BLACK DOG 26

Sweetpeasue glad the results have finally been found. I do think your GP surgery leaves a lot to be desired. Hope you get the results soon before your DH’s appointment.
HVDY my DH didn’t cook or iron. He did lots of other things though that I’m trying to cope with too. I was always the cook., not a good one.
Seems you have to wait a long time to see a specialist these days. Good you don’t have any problems.
Wyllow I watched the Thursday Murder club too. Nice gentle film with good cast. How did you leave things with Mr Costa.? Was he going to contact you?
I’m sorry you had such an awful letter from your Ex. I think your reply is good and I’m hoping you can leave it at that. I fear he’s going to hurt you all over again.
Scaredycat hope you’ve had a good day. I bought a new waterproof jacket (my old one being far too tight) found out after I’d picked it up that it was in the sale with £30 off. Bargain.

Of course you cant stop worrying abut it, Sweetpeasue, it's only natural, the best thing is what you are doing -carry on doing ordinary things - like the knitting, little treats of fresh air - as much as possible until the day arrives. How is DH coping?

Ellie Anne if only those ladies knew the reality, huh? If I knew them well - which I'm guessing you don't - I'd tell them. Do you know them well enough?
Envy is a terrible thing, and something I find one of the hardest things to deal with. I would "tell them and be damned" - but only if I wanted them as friends - up to you to decide.

Nice bargain there, Doodle. And great to be comfy on your new coat. I too had to chuck my old much loved red waterproof because of size increase and bought a lovely one from Next - full price I admit but perfect, and very pretty.
Great you enjoyed the Murder club too - I have the other half to watch soon tonight.

Things are completely up in the air with MrCosta. a week ago today... it was intense, so much in common emotionally and musically and perception wise - but, I have to add, very different backgrounds. ..but ended up him laying me a love song he had it turned out written himself - he did warn me 'I'm a flight risk" -

But as I drove away from Costa I must admit I thought I'd had enough of men who f'ing mess me around

I have so many good things happening as in new friends and family reconnected - I've posted a pic that I have blanked out the face of little L going to big school today with her sharks (you can see Lemon shark who is her protector?, and soft cuddly shark who is her comfort.

I know why - instead of "giving advice" I had actually asked questions, listened properly, not slagged him off, seeing his POV too, being blunt about intimacy and so on.

And the blessing of new Costa friends, picking up with friends at the gym, Quaker bonds growing stronger and so on I have a lot to be grateful for. But it will hurt but `I have such strong support, and it has gifted me confidence - I am, after all, 17 years older, tho for all I know that was the sticking point. Its always the not knowing rather than the truth that is hard.

Whats that rolling Stone song say "You cant always get what you want, but you might get what you need?"

Hoping Scardeycat and other absent black dogs are OK tonight.

Lemon sharks

Wyllow You have come on leaps and bounds and your confidence as you say, has grown . If Mr C is backing off some- yes , it's bound to hurt , especially when you shared / talked about intense experieces. Then there was the poor lady falling and getting emergency help - all seemed to enable a strong connection between you and Mr C, aswell as Costa staff.
Just keep going about your own life and taking pleasure in what you love to do. You've come so far. You need to look after yourself.
What a lovy photo - your DGD looks so pleased with her sharks. Like the idea of giving sharks the protection and comfort roles.

Got up late. Feeling low about DH and no support from GPs - ie having to seek private help ourselves - which will be limited once we're handed over to NHS.
Arranged to meet that lady I met before from book group , in Costa this afternoon.
Sunny day - hope all have a nice one.

I hope its a good time with your new friend, Sweetpeasue..you've started collecting - I tend to rush into these things, but hopefully the joy of friendship has started.

As MrC warned "I'm a flight risk" but he didn't warn me he was apparently "cut someone off totally"

Having just replied also to Ex's often abusive letter (not all by any means, credit where its due)

I'm inclined to hunt more slowly as regards men 🤨

(I went to bed feeling bad loss - I awoke determined but tired).

Wyllow Thanks . The lady is not exactly 'new' as she's in book group and we were in touch a little during my low MH but getting to know each other a little.
Now you've replied to ex's letter hopefully you will be able to 'draw a line' under that soon . Glad you woke in determined mode.

When we saw Vascular Consultant in Harrogate he said a scan appt might take a month . We've now got letter to say an up to date blood test is needed before they can give him scan appt! Honestly , if we'd known it could have been done. Now DH has to get appt for blood test to send to York hospital before scan. ( then of course, scan rests, then an appt for op to clear arteries) It's taking forever , we're both so low . 😡

Woke determined but wanting to cry my heart out, until I put music on, went out into the garden and planted seeds by accident and found this

www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAzZH6wccew

river, birdsong, top happy background to relax.

No need to buy flowers

Wyllow3 Your ex doesn't appear to have changed, and perhaps never will. No point in making yourself unhappy by hoping for answers or closure. The day centre (I call it that, they call it a lunch club) has a different theme for the quizzes each week. This week's was beer, so the main quiz was general knowledge. Some weeks it's been chocolate, America, travel, or something else. I'm ok with biology, music, food, and animals.

EllieAnne Your widowed friends probably had happy marriages and wonder why you feel so lonely. They don't understand how you feel. Couldn't you still enjoy their company?

SweetpeaSue Hope you meet your friend today. You need something nice to look forward to and to take your mind off things for a while. The communication between the various departments seems to be poor. Not long until the appointment on Tuesday. Can your husband get a blood test before then?

Wyllow3 Your GD looks lovely, and has got her sharks for company . How did her 1st day at big school go? Things were, by your own admission, getting a bit too fast between you and Mr Costa. Perhaps he realises that and is cooling off a bit. Possibly, he doesn't want a relationship but a friendship or something casual?

Little Girl was here, 8 - 1.30. We'd missed her and it was lovely to have her. After breakfast, we went to a soft play place, then a shop, then back for lunch. She's adorable. I'm off to aqua aerobics now, back later x

Hi all
Wyllow- I think it’s time you gave up on your Ex. You have done your best and he still has the power to hurt you and is not afraid to do so. You ,re right you need anyone who gives you hassle- so many doors are opening for you now.Dont waste tears on ‘ what might have beens’ you ar3 in a much better place now and as you have discovered every day there are unexpected small delights.
Ah littleL off to big school with her sharks- she is a brave soul.
Lovely flowers. Daisies are my favourite flowers- so simple but so happy looking.
HVDY- what a good lunch at the Day Centre.
Your awful brush with Covid left you with some nasty after effects. You have a fantastically positive attitude to your health problems- such an example of quiet bravery.
Hope the rain has stopped today- we need it drastically but it’s such a pain to go out in.
SweetPeaSue- Oh everything gets so complicated for you both just as things were looking up.Hopefully next week things will be clearer.
Glad you have a possible nice friendship growing. It,ll be good to sit and have a chat together. You need a friend to share things with.
EllieAnne- I hope you did see your friends today. Getting out in company is important. Maybe they do think as you say- but maybe they don’t. Pretending is exhausting just be yourself. That is a really kind person - your friends DD must be so glad of your help.
Doodle- yes that film is so good as you and Wyllow say. Those ensemble casts are full of such good actors aren’t they. We watched it the other evening. How nice it is to see actresses who have aged so gracefully.
Good purchase with the rain jacket. How do those jackets get so small. Mine has too!!
Last couple of days We have been helping a dear friend who is very ill and has just learnt her DH is very poorly too. Life is being so cruel to many of our friends at the moment.

Love to all - missing so many we haven’t heard from lately.

Yes I did meet my friends today. One is very sympathetic. She was married over 50 years to a not very nice man . He didn’t always treat her well and was generally disliked but since he died she makes out he was wonderful!
The other is not a very empathetic person but as soon as she needs help it’s me she phoned. They are what they are and mostly I just accept it.
At the hairdresser now and she is running late and taking ages as always. But I m used to it so it is ok.

ScaredyCat Oh, I'm not brave, I've just always tried to get on with things. People who don't know me very well don't know I had a stroke, as I haven't got the typical droppings associated with it (mine was a bilateral one, quite rare), and my speech has been unaffected. Some of your friends are going through rough times. You're a kind person and a good friend.

EllieAnne What have you had done to your hair? I keep thinking about colouring mine (it's white), but I remember what a hassle it was when I used to have to keep doing my roots. What's the weather like there?

Did aqua aerobics. There were 30 of us. I like it but ache afterwards for a while. I probably need to go most days x

ScaredtCat not droppings! I meant droopiness

Wyllow The birdsong and running water sounds are quite relaxing . Being out in nature is often the best medicine , sometimes we just need the extra motivation to get there. Your flowers are lovely, nice display- are they from your garden?
EllieAnne I'm glad you got out with some friends today. The sympathetic one sounds like a nice one. Hope you like your hair style.
Scaredycat Caring of you to help your ill friend . That's a double whammy for her to have her DH getting poorly too. Life can be so hard - you must feel so sad at seeing their situation. Ageing is certainly ' not for sissies'.
HVDY Children can be so amusing and charming and LG can weave her own magic on you both. Glad you had such a nice time with her. You really are brave ( as Scaredycat says) You have had a lot to deal with medically and you seem so positive about things. I wish I could feel the same. Oh, that blood test was requested by York hospital so as he can have the scan on arteries that have plaque in them( It's for Vascular op) The Vascular consultant said the scan would be about 4 weeks( that was 5 weeks ago) Tuesday appt is with Cardiologist.
Hope your aches aren't too bad this time.
Nadateturbe Thinking of you as always and sending love.

Ot was good to have the chat with friend. We chatted 1and half hrs.
DH couldn't get blood test until next Saturday. The head GP we saw that made referral ,happened to be behind reception when DH went into surgery. She came out and read letter from York that DH had requesting blood test. She commented to DH that next Saturday was good. Seeing as DH is so bad ( plus all mistakes made ) it would have been better if she could have helped to fit him in sooner. He can't even get a date for the scan until after they get blood test

Sorry for long rant. I feel beside myself today. Before I went out to meet friends we had the usual howling of 3 dogs next door that sent DH into a real angry state, I had to calm him down. With letter this morning it was last straw.
I thought the teenager(17) was in with headphones on. I went round and rang doorbell. Nothing. I hammered on the door and , believe me, if anyone had been in I wouldn't be holding back.

Hope everyone has been OK and had reasonable day.

Sweetpeasue those dogs are really the last straw, aren’t they? I felt so angry when I read it. And the not being to fit in the tests first. I am used sometimes MH wise to have to ‘join up the dots’ for them and feel a mixture of ‘why should I’ and acceptance in the current climate it has to be done. With my GP I could ask them to act on my behalf.. but it’s Friday and mine are good. Sigh, and love. And rant away.

HVDY I had no idea you had suffered from Covid. So sorry what it left you with (and that I missed it). Yes.. in your situation going to Aqua frequently but not overdoing it each time really fits the bill.
I was amused at the quiz stuff, I guess for now I’m choosing that what now seems rather brave ‘disco dancing and singing group’ well will see what the free tryout is like. Great to see LG again.

Scaredycat I’m thinking, ‘this is what a lot of us will face’ once we pass the 80 mark. I don’t feel prepared for those losses either. Just sympathy and love your way. Your profound experience of loss… it’s familiar for you but no less painful. Sympathy and love. And much more, as you bring such insight to all your posts here.

I was pleased you persisted with your friends, Ellie Anne. You have a great deal of wisdom as to ‘how they are’. That means… as long as you are assertive about your needs and try and not let them squish you.. we all need our friends.

Men. Sigh. Why do I keep hoping they will understand how we get along?

Well it’s because of my first husband. He was in touch emotionally, not as much as me, but then I am very sensitive indeed. So we had emotional discussions. We went to counseling when we ran into trouble. He was honest to a fault as I am, barring our own blindnesses.

So my expectations with Ex were a complete mismatch. What I have done is reply drawing on what he said in his letter like ‘we live in different worlds” which is fair and true. His denial there was anything good I have named what was good but have just decided to photocopy some of our early travel journals where we both wrote in them and pictures too. This is not just to try and ‘prove’ but also to gift him happier memories too. We all need them. He also accused me of ‘going to his territory’when forbidden mine:

I pointed out that I’d gone to his flats as not sure of the number BUT I had asked the manager to take the letter, then gone.

But I made it clear - no meet up and have no desire to do so.

Mr Costa thoughts another day; I’m in Costa due to leaving my mobile here, thanks to a lovely lady in the tanning salon next door popping round. I had a nice sleep this afternoon. Got a HWB and curled up.

I feel blessed with DocSis: and we organized me and my brother to go down to hotel DocSis in early March.

Oh, little L adored her first day at the Big School: she is a happy soul. My greatest fear is losing her, family wise.

Chucking out time here…

Hvdy I just had the roots done and a bit chopped off. I did want to discuss it with her but she was running so late I was panicking about getting home to make dh meal.
He’s quite capable of doing that himself but if I know that I will be out I usually leave something out for him to cook.
Tom my Bo when I got back and it was quite high.I’ve thought about going somewhere else but don’t think I can face it.
Sometimes I’m such a wimp

Wyllow I think Mr Costa could do a lot worse than having you in his life. Hope he doesn’t do a runner.
Your DGD and her lemon shark. Hope he does a good job of protecting her, bless her.
Hope you got in with your new friend Sweetpeasue . I do hope you get somewhere with your DH’s health problems. Goodness knows you’ve tried hard enough to help.
HVDY. Do you take part in the quiz? Have you won anything.
Ellie Anne I think HVDY and Scaredycat are right in what she they say. Try and stay in touch with your friends you can. I also thing you should give up on your Ex he is not going to change. O
HVDY. LG is obviously loved a lot. Does she still have all that lovely hair?
Scaredycat I love those little films or series that are made with all those actors we know and love. Better than any American block buster any day.
So sorry to hear about your friend and her husband. You are a good friend to help out where you can.
Sweetpeasue I feel such outrage at your husbands treatment. What is the matter with these people. I’m sure if one of theirs was ill it would be a different matter. Yet another delay. Sending love and hugs and a hope for improvement in your situation.

Went for walk with walking group this morning the. Nice chat after. My legs really ache though. I think I’ve got arthritis . I need to do more exercise. Have a good weekend all well as best you can

Thanks Wyllow and * Doodle* for your understanding-I do appreciate it.
Im just so terrified of the lack of care and responses from our GPs and of course the Vascular fept that let DH down so we had to go private. The private consultant at Harrogate was disgusted with their report about DH not having SS ( Subclavian Steal) and said it was all nonsense. He has said inflammatory his letter back to GP that DH has got worse since then as its now including the Carotid artery.
I've said to DH tonight that we should clear out most of our savings( yes we have always been careful) to have Vascular op privately but he thinks not.
I just want my DH to be here next year-- and the year after.
If he gets proper medical help I know I can't do anything else- but he's not getting it.
Night everyone and thankyou for being here.

Sorry -in - for ' inflammatory' in previous post.

Realise I don’t make sense. Meant blood pressure high.
Wyllow my dh doesn’t understand emotions at all. Or mental health problems. Even when dd was at her worst he stuck his head in the sand and did nt talk about it at all. I don’t even try any more.

EllieAnne Im sorry your DH doesn't understand MH problems, in particular your own DDs problems. It's no wonder you feel so alone.
You must feel so let down by not being able to share your worries with your DH.
If it was myself I too would feel the same. Your sentence'I don't try anymore ' is so terribly sad but very understandable.
Love ❤️ and hugs to you.x

SweetpeaSue Oh, how inept they are at your GP surgery. The dogs would drive me mad and I'd be there to complain every other day. Not the dogs' fault, but the owners.

Wyllow3 I had Covid 4 years ago, was on a ventilator for 10 days, in an induced coma- during which time they gave me the wrong drug, sent my BP to 350 top figure. I believe that's what caused the stroke, but they investigated it all and said no, it was due to Covid. A lot of men don't understand emotions - my sons are pretty good, but DH not so much. I'm glad your GD enjoyed her day, bless her.

Doodle. Yes, I take part in all the quizzes at the day centre. Our group (usually about 6 of us) often wins some chocolates or biscuits, nothing fantastic. Hope you have a good rest. Most of us get Arthritis after a certain age, but swimming is apparently good (I can't swim properly).

EllieAnne Nice to have a trim. If she's often running late, it might be an idea to look for someone else. You're good to cook for your husband. Does he ever cook for you? I realised you meant your BP. Is it high all the time, or just when you feel a bit frazzled?

SweetpeaSue It must be difficult to know what to do for the best - spend your hard-earned money to get a quicker treatment, or keep your savings and hope your husband won't be waiting for much longer. You might need that money for something else one day.

My hips have been painful and stiff all evening - lots of kicks and jumps in aqua aerobics today, so I'm looking forward to going to bed soon. Hope everyone has a restful night x