BLACK DOG 26

I'd forgotton Scardeycat was away, I was worried she wasn't in.

Did you manage a sleep, Sweetpeasue? sounds like a very worthwhile day ahead, and I'm hoping it will prove so x. But I'm going to gently press you - please take the risk of being "dependant", with the psychologist especially.

It's low risk - she is "there for you not forcing anything on you" - take the offer up?

That was a big day of posting for you, *Ellie Anne". Take care, now, we all want you to thrive in any little way that you can manage.

Yes, would be good to hear from nadateturbe so I'll play her tune for all.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=go1-BoDD7CI&list=RDgo1-BoDD7CI&start_radio=1

What a lovely post Candy! a lovely day ahead there today and I'm glad you told us about Sardinia. mmm, perfect temperature, I'm sure it involved a beach.

I'd sorry you had a really grotty night, HVDY. thats a lot to cope with. Maybe a day at home and Jaffa is called for, but knowing you you might rise to the occasion.

I slept like a log because of all yesterday's cycling and am still propped up in bed thank goodness to have the freedom to do this. But been chatting to DS as I wanted to know if they could loan me some money because of the unexpected expenses on the house. they cant atm, but I know where I am now I've costed it all up. There are some things that absolutely have to be done and some things I'd like to have done and the margins are very tight.

Some electrics are an "I'd like" as is a treasured project, which is that the end of my garden is very dark, and I want a mural light coloured painted on the high and solid fence. I can do the design and buy the paint, but need a young enthusiast art student to carry it out.

OK - abandonment. Yes Candy, DS growing up and leaving home was a big trigger and part of the first major collapse in 2002. It wasn't the actual leaving for Uni, but before, when they start detaching themselves from you. A gradual thing. And instead of being "Mum can I sit on your lap" it was, "DS going ff to do footy and so on with Ex1" ....and yes tho I didnt see it at the time it was a sort of abandonment.

But the primary abandonment was not only my Dad having a sudden heart attack when I was just 20, but my mum becoming so mentally ill and unable to 'give" us anything as a result - there was a funeral but we didnt go - I lost my Mum and Dad all at once and most traumatically too.

I totally failed to grieve and this became a lifelong habit, and I also blamed myself for my father's death. (for a number of good but over sensitive/reacting reasons)

My close age sister had suffered all her life because of this, tho differently: my much younger twin brother and sister were at home, and had to, as it were, go through the process and as a result are much more healthy MH wise.

So abandonment will never leave me, its constantly a matter of alleviating it and I get better at it over time.

Hi all

HVDY the temperatures on our holiday weren’t too hot thankfully but plenty hot enough for us - mid 20’s, often a nice breeze though which was nice. Shame about your dark thoughts. I always think everything is worse in the mornings, it used to be my worst time before I took AD’s. I hope it passes for you. Your lovely day with LG would have helped I’m sure.

Wyllow we stayed in a holiday village in Sardinia. It was lovely. I’ve been back to the gym but no swimming as yet, was going to go yesterday but ran out of time. It’s nice that you are going to keep in touch with your carer. Perhaps your feeling of abandonment was down to that? In reality though you are not being abandoned, it will just be a different relationship. I used to get that feeling (still do a little) when my son left. The feeling was so overwhelming, almost unbearable, but it’s better since I’ve been taking the AD’s thankfully. It sounds like you had a nice time with her sorting all your stuff. I can’t sew, never had much interest really but it does sound like a therapeutic skill to have as well as being useful.

Sweetpeasue no it wasn’t too hot on our holiday thankfully. Glad you have shelved the complaint letter for now. I once should have complained about my son’s treatment but didn’t because at the time he was ill and I had to focus on moving forward which I’m glad I did. I never got around to the complaint though and I regret that now. Hope you are ok after your fall. Must have been a shock for you. Glad you went to book club, hard though when you have so much going on but you need a break. Fingers crossed the appointment at York comes through soon. Love your boots. I like Sketchers or Fitflop for comfort. Fitflop more expensive though. I’m watching The Guest too and quite enjoying it. DH not so much.

Scaredycat enjoy your time away. It will be extra special for you to be with family I’m sure. The ‘just being’ isn’t going at all at the moment. Too much going on. I’m aware that I need to work on it though.

Doodle your GS sounds like a very caring young man. I’m sure he thinks a lot of you. I always think it’s very telling when grandchildren choose to visit grandparents rather than being “taken”. It’s proves you have a strong, caring relationship with them. I hope my GS is the same with me when he gets older. Your story about your parents’ wallpaper made me smile. Your dad was obviously very patient. It reminded me of a story of a lady I used to work with. Her and her DH spent a fortune getting a new kitchen fitted then after it was all done she hated it! She waited a few months then suggested they move house, which they did. A very expensive way of getting around admitting she didn’t like it. Hope you have nice things planned for today and I expect you’ll have church tomorrow.

EllieAnne please don’t beat yourself up about the past. Try and let it go and not dwell on it. It really depends on how you’ve conducted yourself since and you are a loving, caring person, be proud of yourself for that. We’ve all done things we shouldn’t when we were young and impressionable. Do something nice for yourself today. Lovely words to you from*Doodle*. Well done to your GD too. It’s good for them to have an interest, keeps them away from screens.

We’re on our way south to get our dog that our son has been looking after while we were away. Can’t wait to see him (and our son 🤣). We’ll have a nice day in the place he lives, I love it there. Problem is, and I don’t know if others feel this way, my joy is almost marred by the way I know I’ll feel tomorrow - sad and despondent that it’s over. I need to learn to enjoy the moment I know.

Love to Nadaterturbe and all others who’ve not been in. Have the best day possible xx

DH and I, I meant

Awake at 5.45, lay there for 2 hours (hoped to get back to sleep, but no). DH are meant to be meeting Son2, DIL and LG at a local, outdoor event. The weather forecast isn't good, so not sure if we'll end up going. Hope all BDers have a decent day x

EllieAnne I too have need for forgiveness and ,honestly, who hasn't done and regretted something in their Iive's. Please forgive yourself or it will always damage the life you live now. I know it's not easy but God ,Im sure, would not want you to forever punish yourself.
HVDY Glad youve had such a lovely day with Littlegirl. I looked it up tonight it was indeed Eve Miles and the programme I was thinking of was Torchwood.
Wyllow Only natural for you to help out with little ones in the library when you saw that need. You do seem to have a natural inclination to step in to help others when you see that opening and although the teacher was concerned ,she was probably just being cautious.
I am afraid of being too dependent. I've been dependent all my life, really, and not done the things you have been able to do in the past - and even to an extent at present- never been on my own and DH has always looked after me.
You are doing so well and it's good to see you getting out and about on your bike.
Doodle What lovely words to EllieAnne. I found the article you put up interesting and full of wise words .

Must try and sleep. Son 1 is coming down tomorrow with my DHD and DIL.
Love to all.

I am in a bossy mood today, I've had to be powerful with men all day and one awkward woman at the library today. Ouch if I take it out here.
I wont be in the morning.

We make amends in our minds Ellie Anne, when we cant do it in person:

as I am trying to do with Ex, and other shameful elements in my past like not giving the support my now dead sister needed. (I get that by talking it through with DocSis not a counsellor)

Therapists call it "reparative work" and - it does work.

I think you could do with seeing a counsellor. go on, give it a try, nothing to lose? xx

SweetpeaSue Have you spoken to your neighbours about the dogs/ Perhaps record them and report it to the council. That actress is Eve Myles. She was in Dr Who, apparently (not a programme I've ever seen but I looked at her details)

I think I dd do it knowingly I was selfish and didn’t care. And I can’t make amends because it’s way in the past and I don’t know any of the people involved any more.

Wyllow3 You had a productive day, by the sound of it. Excellent weather for cycling. You've made friends with the chimney man, too. You're quite the social butterfly these days .

Doodle LG was here, 10 til 4. After lunch, we went to a nearby farm park, fed goats, donkeys, sheep, chickens, etc., then she played on the slide and in the sandpit, and we had a drink in the cafe before she fell asleep in the car. Nice day. Your day sounds great. I'm glad you get out as much as you do. The hospice is a special place.

EllieAnne You must be very proud of your GD. I bet she was pleased with herself. It was kind of you to take a gift to your friends. How long have they been married? We've all done things we're ashamed of - I know I certainly have. You were a different person at the ages of 18-25. Let it go, forgive yourself. I don't believe in God, as people know, but what you did many years ago has no bearing on how you are now. You're depressed, that's why you feel as you do.

Awake at 5.30, just lay there with an overactive mind - songs, films, social media, conversations, etc., all going round and round in my head. By 7am, I was still awake to got up then. I'm tired and will be going to bed at 10.30-ish. Hope ALL BDers have a restful night x

I'll look out for Pavers too, Sweetpeasue, if they are cheaper than Next.

I am dependent: not on counsellors, but on CPN's to a degree (support when you dont have good friendship/family networks)
And Psychologist and Psychiatrist. The Psychiatrist, a very good one, overlooks the whole treatment situation and particularly makes decisions with me on medication. My Psychologist, in my case, is the key worker who organises the details of support and treatment.

I am not afraid of being dependant, for so long now I've needed support, if they are good people they are welcome parts of my life - remember the bi-polar means I'm not just on a path "up".

I'd challenge you and say, are you too afraid of being dependant in case you lose it? I feel its important to recognise need for what it is now, in the present, and take it if its there - your psychology person is there in the wings. Ask and appears to be clear it will be given, from your recent experience.

If DH feels he can go, go with it?

That was a good day, Doodle - very nice out at the moment, the temperature "just right". Your hospice is super, I have to say.
You'll be needing that glass of Red...it might be a tough come down

Oh my, you were actually there! It just be a much loved family story. 🙂.

You've got me pinned. Long story short, the Older Chimney Man, now MrChimney, and I had a long talk about lots of things especially the processes needed to mend the back of the house (water leak damage pebble dash - badly patched up - and he has also painted pebble dash before,

and he's sending me a quote for doing the lot.

His daughter is very art/crafty as he is - a creative with people too one job in the past was helping young drug users) and I offered to meet her as its right up my street to give advice on courses and paths in life creatively.

Serendipity.

Lots of biking today around at last - super exercise and good for the environment. I've been high but with so much physical exercise it's balanced. I also just popped into the local Volunteer run library/community centre and walked into an art group for little ones and helped out. then got into trouble for not being a registered volunteer (quite right too, more haste less speed) - but its something for me the grandchildren not being local.

I'm so glad you have come in Ellie Anne, I've been concerned, as I am about one or two others.
Ellie, I've made bad mistakes, hurt people, women and men, at the time unknowingly (ex excluded!) but I've put it right, made amends, in being as caring as I can with people now (at the risk at times of being taken advantage of, but under control now)

Your descriptions of your life that I've read show me that you do your very best at caring and its well "good enough", tho atm you dont believe it.

God, however we conceive of him/her, even if it's my Quaker faith in a compassionate of a spirit abroad, is a loving God to me, look at Jesus.

The vengeful passages in the Bible sit uneasily with me, but we have to remember that when the gospels of the New Testament were selected, much was excluded (ie other ideas of God/gods).

So there is room for you to believe you can be forgiven and have the right, as do we all, for any happiness that comes our way. Thomas doubted, didn't he?

Doodle, "That’s why it’s called faith because we have no absolute proof. If we did we wouldn’t need faith.
It’s not an easy discussion and I’m certainly not qualified to discuss it as I hang onto my faith by the skin of my teeth.
I’m glad your DGD did so well."

My, you are so spot on and yes, wise.

I feel that our Scaredycat is in a dark place and I will send her love.

Laters.

insight.org/article/getting-past-guilt-overcoming-barriers-to-feeling-forgiven
Ellie Anne hope the above link helps.

Ellie Anne God doesn’t do payback. We have all done things we are ashamed of or feel guilty about. I know I have and I have a real problem with it too but you can be forgiven for things. That’s what Jesus is all about.
I have read many times from all sorts of highly religious people that they have never heard from God. Never had any kind of revelation or road to Damascus moment. I think the vast majority of believers just have hope and faith. That’s why it’s called faith because we have no absolute proof. If we did we wouldn’t need faith.
It’s not an easy discussion and I’m certainly not qualified to discuss it as I hang onto my faith by the skin of my teeth.
I’m glad your DGD did so well.

I’m still here but very low.
Gd 2 was skating in Sheffield this week and did very well considering she was the smallest in her group.
Today was my friend s anniversary and I left a card and gift on their doorstep this afternoon. I hope they got it ok.
I was speaking to god when I was walking today ( I know some of you don’t believe) and asking if this is payback for my past. Between 18 and 25 I did a lot I m very ashamed and regretfull about now and if some of my friends knew they would be shocked.
God didn’t answer me anyway.

Sweetpeasue I’m watching The Guest too.
Thank you, yes I am pleased for our grandson. He’s not had things easy so it’s nice to have some better news.
Is there nothing that can be done about the dogs? Have you spoken to your neighbours? Perhaps a few quiet days at the Lakes would be a good idea.
HVDY hope you get used to the new wallpaper and get to like it’s. Sometimes it takes a while. Have you been out much today? It’s been a beautiful day here. Went out with walking group this morning then to the hospice for lunch and a Waitrose shop on the way home. Not sitting with a large glass of red.
Scaredycat when are you going away? Hope you have a lovely time. I do envy you being by the sea. I love walking by the sea with the wind blowing in your face and the waves crashing on the beach.
Wyllow I was actually there at the time of the wallpaper on/off incident. It was just before I got married I think.
Hope you got your bike sorted. The chimney men sound nice.
Stitching, embroidery and textiles sounds fun. I love fiddling with fabric.
Ellie Anne sending hugs and thinking of you

Wyllow I got my boots from Next a couple of yrs ago. They're very worn in but have always been comfy( photo) and can walk anywhere in them. Seen some nice ones, Pavers, at garden centre.
That fear of abandonment is heightened in a MH situation where there's been a lot of deep talk in counselling. Its very scary indeed. I guess there's a fine line between the psychologist/ counsellor gaining trust from the person and not leaving them too dependent on them( if that makes sense)
You're right ,Im v fearful of the coming days and weeks as my DH seems to worsen. We've thought of the Lakes for a few nights but Im v uncertain that my DH can manage it , though I guess it wouldn't be much different from being here. He's getting terribly angry about noisy dogs next door.
HVDY I have usually chosen the paper, paint, ect ,as long as DH hasn't been absolutely against something. One thing Im not keen on is the very dark walls that seem to be so fashionable now. I'd been thinking of the 'Coldwater' drama , thanks, I'll take a look. I can't remember the actress's name - she was also in the Dr Who spin off drama with John Barrowman ( can't remember name of that one either!) .
Doodle You made me laugh about your mum changing her mind afterwards. I've done the same thing and felt so guilty about it. Hope youve been OK today.

Hope everyone's day has been OK. Thinking of those not in too but not mentioned.

It's the ankle boots I need, Sweetpeasue, I was saying it to N yesterday and she suggested Hotters. I may try to see if TU have an alternative! Where did you get yours?

Perfect outfit. Like the sound of yours too HVDY

Re the courses: it occurred to me you spend so much time helping others in your family especially and I'm sure, wherever you go, and I thought, something for herself.is what is needed to balance it. Stitching/embroidery/textiles is fascinating and it's a way of meeting people without having to engage head on. It means you can repair soft furnishings, sheets, alter frocks.

It's also very very good to keep hands mobile, as does any art/craft. I have found this of great benefit. Stitching uses both hands, which matters.

Busy but not overloaded today. I stayed up late last night, completely forgetting that Chimney Men were coming. and early blues had to be quickly banished, needs must.

They are a really lovely couple of blokes, the young one has got over his shyness with friendly chat, and have been given tea and bikkies. They even went to the neighbours and had a friendly word. What goes around comes around, I've asked Chief Bloke to see if anything else is letting water in (a slipped tile?) in the hope they'll do a patch up for me.

Got AM exercise in by bringing 2 buckets of water to the front door (bingo wings and shoulders 🤣).

I have to cycle my bike up to the local repair shop for a look see and this time will cycle the easy way up the hill.

Putting things in perspective time today: I need to send off to Psychologist the letters from my 2008-2014 therapist, and the Disgraceful Discharge, wont let them forget:

all in the interests of them knowing that the fear of abandonment is so fundamental they shouldn't speculate with me that "one day I might be ready" (like she did yesterday, and got told off).

🫢

Laters. Carry on with that battle away from fear and towards nurturing each other, if you can just a wee bit, Sweetpeasue.

I'd also love to hear from our usual posters - missing you.

SweetpeaSue Oh no, more waiting for things to be done. Going privately is certainly much quicker than going through the NHS, but it's a worrying and frustrating wait for you both. I bought a V-neck jumper from Asda, a lovely teal colour. We watched The Guest and enjoyed it, and also Coldwater - it had the same actress in it (the one who played Fran).

Wyllow3 You're quite the seamstress. I didn't like needlework and cookery at school, so for the last 2 years there, I did shorthand and typing instead. I might have a look at those courses, thanks for that.

Doodle I buy all the cat food from Amazon, and had opened 2 pouches, so it can't be sent back. I know someone who takes in strays, so I'll let her have it. I choose every item of furniture, every wallpaper, paint, etc., always have done. My husband isn't remotely interested in any of it. My dad was a painter and decorator, and managed to do his own papering and painting until he was 80. Your grandson sounds like a very caring young man, bless him.

Off to bed, so back tomorrow. Hope everyone has a restful night x

Doodle So glad to hear your DGS completed a college course. Well done him and so pleased he is working. You must be so proud of the huge efforts he has made.
Wyllow Wish I knew how to send a link. The cardigan you showed is indeed the one. I intend to wear it with midi checked dress I got from New Look and black opaque tights and black ankle boots.

Yes HVDY I have an old Bernini Sewing Machine as I have sewn all my life and did 2 out of 3 years of a City and Guilds p/t Embroidery and Textiles. (I sewed my outfits as a teenager as we did it for 2 years and afternoon a week at school and my mum used to sew our stuff too)

Its never too old to start a City and Guilds course, you are clearly creative cos of all the stuff you have done with LG.

(google says)
To find City & Guilds courses in using a sewing machine, making clothes, and embroidery, you should search for Creative Techniques or Design and Craft qualifications on the official City & Guilds website or contact approved training providers like the School of Stitched Textiles who offer comprehensive online, distance-learning, and master practitioner courses. These courses, often at Level 1, 2, or 3, allow you to learn various textiles and fashion skills, including pattern cutting, machine embroidery, and garment construction, depending on the specific course and provider.

and of course lots of lovely mainly women who love a good natter.

Oh my that made me laugh, Doodle. I'm just picturing patient Dad following determined Mum's wishes. is it a family tale...or..were you..actually there ☺️...
That is the sweetest thing, Doodle, your lovely grandson promising to look after you. Aw...
You are rightI've just been swapping WhatsApps with K, got the courage up and got good nattery chat back. 💛 I'd very happily meet her and her Mum for an outing.

In the past with the bi - polar stuff I've either woke up totally in the pits or over jolly. The fact it's a "mixed experience now" is a very good sign for the long term, ie, moderating the extremes.

Sweetpeasue is made me think, you need a book with Pictures, then I remembered the Lakes are your go-to place.

Is there any chance of you both getting away there? Autumnal colours and warm fire? As long as you are adequately near an A and E, in the past iirc you've always dreaded going, then once you got there again iirc you've got something out of the break?

(I'm glad the practice manager was nice, more collecting good bits like the psychologist ringing you)

Big jumpers and Cardi's are totally in atm, you are spot on style wise. this one? spot on.
tuclothing.sainsburys.co.uk/product/tuc146074740

back later.

HVDY Just seen your post.Oh that feeling of apathy is very difficult once it's set in. Glad LG is coming tomorrow - she's such a joy and a happy little bundle isn't she. Don't think I know much about Mitchell and Webb comedy's. We watched a drama called The Guest this week and it was quite watchable actually.
Im looking forward to Strictly starting again. Take care and hope your day is better tomorrow.

HVDY wouldn’t you know it. Buying all that food and Jaffa won’t eat it. Can you take it back and change it?
Your post about not liking your wallpaper made me smile with a memory of my mum and dad.
Mum chose a paper to go in the recesses either side of the chimney breast. Dad (a perfectionist in decorating) spent ages doing the room. Tidied up and brought mum to look. I don’t like it now says mum. Dad stripped it all off and did it again in another paper. 🤣
I hate waking up with those dark thoughts. It linger through the day for me.
Scaredycat so sorry about your friend. Having you around for support will help. Hope you have a lovely time with your family. I love the sea too.
Sweetpeasue it’s horrid waking up and feeling anxious or worried straight away. I’ve done so much of that over the years. Any news about DH’s scan yet?
Wyllow our grandson is a lovely chap. We’ve always been close and he promised his grandad he would take care of me.
He’s working now finished college in July.
We went to a restaurant for lunch. It is local just the other side of the river from where we live.
Sorry you had those abandoned feelings again. It’s just a change. K wants to remain friends. You have not lost her and maybe you can help her. If her mother has Alzheimer’s she’ll need someone to talk to and maybe have coffee with.

Scaredycat DHs CT Angiogram is next Wednesday.
Hoping your journey down to holiday location has been OK.
HVDY Hoping your day has been OK and you managed to both get out. My stiffness and pain are in lots of joints though started in soles of feet like your son. I just take the co- codamol that's already been prescribed for pelvic/ bladder pain but do try and do without. Don't want to be taking them all the time.
Wyllow You seem to understand a lot about your illness and the high and low episodes. Glad you had cleaner friend to help today. Must have been good to chat aswell as tidy your sewing room.
The book we're reading is Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole set in the Lake District. I don't seem to be able to read as much as I could lately. Will have a look at the meditation when Im on my own( must get some ear- phones for mobile) .

Shopping at Sainsbury's and bought a green ,roomy, cardigan. Not quite sure if I don't look a bit ' bag lady' in it.
Practice manager called DH and said he'd try to find receptionist responsible for the mistake about blood test appt ( not being warned it'd been cancelled). He was nice. on phone and apologetic . Asked DH if he could remember the receptionist( DH said she had long eye-lashes and he'd replied they all do 😄.x)
DH didn't want to get anyone into trouble so anyway it's just left there.

Very upset about the call to York hospital to see if blood test received. Yes and they had now sent appt out for 8th Oct. Another 3 weeks. Then there'll be time on top of that for results- then time until operation. Wish we'd had the scan at York done privately now but 7 weeks ago ,when we saw Vascular at Harrogate he'd said it would be 4 weeks for scan.

V tired and v low. Perhaps shouldn't come in as Im just a misery lately. Sorry.
Hoping everyone has a peaceful night.

SweetpeaSue It rained all morning, and we didn't bother to go out - apathy has set in. I thought I'd watch the new Mitchell and Webb "comedy". Oh, it was absolutely dire (and much of it was every swear word you can imagine, which doesn't bother me at all, but it was all so unfunny. I watched a drama with Steven Graham in it instead, called "The Virtues", which was quite depressing. Little Girl will be here tomorrow, which will definitely cheer me up. How have you and your husband been today?

ScaredyCat Have a very nice holiday.
Wyllow3 My mind is always racing in the morning, but the dark thoughts happen at any time of the day, no real reason other than I need to get out more. Will certainly go out with our little cherub tomorrow. Glad you and N sorted through your sewing things. Have you got a sewing machine? DH bought one, years ago, for himself, then used it once. I really ought to try to have a go with it some time.

How has everyone else been? x