Black Dogs 27

Doodle lovely day for that walk and talk, and I hope the sun streaming in for the cafe.

When I was very depressed indeed I did force a social smile going out and about at times. I looked pretty grim, no haircuts, hardly managed to wash myself or do my teeth, forced showers weekly... I hated my body and found it hard to do anything but read or post on politics to keep the no point in life feelings away or care about my family or anything..... or believe they cared for me...the worse I have been since 2006 really. So different now till MrA, I know it wont stop my better state but its making it so hard.

(I do believe however that some sort of pride in forcing not a smile but a less grim expression helped a bit not pretending with friends but out in the world at large - things are bad enough without negative feedback as in "you look weird")

It was actually very difficult talking to the two women I did today. They care, they think what MrS did was very bad, but Quaker ways are long winded and there was a definite unwillingness with one - it shook her up, its a lot of responsibility....

MrS is not a monster .... widowed etc, liked for this and that and it takes a lot of time and energy and pain and conflict for them to all talk to each other and it will have to go "up the food chain"

But he was and is a monster to me and in their hearts they know it's completely not acceptable as he has had warnings in the past.

I had to deliberately remind them both that Quaker Safeguarding policy actually demands that if an offence has taken place then it HAS to be reported to the police - yes - its that strong,

so then it comes down to definition of offence and people not wanting MrS at 86 to be hauled up - neither do I - I want him to realise he committed an offence in law, to stop him in his tracks big time, and for everyone to be aware an offence has taken place in our area without actually of course naming him.

Frankly, too bad if people put two and two together.

You are doing all the right things HVDY. It may be with all that support she gets through in her own way, but I do worry that school isnt a haven for her, well feel sad about that, so yes, keep looking x

Had a cry tonight, it feels an impossible situation - I'm making other Quakers have to make all these complex moves and the conflicts it raises inside them.

It wouldn't have gone down well if I had gone to the police
It's not going well putting such complex dilemmas to already busy people.

The pressure (in my head) to say, oh things are OK as they are is immense. I felt it from one of the two people.

But I'd like to see him and rip him to shreds with my words. "do you realise what strain you are putting on everyone you MC Pig. Tearing me apart. 😢

its strange tho - it cam out of watching the last Downton Abbey film (which I loved) but I recall in the good days watching it with Ex before it got bad.

2010 - thats when the series begun. Could it really have been that long ago?

I realised what was really bothering me.
the letter I got from MrA was in fact not a proper apology but an "Im sorry if I upset you
Rather than "what I did was wrong".
so at 2am have written it out to go up to the top not bother people in my meeting anymore. 😡

sorry this is all me me me but I'll report the outcome: my analysis of the letter once I'd let things work through in my mind not only revealed the "I'm sorry if"

but also a veiled accusation that because he let me hug him when he visited me (normal occurrence between some Quakers) I was giving him the hint I fancied him 😡

sp all went in the letter. And although I'm chatting to the two main people in our meeting after meeting tomorrow, I am resolved the only way forwards is up the food chain to Area or national Safeguarding appointees.

its sunny here: up late, and not going out yesterday, its the gym for me in while when its gone nice and quiet. In a way I;d like a walk (you handy, Ellie Anne?) but want company and a friendly cafe.

Wyllow I would love that !

Me too. PM me if you are in S Yorks.

Off to yoga/stretch/natters.

Hi all
Wyllow- glad you and Sis are friends again. You,ll never agree about everything but you love each other and nothing is worth a fall out. My Sis and I are poles apart in almost every thing but she means the world to me and vice versa.
Mr A sounds a pretty insensitive and thoughtless man with those words “I,m sorry IF” . You need a sincere apology with proper meaning and remorseful understanding. You must do what makes you feel the most comfortable and understood. Then put it out of your mind and look forward to your family get together soon.
I,d walk with you and EllieAnne Anne too but it’s a bit far😩
Doodle- the prayer shawls sound the most lovely idea. They must mean so much to people when they need to feel someone cares.
I had a chat with my friend yesterday but didn’t see her as she had been able to stay with her DH a good while and they had lunch together in his room.
Yes I hope we get our furry companion soon.
Sounds like yesterday was a nice full one for you. We went to a shopping centre in the morning and then had a big clear out of paperwork and stuff trying to take over the house! Not fun but necessary.
EllieAnne- Well done with the hairdresser - I know you don’t like going. Have you got long or short hair?
There’s nothing wrong with your face- it’s stupid non thinking people who think it’s clever to say those things. It’s funny sometimes but not when you’re sensitive and on the receiving end. Don’t let one persons careless words spoil your Fridays.
SweetPeaSue- Glad you felt better but such a shame your trip out was cut short as DH felt unwell again. Does the spray work quickly to relieve his symptoms? Friday is getting nearer but it must seem like eternity to you both.
Hope the car gets sorted - everything is so expensive now isn’t it.
HVDY- everything you write about your GD1 mother makes me dislike her more. That poor girl has so much to contend with and yet sounds kind and selfless. You and your DH are one of the constants she can rely on- she must love you very much. You are always there for your family. That mother of hers should be ashamed- she’s cruel to her daughter and to the animals. Obviously her mother is not much better either.

Something nice happened today.A few days ago a notice concerning a missing cat was popped through our door. A good description and phone number on it. Well, just after lunch today we went out to do a bit of gardening and the poor little thing was sitting by the hedge. She was shivering,crying and not able to move properly. She matched the description so I phoned and 5 minutes later a very happy family were reunited with her. Can’t tell you how happy we were for them. She had been missing since Tuesday!

Sending love to all - those above and those who we continue to miss. Readers too.

Aw, how wonderful, poor little thing.
I’m glad to hear that your friend was able to have lunch with her DH.

Have you had any nice DD coffees recently?

I’m in the cafe. I’ve done far too much weights wise. I shall pay for it later but OTOH lots of great natters.

Wyllow the nearest I’m likely to be is West Yorkshire!
I meet two people on a Friday but one wasn’t coming which left me with the one I’m upset with so I just said I couldn’t make it.
Glad the little cat got home.🐈
It’s been cold and windy here today so I didn’t go walking.
Son 1 needs to borrow a car and said he might come over tonight on his motor bike. I hate that thing.
Ordered birthday present for gd1 on Amazon. And Christmas present for gs. It’s a start. And I’ve said to both couples that they are welcome to come here at Christmas.
So we’ll see what happens.

A good start there, Ellie Anne Bit by bit. I suggest when you are heading this way you share where you are coming to via a PM, and we can mutually decide if it's possible. I'm always OK with "last minute stuff cropping up" as well, I allow myself that therefore it's reciprocal.

I've written The Letter to MrA: I've run it past my son, as in not being unreasonable or cruel.

It's strong, ie. no its wasn't an "over enthusiastic hug" it was an "uninvited assault" . Since he has been "warned before he cannot hug a women without her express permission, I've sent it up to Safeguarding". Risking (imagined) disapproval of other Quakers, but it's my truth.

Wyllow3 For anyone to say they're sorry the other person is upset means only that. It sounds as though the man doesn't believe he's done anything wrong (like so many men in similar situations). Glad you enjoyed the gym, but perhaps you'll acher tomorrow.

ScaredyCat GD's mum is the only person I really hate. Went there yesterday with our new, unused digital kitchen scales, so that I could weigh the kittens (they're tiny but today weigh 161g, 150, and 147, so they're gaining enough). I had to buy cat litter as the mother hadn't left any (useless). The other gran went yesterday - took GD to the pub 100 yards away, stayed an hour. How wonderful that the little cat was reunited with the owners! Poor thing must have been so cold and frightened for the past few days.

EllieAnne I didn't use to like my husband being out on his motorbikes (he's still got a large one in the shed), but I bet your son is an experienced and sensible rider. Warmer in a car! You've made a start with the Christmas presents -well done. I'm not doing anything yet.

How's everyone else been today? DH and I met Son2 and LG in the local park. Fed the ducks, had a cuppa, went on the playpark, then he bought us all a pub lunch before going back to his house. LG had a nap x

DoodleEllieAnne I share the same face too. Unless I smile I look miserable.
Some people are cruel or /and stupid to say such things EllieAnne Im glad you didnt share your time. with that lady on Friday as you dont need people like that.
Don't let her spoil your other Fridays when your other friend is there though.
Good to give an open invite for Christmas like that.
HVDY Hope you're feeling better now.
Naughty Jaffa keeps waking you early. You are such a caring grandparents to your troubled GD1 .
Wyllow Just dont know what to say to you about the Mr M problem. Its clear he overstepped the mark in a big way and should not be able to continue to force his 'hugs' on other females. Its your decision completely and I just hope it won't hinder your recovery.
Scaredycat How wonderful you could help with the lost cat and so strange it ended up in your garden when you are going to house one.
Doodle Hope youve had company today. Yes, DH does carry the spray around on him and it helps when its bad.

Sorry if I've not posted to you all very well. Im finding it so hard tonight.
My poor DH is 'getting it from all sides'.
Looking like his car is a right off( its the ABS thing that's gone- after replacing other stuff to find problem' v expensive to replace. Cruelly, I think DHs Polymyalgia has returned. Both shoulders/neck/arms/ hips/ hands in pain.
If he needs to go back on the steroids it will make surgery more complicated.
Anyway , will call GP surgery on Monday and ask for the blood tests, CRP and ESR that measure inflammation to confirm.
Very depressed.

Wishing all a peaceful night and love to all and those who aren't in or just read.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

(Replacing deleted post)

Aw, that sounds a nice day, HVDY. Some fresh air (but it was chilly, want it?) Nice time with son there.

UN- believable, the barsteward. MrA returned my letter with

"Dear W, thankyou for your reply, in particular that you believe I did not mean to offend you.
Re the outcome , I will have to take it on the chin and take the consequences.
Yours also in friendship.
MrA

Only messed up my life (and concerned Quakers one who nearly pulled out - got too much agonising What to Do) for nearly a fortnight 😡

Ironically, on anther thread on GN right now there are some posts on Entitled Men. Well, I think it's time I met an unentitled one. My first marriage was to one, so they do exist 🙄

Scaredycat how lovely to hear your friend was able to be with her DH and they had lunch together. I hope that can be arranged for them more often.
Oh what a heartwarming story about the little cat. I often wonder if missing pets are found. How happy the family must be.
Wyllow I’m sorry for all the stress MrA is causing you. He really doesn’t seem to understand does he. Did you say you have written to someone higher up. Hope they can take an appropriate stance with him.
Good thing your son is on board and helping.
Dear Sweerpeasue will your trials never end. Poor Dh. Hope you can get to see the GP Monday. Does he have anything for the pain? No wonder you’re down it just seems never ending.
So sorry about the car too. Yet another worry.
Sending love and hugs to you both.
HVDY sounds like other gran isn’t much good either. Why only stay an hour. If that poor girl didn’t have you and her dad I wonder what she’d be doing. Glad the kittens are gaining weight.
Nice to have a visit from your son and Lg. Lunch out too. Does that mean no cooking tonight?
Ellie Anne good to make a start on Christmas. I’ve done that too. Got a few presents for the family. You’ve done a good thing by inviting both families for Christmas. At least you’ve made the effort.
Been really cold and windy here today.
Met a friend in town for lunch then went shopping. By the time I got home I was frozen. Church tomorrow. Looking forward to that.

Yes, I bet your were frozen to bits, Doodle.

Thinking of you and DH, Sweepteasue x

Quiet in here today, and very very cold outside..

At the end of our Quaker meeting (a lovely little one and a great chat afterwards) I met with the two meeting servants who are taking it further. I can no longer say a lot as it is very likely to go to the police. It's going up to the Safeguarding Level and whatever happens next, but as it is Requirement to report a crime it seems likely.

I feel angry and still disgusted at the man and by the man. My "the personal is political" self has risen to the occasion however and thats quite a strong thing for me to have to negotiate should it be the case.

I’m glad you went to Quakers Wyllow.
I went to church and sat with my friend and it was ok.
I’m sure she has no idea I was upset so I won’t say anything but if she does something like that again I will say it is hurtful.
It’s too wet and windy for a walk so I’m staying in and reading the latest Richard osman book and eating rubbish.
I’m going to phone dd and hope it goes ok.
Hope you are all ok today.

Doodle Thankyou for the hugs and your love. We're trying to be strong for each other. Hope you had a lovely morning at church. I know your faith is your rock and means so much.
EllieAnne You are being kind to see your friend and forgive the hurtful words , even if she didnt think before she said them. Not read any Richard Osman's books- are they good? Do hope the phone call to your DD went well and she's OK.
Wyllow Thankyou for your thoughts.
Glad the Quaker meeting went well and you had a good chat. Not sure what the order of things are , or levels or whatever but its good that you have the meetings with those who understand the seriousness of what's happened. It sounds like those in Quakers will give you full support.
Hope youve been OK * Scaredycat* and HVDY

I texted son 1 this morning , asked how they all were and told him DH isn't well and of his Angina diagnosis. He called me and he was very attentive and it was good to have a conversation with him. Son 2 came back last week but may see him Tuesday.
GP call tomorrow so early morning. DH still the same and Im hoping they can do the appropriate blood tests soon to diagnose if its Polymyalgia.

Hope all can have a quiet and peaceful night. X

Ellie Anne I know myself how it is to be worried about what might be happening to family. Wanting to speak to them yet dreading bad news. I hope your DD is ok and nothing untoward is going on. Glad you sat with that woman and all was ok. Just don’t let her be mean to you.
Wyllow glad it’s being handled correctly. Hope you are being supported by the servants.
I went to church this morning and had a lovely time. A few tears but otherwise ok. Our son came this afternoon and did a few jobs for me. Early dinner and early bed for me I think.
Hope everyone’s ok xx

That seems like a good idea, Ellie Anne and I'm really glad you made it to church. Just hoping matters are as well as they can be in the family.

I'm so glad you came in, Sweetpeasue. I'm especially glad you shared the diagnosis with your son. of course he wants to know, needs to know, cares about his Dad and you, and I hope you feel you can lean on him of support a little more now xx

It's a tricky and horrible one, Doodle. The Servants cannot support one Quaker over another and even more so it its a police matter, so I am actually bereft of support until matters are clearer and the Servants get Safeguarding Officers advice.

Someone who I'm quite close to couldn't look me in the face when she was saying about the process and sounded quite cold although I'm sure inside her feelings are not.

MrA has caused so many people to suffer by his actions.

If they/we talk about it "inappropriately" then it could influence a police case. So I feel more lonely with it until matters move on although MfWorshiip was as sustaining as ever.

I'm glad your son came over today. Its is so lovely and a relief to get some practical as well as emotional help and have him in your flat tho I know what the "now he has left as well" feeling is after he's gone. xx

Sweet pea sue the Thursday murder club ones are good best to read them in order. Didn’t like the others.
Dd was ok today. Managed a reasonable chat as long as I keep off anything personal.
Wyllow I can see that you are feeling a bit alone over all this. But by reporting him you may be protecting others. I hope it doesn’t drag on too long.

The worst thing Ellie Anne is feeling cut off from the 2 friends I was getting close to who happen to be the ones responsible for taking it to the Area Safeguarding Team.

If the events had occurred outside the Meeting they would be first ports of call to natter things over with.

I cant ask their advice or - above all - get feedback ie stuff like "he was soo totally out of order go get him" Bl**dy men womens stuff etc.

In fact there was a degree pressure for me hints dropped to take it directly to the police by one of them from the very person who would have said that kind of women stuff.

But in the end of course this is the most effective way.
Sigh, and thank you.

SweetpeaSue I hope you get through to the GP ok and that blood tests can be arranged. Your poor husband has got enough to contend with, without Polymyalgia on top of it all as well. Steroids might help, but, as you say, might cause added problems. Seeing your son must have been good, and having a meet-up with the other one soon will be something to look forward to.

Doodle It's good to have sons who can do some jobs to help you. Our Son1 is quite handy for sorting out our computer when necessary. Glad you had a nice time at church.

Wyllow3 I hope all this with MrA can be dealt with effectively, and soon, as it's affecting your enjoyment of the Quakers meetings. Some men think that when they're old, their behaviour can somehow be excused.

EllieAnne Glad church was ok and that your friend was alright with you. Please tell her the next time she upsets you. Glad you got to talk with your daughter.

ScaredyCat and others - how are you all?

Had a lazy day at home yesterday. Seeing GD1 for lunch today. Had hoped to have spent most of the day with her, but her mother's Dachshund is staying at Son1's house (been there since Friday evening), as her friend has been unreliable, so the dog will be joining us today (but not coming here - Jaffa wouldn't like that). Hope everyone has a decent day x