Mum looseentemper with dad with dementia

If you can, give her a big hug and repeat your last sentence to her. They must both be terrified about what is happening to them. Try to gently explain to her how frightened he is and that if she shouts or belittles him that will upset him even further and he will become more confused, it becomes a vicious circle. She needs time away from him if you can manage it. Can she have respite care when she goes home? The best thing you can do is show your love to both of them, but I really feel for you, it is a heart breaking situation.

Did they have good relationship before? Dementia can take its toll on the care giver. There is no point in keeping repeating stuff over & over, or correcting him, it just saps ones energy. She’s better just letting it go.
Your dad will only get worse as time goes on. She needs to accept this.
Best thing is to start getting some help/ age Uk/ social services to be accessed for care package when the time comes. Also hospice are good, your local hospice might offer dementia day care.
Sounds like he’s not that far down the line yet, but worth helping her get all the info now. Maybe family or friends might offer your mum a couple of hours, here & there, so that your mum has a bit of free time to her self, even if it a bit of shopping. Good luck.

Sympathies, but you're stuck in a cleft stick alright. You want to show solidarity with your Mum but, I agree, don't want to comply with her request to "back her up" against Dad. He would only feel more intimidated.

If Mum feels he's being manipulative and knows what he's doing then she sounds in denial out of sheer desperation. Who wouldn't in this situation? She sounds as if she needs more than just a sympathetic support group, but I don't know what.

This is one for her GP. Sorry I can't be of more help.

Sounds like your mum is suffering from 'Carer Strain' and is concerned for the future.

Try telling her that once a memory has gone, it's gone. A good idea would be to get her to contact Admiral Nurses who can sign post her to other agencies who might be able to help her. Are they claiming all the benefits available - that might enable her to buy in help - a cleaner, a sitting service etc.

www.dementiauk.org/information-and-support/how-we-can-support-you/what-is-an-admiral-nurse/

Link to Admiral Nurses

In the context of a previously troubled relationship this must feel like the last straw for your mum.
I do not envy you this tightrope you are walking trying to support both.

They need professional help and professional intervention
Telling either of them anything, is not going to change the situation Mum needs to hear it professionally and learn coping strategies and they both need some time apart in the day
While you are here go to the GP with Mum and explain the situation from how you know it is (not how she sees it) The doctor should then set up a home visit from a social worker once that’s in place all sorts of things will open up including possibilities if respite care for Dad and maybe a day centre once or twice a week and help in the home to give mum an hour or two off
In the meantime are there brothers sisters other family who could help to take dad out for an hour or two or sit with dad while mum goes out get her hair done, window shop, just a walk etc it’s the day in day out intensity killing their love (if they had any)
Also contact the charities age concern Alzheimer’s etc etc they give lots of advice and help too
Good luck it’s a horrendous illness I had four years looking after my much adored Nan and then 7 years with my mum
(I’m an only child)
You and your mum need lots of professional help but it won’t come to you you have to set the ball rolling

Your Mum is grieving the " loss " of her husband. Even though their relationship may not have previously been good he was there! She is frightened for the future, worried she will not cope as he deteriorates- it is a very very lonely place
to be. I know I am in her situation. I try to let it wash over me and know it is hard but my strategy is to simply agree tell him he is ' correct ' then remove myself from the situation. For me the memory loss, losing things, forgetting why / when / where we are going is not the most difficult. The most difficult issues to accept are his poor judgement, false beliefs , and pre occupation with the cost of things. He gets a bee in his bonnet and nothing I say will make him
understand! I looked after my Mum when she had dementia but caring for my DH is far worse! I do hope your Mum can learn to ' walk away' No amount of arguing with him will work because he is ' always right' . If she can accept that and and give in , her life will be just a little easier. She has my greatest empathy , it is a living nightmare.
My great anxiety is that family and neighbours will think I am exaggerating because he manages social chit chat well, but any thought process that requires a cognitive skill is a very different matter!!
Admiral nurses are very understanding and your Mum may benefit from contacting them . Your Mum feels she wants to shake him and get him to stop his nonsense- I get that but that strategy will NEVER work. You are there for your Mum and that is a great strength to her.
The diagnosis is given and in a very short space of time the world has changed and it is a frightening place for the carer to be in. My thoughts are with everyone in this position.

Your mother is as demented by fear as your father is by dementia, and, in her way, as incapable of rational thought on this subject as he is.

I think you should contact social services because it is clear that this situation is only going to get worse to the disadvantage of both parents.

You could also contact The Alzheimer's Society. Here is a link to their Dementia support page www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support They may well be able to give you the informed advice you need and guide you to the help that is clearly needed.

Has your Mum got any reading material to help her understand the right way to be around her DH? She definitely needs it and there’s plenty out there, so buy her a couple of books?
Is it possible for you to relocate near to her to be of help? It’s a lot for your Mum to manage on her own and she will feel overwhelmed at times.

I found Alzheimers society very helpful with my mum. They had a day centre not too far away and transport was arranged. Her problem bring on her own , was remembering to be ready.
It dies not help to argue with someone with dementia they don’t understand and it causes stress to both parties. I always found it kinder to agree with what mum said and change the subject.
It is very hard on the carer so if your dad coukd have. A Day away or someone coming to keep him company or both would help her.
Have you checked if there is a Carers support group nearby .?
It’s a hard road to travel and I feel for you all.

Sometimes it’s hard for people to understand that the person isn’t being wilfully difficult - they CANNOT remember things.

I well remember my BiL (visiting my Dm with my sister) getting very irritated with DM constantly saying, ‘Anything I can do?’ to sister who was cooking the dinner.

He really snapped at her - ‘Stop hassling her!’ He just didn’t understand, so I gently put him straight.

Maybe it’s worth reiterating to your mother, but I do have sympathy - even when you know they can’t help it, it can drive you mad. I well remember my FiL asking the same question 35 times in one hour - yes, I did once count!

your mum might be in denial, it's hard to take in when you're told that the person you love has dementia, when it's any other illness there always a chance of treatment ,and they will get better, not so with dementia. my O.H. is in his 4th year with Alzheimers,and I have to admit, he's not been too bad, he was given Donepezil which slows it down a bit, it only works for Alzheimers, not for any other dementia, Its very frustrating when you have to repeat everything, but the PWD really can't help it , instead of arguing it's better to walk away and take 10 minutes by yourself, because he will have forgotten about it by then, I.ve argued and shouted and I've cried because I've shouted at him, and that stays with me all day while he's forgotten about it five minutes later, so arguing does no good. better just agreeing and try to change the subject. your mum does need to have some time for herself. are there any places where your dad could go for a couple of hours, like a mens shed, or a club for people with dementia, maybe your gp or mental health nurse would have information , hope you get something sorted...

Thanks for all the messages. She says he isn't willing to 'adapt' but I don't think he's actually capable of this. This is baggage from other situations where he has been less than perfect. It's so tense. I just need to tow the line between them. I think she thinks that I am not confronting his issues and I should be hammering home how hard this is on her to him. But the truth is there is no point. He can't process this or remember.

I really feel for all of you as you will each be having your own personal struggles around this which I know from being the carer when my mum had dementia. A previous poster is right - you have to actively search for any help which is completely wrong. Having spoken to mum's gp, they did a referral to social services which resulted in mum having someone come in daily to help get her dressed, fed etc. That didn't last long as mum refused to allow strangers in but by the same token, would let in doorstep salespeople and give them tea and sandwiches. Luckily I found a dementia daycare centre and she loved it. It also gave me much needed respite as her carer. I would thoroughly recommend that you look into that as we both benefited from it and so would your mum. The daycare centre charged a daily fee but it was well worth it and it came out of her carers allowance. Not sure if there are payment exemptions in certain circumstances. Does your mum or dad claim claim attendance allowance? It's not means tested. Unfortunately the situation will only get worse, to the point that they can forget who you are (as in my case) which can be very upsetting. The progression of this horrible, horrible illness can vary so prepare yourself to see decline in your father each time you visit. It sounds like you are a very caring and sensible daughter and I send huge hugs to you and anyone else going through this.

Tararh...that's it exactly...he's not able to adapt.

I forgot to mention dementia cafes in most areas where carers take their partner and meet others in similar situations.

We were extremely lucky in one respect, that my dad didn’t speak much, that we managed between mum & I to look after him. I said to mum we wouldn’t have coped him he had kept repeating himself.
My friend has early onset Alzheimer’s 59, I visit, she will ask the same question over & over. .so imagine putting up with that day in, day out 😩 Her husband has had to give up work to look after her. It’s taking its toll on his MH 😔 as friends & family don’t visit as much. Very sad.

I think your mum sounds at the end of her tether and that to give her advice on how she should learn to cope better is as wrong as expecting your dad to change his behaviour.

When Carers reach the end of what they can deal with that’s as valid a need as that of the person who is being cared for.

What’s needed now is really practical help. She needs the respite care. To get right away for at least a week . When you are there that’s her opportunity to be away.

And while she is away other practical support needs to be put in place. As others have said, day care for your dad, other care to come in so that she can get out for short periods, possibly care at night because she probably hasn’t had a good nights sleep for ages.

Your dad seems ok in his world at the moment. It’s your mum who is at breaking point.

Would it help to show your Mum tbis thread and all the helpful and sympathetic answers?

I am so sorry that you’re experiencing this and for the difficulties for your parents.
Part of me thinks your mum might have an element of dementia too….had you considered that?
I know from experience that patience and tolerance is vital when coping with loved ones who have dementia……if my dad said the sky was pink I’d say ‘is it dad, I hadn’t noticed’ rather than correcting him and saying otherwise.
Could your dad attend a day centre to give them both some space for a few hours? Perhaps encourage mum to see her own doctor to get her checked over too.
Sending supportive hugs to all three of you 💐💐💐

I think this is a really common scenario and I think you know all the things we are all going to tell you. Your Mum is grieving in a way. It's good she attends a support group.

This must be so difficult for you too, being so far away

Just be kind to yourself

You could send her off on a respite break for a week and take over his fulltime care while she gets some sleep and peace.
By the time she gets back you'll understand why she's being driven insane by his insanity. It's not his fault; it's not hers either.

If they live alone , sooner or later he WILL need to go into 24-hour care. Start looking now.

Your mum might find the Talking Point forum on the Alzh. Society website very helpful. TBH it was a lifeline for me for too many years of both FiL and my mother having dementia.

Whatever you’re going through, someone will know exactly what it’s like, and there may be some very helpful advice.

TBH, though, when it’s just getting too much for a carer - getting so stressed and exhausted with it all - it’s maybe time to think of a care home.