Am I too old for Therapy?

Update and thanks. I have been having remote therapy for some years initially started by the difficulty I felt in feeling that I had to, and wanted to, support a father with whom I had had a very difficult relationship and a brother with MS with whom I had never really shared much love or indeed desire for company, when what I really wanted to do was to use my retirement to travel, move to france, and enjoy life with my DH. Dad died last year, and, as with the last 10 years of looking after him, I find myself constantly thinking of the past, of our family, and family history…he was ver interested in this. I feel as if his thoughts and experiences are very important and need to be preserved and enhanced and this is preventing me from moving forward with my life. Then I recalled a contributor to this thread advising the writer to write down her experiences, and thought, ´that’s what I need to do’. So thank you. Perhaps a way to finally be free from this constant regression. Wish me luck!

Granatlast007, I am so sorry that you have been through this, it must be awful. However, it may have been that at some point in time you would have had those memories triggered and been in an even worse place. Therapy or not those events were there to spring out at you; it is often what happens. I have found the Me Too movement has opened up a Pandora's box of feelings which I thought had long since been worked through. I try hard to practice mindfulness to get me through the worst times. Those feelings will never, ever fully go away and the best you can do is try to find a way through. It does get better with practise...so I'm told.

For the therapists who are heartily endorsing therapy, and others the same, I would like some answers to my question, supposing therapy has made things worse?

I had a difficult childhood, parents dying young and having to manage on my own in life with quite a few problems as a young person. However, I did a degree, found a nice husband, had 3 daughters who've turned out fine, and I've been anxious and occasionally had difficult friendships but would have said I was OK.

Retired, started some couples counselling for minor difficulties and up popped a groping uncle and grief about my father who died when I was 6. It's ended up as 4 years or so of counselling, including EMDR and I feel terrible about myself and my life.

I'm not going into any more details but yes, the therapy was some help but I've been left with feelings from the past, triggers as they're called now which occasionally bring me to tears. I don't think this would have happened before. Therapy is so very expensive, £80-100 an hour where I am, I can't afford anymore and I'm tired of it and more unhappy than I was.

What's the answer, please don't say more therapy!

I'm a psychotherapist but now tend to practice more person centred counselling because I think people benefit from being heard, telling their story, and having time with someone attuned to them. We all tend to know what we should do if we use our intuition, intellect, and instincts... I just follow the client while she does it.

It's less about the type of therapy and more about the therapist ultimately.

Milsa

How a GP can help someone with processing personal memory content. More likely they'll drug you and put on a file that you're not capable anymore. Be careful and find highly trained professional

That just isn't true. They will give you the link to self refer to talking therapy which is a 6 week programme.

How a GP can help someone with processing personal memory content. More likely they'll drug you and put on a file that you're not capable anymore. Be careful and find highly trained professional

I think a therapist would be very helpful but it needs to be the right therapist. If you feel a good rapport and trust them it will be easier and more productive.

I have don't EMDR and found that helpful for trauma but therapy that allows role play and for you to talk to your child self might also help. I can't recall the name of that type of therapy sorry.

UKCP is the website to choose a therapist on. I am 66 and am having therapy over family stuff.

Good luck.

Coolcoco, never too old for talking therapy, if you can afford it.

Get the best you can afford.

I agree with others that it is never too late to see a therapist. It is very important to find the right person for you. They must of course be qualified and good at their job, but it is such a personal thing that you need to feel able to relax and be honest with this person, who you are entrusting with very important information about yourself and your life. So therapists understand this and if the first person you find just does not feel right for you then look for another one. They will understand.

I had to have a woman therapist, because some very significant things involving men, meant that I could not trust myself to discuss properly things with a man and there was a tension, where I felt that - as happened in the past - when you tell someone very serious things you actually give them the opportunity to use this information to hurt you or make you feel very vunerable. So even when I found a very suitable woman, extremely good at her job, I still took some weeks before I could actually speak about the root matters. You can never deal with something if you are not able to actually look at it and speak about it. So I am 80 now, and I have had to control things for many years and keep things hidden, but I think there comes a point where you cannot hold it down any longer without it causing you stress and pain. I thought of it like leaning against a door, not allowing it to open, but as I have got a lot older, dont have the strength to keep that door shut, and when things are difficult in other areas it then it can open and allow things to arise in your mind. Therapy has eventually allowed me to look at something and find a way to cope a bit better. I do not think it will ever stop being a painful and difficult subject , but therapy has given me at least some tools and ways to deal with it , rather than just be back in terrible dreams etc etc. The greatest thing now is that all the effort and stress that I was using to keep that door shut, can be used to deal with the actual problems, and I genuinly feel less stressed in general - so less tiring - and when things get difficult I do now have a few things that I can use to try and improve things.

I would also suggest that you do not discuss the things with family members or friends, as I see therapy as quite hard work and to work with an expert in this field, is much more likely to get results. But there may be a situation where you have started to open up about something and then feel that you cannot go on at that time. A professional counsellor will be able to help you make decisions that will improve your life. Talking to friends or family, you will have opened up about something that you feel very vunerable about, and then can feel upset or worried that they now know much more about you than you feel happy with.

The fact that you are asking about this, to me , is showing that over time you have come to a point where you are ready to make a change or at least look at this, so you are now receptive to accepting help. So I would go ahead, find out as much as you can about the various people who may be available to you. My only lasting regret is that I did not do it years ago. There are very hard times when I absolutely did not want to go to a session, to have felt incredibly vunerable and almost sick at the thought of finally speaking about something, but I struggled on and am so glad that I did. I hope you find the right person for you and are able to move on. I think it would be good if you looked about to see what and who are available. Then if ou get some sessions booked, you could tell your husband that for various reasons you have felt the need for counselling, and have now arranged to have this help. That (assuming he is not part of the problem) you just want him to know you are doing this , that he is not part of the reason and that if and when you feel able , you might in the future , be able to talk to him about this situation. In the meantime , whilst it may be hard at times during this hard work - which is what it is for you - the end result will definitely not worse than you are now, but extremely likely to improve things for you and then also for you both . I wish you all the best and hope you will be able to believe that you are worth giving this help to and that it will eventually improve your life.

Hi CoolCoco - you are not too old to explore your childhood and how this has influenced your life. I'm a psychotherapist in my 70s and my oldest client was 90+ and told me that he wished he'd had the courage to deal with a teenage event decades earlier but had been scared of doing so. Look for a mature psychotherapist with enough life experience to stand with you in your journey and as a start go to Psychology Today or the BACP website. Be sure what you want - if you have a recurring thought that you want to banish then some CBT might be of help, but in my opinion you need an integrative therapist who can adopt a psychodynamic approach whilst retaining a person-centred outlook and personally I would suggest someone with an existential leaning because whatever you discuss you will be contemplating how your identity is affected by what you're learning from the childhood memories of your siblings. Please do not listen to comments such as "psychotherapists are this, that or the other". Counselling and psychotherapy is regulated in the UK and all therapists operate in a professional way. Give it a try and be honest with whoever you choose to work with.

Littlebea02

I certainly was touched by what I read from you I am a member as you know a grands net I am also a family counselor and what you have described is not new to me and I would strongly encourage you to sit with a Counsellor first see if you can see a relationship there and talk about this because traumatic events in childhood affect how we are today we cannot change them however recognizing them discussing them to be confidentially can be extremely healing-you cannot change the past that is a true thing however you can only discuss it where appropriate and that is what counseling is all about and it is so very beneficial in my experience. Take care of yourself

Maybe you should take a breath??

I am a psychotherapeutic counsellor, and I say with confidence that you are not too old for therapy. My oldest client currently is 92...
There are many low cost or free options available, but they are usually time-limited. Googling the services locally would give you a fair idea. Private therapy is limited only by your pocket and your desire to keep going. It can take a while to trust a therapist enough to reveal the things you have hinted at, and a further while to explore them and come to terms with them; but it can help you to process the feelings and their impact in ways that nothing else can.
There are two registration bodies in the UK, the BACP and the UKCP. Please check that anyone you find online is registered with one of them - "Counsellor" is unfortunately not a protected description, anyone can use it.
I hope you find some peace and resolution.

I certainly was touched by what I read from you I am a member as you know a grands net I am also a family counselor and what you have described is not new to me and I would strongly encourage you to sit with a Counsellor first see if you can see a relationship there and talk about this because traumatic events in childhood affect how we are today we cannot change them however recognizing them discussing them to be confidentially can be extremely healing-you cannot change the past that is a true thing however you can only discuss it where appropriate and that is what counseling is all about and it is so very beneficial in my experience. Take care of yourself

I think one of the first things to do is to share your memories with your husband, explaining to him that your brother’s book had reignited paths to these memories that had been buried for all these years. Then I would go to your GP for direction as to what type of therapy/support would be appropriate for you

I hope you find something to help you op

OP you are not too old for therapy. However, as a starting point even before you find a therapist remember -:

"You have already Survived" whatever happened in childhood.

So as your childhood memories surface there are a few relevant things to remind yourself, in no particular order - The Child YOU didn't have the grown up you (the person with your life experience and the Power)

to protect that child,

to comfort that child,

to advice and guide that child through whatever happend.

Now you have a You with much more understanding as well as being in a better position in your life to Protect and Care for your Pain, Sadness and any other uncomfortable emotions that you are experiencing.

It can be very uncomfortable when past events bring distress.

Not many 10/11 ish young people have the life skills and life experience to deal with events in the way that and Adult can, and if you are a parent/ GP that comes with even more life skills and experience.

So by all means use BACP or your GP to find a therapist and in the mean time have a good look at what you yourself have NOW that the 10/11 yr old you didn't have to help you.

Some one suggested writing things down, not always a bad idea but no always a good one either.

As a starting place ask yourself if writing about your childhood from 10 ish onwards would bring you more Pain or more Insight/Memories. If it's memories and you feel able to deal with them then write but if you're not sure you want to deal with strong emotions Right Now then leave the writing for now or there it may never be the right thing for you.

You have a CHOCE.

Often what has caused us as children to feel trauma/distress is that we as children Did Not Have a CHOICE.

Please think about whatever feels the most caring for you right now and go forward with that.

As the days pass you can always CHANGE Your Mind about what you DO to take care of yourself.

One of the advantages of age is we have more Power to change our minds, we have Choices that our Child self didn't have. Use your Choice to give yourself the best care you can whatever that turns out to be.

Earthmother9

Coolcoco, I had therapy late in life and wished I had'nt, therapists are very good at opening doors but they never tell you how to close them. Whatever happens in your life, happens and can't be changed and to my mind it's best left where it is, no good can come of bring it out. I had my therapy and the result was the loss of everything I had put my life into. When those doors opened all hell was let loose. Leave it be my dear and let the past stay where it is......in the past.

Earthmother9 you have my sympathies.
I some ways, I found therapy helpful but it really depends what the issues are /we're and the skill of the therapist /counsellor.
Some people are damaged by therapy and it's important to find a therapist trained and recognised by a reliable, professional body.
Once you have opened the door, as you say, you can't close it or forget what has come back into focus. Take the time to consider carefully OP and perhaps speak to your GP.

I don’t think anyone is ever too old for therapy. In fact I would highly recommend it. For trauma that is being triggered by past traumatic events I recommend EMDR. It removes the trauma that is still trapped in the body. It is often used for soldiers who come back traumatised from war zones as well as individuals like yourself. In my experience talking therapies can help to some extent but they can’t actually clear your nervous system. You can look it up online. There is also somatic therapy which is working with the bodys memories.
But see if you can open up to a trusted friend ,priest etc. someone who can listen and hear and doesn’t say,” let it go, it was in the past. Or why are you dragging this stuff up”.
There is a lot of help available, alas most of it is private and not in the NHS.
I hope you can find some peace

Clearly this memory is upsetting you. If you feel therapy will help then you should. Because it came from a specific event, please try EMDR. For trauma caused by specific events this can be a quick and successful way to get past it.

You are not to old for therapy and if it was a really traumatic event, you could be suffering with PTSD; symptoms can come on years after the event. It is certainly better to get help for this rather than sweeping it under the carpet. As you don't say what type of event it was, it is difficult to point you in the right directions but I expect you can Google it.

Definitely have some counselling or therapy - it can be life changing and you are never too old 😘

Thank you yogitree . Love your name .

As a retired therapist I agree with TwiceAsNice.

I don't think it is an age issue but do you want to revisit the trauma? or do you want to know how to lock the memory away ?