BLACK DOG 26

Shouldn't be coming on here, I know that.
Taken Oramorph and Co- codamol to calm me as have had argument with DH.

He has always deterred me from complaints to GP surgery and our Vascular clinic. I guess it's because of what happened with myself last time I made formal complaint and everything made worse.
But I think we would have been taken more notice of and we haven't been getting anywhere by being subversive to the 'system *
Im so depressed and scared about how slow things are going, especially when I see DH deteriorating.
Can't believe how older people are being treated and how detached Dr's are from patients.
Just so disillusioned. 😔

HVDY Thanks. It's very difficult to know what to do.
Like yourself, you'd just want your DH to be there as long as possible.You understand.
Oh I hope your hips aren't too painful tomorrow. You are doing good to go to aqua-aerobics.

Ellie Anne have you asked him why he doesn't want to understand Mental Health problems?
Why just accept he wont engage on it? perhaps this very gentle challenge is worth it? His own daughter suffers and does he not love her in his own way?
It OK to be a wimp. I often am and I'm an old hand at it. Except I'd call it vulnerable.

I thought about you tonight Doodle.
I was coming home from the gym - I needed to do physical stuff after so much emotional stuff...and I thought I dont want to go home as it's lonely. then I thought, the only way round this is to think of god being there. For me its not a God as such its the light of the spirit of love. Or the struggle to feel its there.

The Lemon Shark is strong. Dont we all need both the solid lemon shark and the soft cuddly Lemon Shark in our lives? In her simple way, L is a teacher.

I realise your fear of losing DH is the dominating factor, Sweetpeasue. But it's DH's body. Does he know your fears HVDY is being very wise about spending the money and what you might need it for, including another health condition. Or something else that makes a great difference to your lives. Wait until after the initial appointment, then ask about time scale and the realities of "how long" first.

Thank you for explaining, HVDY. It takes determination to get though it to were you are now - going to aqua, strengthening yourself.

I think MrC would benefit greatly, Doodle, I'm at least confident enough to know that. But it's not in my hands On the first night he said our meeting was Karma. Maybe he is afraid in his own newly found vulnerability as a man. But a boy who survived at rough boarding school at 6 is at heart a stoic, noting can unseat that grit to survive.

He has seen my great fragility after I had helped elderly lady and hugged me and said remember your yoga breathing.
But I have learnt much in the journeys between depression and growth out of it. But he too is a survivor. Frustrating We both felt a real pull.

Tonight I mentally planned an addition to the letter to Ex. I said, there were good times, this is what they were. I have a box of "Ex stuff" which I got out and there it all is - the good times, the difficult times, the balance of strengths between us too, and I am going to send him copies.
I'm not having this cr** about "I showed your letter to two women and they said you were coercively abusive. See how I feel when I awake.

There was a hazy moon in the sky as I drove home (in the dark!) It made me think of how the full light is always obscured, and how we search being the veil for our truths.

Yes Wyllow will wait for initial appt next week with Cardiologist.
My fears of losing DH are rational BTW, considering how he's deteriorated.
I've been trying to persuade him to go to A&E with the chest pain/ tightness.
Sometimes he says he will when it gets bad- then it never happens .

Sorry - just despair.

Yes see how you feel tomorrow Wyllow.
Sometimes another day can make a big difference. So hard when you can't see any light . Night times are the worst by far.

I know a friend who has a little string of delicate lights in her bedroom when she cant sleep. She says they sort of stand for "light in the darkness". (I have a night light down in a corner, a faint glow, one of those plug in ones, from Sainsbugs, they last for ever).

Thanks for the tip Wyllow
Hardly slept at all and got up early.
Can't bring myself to take aunt out too today.
Looks sunny.
Hope everyone has as good a day as you can.
Love to all those in and those who haven't been in for a while.

You could consider asking for some Zopilcone or a GP alternative just to take I in 3 nights. that avoids addiction and means you know those nights you'll sleep.
www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=zopiclone&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8.
Also ring the person who said "ring in crisis"
I'm glad it looks sunny, perhaps take a coffee and just sit looking at the sea.

I woke knowing I'm made the right decision to send Ex the "proof of happiness together" but only 4 photocopies not loads.

Ring 111 if you really are close to breakdown.

It's sunny out here today. got a wash on. I dont have a line, because I hate the view of clothes impeding my garden view, but plastic hangers I take in and out of the door according to the weather, in the sun, or leaning against radiators.

Afternoon all.
EllieAnne- glad you saw your friends after all. Sounds to me that your friends just have human frailties like us all. Not many people are perfect and we love our friends despite all their foibles.
I,m sure if your DH was really hungry he could find something to eat. Just have rolls and fillings always handy - that should sort him once in a while.
Not a good idea to take your BP when you,re frazzled.
If you like your hairdresser it would be a pity to change her .
Doodle- Glad you,ve been out with the Walking group. Always nice to finish with a coffe and a chat.
Have you got good walking shoes or boots? If not maybe a more supportive pair would help your achey legs.
Hope you have a good weekend too. You have Church to look forward to tomorrow.
SweetPeaSue- I too think that to wipe out your savings at this time may be a bit premature. You may need that money for something else down the line. Because of what happened to you and is happening to DH at the moment you have lost all faith in the NHS. Not only that your Surgery sounds next to useless. But I do believe that even now when things become very serious the NHS provides excellent care. Of course you and HVDY have reason to be wary.
I agree with you about A and E . They would take chest pain very seriously especially if you go straight away when it’s really bad and scaring you.
You both need a break - even if you just sit outside in the sun.
Take care both of youx
HVDY- So nice for you to be back with LG again. You do such nice things with her. I expect she chatters away now- they are like little sponges at that age and soak up everything.
I still think you are brave .
How about having some pink hair- I can imagine you being up for that.
Aqua must be fun with all those ladies- bet there is a lot of laughter. Sorry it’s affecting your hips but perhaps if you are able to go more often your muscles will get more used to it.
Wyllow- what a lovely thought about the Spirit of Love. . I think that it is all around us if we let it in.
Mr C might be having a good old think about things too. He enjoyed your company but as you say he is a survivor so protects himself too. Also doesn’t want to get hurt or inflict hurt either. Wait and see.
You have to,do what you want with regards to “ proof of happiness” as long as you don’t expect anything back. You have done your best.
I love seeing washing on the line and hate when we have to put it indoors again.
Nadateturbe- thinking of you.
Candy- are you at the caravan again?

I,m really feeling tired at the moment. This last week has shown the fragility of life so much. So many people I love are having the worst of times. We must enjoy the days when we can - life can change in an instant so even though things are tough there is always something we can be grateful for and feel Wyllows Spirit of Lovexx

Love to all - regulars and all visitors and readers.

What a lovely post to everyone Scaredycat.
It's hard when so many people you are close to are suffering. There is always something even a little thing to be grateful for, but it's not always easy to think like that. But we must try. And yes, as John Lennon sang All you need is Love.
Sweetpeasue sending you a big hug.
Love to Doodle EllieAnne HVDY Candy. And anyone else who like me is reading. I will try to post in a few days, after the funeral.
Wyllow3 you made me smile about the washing line.

SweetpeaSue How are you and your husband today? You'll be tired from being awake a lot. A nap might be in order.

Wyllow3 I had to force myself to do things to get myself better, or I'd have been like some of the people I used to go to when I was a Carer. I wasn't going to let that happen. I love to see washing out on a line. I've got a rotary one. It should get dry today.

ScaredyCat My hair has been various colours over the years. It's now white, but I don't like it. When I look in the mirror, I think I look like Queen Camilla (can't stand that woman). LG doesn't talk - she'll say animal sounds (Woof for dog, Quack for duck, etc), but only when she wants to. She's a lovely, happy, easy little kid. You're right about trying to enjoy days when we can. Hope you've been ok today.

Met Son1 and GD1 for lunch (he paid, which was nice), then DH and I bought some wallpaper and decorative things for the 2nd bedroom. Hope everyone is alright x

Oh HVDY you better change that hair colour ASAP. 😁

Sorry just quick post as so tired.
You're all so kind -thankyou for your caring 💕
Wyllow Don't worry Im not about to lose the plot just yet. Just very frustrated , angry trying not to find fault with myself and handling things.
Mr C is missing out on a lovely lady at present. I hope he can become a true friend if nothing more.

Scaredycat You're right of course about always being something to be thankful for. I hear you all about the expense of op ect . I just get so anxious.
You're having a hard time watching your friends in their struggles with cruel illnesses. It must be so frightening too. Such lovely posts to all.
HVDY LG is such a tonic isn't she . It's fascinating watching them grow and develop- they can be so funny too.
My hair has been all white for a long time now but I just can't let it go but it's such a hassle to keep dyeing it. Both my sisters are too. Yes, I am tired though had a bit of a nap this aft. You've really battled to get better after the stroke you should be proud of yourself.
* Nadateturbe* Aww thanks for your hugs 🫂 and sending one right back too. I hope the funeral goes as well as these things can do - you'll have to save some energy for that - do take care of yourself.
Doodle Hope you've been OK today. Thankyou for all your concern and your support. Im in awe of how you push on each day and fill your days. It can't be easy . You deserve good friends.
EllieAnne Hope you're OK.

Felt really tired all day but we went out for a few groceries, picked the rest of decent plums , not many now, then DH painted while I read and stitched.
Must get come sleep tonight.

Hope you all have a peaceful night. Thinking also of those not in. X

Doodle LG has still got a lot of wild hair. Mine was that colour at one time, the same as both sons. She's got long eyelashes, too

Evening all
I’ve had a lovely day at a local open garden. Lovely trees and walks. Nice cafe and shop. Really enjoyed it.
Sweetpeasue I’m not sure you can go private for some things. Hip replacement or standard ops but major ops are better done under the NHS. If done under private and anything goes wrong they will transfer you immediately to NHS as private don’t have the capability to cope with emergencies.
Your DH’s op should be soon. I would phone every few days till you get a date. He needs to be seen asap.
Hope you e made up with Dh now. He needs to know that you need support too. I’m not surprised you’re frustrated and stressed. Your GPs are useless. Hope your Dh gets seen soon.
Ellie Anne I’m sorry you have no one to share your worries with. Men often have a different take on things and I think women worry a lot more about things than men.
HVDY my hip and leg have been painful for a few days. I think I need to do more walking. I think mine might be muscular.
Glad you had a nice lunch with your son. A nice treat.
Wyllow for me it is God. I need the most strength and the most compassion. I need God and I need faith and I need to trust. When ever I struggle I call on psalms or passages from the Bible. .
“Trust in God for he cares for you.”
“ Come to me all you who are weary”
“Be with us all when we suffer loss and ache with the pain of grieving. Give us a glimpse of the way it will be when love will never be taken away, when life itself will not be diminish, when all that we hold most precious will live and remain with us forever”
“Be still and know that I am God”.
All these things I call on daily.
Glad your DGD has lemon shark to help her.
If your Ex won’t acknowledge that you had good times why force it on him. Whatever it is you want from him he’s not going to give it. Please don’t let him hurt you any more.
Scaredycat walking group is good. My shoes are sturdy with good soles. I think it’s just lack of exercise that’s making my legs ache. I think I need to try walking every day.
I can understand you’re tired. You have a lot going on. Worrying about people can make you tired too.
Yes church for me tomorrow. I look forward to it.
Nadateturbe hope things are getting a bit easier for you.

Doodle And "Let not your heart be troubled".
For me it is God too. If I didn't know he was with me every minute of the day and night, I don't know how I would cope. I have a favourite hymn at the minute which I play often, I Watch The Sunrise, which I find really comforting.
Glad you had a nice day. I find I need soft insoles to walk comfortably.

Your LG is gorgeous HVDY.

nadateturbe Thank you. We all think our own are great, don't we? Hope you've felt a bit better today.

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202509/medium-7ne951-img-0831-4.jpeg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202509/medium-artld2-img-0149-2.jpg

Doodle yes, love those quotes. I have on my bedroom wall the full quote (thank you nadateturbe)
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid (John 14:27) I keep meaning to go to the garden centre for a relaxing day - it's the best in the area, and just down the road.....plants growing, living, going through their own life changes....(and the coffee and scone) Just keep that debit card clutched firmly.
I have an idea that my new friend N the cleaner might like a half day out there, she lives nearby too.

I'm glad you spent the day as you both did, Sweetpeasue. Recuperative.

HVDY yes, the people you cared for, whatever reasons, some, had given up.
We cannot know, until we know the person well, why: and it's sad when they have.
I can understand why you close to fight.
I have had pink streaks from time to time, painted on myself, (bit tricky round the back but cautious so OK and that worked well - a soft pink) Whole head - yes go get it seen too. LG is a sweetie-pie.

nadateturbe I'm so glad to see you in. I wear Sketchers nearly all the time, they have both the soft insole and "bounce" in the soles. When (approx) is the funeral, I hope someone else has taken the energy needed to organise it all.
You know what they say - it's after the funeral..yet...when my sister died..it was better, because it was such a lovely goodbye and everyone in the family and friends were there. There was a sticky moment in the funeral - my sisters husband followed her wishes and the Red Flag was sung but only half those present knew the words (or indeed approved) of it 🫢

I hope that you have the place in the proceedings that is right for you - but I have no doubts that you will have x

Scardeycat your life is very challenging at the moment. Triggers all over the place. but I know you will deal with them with grace as well as sorrow x

I have entered and been accepted for a Town Centre show entitled "Beneath the Surface" - right up my street. It's not new, and I need to tweak it first, as its like an autobiography over time - I altered it. the picture is both the current version and the one before.

Its going to take a lot of intense work as time is short and need to spend time altering it before it goes to the framer: its two separate bits of card so will be shown as 3D: oils and pencil.

Looking down on us all

nadateturbe Another fan of Sketchers - the most comfortable shoes I've ever known (4 pairs of shoes and 1 pair of their sandals).

8Wyllow3* Well done on being accepted for the town centre show. Love the picture.

How's everyone's day going? DH has papered the one wall in the 2nd bedroom, so that's all been decorated. New ceiling fan (no idea why he chose that), pictures, curtains, will go up later. Carpet will be fitted on Thursday, bed later. I'm cooking today! Roast beef, etc., at teatime. Love to all x

Hi all
Nadateturbe- what lovely words in your hymn- I just googled it.
I hope the day of your DB funeral is one that gives you comfort. So hard to say goodbye to those we love.
HVDY- See you are brave. So many people after what you went through would have given up or made excuses not to make the effort you did. But you have done so well and deserve your good times.
Camilla’s hair always looks like a very stiff hat😀I think you,d look great with a hint of pink.
LG has a sweet face and what wonderful eyelashes. Love her hair too.
You and DH are having a busy day today- enjoy your roast.
SweetPeaSue- yes the speed of what’s happened to my friends is frightening and truly dreadful. We,ll help when we can.
Your day yesterday sounded quietly busy. You must have been pleased DH felt like painting- it is very therapeutic.
I hope you got some restorative sleep last night and have been able to enjoy today.
Doodle- what a lovely day out that was- did you go with your nice neighbour friend ?
Your quotes are inspiring- it’s lovely you get such comfort from the love of God.
I,m soo tired again today - it’s my own fault. Had over 2 hours chatting to my Sis and SiL then went and did a real tidy up in the front of our house- DH was at Golf. It’s that fear of becoming useless and also wanting to be the old me- will I ever learn. DH was cross cos I,d overdone it.
Wyllow- A trip to the Garden Centre with your nice cleaner sounds like a good idea. No chance your credit card will stay in your purse!!!
Congrats for having your pic in the show. Very interesting picture. The colours are lovely. The people reaching out to the dove - in the 2nd one there is a sad dissappointed one- very poignant. Is the person in the foreground you?
I love that photo too.

Love to all - mentioned here and all our friends past and present

Skechers are very comfy for walking. How are you Doodle.
On the subject of walks, I went out for a twenty minutes walk "round the block " with OH. Halfway my energy gave out and we had to walk home very slowly, holding his arm. Same thing happened 2/3 weeks ago. Now in bed. I drove to see my brother this morning in the funeral parlour and quick hello to my niece. Obviously overdid it. Oh well, at least I made it. Back later x