BLACK DOG 26

Doodle I had another look. All I found last time were Vascular surgeon's that dod varicose veins which led me yo think Vascular surgeon's were thin on the ground. There are some at Newcastle ( which is about 1 hr and 20 mins from us). I've also found that Cardiologists also are instrumental, with Vascular, for SS. We're thinking going to GP ,who thinks Cardio related, on Thursday when she's on and could referr us to local Cardio in large hospital that knows Vascular dept in our local teaching hospital ( though that means the Dr who dismissed us) I'll call Newcastle hospital as soon as I know referral has been received for NHS one.
You are so good to help but I know you are so heartbroken about your own DH. I honestly don't know how you cope yet I guess the answer to that is , what's the alternative? Much ❤️.
EllieAnne I'm not.much to look at these days , but how many women do retain their youth ( without surgical help . ) HVDY is right. Not many. You are so valued by your family and friends.
HVDY What beautiful skin and complexion you have. You have such a kind face and eyes ( somehow how I pictured you). Strange isn't it how we all can feel so much for each other but a visual image isn't actually necessary.
Wyllow Not contacted MH worker yet. May do tomorrow.

Thank you HVDY, yes, happy days but have very dark parts in them sometimes - but relatively brief so but atm I tend to say the exciting bits as even sitting in a cafe seems - yes - exciting just people watching after home alone never leaving the house except shopping and workers for over 2 years till early June.

I looked at your pic and you have a square ish shaped face as I do.
What I had done is have a different shape of hair that is wide around just above ear level and shaped in at the base to sort of soften my square face by making the hair cut"round or "tulip" shape - it worked for me

It’s so good they have these play centres for wet weather, it makes all the difference.

When I said moving on for you Doodle I didn’t mean starting afresh a new life as it were,
I meant a sort of change as time goes on in the way you are grieving.
If I were in your position I would hold fast to that love of years and all the things that real happy times, too. I would not want to leave it behind either.

I’m having a fresh start because I have not desire to recall big chunks and want another relationship if I can find the right person as part of life anew.

I have bits of Ex around and happy for that as there were good times but I also have bits of other significant others in my life, family, old friends, my first long marriage which ended amicably for example. One of the worse aspects of Ex's gaslighting was that he didn't like me having friends so I had only 1 in all that time, my dear elderly Quaker friend now gone.
He would grumble even if I stayed talking in the changing rooms. He'd whisk me away from taking to others male or female. he didnt like it if I was out longer than I thought I'd be. Nothing was ever said -it was all done by disapproval and withdrawal of love. small wonder that something as simple as talking at the gym gives me so much pleasure. Gosh, people actually like talking to me! I'd forgotton.

Today, so much for the much vaunted and advertised storm, which I hoped would really deep water my garden.

Pah. 40 mins of raging winds, 30 mins of rain, and it’s back to hand watering or watching plants die. Its times like this I know I need to move on, I just dont like the house enough to have the huge garden and things like the house completely rendered and new damp courses put in.

Most women I know see themselves as less attractive than they are, Ellie Anne.

Me? I think it’s a lifetime of exercise, tbh: I was very, very average face wise as a teenager, tho born T shirt shape, 5ft 5” , long legs.

(Yoga exercises include the neck, and face for example, and shape you)

As Doodle says, you do the best with what you’ve got. You should have seem me at the worst of depression, I looked 10 years older, hair just hanging unwashed, dull clothes, skin not looked after and so on.

Sweetpeasue I do hope you find someone you can trust - do you have any idea at all how long the Newcastle wait can be?

All the best getting in touch with the MH worker tomorrow. I can only suggest…why do you put it off xxx - I feel so sad seeing you suffer when they helped you before.

Did loads today, as the day started with a nice treat facial, and long natters over a latte and teacake at lunch…. I did some incredibly lucky charity shopping and TU reduced, and had a coffee outside a
Costa in the sun. Simple pleasures still seem seem a bit magical. I’m u late cos me and docSits nattered for 1 hours 30 mins. Talk a lot about the family and our pasts, revising, understanding and changing preconceptions of each other.

I’m standing up to her these days too, the conversations get quite vigorous as she had a quite a different view from me of my relationship with my sister who died of cancer in 2019.

We sort of go at it for a bit, then listen to each other - she hasn’t seen many bits of my quite complex relationship with my sister as she wasn’t actually there when me and other sis went away as families on long family holidays al together having a really good time.

Night Night all BD's xx

SweetpeaSue Thank you. It's the miracle of make-up. I had fillers a few years ago in my marionette lines, but the bloke injected too much, causing scarring. The lines always come back after a while (which they have) anyway. How are you both today?

Wyllow3 Under my jowls and fat neck, my face is/should be heart-shaped. I let the hairdresser do what he thinks, I trust him. Your ex was controlling, trying to isolate you like that . I'm glad you're enjoying life so much now. You had a long chat with your sister, that must have been good.

Up at 6.30. Plasterers here at 8.30, still busy. I did aqua aerobics and had brunch. GD2,s cat is in labour, poor thing is only 13 months old. The stupid mother didn't get her speyed) , didn't notice it was pregnant, and has got a puppy (unneutered too) now, too. I hate the woman. Hope the poor cat gets on ok. How is everyone today? x

Wyllow It's great you can make more communication with your family now. I hope you feel closer to your sis after that long chat. I've often found that memories of childhood are different with myself and sisters. Oh your ex was so very controlling and you must have found that very suffocating and naturally limited your socialising to keep the peace. I asked GP that referred DH about the waiting time but she couldn't give me any idea at all. Ony Friday she made the referral so I'll call the Newcastle hospital next week- they should have the referral by then.
HVDY I've thought of getting fillers in my marionette lines but they're so deep now I think any improvement would be very limited! Oh dear Granddaughter2's mum sounds very irresponsible- your DGD is so lucky to have you as a grandmother. ( As I wrote that an emoji appeared with a ' little old lady's face' with a white bun-- cheek!) You've had a busy day - glad you enjoyed aqua-aerobics. I'm OK thanks just same- worried about DH who is extremely tired and low.

Went out for a coffee with DH and nipped into M&S for my Haddock Mornay and Cottage pie for DH. Just couldn't be bothered cooking tonight.
Picked up teddy in charity shop. Rang MH centre- trainee psychologist calling me tomorrow.
Thought a lot about it as don't want DH worrying about me so we've had a good talk and he's quite relaxed that I will have someone to talk to.

Hope everyone has had a decent day.
Love to all.

SweetpeaSue I wish I'd bought something for dinner. I made a lasagne and it was quite sloppy. It tasted ok though. Is the teddy for you or your GS?? I'm glad you're going to get a call tomorrow. You need to get it all off your chest. You and your husband both need help and I hope he won't be waiting long.

God's cat has so far had 1 kitten, dead. She might have only had the one baby, so we'll see. The thick GD mum surely must get the cat speyed soon, it could come into heat again in only a week or 2. How I loathe people like her. DH just gone out with Son1 x

That is one busy day, HVDY! aqua, cats in Labour, unentered puppies, plasterers invasion...phew

I also had one, the headline is my hearing care appointment, she is ordering new hearing aids for me, oh my the difference they make and also how much better the over the ear ones are in just a few years, no need to shell out for in the ear ones. And of course they alleviate tinnitus.

A practical day, shopping for this and that, food shop, clothes at charity shop as it was a "half price day". Lots of good natters along the way of course, including the nice older checkout till lady who tried to recruit me for Scottish dancing. And the man in the 2nd hadn't office shop who gave me a little cheap chair that had caught my eye becuase I'd bothered to get to know him and had a warm greeting..

The icing on the cake is - the Per Una Stormwear, pretty but practical posh parka, which at half prices was £.3.25.

The other headline is just as important. When I take the letter to Ex, waiting for me will not just be the manager of the block of flats, but the overall manager for supported flats and well being etc. It just took honest and careful explaining, and she offered. So it will get to Ex, but nothing bad will happen to me with her there. She has too much power.

"God's " should say GD's cat

Second hand office shop not "2nd hadn't office shop" which is the opposite!

That will teach us not to post us in a hurry...😘

I hope we hear some news from other BD's.

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Oh HVDY the poor little newborn and poor mum too. So many now seem to have pets but don't bother looking after them. Saw something on the news yesterday and wish I hadn't ( was about cat cruelty). I can't believe some people - just can't understand.
Oh the teddy not for me - for a Ukrainian child. I had fun carrying it through the street and waving it's paw at children. Photo coming.
* Wyllow* I love dancing too ( or did). Not sure about Scottish though- too much jumping- but rather fancied the disco class you intend going to.
Sorry if you've already said but could you post the letter to ex or is it that you'd like to see him too. Glad you've arranged the flat manager to be there.

Not sure if it was yourself or another BD but someone asked about moon windchill I got and a photo. Took one last night.

This predictive text ! Windchime

HVDY you look very nice. I love your hair and your skin looks good too. Glad the 3 girls get on. I bet the older two start being younger when they’re with the baby.
Your GDs mother doesn’t sound a responsible person at all. Poor cat, I hope it’s ok glad you got to aqua aerobics.
Sweetpeasue glad you found out more about the vascular team. Good if you can get a cardiology appointment for your Dh too. I know it’s exhausting fighting this battle but keep going. Glad you’re having a chat to your MH team. You need support too.
I’m coping much better than I was. I go out and meet up with lots of people and do lots of things but I think about DH almost every second I’m awake, even if I’m talking to someone else . There are so many of us who feel the same but it’s comforting to be in the company of others who understand. Some people talk about losing parents or siblings and I know that’s really sad too but it’s not the same as losing the other half of you. Somehow we all just plod on and cope. Thank you for thinking of me. X
Wyllow yes I understand now what you meant. I hope you can continue this new Wyllow life. It’s lovely to hear the energy and excitement in your words. Glad you made some good purchases. Pleased you will be well looked after when you hand over the letter.
Went to sit fit this morning then to hairdresser, I think it’s a bit short but it will grow 🤣. Early night for me tonight . I’m so tired. Going for dinner with DS1 and family tomorrow which will be nice.

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Wyllow3 I'm interested in the hearing aids you say help with Tinnitus - having had Tinnitus every minute of every day since 2007(I think), I'd try anything if it helped. You've had a very productive day again. You get some good bargains!

SweetpeaSue She's got a lot of form for having pets (cats, gerbils, snakes, rabbits) and not bothering to care for them properly. We ended up with several when the GDs were younger. I read that horrible thing about the cat torture, too. It's sickening. Aww, the teddy is sweet. It's kind of you to get it for a child who's not related to you. The wind chimes are so pretty (I don't like the noise).

Has everyone else been ok? EllieAnne Are you at home now? I heard on the news that many people in Scotland are without electricity.

Doodle Glad you're going to have dinner with your son and family tomorrow. It's such a blessing to have family and those who know our loved one's well ,and in your case can share happy memories with.
Of course it isn't the same to lose a parent as it is your other half. I say this without knowing the experience myself of losing DH but I think I understand. Our adult life is all about our other half and children and we share that life , hopefully, for a long long time. Our other half is our loved one that we share far more intimacies - I'm so sorry Doodle. So glad you have the company of others who * really* understand.
Your hair will grow quickly !
HVDY Oh you saw that news too. Disgusting and positively evil.
Ha- the wind chimes - particularly vocal yesterday and DH is like yourself and tied an elastic band around the chimes.😂

Doodle Thank you. On the contrary, the girls are really mature with LG. The mother is a moron. The cats is apparently ok (GD1 giving me updates) and only had the one kitten. I love the fresh feeling of having my hair cut (can hardly wait to get mine done on Friday). Glad you're seeing your son and his family tomorrow. Sleep well.

Off to bed soon - got to get Jaffa in. He's been a pain today - the sound of anything rustling (sweet wrapper, tinfoil, even an envelope) and he's followed me around, thinking it was some Dreamies! He's had a lot today. Hope ALL BDers rest well tonight x

I will be going home today as long as he remembers to come down. It’s been boring and I haven’t slept well. I’ve done a bit of cleaning and tidying but have to be careful because she gets annoyed.
I’m quite upset. The friend who is meant to be organising the food for my friends funeral now says she might have to go away as her b in L is seriously ill I had said I would help but not be in charge because it is not my church so I can’t go in and take over. I don’t think she is pleased. She’s a bossy person.But it’s a small church and very few of the members are willing to help. Wish I’d never offered to help now.

EllieAnne No wonder you haven't slept well there. It seems like no one is very appreciative of your huge efforts - I'm so sorry. You are right to say you don't want to be in charge of everything at the funeral - you are helping out after all. You have lost a very dear friend and that must hurt so much. Stand up for yourself - you are a valuable person and you were there for your friend through thick and thin and through very hard times . Your friend must have been so thankful to have you in her many hours of need throughout her darkest times. You have been there at times when you were afraid yourself. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others EllieAnne.
I wish you could see yourself as a beautiful person , inside and out, because that is what you are .
Take care of yourself and you've done a great job by going down to your Daughter's. Lots of love. EllieAnne. X

Kind words sweet pea sue. Hoping to get on the road early afternoon.
By the way my sweet peas were all Coming out before I left home. I hope they are still blooming.
Today is my birthday. 75 how did that happen?

Ellie Anne. Many happy returns. Hope you get home safely and have some time to relax by yourself. 🎂
Is there someone else at the church you could ask to help you with the food?
In a dash to get to church so back later.

Happy Birthday EllieAnne 🎂 🎈🎊
I so hope there are lots of Sweetpeas to greet you when you get home. Pick a large bunch and put them where you can see them.x

Doodle I don’t really know the people in her church but I know they are not very willing to help with practical stuff. They seem to think it all just happens.
My church is not like that. People always rally around and help if there is a need. If you know the bible at all they all want to be Mary when sometimes we need Marthas.

Happy birthday, EllieAnne. Get yourself something nice. Have a drink when you get back home. Your friend must have been so glad of your help, especially when she was having all the problems with her son. Please don't get too involved with doing the food for her funeral. You offered to help with it but don't let anyone try to bully you into doing too much.

I've just done aqua aerobics and feel better for it. I messaged GD2 (she's 10), asked how she is and how her cat is - it had another kitten last night, a 2nd one, also dead. It's made me really angry 9and sad) that it could have been avoided - if only the selfish GD mum had had the cat speyed. Back later. x

Hello all.
I was in a state last night cause of piling it on. I realised it was a real danger (it’s how I crashed last time)
Fortunately I had a clear day due to a cancellation and just had my carer coming. Took some extracting me from the ‘needing doing’ details… mostly clothes from charity shops just needing little bits of stitching or ironing.. late last night I’d got them lined up but then my brain says ‘I’ll “just” do this or that”.

We went up to my favorite high place and just sat in the sun, me trying to only natter about key issues not ‘chaper and verse’.

Then on the way home I realised I didn’t want to go home so I am sitting in a cafe realizing that I have to walk quite a bit home but probably it will be good.

I’ve missed commenting on so much but of corded have read all. I’ll be back in later, but of course I’m joining all in wishing Ellie Anne the best day you can possibly have.

I might have missed it, Sweetpeasue it what did the trainee Psychologist say? I hope you are able to get help.

HVDY I’m just so impressed how you are helping in the GD situation and also get on with your very rich life. Hats off.

I hope it’s a warm loving meeting today at church Doodle or is it task based?

Must heave ho home now and planning to avoid details, no Just this’ or ‘just that’s”. ?

HVDY Aw that poor cat ,can understand your disgust , she sounds so irresponsible. You are good keeping up with the aqua-aerobics.
Wyllow Please do be careful ,we don't want you back to how you were. It's like you are wanting to catch up on the last 2 yrs and make up for it. I hadn't realised until you said it the other day- 2yrs is a terribly long time for you to be so ill like that. Hope you managed the walk home OK and yes- no " just this or thats".
Trainee psychologist called this morning and have an appt with her next Friday.

I'm feeling completely worn out ,body and mind. Awake the whole night then back to bed at 5-30 and still couldn't sleep. When didn't get call from MH by 11am went back to bed and slept couple of hrs.
Hope everyone has had a decent day.xx