BLACK DOG 26

I had a sleep so I'm more myself Me and N really enjoyed the sewing sort out and natter but by the end of concentrating on minute haberdashery and beads and so on my goodness just crawled into bed. I put this one on as it's an old favourite. Once you get past the Californian accent it's one of the best meditations I've found.

Play at 75% is even better
www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPgcQhqMtDg

Scaredycat I can well imagine your waking with thoughts in your situation, and of course you do have cause. How are you coping?

Hoping for news from you Sweetpeasue and I hope whatever you did today HVDY brightened things up a little..

Scaredycat " perhaps it was just a case of too much, too quickly"

Quite so. Add "too intense". Especially as regards jumping into friendships partularly men

My Psychologist did help put things in order.

I'd say if it's increasing dark morning thoughts HVDY do you know why. Last night was a lesson inasmuch as keeping busy is a mixed blessing if you don't know where the dark thoughts are triggered by. Ie, it's sometimes the right thing to do, other times its a "Stay with" the loss/pain awhile.

It was very good to put middle of the night thoughts down somewhere. No reason we cant do that and just see if someone happens upon them.

Back later as I've got cleaner/friend coming at 2.30 and we are going to tackle the sewing room together to sort out before I can get to the sewing machine. We both like rummaging through "stuff" and giving it order.

Hi all
Wyllow- it’s understandable for you to have a reaction to K,s news. But as you say you haven’t lost her - she’s your friend and you are there for each other. Hopefully today your psychiatrist will help you put things in perspective. When you think back to how poorly you were and how much you have achieved these las5 few weeks- perhaps it was just a case of too much,too quickly. But you have those achievements and lovely people in your life again.Of course you,re scared of a relapse but you are made of strong stuff and even strong stuff bends sometimes.
My friend is at the start of what will be a very hard cancer journey - she has a lovely family and friends like me who will do all we can. You’re right though we can understand each other .
HVDY- that colour scheme sounds lovely- the prints will look good with it. Jaffa will blend in well too!!
Yes we,ve just packed our case , can’t take too much as we are going in the same car. We don’t need much where we go as it’s comfort and casual stuff - and waterproofs of course!!
Waking up with those awful thoughts is so wearying and it’s so hard to get them out of your head once they are in isn’t it. Since so many friends have become ill I,ve started to do that too. I hope you manage to get out with DH and do something to cheer you up.
SweetPeaSue- I hope todays X-ray for DH proves useful and gives you some much needed answers. Will be thinking of you.
Hope too you have had no repercussions after your fall- I expect you,ll be ultra careful on the stairs now.
Thank you for your kind wishes - the sea is so healing and to be there with our DD and SiL will be special. We want to take them to all our favourite places- weather permitting!!
Nadateturbe- hope you,re able to get out a bit.
Candy- how is the “just being” going?
EllieAnne- haven’t heard from you in a while hope you,ve been enjoying Choir .
Love to all mentioned and those we miss.

Scardycat Like HVDY, hope you get some good weather. I know how much you live the sea . Enjoy yourselves and don't worry about posting.
Wyllow That's your dark self trying to make you insecure . Don't listen ,youve been through so much and you have made many friends or acquaintances.
Hope the psychologist appt is reassuring and you can talk about your fear of loss and abandonment.
HVDY It might take Jaffa some time to accept a new place. Your bedroom design sounds beautiful and classy.
Im sorry you're having those thoughts - I find when I just wake up worries come crashing in. Don't force yourself to the day-centre if you're not feeling like it.
Hope you and DH manage to get out somewhere even if its just for a coffee. Just getting out of the house helps sometimes. Thinking of you.

Hope everyone else has a reasonable day.

ScaredyCat 3 walls are Antique Cream, the other wall is papered - foliage-type of print, in silver, gold, brown, cream. I chose it, but I don't like it. I expect you'll be packing for your holiday. Have a lovely time away, hope the weather is good.

Wyllow3 I'm glad you'll be keeping in touch with your carer. She sounds great. I hope your Psychologist appointment goes well today.

Woke up at 6, as I often do, with "obtrusive and dark" thoughts. Noticed that for some time now. Not going to day centre - decided on Monday I didn't want to go. Might go out with DH later, if the rain stops. Hope everyone has a decent day x

Still very low and a bit scared. (of returning depression, its my "being abandoned stuff")
I thought I'd cope better than this, bring on this mornings appointment.

Spoke too soon. I often have a delayed reaction: cant sleep and it's 4.20am.....losing K has had an impact (as in, "Ive been abandoned..... And depressive thoughts and noticing knives and so on.

Fortunately my psychologist happens to be here tomorrow morning (I dont see her often)

Yes, friend ship is offered, it's just how I react, this sort of thing (like when they discharged me in 2017 despite even letters from MP) causes a relapse. This wont, but I'm shocked I am not as well as I thought. 😡

can understand you were nervous about leaving DH Sweetpeasue, but you need that time out and I'm sure he knows that, and I know you'd have your mobile with you should anything happen.
I’ve got bootees like that, they are wobbly. I’m glad the fall wasn’t worse (like landing on a radiator or something)
Bring on Wednesday, that X Ray will be very helpful indeed.
What are you reading in your group?
Bring on Wednesday, that X Ray will be very helpful indeed.

Having a 22 year old chat away freely with gran is not something you always get, Doodle, it’s lovely to be trusted. Is he at Uni or started a job?
Where did you go for your DiL and her mum - a pub or a decent cafe?
Of course you dont laugh as much. A big chunk of sunshine has left your life. Hopefully, more will return, but you never ever need to feel you don’t chat enough

HVDY I was going to tell carer soon that I couldn’t afford her anymore and I am a lot better. I have gained, not lost. I did smile at Jaffa’s going back to his old favourite spot. ☺️

Oh Scaredycat, how helpless you must feel as sorrow after sorrow piles on for your friend. Is she being looked after well enough? K is special not just as we get on well, but if I enter another depression, or she has a cancer relapse, we can understand each other.

It’s good because the new Wyllow is weller than the old Wyllow. I have learnt a great deal by surviving the second worst depression of my 6/7 in my life.

Its getting late - goodnight to BD’s, reading, writing, and those who read now and then

Hi all
Doodle- Your day sounds good. It’s so nice that you,your DiL and Mum all get together. Our children’s partners become like our own don’t they.
We haven’t had rain today. I,ve spent the afternoon with my very poorly friend. We chatted for over 2 hours . I did some shopping for her beforehand . Wish I could magic her better- she has added worry as her DH Has been taken to Hospital since she got ill and is very poorly.
Nobody could be more supportive than you- but right now it’s you that needs support . Short posts are fine - we just need to know you are OK and just love having you here with us.
HVDY- those prints sound nice - what colour is the bedroom.
The colours of the print must be Springlike.
Housework is the most boring thing in the world and is something that just has to be done,but only if there is no better offer!!
Oh Jaffa! What a typical cat thing to do just like if you get them a new bed and they’d rather sleep in an old box😺
Candy- nice to have you back after your lovely holiday. Italy is so beautiful isn’t it. Where did you go?
After the colours and sunshine of Italy I expect it must have felt dismal in the rain. You’re right it’s not so easy ‘just being’ when you’re someone who likes to be busy. We really do need sometimes just to smell the roses.
Wyllow- what a lovely park that sounds.K must have dreaded having to tell you about her having to leave to support her Mum. But what a wonderful thing for you - you have gained a very special friend . She has a hard road to travel but she has a lovely friend in you too.
You have much more insight into your feelings now. Learning to look before you leap, but still have this infectious enthusiasm. Also regaining your physical strength helps in so many ways.
Our Old Wyllow is certainly getting there.
SweetPeaSue- Oh dear what an awful shock for you. Slippers can be really dangerous on the stairs. No wonder they are called Slippers!! Seriously though you need to get some that stay on properly. I just got some from Pavers as I,ve fallen twice on the stairs this Summer. They’re really ugly to look at but boy are they secure. Please be careful.
Glad Book Club was enjoyable- it’s good for you to have that break in the week.

On Friday we are going away for a week with DD and SiL to our favourite place by the Sea. They have never been so I hope they will love it as we do. I,m so looking forward to being with them for a whole week. So I,ll try and post sometimes but if I don’t will think of you all with love.

Love to all

Wyllow3 Glad you managed to get out with your favourite carer. What a shame she'll be leaving - when will that be? She'll have a long road ahead with her mum . You're doing so well, though. It was only a couple of months ago that you barely managed to get dressed. Go steady. I ordered some canvas prints from Amazon - ferns and dandelions, nothing exciting, but I like them.

SweetpeaSue What a way to begin the day. I hope you didn't hurt yourself too much. Be careful. I do the bare minimum of housework, too. It's tedious and pretty pointless. I clean the toilet, washbasin, kitchen sink, and worktops every day, but everything else is done a couple of times weekly. I agree with Doodle about chasing things up, although it must be driving you mad with all the calls to various places.

Doodle It sounds as though you had a good day. No need to post much if you don't feel like it. We understand.

I bought Jaffa some "top quality" cat food (48 pouches) and he doesn't like it (ungrateful sod), so had to go out and buy some Sheba. Nothing much else today x

Wyllow our grandson is 22. How nice both your cleaner and K want to be your friends. Hope it works out for you.
Sorry your lovely cafe was shut. It’s good you’re getting out in your bike again.
You’re doing so well compared with a couple of months ago. Just take things slowly. Lovely to have much of our old Wyllow back with us.
HVDY I bet you’re pleased to have your bedrooms done and the other things you’ve done recently. Our place needs decorating but it will have to wait. I’ve had a really busy day but yes, fortunately all indoors. Church this morning then getting toys out for playgroup. Lunch out with DIl and her mum then a walk down to the park and back. Hope you’ve had a good day.
Candy so pleased you had a good holiday. Sounds lovely. Have you any more trips planned.
Sweetpeasue I’m glad you weren’t too badly hurt in your fall. Yes try and be careful. When our minds are distracted with other things then we become more accident prone.
Have you tried phoning York hospital to chase up the scan appointment. I realise you’re worn out with all the worry and stress but chasing up these things can be so important. Things can so easily get overlooked.
Glad you’ve enjoyed book club today.
Scaredycat hope you’ve had a good day today. Did you manage to avoid getting caught in the rain
I realise im not very talkative these days. I seem to have lost my …..I don’t know what. I don’t talk to people as much as I did and don’t laugh so much. Sorry I should be more supportive. Please forgive the short posts I’m so very tired most of the time.

Wyllow What kind words to me( shed a few tears) you are perceptive. I do find it hard to clear my head and post - I get so tired but ,of course, so do we all with various worries and concerns.
Im glad your getting stronger by cycling and your yoga. So very pleased about your carer K becoming a friend and your cleaner too. Hope you could talk out feelings about ex today. Oh, the coffee shop that closes- hope it's not your Costa where you have friends.
HVDY Its been dry here today and sunny.Got washing out and dried and cleaned bathroom. I actually don't do a lot of housework - just bare minimum- but I hope that doesn't sound like Im a slob. 😂 I do keep things tidy as I go- never leave used pots and like to do them straight after a meal ( DH helps) Your bedrooms will look beautiful 😍
Candy I've never been to Italy - hope you had a lovely holiday. Was it very hot there? Thankyou for kind words about DH. You are right about letters to NHS right now and I realise that it would be too much mentally- I would get myself het up if replies were dismissive and I can't afford to be emotionally drained right now- there's only so much we can deal with isn't there. Nice to see you in.
Doodle Your anger at NHS in your post to me was very touching and thankyou - it hit the right spot. Your belief in me never waivers. I hope youve had a good day. So glad you have your church friends and your strong faith to hold you up. Im so pleased your DGS is settled and happy .xx
Scaredycat Hoping youve been OK today. We may have crossed posts. You must be so tired after such a huge party gathering.
Nadateturbe Thinking of you and hope you're OK.
* EllieAnne* How are you.

Well DH has CT Angiogram next Wednesday then he's to have follow up consultation with Cardiologist.
Still no news about scan at York hospital on Carotid and Subclavian arteries which is the one that's important for operation.
Started the day of falling downstairs - it's my silly loose slipper-boots. Just bruised and shocked ( I threw up) but otherwise Im ok. Made me realise how much DH needs me ,I must be careful.
Book group started today so pleasant afternoon as only a handful of us. Felt nervous of leaving DH.

Hoping everyone has had best day possible and sending love to all. So glad you're all here.
.

Doodle, it sounds worth every penny. A lot of hassle ahead getting things done…all either necessary of for pleasure. Thats the anti’b I'm on for 5 days. But you have a tough medical history in that department.

Great to see you in, Candy. I'm glad it was such a wonderful holiday. Where did you stay? It will take some time to settle back in after the holiday, and back to swimming et al.

Ellie Anne I would love to hear how you are getting on, but if its not right for you to post, then thats OK, but I still think of you, and of Nadateturbe, and others not in often

As the rain eased off quite a lot, me and carer K did go for a walk in the park, its wasn’t too bad. And the cafe is super.

It's a famous cafe and is undergoing refurb, just re-opened.And the lake was full - and happy ducks and geese.

And then something happened…again.
I’ve been thinking that I wont need carer K a lot longer, and it’s £70 for 2 hours. She said after a while “I’ve got something difficult to tell you…..I’m going to leave work because my mum has Alzheimers.”
This was not a surprise, and it was easier for her when I said that I was thinking I was better but it and been down to her a lot.

Then she said, “I’d like you to be my friend. 🫢 deja vu the cleaner. But K is a very special lady indeed, we have got very close.

So we had a coffee, swapped numbers, and carried on like we always have.

Both wounded, both understanding the struggle to heal.

I cycled up to the bike shop to get something sorted, no one there, dog barking like mad, him not responding to texts until “I’m at the hospital”. (Next time I will take the easier curved route up, not the steep one)

I suddenly felt so small and vulnerable sitting outside the shop, wobbly, wobbly. The coffee place I know and feel safe in opposite closes on a Wednesday
But it's good to get these reminders, take things slowly! Dont throw yourself at new things, wyllow, it will end badly!!

(I’ve cycled since I was 5, and used my bike constantly until I was 33 and me and first DH got a car....
Then cycled for pleasure most of my life on holidays too, and of course it was one of the good things with Ex
)
Tired out, but physically. I am very slowly gaining strength after 2 years of inactivity.

Very timely, but I have my psychologist calling in tomorrow, and will get CPN news. Nervous - she holds the strings for any support I get from MH.

Writing this, I'm aware of your suffering, Sweetpeasue, and how what I write, now more healed, just seem like a distant dream, dont let it put you off sharing, everyone here has "Been there", although in all our different ways and for different reasons - and unless you want to, just come in, don't tire yourself if concentration on others for now is tough.

(There's me making rules up 🙄)

Candy6 How lovely. Was it very hot there? Son2 went a few years ago (before he got with DIL) and stayed in Rome. No LG today, but having her on Friday.

Nadaterturbe, EllieAnne, and others who haven't been on here lately - hope you're all ok.

It's still raining. Done my boring housework and am now doing online shopping. x

Hi all, just had a quick catch up after not being in for a while. We have just returned from a holiday in Italy which was wonderful.

Sweetpeasue I can see that your battles with the NHS system are still prevalent. You and DH must feel so let down. Thank goodness you went private so at least now you seem to be getting somewhere, albeit not very quickly. Although the issues you have had clearly deserve to be addressed, like Scaredycat said, maybe shelve it until all this is over. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself now. You have enough to cope with. I really hope your DS gets the treatment he needs and deserves very soon.

Wyllow you sound like you’re still doing well even though you are having the odd dip. At least now you are recognising what triggers them and are processing, which can only be a good thing. You are keeping busy and that helps (I should know!). Your garden looks lovely and your painting was excellent, although poignant. You are very talented. Hope your cystitis is getting better too. I had a little flare up a while ago now. Not nice. Hope you manage to get out with your carer today and the meeting is productive.

*Ellie Anne*please don’t be so down on yourself. Not everyone can be the life and soul. Some of us are quieter, but that doesn’t mean we’re boring. You have life experiences too and I’m sure you could bring lots to a conversation. I watch TV on my iPad too. Try and make your space as comfy as possible with some nice bed covers/cushions/throws etc. it really can make a difference.

HVDY your bedrooms sound lovely. So nice to get things done but it’s surprising how the cost all adds up. Have you got LG today?

Doodle hope you are feeling ok today and had a restful sleep.

Scaredycat sounds like you had a really good party which was very well attended! I hope you are well.

Nadaterturbe hope you too are well.

Not a very nice day here. Has stopped raining but for how long who knows? Feeling a bit disoriented. Not as busy as I usually am so I think it’s that. I need to learn to “just be”. Easier said than done. Hope all have a good day.

Doodle The 2 bedrooms have cost quite a bit, but are looking great now. The rest of the house is decent. We need a new stair carpet and lino in the bathroom (both taken up when we had new radiators/pipework and not gone back down properly again). That will probably be after Christmas now. Did you have a busy day yesterday? I hope that whatever you're doing today will be indoors - it's pouring with rain.

SweetpeaSue Sorry your Fibro was bad yesterday. Are the meds you take for it effective? Son1 has it but only takes Paracetamol. His feet are most affected. Glad you spoke with the MH person. You need to be able to release all the emotions you've been feeling.

Wyllow3 Hope the tablets work quickly for you. I always ask for Nitrofurantoin, for a week, as that seems to be the only one that works for me. I think you're right about not getting over your ex - you refer to him a lot. Hope the weather brightens up so that you can go to the park.

It's tipping down here. DH is out for breakfast. I'm going to do boring chores. Hope everyone has a decent day x

Well it's raining really heavily, and last night I had printed out some walks in a local but very big (like "being in the countryside" park.

If it doesnt stop we could do something very valuable to me - drive into town and get familiar with all the places I cant go to at the moment, like the station, like Quaker Central, and of course the place my show will be on. I need to know how to get to a central car park and take it from there. there are of course horrendous one way systems.

Before they closed John Lewis in Covid, it was easy - drive there, park there, and you were near "Everything", and there were toilets and a cafe there of course.

toilets being rather on my mind atm.

It does sound lovely, HVDY. Yes, some pictures - what sort have you in mind? Thats a great active day there, good on you as you hadn't slept well.

I'm glad to say that ringing late when I rung midafternoon was because I had missed a text appointment -just too upset and preoccupied this morning to be alert.

Sweetpeasue I feel so sad the pain and worry you're going through. I so am glad you were rung up - will it be more often - you need an outlet for all the anxiety you have xx

What happiness they bring, Doodle. I'm just so glad yours live near - especially important now. Do tell, how old is he? It never matters if we say a little or a lot, I genuinely feel. Just hello is good.

Yes, I was tired, but as I hadn't done much It was OK going out at 4.30pm.

I was expecting a call, see, which is usual, I got a text which I didnt find till I rung later for and they wanted me to come in....he thought as I did that 3 days anti b's hadn't been enough, got 5 days now.
He also explained why I had been given oestrogen. I booked my jabs.
Of course I went to Costa for a coffee and MrC was there and pretended I wasn't 🤣 he was busy on video calls but not of course all the time.

I felt relieved. To pitch myself into something as intense as it was would have been destructive...

^but have learnt last might today that I haven't moved on with Ex as much as had thought^you cant "replace". and so there is work to be done, and thats OK.

Tomorrow is my carer and I've planned a walk round the local very big and lovely park, parking near the cafe and ..toilets (there didn't used to be a cafe) Raining or not, I need some fresh air and can talk Ex, I might bring my computer in the rucksack to show her pix. We''ll see.

Sweetpeasue I so wish I could put a rocket up the NhS. What you have had to cope with is unbelievable or at least it should be but I believe it only too well. Keep fighting and phoning, it’s the only way. Glad you enjoyed your birthday with the family.
HVDY glad the rooms finished. I bet you’re pleased with it. Is there more decorating to be done or are you finished now.
Scaredycat nice that you had a face time with your grandson
I know I’m lucky that mine lives so close by. We had a lovely chat about things in general and it was so nice to see him happy after all he’s been through.
Well done for tackling the airing cupboard. I find these days I don’t have the enthusiasm or energy to do much at all.
Wyllow your painting looks good, thank you for taking the time to explain it all. Love your coloured stones inhe garden.
Sorry you’ve had another bout of depression. Hope your quiet afternoon helped. Hope you get over the cystitis soon. So painful and uncomfortable.
Sorry all been out all day and I’m too tired to post more. X

Scardycat Yes, I meant your eldest son Scaredy. It just doesn't seem like a year.

So sorry my last message was meant for SweetPeaSue- a very senior moment😩

HVDY- my late Sons birthday was the same day as mine last week. So perhaps you remembered that one!! This is my eldest Sons day.xxx

Wyllow So sorry for you having to re- live so.e upsetting times with ex.
Oh I do hope you get sorted with some antibiotics for the Cystitis if infection. Its not possible to ' flush' it out with fluids if its got a hold.
*Scaredycat' Once again your posts to us all so thoughtful. Thankyou. Your son's birthday seems to have come round very quickly again.
HVDY You are good at keeping up the Aqua-aerobics. I need to give Rheumatologist a nudge about promised physio for Fibro. Hope the brunch was good.
Doodle Thankyou. Hope you've seen some friends today.

Sorry, short post. Been awful day with Fibro pain- hardly manage to lift kettle this morning. Took medication then MH worker rang unexpectedly and had a very emotional tearful call so head bursting at present.
Take care of yourselves everyone. Each one of you is so valuable to yourselves and each other.x

ScaredyCat The bedroom is done now, although I need to get some pictures to go on the wall. Jaffa stayed with me last night, although he had the option of sleeping with his dad . We haven't hot an airing cupboard now, but it's always good to have sort out of things. Hope you've had a good day today.

Wyllow3 Did you get a call from the GP? Cystitis is horrible - did you get a prescription?

How has everyone been? I did aqua, had brunch at the pub, then some housework. DH has gone out with Son1, so I'm going to see what I can watch on tv. We watched a good drama called Coldwater - lots of violence and swearing, but it was really gripping. Love to all x

Oh yes the garden. I want to go to bed just hope the Doc call will wake me up if its next to my ear.