Mum looseentemper with dad with dementia

We moved to be very close to my mother when she had dementia. I remember going round to see her for the fourth time in one day and a neighbour of hers said that my mum had come out looking for me as she hadn't seen me for so long. When it came to me crying uncontrollably, my OH said it was either my mum or him. He had had enough. He had been very good, taking her dinner round to her every evening. She thought he was wonderful as he brought her all that food!
We looked round homes and she tried one out for a day and it seemed to be good. After a while she decided that she wanted to go home. She did not know that it had been sold to pay for her care.

This is so hard. And confirms my decision, in case this happens to me.

The help is not for him at this stage Tara, but for her. Yes she needs advice and the support of her group. But also she needs help put in place to give her a break so that she can have time to herself, to meet with friends without worrying, to enjoy the things she has always enjoyed with feeling guilty or responsible.

This means that she needs other to take on the responsibility of ensuring your father is safe and content.

This may be family or a paid companion to sit or walk with him, or organised sessions for your father to attend. They need to happen now to meet her needs.

It’s all to easy for the ill persons needs to be constantly assessed and the carers needs to judged by that - as in he’s not too bad at the moment.

The earlier a Carer gets help with their caring role and an insight into how to help a person with dementia, the better.

Lots of places run Carer's courses specific to dementia and participants meet othe people in a similar situation which is a huge help.

Witzend's suggestion of Talking Point is brilliant if she is ok with IT. And you might find it useful too, Tarath. It's good talk to others who might understand.

Tararh

Funnily, I think it will be better at a later stage as she won't have to care for him. He is still early stage and capable of pottering about going for walks etc. He is still physically active and to look at looks fine.

It's almost too early for help in a way as he isn't far gone enough.

It's not to early for advice. She needs help and advice to understand what she is dealing with and she needs support to be open to the advice as well

Tararh

Thanks for all the messages. She says he isn't willing to 'adapt' but I don't think he's actually capable of this. This is baggage from other situations where he has been less than perfect. It's so tense. I just need to tow the line between them. I think she thinks that I am not confronting his issues and I should be hammering home how hard this is on her to him. But the truth is there is no point. He can't process this or remember.

She clearly does not understand the nature of dementia. She needs direct advice and support from Alzheimers.co.uk or other dementia websites. She urgently needs to learn about dementia and how to manage someone with dementia. She also needs support for her own shock and fear in order to accept that she cannot expect what she used to be able to expect from him plus planning her own life alongside her care of him. 💐

Oh yes. Do get him to have you and your mum as both finance and health and wellbeing attornies while he is still of sound mind. If that is the case.
And you for your mum as well. My daughter and I were shocked at how little say in my DHs hospital treatment we had as we did not hold POA

Tararh, I was wondering if your mother especially fears that her husband is not able to look after his own fianances. This must be worrying if the have share bank accounts and passwords.

Is your mother capable of holding a power of attorney? Can you advise him to apply for power of attorney to be held on his behalf by a trustworthy person?

Since the poor man may no longer trust her perhaps the power should be held by a lawyer, or by yourself?

Funnily, I think it will be better at a later stage as she won't have to care for him. He is still early stage and capable of pottering about going for walks etc. He is still physically active and to look at looks fine.

It's almost too early for help in a way as he isn't far gone enough.

We'd rather sanitise the symptoms of dementia as "anxiety, depression, withdrawal, memory loss, disinhibition, irrational fears " and hope the neighbours can't hear what's really going on when sundown syndrome kicks in.

Regardless of that, dementia is not a form of insanity. Most dementias have physical causes - not mental.

Pably15 is correct. There is no point in arguing , been there done that! It has left me distraught and emotionally drained and takes me an age to recover. My DH of course has completely forgotten about it! He is OK and I am shattered.
The best solution is to agree , I find myself saying " of course you are correct, its me that has made a mistake " it is not easy to do but far better for my mental health! I have finally realised that even when he seems ok - he's not!.
Physically he is a fit man and I am thankful for that. We are a long way from needing a care home, Alzheimers is a progressive disease and I am under no illusion as to what the future holds. However, if caring becomes detrimental to my health I am prepared to give the idea of a nursing home serious consideration. It has crossed my mind that I should start looking now rather than when I reach crisis point. We have been married 51 years and my heart aches for my husband. Dementia is taking a tiny part of him away each day
and it scares me. So Tararh I understand your Mums fear. I recognise how hard this must be as you live in France and hope you have a sibling or friend who can support you. Dementia affects the whole family it's progression is relentless. I do appreciate the good
days, something as simple as going out for an ice cream or a garden centre visit is beneficial. Overseas holidays are now out of the question! I am sad and my DHs life is shrinking - unfortunately so is mine. I live in fear of being ill / in hospital . We are so fortunate in having
' children ' who are not too far away , but I try not to be needy!
Good luck on this lonely journey.

kittylester

*butterandjam*, the OP's father is not insane.

These days, we never call any mind problems "insanity ".

We'd rather sanitise the symptoms of dementia as "anxiety, depression, withdrawal, memory loss, disinhibition, irrational fears " and hope the neighbours can't hear what's really going on when sundown syndrome kicks in.

Having dementia does not equate to insanity Butterjam

Please get help for your mum she’s not managing and it will not only harm her but your dad too they need professional intervention

Not everyone is cut out to be a carer. If this health issue is after a less than perfect marriage then maybe your mother isn’t in a position to cope. No blame, but I would consider a care home for both their sakes. I hope you find a solution that works for everyone.

'TBH, though, when it’s just getting too much for a carer - getting so stressed and exhausted with it all - it’s maybe time to think of a care home. '

I was just about to write the same thing. This is tough, very- my heart goes out to you all. We have had several very similar situations in our close family.

butterandjam, the OP's father is not insane.

Tararh

Thanks for all the messages. She says he isn't willing to 'adapt' but I don't think he's actually capable of this. This is baggage from other situations where he has been less than perfect. It's so tense. I just need to tow the line between them. I think she thinks that I am not confronting his issues and I should be hammering home how hard this is on her to him. But the truth is there is no point. He can't process this or remember.

You seem to have a good understanding of the situation.

There is a saying that we try to drill home on our Carer's Courses which 'Connect not Correct'.

But also remember that your mum is only human. Have they applied for Attendance Allowance? Making her life easier in other areas might help her to cope with your father.

Your mum might find the Talking Point forum on the Alzh. Society website very helpful. TBH it was a lifeline for me for too many years of both FiL and my mother having dementia.

Whatever you’re going through, someone will know exactly what it’s like, and there may be some very helpful advice.

TBH, though, when it’s just getting too much for a carer - getting so stressed and exhausted with it all - it’s maybe time to think of a care home.

You could send her off on a respite break for a week and take over his fulltime care while she gets some sleep and peace.
By the time she gets back you'll understand why she's being driven insane by his insanity. It's not his fault; it's not hers either.

If they live alone , sooner or later he WILL need to go into 24-hour care. Start looking now.

I think this is a really common scenario and I think you know all the things we are all going to tell you. Your Mum is grieving in a way. It's good she attends a support group.

This must be so difficult for you too, being so far away

Just be kind to yourself

I am so sorry that you’re experiencing this and for the difficulties for your parents.
Part of me thinks your mum might have an element of dementia too….had you considered that?
I know from experience that patience and tolerance is vital when coping with loved ones who have dementia……if my dad said the sky was pink I’d say ‘is it dad, I hadn’t noticed’ rather than correcting him and saying otherwise.
Could your dad attend a day centre to give them both some space for a few hours? Perhaps encourage mum to see her own doctor to get her checked over too.
Sending supportive hugs to all three of you 💐💐💐

Would it help to show your Mum tbis thread and all the helpful and sympathetic answers?

I think your mum sounds at the end of her tether and that to give her advice on how she should learn to cope better is as wrong as expecting your dad to change his behaviour.

When Carers reach the end of what they can deal with that’s as valid a need as that of the person who is being cared for.

What’s needed now is really practical help. She needs the respite care. To get right away for at least a week . When you are there that’s her opportunity to be away.

And while she is away other practical support needs to be put in place. As others have said, day care for your dad, other care to come in so that she can get out for short periods, possibly care at night because she probably hasn’t had a good nights sleep for ages.

Your dad seems ok in his world at the moment. It’s your mum who is at breaking point.

We were extremely lucky in one respect, that my dad didn’t speak much, that we managed between mum & I to look after him. I said to mum we wouldn’t have coped him he had kept repeating himself.
My friend has early onset Alzheimer’s 59, I visit, she will ask the same question over & over. .so imagine putting up with that day in, day out 😩 Her husband has had to give up work to look after her. It’s taking its toll on his MH 😔 as friends & family don’t visit as much. Very sad.

I forgot to mention dementia cafes in most areas where carers take their partner and meet others in similar situations.