Black Dogs 27

Hi all
HVDY- The boys are settling in really well thank you. They are still in just one bedroom but tomorrow we,ll let them explore more - if they want to.
What a brilliant start to your weight loss trip.2llbs a week is a sensible goal - a bit of fruit would do you good anyway.
Hope you found something nice to do today. My DD and SiL are popping over in a minute to meet the new family members.
SweetPeaSue- Thinking of you today and hoping so much that at last you will both feel that people are listening to you and giving DH the care and consideration he deserves.
Doodle- The cats are very friendly and happy to be picked up and made a fuss of. The smaller one love# DH and gets really cuddly with him. The bigger one is so sweet and soft too.
I think what you wrote to Wyllow pretty much said what I feel too- what a sensible friend you are.
We took our friend to her Appt yesterday . Her DH is very poorly now - so much for her to cope with. She looks so very frail.
Hope you have something nice planned for the weekend.
Wyllow- what a lovely relationship you have developed with your cleaner. She must treasure your friendship.
As I said to Doodle her reply is very much how I feel. I do hope you will be able to put it all behind you . But you must do what is best for you and of course you are thinking about others who this pathetic man may upset.
Hope you have a wonderful Spooky gathering with your family. Your costume sounds Brilliant and the kids will love it. It’s not everyone who has a Nan who is a white witch!! Although I did once meet somebody whose sister was a real white witch. You are living life again- hooray !!!
Allsorts- glad you liked the photo. Yes they have dear little faces don’t they. We feel very lucky to be able to give them a home. Hope your weekend has some kind moments.

Love to all. Missing many of you who haven’t visited lately

Wyllow Sounds like a very pretty white witch outfit. Im sure you'll all have lots of fun. Long drive there.
HVDY You're doing so well with your diet. Sweet things are my main downfall Im afraid. Oh no , Jaffa is getting up even earlier. He's a cheeky lad isn't he.
Scaredycat Your new cats look very at home , hope things are going well with them. Nice that they like cuddles. Im so sorry about your friend deteriorating so much , it must be so hard to keep her spirits up when things are so bad for her DH too. You are a good friend.
Doodle Thankyou for your kind words and good wishes. Hope youve had some company today.

Very tired and down. Managed the drive between us though DHs arm and hand v painful. Consultant was right about the Subclavian artery being fully occluded ( Sorry I think I'd said Carotid artery earlier). He wants to put in a stent through the groin.t There's a risk any plaque inside may break off and cause stroke during the procedure but there's a risk with anything isn't there and he needs it done. He thinks if stress test reveals that something needs to be done by Cardiologist that any heart procedure should be done first. He's writing to the Cardiologist so they will both be communicating- He's given DH his email address for Cardiologist too. So stress test on Monday. Just hope if anything needs to be done because of his Angina DH can get it done quickly.

We went to a Costa nr the hospital afterwards and gor a while DH s vision went swimmy and he wasnt well at all. Im scared things wont happen fast enough.

Hope you all have a peaceful night and been thinking of those that haven't been in for a while. Xx

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Sweetpeasue you’re getting there. Keep going. You’re right, there is risk with any procedure. My DH went through the same thing when he had his carotid artery cleaned out. Risk of stroke etc but they do these procedures a lot.
Hope you get information from the cardiologist quickly after the stress test. Things are moving quickly now don’t give up.
HVDY I think if a man had come up and hugged me like that I’d have shrugged him off quickly and said I’m fine thank you. Apart from family and close friends I don’t like any man hugging me since DH died.
I’m sure he meant nothing by it but I wouldn’t be happy.
Scaredycat those two sound purrfect for you both🤣. One each to sit and cuddle. Sounds like they’re making themselves at home. So sorry about your friend. Must be hard for her and you. I’m going to a memorial service at church on Sunday for those who’ve lost their loved ones. It’s a lovely service. I think our sons are coming too.

Thanks for the info HvDY I must do something. Do you have the ordinary original SlimFast or the protein one?
Oooh no chocolate. Now that might be tricky.
Wyllow your costume sounds great. Have a lovely time with your family.
Take care all

Allsorts nice to hear from you again. How are you?

Sweetpeasue -things are happening at long last. Your efforts are paying off at last. But it's a lot to take in, isnt it?
First when we first me to was how things had gone wrongly for you, and now the tough long process with DH to get here. May Monday come quickly and then it's known.

Holding you both in the light.

It took me forever to get here - I keep taking the wrong turnings (need to get with technology, but I cant have a screen int he car (long story) so rely on the phone, it need to get it talking to me. then, parked up, I picked up a WhatsApp from D the Quaker who'd made things worse. Trying to interfere in an upcoming meeting to try to spot me saying x and y and was the one who's made me feel I was over reacting.
Long talk. I feel we really got somewhere.

when I got to the family the white witch wasn't going to be a goer, as the children had friends with them so it wasn't a all family evening.It was lovely to see them all, and a good adult conversation as well.
They have two black and white cats, who ar not lap cats but rather lovely.

Back at the motel I'm the only guest tonight so a bit weird, but its a very warm modern room and quiet.

I'll come in tomorrow, just tired out xx

ScaredyCat Your new cats will soon be exploring. With fireworks going off a lot at night (they are around here, anyway), it's a good job they're indoors and safe. Jaffa isn't at all bothered by it. I suppose because he was a stray.

SweetpeaSue You've done all the hard work of getting your husband seen by various people, getting tests done, etc., and things are moving now, at long last. After Monday's stress tests, I feel sure something will be done soon afterwards. I've heard of that procedure being done. Like any operation, there are risks, but those surgeons do those procedures every day.

Doodle I like the ordinary one. DH is on the diet, too, and has lost 8lbs. He prefers the banana or strawberry ones.

Wyllow3 Well done on your drive. You did well. Hope you slept well and that you enjoy the weekend with your family.

Hope everyone manages to have a decent day x

SweetPeaSue- thanks you for the kind words. To have compassion for others when you have so much to deal with shows what a lovely friend you are. It really is the most heartbreaking situation to witness and almost seems unreal.
Monday will soon be here - you have fought long and hard for DH and hope,as you say, that things will move quickly if action needs to be taken.
Doodle- I remember you going to the memorial service last year. It’s such a lovely idea to all be together support each other and remembering your loved ones.
Purrfect is a sweet way to describe our new furries. But I expect as they gain confidence they will get up to all sorts of mischief.
Wyllow - you got there in the end!! I don’t use my sat nav I find it distracting. The more you do a bit of long distance driving your confidence will grow again.
So happy for you to be enjoying family times again and fun to see your GC with their friends. They must have been so pleased to have you there.
Hope you managed to have a good rest.
HVDY- Yes the cats have had a bit of an explore today but now retreated back to their bedroom and up the cat tree!!
Our last cat wasn’t fazed by fireworks either. Jaffa has probably been through a lot and is streetwise. Isn’t it lovely he found you.
Must be easier for you that DH is on board with the diet. He’s done well too.

Well time to have a cuppa before the boys wake up.
Candy ,EllieAnne,Nadateturbe, Allsorts and all how is your weekend going? Sending love to all inc just reading.

Wyllow Glad you completed such a long journey there and hope by now youve had more pleasant hrs with your family. Thankyou for holding us in the light.x
Doodle Thankyou and no, I'll never give up. I wonder how they cleaned out your DHs Carotid artery , I've read there's several ways. Think it must depend on severity and various Consultant's preference. We were told yesterday that the 'steal' involved was taking blood from the arm to supply the brain which is causing the pain in his arm and hand. Just hoping the Cardiologist can do something quickly.
The memorial service on Sunday should be nice ,glad you're all together.
HVDY You are doing so well on that diet. Your DH must be denying himself all that beige food too. Must be better when you're both on same diet.
Scaredycat Hope those cats of yours are settling in and you and DH are having more cuddles...... em getting more cuddles ...... iykwim.
EllieAnne Hope you're OK and you see friends at church this weekend.

Took aunt out with us this morning for shopping- not seen her for a few weeks.
DH felt terribly cold ,he's been feeling cold a lot of the time. Then he had blood test to see if Polymyalgia back.
Quiet afternoon .

Hoping everyone has been OK.

Sweet pea sue I’m actually dreading church tomorrow because I will see the people I abandoned on Tuesday.
Not heard from any of the family so feeling unwanted.
I know I’m being silly they are very busy. But Saturday is always a long day.

Sweetpeasue I believe they cleaned out DH’s artery by opening it up along the length of his neck and clearing all the muck out. It was a severe case and almost totally blocked. He had a long scar from just under his ear right down to his collar bone. Healed up ok though.
Do hope things are set in motion for your Dh soon.
Wyllow how lovely you’re there and spending time with your family. Hope you are comfortable at the motel and can relax a bit.
HVDY I rally just give slim fast a try. I have gone up nearly two sizes in clothes and still putting on weight. It’s slowed down a bit since I started cutting by on my ADs but I’m still very overweight.
Ellie Anne my friend had her cataract op this week and she was saying none of her four children had asked how she was. She gets in well with them all but they don’t contact her that much so you’re not the only one. They have such busy lives these days.
If anyone asks you at church just say you came over feeling ill and had to go home. Don’t imagine people are talking about you. Just act normally.
Scaredycat I bet your life has changed a lot since your fluffy friends arrived. Do they sit with you both in the evenings. What lucky cats they are.
Had a busy day shopping and lunch at the hospice.
Church I. The morning and memorial service in the afternoon tomorrow. I

EllieAnne Doodle's suggestions are good. Just be yourself at church tomorrow . I often dont hear much from family and I admit I sometimes feel the same but they love us , they're just getting on with their own lives. Hugs for you.xx
Doodle Oh your DHs case was certainly very severe. You must have felt nervous about the procedure. As HVDY says, they're carrying out these things all the time. I think because of what happened to me ( simple investigative Hysteroscopy) I realise things can go wrong. But the Vascular surgeon I chose in Harrogate is very experienced and a good one ( unlike the young Dr who did my Hysteroscopy) Surgeon wont be going through the neck but through groin. Just hope the Cardiologist is quick to perform any procedures needed as DH is feeling worse as days go by.
Thankyou for all your support.
Scaredycat Your kind words to myself and every one of us I know are heartfelt.
Good your cats aren't afraid of the fireworks - hoping that lasts . Love their names.

Hoping everyone has a peaceful night.x

It is comfortable here, I have had some nice family times on and off, especially scrambling with L in the soft play areas with her, in and out of holes, up huge steps, down rapid slides (yoga sesh?)

But I cant leave the assault behind I did get some relief overnight by deciding I wouldn't take it to the police, if it happens it's 100% safeguarding decision, but it wont go away

a full frontal assault (yes, included groin area, tho I have not spelt that out before,

and - in our most holy space, the equivalent of an altar in your church if you are a BD that goes to church

How would you feel about it now you know that? In front of your altar?

its the weigh of knowing anything I say or decide affects all in our little group, which on the minutes of those in charge of it were all neutral "XX and XY not to talk to each other. Quakers not to talk about it to XX and XY as it is going to Safeguarding.

but not a word of sympathy to me - treated as if I was on a par with MrA, in effect. The event this contradicts our non violent testimony, it contradicts specifically how have we are advised to treat each other with compassion, and respect, with specific regard already as to male and female relationships

Feel terribly alone, deserted, except by the Quaker I wrote this too, although she cant reply to me.😢 -next Sunday when I go into the meeting its like...No one can acknowledge it, unless safeguarding in a well decide outcomes.

I can talk about it to DS, but not DiL, who has strongly anti religion feelings as in "well, what do you expect..."

Not in a well, in a week.

It's very selfish for me to go on like that, but I feel truly a lick of fear that another depression is really on the way. and this will bring me down.

I think overall it's not the attack, but the fall out of it with loved Quakers. One bad apple has shattered our usual peace. Waking today it hung over me, and my tendency not to blame myself, but to feel Terribly Reponsible.

Its actually really really bad that I wont go "as usual" today, being away, as I suspect that support might have been shown in subtle ways and me a bit reassured.

Being here with the family is helpful on and off, but. DiL wont engage with me on the issue - she did when I was breaking up with Ex, but has made some kind of internal boundary decision.

( I know from DS there are Troubles in Her Family, but she wants to be private about them.)

I'd like to do something outdoorsy with them, and will put a request in. But...the eldest two are now not joiner-inners, they are more concerned with friends and "devices".

You are not alone here Wyllow
Although understand it all can't be mentioned in the general group meetings it shouldn't be the case with individuals sharing their support and compassion for you.
You're feeling more alone, I think, because you are with family and your DIL doesn't want to discuss it with you. That puts you in an isolated position.
My heart goes out to you. You must believe that in NO WAY are you responsible for this disgusting incident.
Try and distract yourself with family for now. Do hope you can get a walk out with someone .
Just wanted you to know you are not alone. Hugs xxxxx

ScaredyCat It's easier without having to buy much food (apart from fruit and things we get for LG's lunch and snacks). I think it's lovely that you've taken in 2 cats. They're company for each other. I'd have loved to have had 2 or 3, but it's not advisable with Jaffa being FIV. Your boys will be so pampered.

SweetpeaSue DH has been having the odd ready meal or Pot Noodle . It's a different thing, I know, but my friend had a coil thing fitted in a brain aneurysm, via the groin, and I've heard of people having stents in the heart via the groin, so these types of procedures will be familiar to the surgeons.

EllieAnne You didn't abandon the people at church. You went because you didn't feel comfortable. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. Hope today is going ok for you. My Son2 doesn't contact me for weeks (lives 2 miles away, he's the dad of LG), but I know he's busy with work (targets to meet by certain dates for payroll figures) and family. Yours are the same. It's nothing personal.

Wyllow3 Your DIL may not feel at ease in discussing personal things. She might not know what to say. She might be wondering how to cope with her own problems, whatever they are. I hope you can enjoy the time with your family and get out with your son or some of the others - teenagers these days seem to be glued to their mobiles or laptops.

It's a cold, but sunny day. Not been out, but have been reading, doing crosswords, talking with friends on the 'phone, and generally being lazy. Hope everyone's ok x

Sweetpeasue yes I was very nervous and anxious about DH’s procedure especially as they’d told him not to move around to much till they got it done. His was done as an emergency as he’d gone in because of having TIA/mini stroke. But yes they do these things a lot and DH was fine after.
Wyllow your assault was nothing to do with religion and could have happened anywhere. Not very helpful of your DIL to say that, I would have hoped she’d be more supportive.
It’s difficult to know what to say as you originally said it was a hug although a very close one. I think your stress from the incident shows how much it’s upset you. All I will say is if it was a hug where both his arms were around you and he held you close for a few seconds that’s one thing. If he held you and wouldn’t let go or touched you with his hands that another thing. I am not asking you to spell out here exactly what happened in fact I hope you won’t because there are some people on GN (not BD) who like to know intimate details of things for gratuitous reasons and not because they care about you.
Only you know exactly what happened and how it impacted you so very much . He knows what happened but doesn’t think it’s as serious as you do. He needs to understand his behaviour is unacceptable.
I hope the Quakers support you and this is taken seriously. We are all here for you.
I too am worried you might go downhill about this when you were doing so well.
With regards to your DIl, some people find it difficult to talk about things or to discuss them in depth. While you may want to talk it out to her she may not be happy with that and may not know what to say.
I have a friend with a problem totally unrelated to what you’re going through but very serious for her and has long term repercussions for her in her family life. She has no choice in this as it’s a health issue and the outcome will be what it is. I can listen to her and be here but not solve it and sometimes it becomes difficult to chat as she goes over the same thing again and again. I’d love to help her but I’ve run out of things to say.
We are all here for you and will support you. Take care and try and enjoy your family time.
hVDY glad you’re having a rest, enjoy the day.
Scaredycat I expect you’re playing with your new friends.
I’m off to our church memorial service, I’ve already been crying and I’m not there yet.

Hello all,just a quick message to say I’m still here! Our house has been sold and so we are in the process of packing up. It’s extremely stressful as we have to leave by Christmas but our sellers are refusing to complete before then! I have lots to do so I haven’t had chance to read and catch up sorry. Hope you are all as well as can be. Catch up soon xx

I hope the service allows you to cry in loving company, Doodle. I truly hope there is some comfort in church today.

Its now turned into the kind of weather for staying in and putting feet up, HVDY Being lazy is definitely good, given you busy life and caring especially the complexities of GD1's life.

Thank you for your post, Sweetpeasue. You pretty much got it there. Yes, part of me would have been better at home, given the circs, but more of that below as its got better with the family, I understand more now.
And I will be thinking of you as you both have hopes for tomorrow, and have concerns about treatments - and get that oh so tricky balance of finding out what you can about them but being careful on the "worst case scenario" front.

Do let us know how it goes today, Ellie Anne. Church is so important for those of us who are inclined that way, after all. All I can say is that unless it's a truly bad situation, it's better trying to find what you can there rather than pulling out. But only you can judge which sort of situation it is?

I cant really say more about the attack except that it was a sexual attack.
I know as a women from past experience the difference between an over strong hug, and a hungry, desirous, sexual grabbing, a man trying to take what he wants.

Since I've known both. But what is different is that had it occurred outside, or in a place where I had my guard up as we all do as a women, alert, it happened in a holy place of safety

When it happened to me before, in daylight, in a street, it was just a breast grab from behind, and I shouted angrily so loudly that he ran away.

I've done self defence in aikido and know exactly how I would have reacted with MrA in the street as he isn't a big man, just strong - its a sudden jab up under their chin with your right hand, and tripping them up with your right foot hooking behind theirs. I've practised it a lot, and I am well balanced.
Its not strength, its speed and totally catching them in surprise.

I've spent a great morning with the family, as when I arrived first I had a long talk with DS, who thankfully had the time. Then we went on a long walk round a lake in the autumn weather fresh air and sun.

Lots of family dynamics going on, very enlightening. It's a family where you have to be pretty resilient and direct. Tenderness is there but wrapped up in demanding what you want and taking no for an answer.

DiL has had to be tough, and she also simply doesn't understand how someone can feel suicidal or not use their intelligence to cope with everyday life.

She knows it with her head, but not how to be practical about it, so copes by not dealing with it.

Both parents work full time: it's not just having 4 children, but that L takes up 50% sometimes more of the time available becuase of her severe disabilities. The kids are used for example for part of a family outing to be taken up by weird noises or yelling, a child that can not now move around except a slow crawl.

Its impacted them all. I can see how, especially the eldest (L is number 2).
I know after today I simply cant expect much from DiL, and that includes problems my aging will bring, as L when she passes school age, or possibly even before, will have to either live at home with carers constantly in: or go into residential care.

So this includes support for me when something big happens, and thats the way it will be.

I trust them to make good editions for example when finding a care home for me, but not the time a lot for emotional care.

I am fortunate that DS does understand so much, but it cant be a lot of fun having a mum who was suicidal for two years? And I did not tell him, btw, I kept silent, , I couldnt have done - but he asked me directly

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- your Aunt must have been happy to see you both- what kind people you are.The blood test result should come through quickly shouldn’t it. DH friend has just had a heart operation and the surgeon went through his groin. He has recovered really quickly. Hope you and DH have managed to get out today- it’s been lovely and sunny after very heavy rain this morning.
EllieAnne- Hope Church was Ok . You didn’t abandon anyone you just went home because you felt like it. Your family are much the same as many families. Young people these days have so many more and different pressures than we did. If they feel you are safe and getting on with your life then they Can get on with theirs. It’s hard for you I know as you are not very happy but they will always be there for you as you are for them.
Doodle- what a wonderful post for Wyllow- as I said the other day you always give such sensible opinions and advice.
Ah hope the memorial service gave you some comfort. They are tears of love you shed . Today you will have been in like minded company to share the service. Hope there was a chance to have a coffee and chat afterwards.
HVDY- I like the sound of the easier meal prep. After so many years of cooking it’s so hard to think what to have that’s different and be bothered to cook it too! Trouble is we both love our food and so I have to bite the bullet.😀
The cats are so sweet. This morning GD3 and partner came over to meet them. They love people and have no fear of them.
GD and partner have a little girl rescue kitten who has just been spayed and I wouldn’t be surprised if they get another one as they are both besotted with her.
Wyllow- such a shame the events of last week are playing so much on your mind. That worthless man has no respect for women or his Church - please try not to let him spoil things for you. I expect your DS has given you some loving advice . Maybe DiL has her own demons to deal with. She has a lot on her plate.
Your elder GC sound pretty normal to me. Children nowadays are very different from those of yesteryear.
Hope you got outside with them for a while. Let the lovely vibes of family life just soak in and may this be the first of many more visits.

Love to all- present and those who have been absent for a whilex

I went back after a sleep and we were looking at cute kittens on U tube Scardeycat. Oh my, I wanted one. Your cats sound like they will be a treat to live with, accepting and not aggressive, a comfort and pleasure, despite whatever they have been though. (Family has two black and whites)

Yes we had a long walk earlier, sadly as usual the family has to be split on walks, one parent with L, one with the other 3.

DiL is actually very bossy as I finally found tonight. Likes to control. Maybe needs to given the pressures on her, but its not OK to try and control me.

Drinks were offered and I asked for a little brandy. She said no as I was on tablets. I said I had discussed it many times with my professionals and know exactly what was safe.

So I was given a lager, which actually had more alcohol in than the small brandy I wanted and so only half drunk it.

Then me and DS were discussing politics vigorously and I said "no you're wrong about such and such to DS" (after he had said I was wrong)

And she said "stop criticising DS"
DS ignored it.

Finally she said she wasn't interested in politics (DS is, and was engaged on it with me): and she said she wasn't going to stay in the room if we were talking politics.

I said, "what would you like to talk about ? But she had stomped off.
She won't hold it as a grudge, but my lesson is to stick up for myself, and not worry any more what she thinks of me.

she just likes to be in control.

I got an email from the Safeguarding person asking me "when I was free". I said I can make anytime, it's urgent, asap please. As she had said " meeting to discuss how I could feel safe in our meeting" and no more.

I said bear in mind that MrA had already been officially warned not to touch women without their permission and my concerns were not just for me:

and in addition, that I had been informed by the expert organisation for all religious groups that reporting of offences was mandatory, although,

I didn't feel it had to be myself as long as adequate resolution on the issue generally had been decided.

I got on ok at church. Didn’t seek out any of the Tues group but met one so I said sorry for leaving but I didn’t feel great.
She said she had a lot on her mind and hoped I didn’t feel abandoned or something like that so I said That I had. No point in leaving pretending.
I thought we were good friends but whatever was going she seemed to be sharing with everyone else. So am wondering if this group is really for me especially after the comments about my face the week before.
Wyllow my 2 Dh 14 and 12 are always on their phones. I hope you got out somewhere today. So sorry about the ongoing problem with this man.
You really don’t need this .

Ellie Anne, this lady said something nice to you. she "hoped that you didnt feel abandoned" and apologised that she had a lot on her mind.

It's hard, but try and "hear" that bit. Yes, people will talk, they always do, and it's horrible, but it's real life, and there will be some who are kind and some who are selfish. I'm not telling you off - Its really likely I would feel just the same! its like a mutual reminder to you and me, we have to try and "hear" the better bits and "take them to heart" x

Today has been chaotic. Slept terribly because of the abuse thing, and clumsily managed to knock a cheap lightweight TV off its stand in the room on the way out, offered to pay of course when I was rung at the service station at Wetherby.

Then, sitting in the car, I got a call from the Safeguarding Officer, who was very kind and totally saying it was a nasty criminal sexual assault Quakers would not tolerate under any circumstances. She is coming tomorrow afternoon to my house at 2pm.

So far, so good. However when I said that I didnt want to be the one reporting it too the police (if we decide it needs to be so) nor the one who decides how long MrA should be banned from meeting she didnt like it - or was taken aback.

I dont want the responsibility of it. The nasty one that Shopped MrA. No thank you. Quakers is all about responsibility to each other under certain very strong moral guidelines.

But in any organisation there will be, as I wrote to her just now

"People are not necessarily aware of the impact such things can have. I've already, as I said, had D saying "oh but he is so contrite".

How many others, only partly knowing MrA, or how much he already knew about my situation and my vulnerability when he attacked me, indeed immediately before he did so , will think the same

Quakers are not all saints. some will wonder, did I "encourage him". "well, surely it wasn't that bad" "give Robert a break, he is 86 and lost his wife". "He's such a good person, always administering to refugees, how can she do that to him

I also looked up if an organisation can report to the police on behalf of the abused.

It was crystal clear - of course they can, and a clear path laid out. I sent this off to the Safeguarding Officer.

I did of course bring up that he might be disinhibited and that a psych evaluation may be appropriate. they had already thought of this.

But I also said to her on the phone, "if MrA is truly contrite, he can report himself".

Oh - it was lovely to get home btw. Autumn in the garden. but the drive was very tough because of my mood, my exhaustion, .....plus the tendency for a lot to happen at 70 or 80 Mph.

I'm still so nasty. From October 12th on an off its been a night mare: rational at times, overwhelmed at others, big loss of sleep, crisis calls...

one mans actions