I’m going out and doing things, meeting people and enjoying a lot of what I do but nothing comes within a million miles of being with my DH. I know many who want to move on. Some meet someone else, marry again. Some can only cope by removing all trace of their partners from their homes. I’m not like that. I keeps DH’s things around me everywhere. It’s not a matter of time, they will always stay in our home where we had such happiness.
I hope you can find some peace of mind now and enjoy your new found zest for life. It’s so lovely to hear you being enthusiastic again and meeting people. So pleased you’re going to meet up with your family, that’s great, 😊
Scaredycat hope you are having a good time. Been very windy here today,

Ellie Anne I’m not attractive in any way. Profile wise I’m all nose and hair. Got to the point when I’m not fussed any more. I do the best I can with what I’ve got,

EllieAnne I wish I was at least average height (am 5ft 1), slim (haven't been since I was about 25), had lovely teeth (couldn't ever afford dental implants). None of those things will change. You lack self-confidence but that couldchange, if you work on it or get counselling.

Doodle Yes, it was lovely to have all 3 and all well-behaved. I've heard before some people say they don't want to move on after their spouse dies. It seems as though you're doing all you can to get on with your life, and yet you don't really want to. . It was very windy here, too, today.

Not TOO bad with make-up, but utterly gruesome without. Hair is unmanageable (rain or humidity)but being cut on Friday.