BLACK DOG 26

Sweetpeasue wishing you well with the phone call to your son. I’m sure he’ll be there for you. In my experience, families unite during difficult times and I’m sure he will understand your distress. Good luck.
Doodle sending a hug for you today.

Busy day for me (surprise surprise). Gym, then going to watch GS play in a football tournament about 40 miles away, then meeting a friend for dinner.

Wishing everyone the best day possible xx

Wyllow3 Glad all went well with the roof. You're doing so well with everything now. Great that you're fully "back in the fold" with your family again.

Candy6 Glad your meal was ok. What a shame about the potatoes - I'd have picked them up and served them without telling anyone.

SweetpeaSue Your husband has been neglected badly by doctors. It's only because of your persistence that things are going to be done now. I hope your call to your son goes well. Like you, I haven't got a clue about cars - I suppose it's sensible to know a few things.

EllieAnne Do whatever you're comfortable with. If being out with the others makes you feel ill at ease, don't go. Start pleasing yourself, not what pleases others.

A lazy day today - I can't be bothered with much. Thinking of ALL BDers x

Morning all.
SweetPeaSue- I wish you could cough up that lump of fear- could you maybe try and talk with your sisters today. You need to share your feelings and they love you and would want to help.Of course too your Sons love you but your mind is in a spiral of despair at the moment.
I hope you,ve been able to speak with your Son- he will want to know how his Dad and you are. He can’t help if he doesn’t know. Bottling it all up is hurting you so much- please vent on here with us if it helps.we all care very much for you.
HVDY- misspent youth eh!!
Your SGD will enjoy a shopping spree- so glad she has you and you her. Well you did ask for a call but that was a bit too early!! Did Jaffa wake up too?
We are going to meet our new grandcat tomorrow- can’t wait. She is bound to love DH - he’s a cat whisperer . Not many moggies he can’t get round.
That park you went to sounded great . Your city is really good for places to go isn’t it.
EllieAnne- your garden is very pretty- and has survived the wall collapse wonderfully. You have green fingers I think.
I agree with HVDY- do what makes you feel comfortable with regards to your friend. Your idea of a card and flowers is a lovely alternative. Yes it is time you started to be kinder to yourself and not be so bothered what people think . Half the time they are not thinking anything and are too wrapped up in them selves.
You’re a lovely lady and deserve some better times.
Candy- Mossies are my poison!! Twice on foreign holidays I,ve ended up at the Docs with horrible big old blisters that have to be popped. TMI.
Oh dear flying roast potatoes - I think I,d have scooped them up too.
Hope,GS team does well,on the tournament. Great to be able to go,and watch . Then no dinner to cook- what a good day!!
Wyllow- lovely photos of a beautiful day. Just reading your words makes me feel so happy for you. To know you are loved
Is the best feeling.i,m sure yourDS went home very contented . Being able to chat to DiL and feel part of her life too is a lovely gift.
Wow you sorted those builders!! It sounded like they were a good bunch of lads though and did a good job. Plus you have a clean car.
Your weekend brought you much joy and knowing you feel part of a loving family is the best news ever.
Doodle- Ah today is a hard one for you- but it will be a bit easier to have the company of your BiL. You will have lots,to reminisce about. Hope you enjoy your lunch together.
Yesterday was a hard one . I spent the afternoon with my friend. It’s the first time I,ve seen her since diagnosis cos we were away. She is such a tiny person and looks even tinier now and so vulnerable. But she is dealing with it very bravely. We had a nice few hours chat though as we have 37 yrs of friendship so she could open up about her real feelings.
Also yesterday my friend of many years ( not the one with her and DH both Alzheimer’s) who has dementia had a cancer Op yesterday - it never rains!!!!
It’s the helpless feeling isn’t it when people are poorly - they are my 3 best friends.
Thinking of you today.

This afternoon I am going to the eye clinic to see about one of my cataracts- non stop fun 😀
Sending love to allxx

all the very very best with your cataracts, Scardeycat - and I hope you can get them sorted soon if need be x

Thank you for all you've said about me, perceptive and true - today is a relief ..after sorting the last blip from yesterday's roofer stuff (a nice finish to the top, not a bland bar, I googled what was possible that they weren't letting on, that it could be offered after all in metal, and they will do it (he he).

I've had a nice coffee meet up and am having an ordinary at home day oh the relief as long as I am good and stick to "dont do that today, Wyllow!!!

(so been printing out Gaza posters, sorry to bring politics in but its a pretty universal feeling)

And shortly going to curl up catching up on sewing Bee.

Very wise words from Scaredeycat, Sweetpeasue, she always puts it better than me. I go "please do THIS" but Scaredeycat says why 🥲

Thankyou to you all for caring and such kindness.
I'll contact son1 after dinner .
Had an IBS flare today so not been out.
Such tiredness and tummy swollen ect.
DH had notice from NHS referral to Newcastle that GP referred to before we went private. Appt( Urgent) not till very end of October. Just as well we went private.

EllieAnne I'm with the others here that it should be your own choice whether or not you want to go out with those friends.
Wyllow I appreciate your words and support. Everyone has their own ways and words.
HVDY Hope your day has been OK. Yes, the Dr's have neglected DH - maybe I should have been more assertive but I certainly tried- tbh if I'd been any more assertive with younger GP it may have come over as aggressive.
Doodle Hope you've had a better day today. Think of you often.
Scardycat You are always gentle, kind and humorous. Thanks for taking time for us all in your posts.
Candy Hope you enjoyed the football game and your DGS was OK.

Just had phone call with son. I think he was glad to catch up. He has such a busy job.

Thinking of Nadateturbe too and sending love to all.

Thank you Sweetpeasue I had a nice day with Dh s brother and his wife. Nice meal and coffee by the river.
Please tell your family about your Dh. This is what happened to me.
I once didn’t tell our sons that I had a heart problem and neede a pacemaker urgently, One was about to go on holiday the other having a stressful time at work. After the op I told them. They were very cross with me. They said if anything had happened to me and they didn’t know what was going on they would never forgive me. Also I denied them the opportunity to support their dad. They were of course quite correct and I promised I would never do that again and I didn’t.
HVDY what a lovely day the girls had with you yesterday. No wonder you’re tired today.
Wyllow what a performance with your roof but all managed well with your guidance and help. It’s amazing you’ve got back so much strength and better still the confidence. So pleased you are now in contact with your family and enjoying being back in the fold as it were.
Scaredycat I am so sorry about your best friends. It must feel like one thing after the other for you. Your friend must have appreciated the chance to talk to you, being with someone you know well is such a help. Sending a hug for you because supporting people is very emotional. Hope the cataract appointment goes well.
Ellie Anne I agree with the others that a card and flowers would be nice. Obviously do what you feel comfortable with but you said “they want you to come” . Sometimes when we are hurt by someone they have no idea we’re upset. Could this be the case here and they would just like to see you again. Presumably they could have made plans without including you at all. Could you ask your church friend who is going and make your decision then? Do what’s right for you.
Candy your tale of the roast potatoes made me laugh. I’m afraid I would have just dusted them off and eaten them. Nothing would put me off eating roasties. 🤣

Doodle Yes I remember that occasion - and you must have needed support so much . When I think of what you must have gone through and how ill you must have felt needing the pacemaker .. you were very brave ,though your head must have been so overwhelmed with what was going on with your DHs health. Also , can understand the difficulty of making that decision under the circumstances of son going on holiday and the stress other son was having. You are right- sometimes we need each other in difficult times.

I think my post was a bit unclear. My friend and her dh want me to come. The others who I think will be invited seem totally unaware of the hurt they have caused. All day I’ve been going then not going.and can’t decide. It’s not often I get invited to things because they are usually for couples.
I’ll have to decide soon.

ScaredyCat I don't know about misspent youth - my parents allowed me a lot of freedoms, and I had a great time . Oh, a new GrandCat, lovely. Will you post any pictures for us? Your friends all seem to be having a rough time. Some people have a lot to deal with, don't they? Hope you got on ok with the check-up about your cataracts.

SweetpeaSue Hope your tum has settled now. Now your son knows the situation, and he will understand your worries.

Doodle Not tired today, it was just a "nothing" day, so I lazed about at home. Glad you had a nice time with your BIL and his wife.

DH has been out with Son1 this evening (home soon), so Jaffa and I had the heating on for an hour! Yes, it was cold. He's been sitting in LG's wendy house . Hope everyone has a restful night x

its the way of things isn't it atm Sweetpeasue if we are fortunate in having the resources sometimes necessary to go private. Good choice. And I'm glad you phoned.

I hope you manage a "yes", Ellie Anne.. be brave...you never know x

Now there a life lesson I'm so glad you learnt, Doodle. I think now I'd have the courage to do the same, and not think, "oh I shouldn't bother them".

I've had the heating on too, HVDY. I was so tried today, after seeing a friend for a good old natter things Quaker..that was supposed to be "it" for the day

Then I had a mini shock when a £119 "big impact" plant from Dobies was failing, yellow at the tops and brown edges (a big Cotinus bush, up to to the top of my legs.

I sent a photo and asked for money back...

....then my CPN rung and said I can have a change in worker..by then..

....having got a big load of washing out, printed out loads of posters out for Gaza for friends and family to pin up, (just about cease fire and starving)

.....was exhausted and slept for over 2 hours so now watching a bit of TV ..first time in ages...and a clear week ahead.

Good Night to all BD's writing, reading, popping in and "regulars"

Photo is of the Lemon Shark aka L

Sadly this morning I did wake up in a bad low, not so bad I cant cope tho. It's a pattern of mine after good things have happened to crash, but specifically it was yet another wave of sorrow about Ex.

He hasn't replied to my letter, (maybe that not the point), it's coping with these waves of grief about the good times and what was lost. I adored him from the beginning, my commitment never wavered:

even to the point where I was helping him in that terrible year I was divorcing him, (I didn't let fly and defend myself much as I needed to get the divorce through) I got constant verbal and threatening abuse as did my DiL

(She'd stopped him seeing the grandchildren, which is poignant since they really loved him, he was at his genuine best when we went to see them, a little bit of child came out in him)

These attacks occasionally alternating with bizarre manipulative WhatSapps praising me to the roof when things went his way because I'd helped him on occasion..

This, he never thanked me for - he would never have got the supported flat - its a nice one in a quiet bit of an estate, with lovely views.....

....without one crucial intervention one night: he wrote me he was thinking of suicide and I contacted the MH crisis team immediately late Saturday night and made them give me a supposedly private email address (on the grounds I was well respected within the MH system myself and could be trusted) so they could read it for themselves...he was in a hostel and in 2 weeks got the flat.

I shall never know how much of his response to many things was "real" and how much of the constant and effective attempts to control, born out of, I surmise, insecurity. but that is a reason, not an excuse.

Even tho I remind myself how he gaslighted and controlled me its the understanding of his MH condition that make compassion win and anger/loss stay within bounds.

Sorry for the essay - I needed to vent xx

Thankfully I am seeing carer 2 today, J: she's a very kind and friendly down to earth person, and will definitely ameliorate my feelings. She actually left an abusive marriage herself, tho some considerable time ago, so really understands.

We were going to go out on a lovely countryside but it's been raining on and off! It's probably still the best thing to do, chat along the way, as long as she has her rain stuff and its light drizzle.

How are BD's today? How is your day? Are gardening fans glad for your garden with the rain too?

The cobwebs were blown away by the wind, not a lot of sun and a lot of chatter, but its still sadness underneath "we used to come here"..

I guess I'll get used to it, which is far, far better than trying to avoid pain, which is what I did before, and made me so ill for so many years - not able to cope with loss big or small. A family trait, actually.

All the time, its constant, something missing, however good my own experiences are - its that close "other" that you come home to and comes home for you, hugs, the everyday and so on.

However lovely friends are, it's not the same - well, for me.

But I forget: people are different

I think there are people and I've seen it from some posters

The want and indeed need to be "sufficient unto themselves"

Or of course, a faith can satisfy as "an other", But spirits don't hug you in the same way as a good partner does.

Sh, there's the point - this idealistic desire only works when its a good enough partnership or marriage.

Hi all

Wyllow- I have to have both cataracts done . Booked in for October for the first one then 6 weeks later for the other one.
Love the photo of Shark and DGD- what a lovely smiley face she has.
What a shame a low crept up on you this morning. With your in depth understanding of the reasons for it you,ll be able to come to terms. Being able to vent on here is what BD is all about . I think you half wanted a reply from Ex and so feel a bit deflated . You know that you helped him get his accommodation sorted even though you suffered abuse after abuse. No one could have done more. You,ll never know how his mind worked- he was and is a very mixed up and manipulative person . Stay strong Wyllow. Your life is starting anew with the love of your family, your carers , your Quaker friends and the Gym and your friends here.
Hope you got out and ignored the weather - enjoy the rain on your face and the lovely views and the company of your special carer.
SweetPeaSue- you could not have tried harder for your DH. Such wise advice from Doodle- your Sons need to be able to help you and give you support.
Sorry your tum has been upset- stress exacerbates so many physical feelings as well as mental.
So glad you,ve spoken with your Son. Despite his busy job he will need to be included in your DH journey.
Care for yourself tooxx
Doodle- glad you had a nice lunch with your BiL and wife. So nice to have the river to sit by and eat.
Your advice for SPS was so touching as well as so relevant for her.
Thank you yes my friend was glad to be able to say exactly how she felt without having to sugar coat it.
Next week we are visiting our 2 friends who are in the care home. We are going with her Brother and SiL to give them some support. We,ve known them as long as our friends and will have lunch together first. Things have become very traumatic and upsetting for them in the last 2 weeks.
I expect you,ve been to Church this morning so hope it’s been a pleasant one.
EllieAnne- you,ll make the right decision I,m sure.perhaps you need to weigh up what means more to you.Seeing your good friends who want you there or not seeing the other people who seem oblivious to your hurt.
HVDY- yes life was freer then wasn’t it- not so unkind as it seems now. I got the bus to school in the city when I was 9!
Yes I,ll send a photo of the little cat - we,ve got her a little pink soft puffer fish to play with. Although she,ll probably like a screwed up ball of paper better!!
Can’t believe you had the heating on and it was actually cold- Jaffa is a lucky boy.
Must admit my friends troubles are my troubles too at the moment as I ,m finding it hard not to think about them constantly.
Nadateturbe- hope you’re having as good a day as possible.

Love to all- those mentioned and absent friends.

Wyllow3 Lovely pic of your GD. I love her hair colour. Is it long? You had a busy day again yesterday. I hope the low you felt this morning has gone a bit. You did so much for your ex, helped him when he needed it, even though he was manipulative and messed up. You're doing so well now, back in touch with your family and Quakers, etc. Hope you had a good day with your carer.

ScaredyCat Things were simpler years ago - when I was about 8, my brother (the 3rd one) was about 12, we used to stay with our Granny (Mum's mum) in Barnes, and we'd leave her at home doing the housework whilst we got the tube to Picadilly, went around the shops, or we'd feed the pigeons in Trafalgar Square. No way of her or our parents (back in Nottingham) knowing where we were in those days - but it seemed to be the norm to have so much freedom. Glad you're going to get your cataracts seen to. It'll make a big difference to your sight. The GrandCat will love having some toys. Jaffa's got lots. He went out for 10mins in the garden last night (in the rain), and brought a dead mouse (or small rat?), then ate most of it. He left the head and back legs. Dirty boy.

Aqua aerobics, brunch, hoovering, then got my nails done. The sun has just come out. Hope everyone's been ok x

I'm glad you are having the cataracts done, Scardeycat. All being well, it could be a real boost. How do you feel about it?

I'm so sad for your friends, and those who love them. Its a lottery, isnt it, later life - and they drew the very short straw.

Your feedback on what I wrote is very spot on. I feel it just be difficult for you Doodle, as I am writing about a man who is, after all still alive, tho had been horrible to me at points.. I am truly sorry of its upsetting x

Yes, I got a good breath of fresh air, here is a photo from the turning point in the walk, it was a shame we had to hurry back but of course its a two hour slot but we strode out for a bit over an hour, and its challenging underfoot. It being dull meant we actually got in the car park but it was bracing and fresh. When I got back I went to Costa for a long sit then Sainsbugs to lurk around the 70% off clothes and the little "all cut price drastically" shelves and collected my spare glasses.

Her hair is so very pretty, HVDY, that chestnut brown and yes it is long. She was so pretty when little - her sight was viable before a major seizure in covid times - its partly now of course she usually shuts her eyes as whats the point when she is using her other senses to take in the world (unless she is very close to he big TV or her children's I pad - like 6 inches.

That's a full and satisfying day there - you can send me some sun is all. I really want to do aqua soon myslef, I know it's right up my street.

I'm wondering how you are doing our other posters, looking forward to yo coming in if its right for you.

Scaredycat You are surrounded with so much sadness lately ,with your friends and their awful conditions and illnesses. So sorry, it must be very hard for you when you feel so helpless. I know your company will help them but so difficult for you. Glad you are getting a furry friend to snuggle.
HVDY You have been busy with aqua-aerobics and housework. You will have made friends at the exercise class - hope your brunch was nice. Uugh! Naughty Jaffa- I know it's their instinct but it must be awful to see their offerings. Been much colder here too.
* EllieAnne* I hope whatever decision you make you don't have regrets. Sometimes there is no 'right' decision and I've found the more I think about things the worse I am deciding. There will always be pluses and minuses whichever you choose.
* Wyllow* Your DGD looks a lovely happy soul . What beautiful hair she has and I think the Shark was definitely appreciated.
Sorry about your low start to the day. I think you're bound to wonder how your ex felt about the letter. Not all times with him were bad. I can see you are feeling lonely for that special person in your life ( not meaning ex) just to be there for you. You never know what's, or who is around the corner. The view on your walk is stunning . What a long walk it was too. Weather been very dull and drizzly here at times.
Doodle Hoping your day has seen you with happy moments and company to cheer you. Sending ❤️.

Fluffball today and a tiny stroll nr a stream in a nearby village, after a Costa coffee.
Back for the MH worker and she listened to me pouring out everything happening with DH and how I feel so many things playing out again. Many reassurances from her that things that have happened not my fault. Can only do so much. Probably will never feel that I have done enough though. She's calling me in a month and I can call them whenever. Nothing she can * do* though. She said I might feel I can put a complaint in when things are better and I'm not as stressed. I mean about Vascular consultant not treating DH but can't think it will help really.

Hoping everyone is ok and love to all and those not personally mentioned.xx

.

Ellie Anne if your friend and her husband want you to go it’s worth considering but will it all be couples. If you’d feel uncomfortable then don’t go.
HVDY it has become chilly hasn’t it. Nice to have a lazy day now and then. I’ve been out a lot recently and need to knuckle down to some admin work.
Aqua aerobics and having your nails done sounds good. Are we going to have a picture. I know you’ve had some stylish nails before.
Scaredycat it’s nice of you to support your friends. Visiting loved ones in the care home can be so upsetting and emotional. It’s awful seeing people you know and love not having the same capabilities they once had also if they’re confused or unhappy.
Yes church this morning and as usual comforting and nice chat with others. Hope your cataract ops go well. DH had both of his done and was very pleased with the result.
Wyllow what a lovely photo of your DGd and what a lovely smile. Pretty hair too. She obviously loves her shark.
I can understand you loved your Ex a lot Wyllow despite the way he treated you. You will of course have happy memories of the good times too. A difficult situation for you and one I can empathise with without being able to fully understand. Just like losing the love of your life is something that only those who have been through it can understand. We have to cope as best we can and you are trying your best to do that.
Sweetpeasue how did you get on with contacting your son. Hope he will be supportive as you need someone to turn to.
How’s your day been today?

New grand cat

You write so well and poignantly about your dear DH, Doodle, that I am sure we understand as much as is possible for us - my heart goes out to you is all and always. Your church never ceases to make me glad how warm and supportive a place it is, the people there - it matters so very much

Sweeetpeasue - do you feel better for seeing the worker, especially knowing you can ring any time? For a great deal of support is actually on offer there which could strengthen you in supporting DH.

Her feeding back "Probably will never feel that I have done enough though" does rung true?

I'm so glad tho you had a little stroll and a Costa. All good stuff.
(I like Costa and have a "regular")

I've WhatsApp 'd 3 different workers for different jobs. Not excessive - because when they actually respond, and can actually do the job, is all spread out. That bit is up to me after all.

New grandcat

Doodle Thanks. Son 1 lives a 2hr drive away. He has a busy job with late hrs and I'm not really sure he understands the seriousness. Not a lot he can do to support really. Son 2 , when he's home( he works 3weeks away and 4 weeks home) is going to be more accessible but he has his wife's mum quite ill too.
Scaredycat What a very handsome cat. He/she is beautiful. What will you call her/ him?
Wyllow Yes, it was a help to ' get it all out' though she's very young and I don't really see what she can do. Though a listening ear counts for so much.

Wyllow3 What a beautiful view. Glad you had a walk and fresh air (I really ought to do that more often).
SweetpeaSue Did you feel any better for getting things off your chest to the MH worker? As for writing a letter of complaint to
someone, I did that, to a Consultant at Coventry hospital. It got me nowhere, but I did get a reply. The error made by Nottingham City hospital (wrong drug causing my BP to go to 350 over something) was investigated by an independent person - again, it got me nowhere as they said that hadn't caused my stroke-but I'd been heard and my feelings had been acknowledged.
ScaredyCat What a pretty kitty . What's his/her name?
Doodle Glad you had some company again today. Had my nails cut really short (more practical)

Hope everyone has a restful night x

What asweet kitty, Scardeycat.

I was thinking of going to aqua tomorrow, HVDY, we'll see if I do. Love the nails.

"Though a listening ear counts for so much" - oh, so agree, Sweetpeasue

Night night, all BD's.