Black Dogs 27

EllieAnne I can understand how certain buildings hold a security and peace. In your case your lovely church , though I hope you can feel peace in another building if necessary.
I know your DD suffers with depression so please be assured its nothing to do with your being a parent and its just the condition. I realise that's not much comfort as a mum., but youve done everything you can do and you're a good mum. Take care now and love. Xxx

I've read everyone's posts, but can't answer right now. Spent most of sons visit lying on the recliner settee. DH made lunch.
Glad you popped in EllieAnne. Sorry you feel so lonely.
Talk to everyone tomorrow.
Hope you all have a peaceful night.xx

Wyllow3 My post somehow clashed with yours. I'm glad your Quakers meeting went so well. And cake, too . Having a nice long swim and then sauna was good. I don't suppose many people go on a Sunday? Sitting in Costa for 2 hours - I wonder how many people do that, or sit in a library, to save putting their heating on (quite a few, I'd think). Ours is on from about 8am until 10pm.
SweetpeaSue Your throw sounds lovely. I've got 2 downstairs, both with pictures of cats on (what else). DIL bought me a heated throw last year, but that's upstairs for when it gets really cold. I like to be cosy. Glad you both managed to get out for a while yesterday. The pansies will look nice.
EllieAnne Has anyone from the church said when they might move, or where to? I hope you're seeing friends at the moment.

SweetpeaSue As SweetpeaSue says, you're a good mum, and your daughter is depressed. She doesn't mean anything personal. Take care.
nadateturbe Sorry about that. Rest up now. You have had a busy week.

I've been up for an hour (Jafa was apparently on the verge of collapse due to starvation). LG will be here at 8, so playgroup and then she's having her photo taken at her nursery. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

Ellie Anne oh I do understand. a situation may be tough, but it's a known quantity, it wasnt all bad, and the familiar is always welcome when you are lost at sea. The young people who have arrived at our door just happen to be lovely and want to engage with us oldies, you never know (but they do have their own mini network!).

Please don't assume your family are just doing it out of duty at all. Families are strange creatures, but they need you too, you are mum and grandmum, part of your lives. There will be many families where the level of warmth we crave isnt there, but its still matters to them, and to you.

As all have said, it's so sad about DD. You may or may not believe me, but there was a longish period of my life, very depressed, when I didn't want to engage with mum. I didn't want to see her a lot. (Fortunately my sibs did)

The reason in my mind was that I didn't want to "spread" my depression to her. It was a kind of instinctive thing, I was incapable of changing my behaviour.

I love a cosy throw, Sweetpeasue. anything comfort orientated or sparkly in these days that get dark and chilly. good on you for the pansies.

I hope you have a lovely day with LG HVDY. I have to admit I wouldnt like a wake up call from Jaffa, but then...he brings so much into your life too.

I'm waking at night fretting a lot more than I used to, I'm keeping a close eye on this as I'm always aware it could lead downwards. I dont have the pleasure in life I did before the assult, it has affected all, although of course it is moving on in more benign ways.

there is an outstanding issue to deal with, with Quakers:

the situation currently is that MrA is banned from my meeting,

But is allowed to go to any others (but never be alone with a women)..but this means if I want to go to other meetings,

(which I do, now and then, as its not just actual meeting for worship, there are other activities going on) I may encounter him. Its not a good outcome, at least so early after the event, before Restorative Justice)

and I have written to Quaker Safeguarding - is this the outcome they actually intended - where if I step outside of my little group, I may have to face the man who assulted me? and this decision would be a precedent for any further/similar incidents

(I think there should be more restrictions so soon after the event, and some Quakers really have to think harder on it, not take what seems a simple and easy way out)

This morning is my first meeting the group set up to support women who have been abused: its to see how all get on, no pressure on either side: where I could give art or yoga input fortnightly. wish me luck, it would be great if its a nice "fit"!

Oh yes, and HVDY, I was being a bit tongue in cheek about Costa and warm space money saving - I've been going there to in effect establish a home from home where the servers know me by name and there are regulars too, its so congenial - its good to have a space like that living alone. I just wish it were open in the evenings, like cafe bars in France.

We move in April to a school or a council hall . It’s not finalised yet.
My dd has a responsible job and keeps up with her sport interests. But she doesn’t seem to want me. I think I should stop phoning. I annoy her saying stupid things are she upsets me.

Ellie Anne i have a relative whose daughter doesn’t contact them much. They haven’t fallen out and they do meet up occasionally but the daughter lives her own life and only speaks to them when they contact her. If they message her several times she might reply eventually. They are good parents and there’s nothing wrong with their relationship but it’s just the way she is. Their daughter has always been the same. Spending time in her room away from family. She too holds don a good job but doesn’t seem to need to be in contact much. That’s just the way some people are. My friend has twin granddaughters both brought up in the same house with the same loving parents. They are completely different. My point is that people grow in different ways which is nothing to do with their family background. You care about your children so much it’s obvious that you do. That is not being a bad mum
Hope somewhere suitable is found for your church gathering. Be glad you have more people coming that’s a good thing.
Wyllow it is a bit of a predicament. I can understand you’re not wanting to meet up with Mr A but if he can go to other meetings there’s a chance you could meet. I hope the issue is resolved somehow.
Sounds like you’ve been doing a good job with talking to new people. Is food share where people all bring something to share with one another! That’s a nice idea. Does it happen every meeting?
Your right Christmas does bring up a lot of feelings. Bizarrely I feel less able to cope this year than last. I am doing a lot at church which is nice and good but the thought of putting up decorations or writing cards is not what I feel like.
Glad you had a good swim
HVDY I see Jaffa has got you wrapped round his little paw. Poor starving little Jaffa 🤣🤣. I used to love those school photos of the grandchildren. I’ve got loads. First day of school, nativity, sports days ballet class, etc.
Sweetoeasue those throws are good. Keep you warm but not too expensive. Sorry if I’ve forgotten but what’s the next step for your Dh. I know they said he needed another scan. Has he had it yet? I pray for you both have the strength to keep fighting for his treatment.
Scaredycat it’s bleak and cold outside tonight. I can just imagine you snuggled up with one of your lovely cats to keep you warm.

If I were you I'd consider just little WhatsApps now and then, Ellie Anne. It gives the other person time to read it when they want to. I'd write about "this and that", keep it caring but on the light side, don't have great expectations of an answer if you can.

Point is, sadly she's not able to be "there for you" at present: and doesnt seem to want support from you just right now.

Its not your fault, Ellie Anne, you haven't done anything bad or wrong, its how things are.

When I was in the pits, I found it easier to write here than family: it's my opinion that little chatty but not overdone WhatsApp's will keep communication going till it eases. x

Today I went to the Art group to try out - it was a wonderful morning, and they do need me: I just fitted in: I have to be tactful as my skills are probably a wee bit better than the current volunteer, but it will be great - 3 cupboards of Stuff unused or partly used.

What it did do was throw a valuable perspective on how matters have been with Quakers re the Mr A episode - so I wrote words to this effect and very firmly. No point me going to Quakers if it's not put right "well enough" as regards what I wrote above.

Followed by having to leave my hearing aids at Boots, then the gym. I did just wrong move and the knee was most unhappy, but I know what that move was and can do so much else including swimming backstroke. Not the best leg for it to happen, it's my slightly shorter and weaker one, more hard work on it coming up. Hopefully I can walk and drive more than bits and bobs in 2/3 weeks.

Evening all
I know I haven’t been in for ages but I’ve just had a quick catch up. We haven’t moved house yet. It’s all very stressful and triggering my anxiety quite a bit. It’s not straightforward but basically our buyers want to be in for Christmas but we can’t move into our new home until late January. It’s all so unsettling and in the hands of the solicitors. But then we re not unique as I’ve never heard anyone ever say that moving house was not stressful. We’ll get there, one way or another I suppose.
EllieAnne I’m sorry you are having problems with your daughter again but like Wyllow said, maybe message rather than phone so that she can read and reply when’s best for her. You are obviously a good mum and this is upsetting for you but it will hopefully all be ok. Sounds like your Church is closing too so I hope you all find a safe space to meet soon.
Wyllow I haven’t managed to read that far back but it seems you have been victim to some sort of attack. I’m so sorry about this and I hope you are managing to move on from it. I hope the Quakers group support you with whatever action you deem necessary and it doesn’t stop you going to Quakers as I know it’s important to you. Take care and I’m sending you a big hug.
Sweetpeasue I hope both you and your DH are well and he is finally getting the treatment he needed.
HVDY I can see you are still busy with the family and LittleGirl. I’ll bet she is looking forward to Christmas and it will be a special time for you all.
Nadaterturbe I hope you are well.
Scareycat you too.
Doodle A difficult time of year for you I know. Do it your way and what is best for you. Sending hugs.
Just a short visit as I said but I will try and catch up more in between sorting, packing and more sorting and packing. Take care all xx

Candy I didn't know that you are moving. How exciting. Good luck with the move. You will get there, just think ahead to how it will be when you've settled in.
Good evening everyone. This was a do nothing day. Maybe manage a post tomorrow.
Hope you all have a peaceful night. xx

It's really, really stressful, what you are going through, Candy. Phew. Keep on posting.

Wave, nadateturbe, you've had a busy time, I guess today had to be do nothing.

Well I've spent 50 mins doing a .,few days washing up..and floor...(polishes halo)

Wyllow3 I know you like going to Costa, and it's good that you can have friendly chats with the staff. I hope you weren't offended by what I said, as I didn't mean anything by it. There is surely a need for some places to be open in the evenings, although when it's cold and dark, some people wouldn't want to go out (I'm one of those people). The art session seems to have been a success. I'm sure you'll do very well there. Well done on getting those chores done, especially with a painful knee.
EllieAnne My Son2 rarely answers his 'phone or replies to texts. He has a demanding job and a young family. That's how it is for them sometimes. You've got sons as well, I think? Do you hear much from him/them? The new place for your church meetings might turn out to be really good, and it might get new people joining - a change of scenery and new faces could be beneficial.
Doodle This time of year must be very difficult. Don't feel you have to decorate the house or send cards if you don't feel like doing so. People would understand.
Candy Moving house is very stressful, but even more so at this time of year. Your buyers will just have to wait until you're ready. It'll all be good in the end.
nadateturbe Just post whenever you feel up to it. The important thing is to look after yourself.

Aqua aerobics later. I like it on a Tuesday, as the special needs adults group go (they just swim/play, don't do aerobics), and are all non-verbal, so shout and squeal with delight. It's quite heartwarming to see. Back later x

Thats exactly what L my DGD is like, HVDY, and the squeals are sort of life enhancing rather than odd, as you've found. Enjoy your aqua aerobics. the weather looks good, will there be an outing after wards?

I'm taking the day off the gym and change my covid and flu jabs: the TV engineer is coming,

I really have to sort a plumber - already rung and I have to send a pic of the loo seat which of course isnt accessible easily

-and my knee has told me its time to go back to the physio who does the inserts for my shoes (one leg is shorter than the other, not a lot, but enough to give problems without shoe inserts, I have some in my slippers too...(its. a long waiting list to see him but worth the wait).

However I did spend a lot of the night obsessed with the MrA thing. I want .....most of all, to reset relationships with Quakers, and that they should give me access to all meetings without MrA,

but the trouble is, I really do recognise that the strength of my feelings are because of the retraumatisation of life with coercive Ex, but ~I cannot, despite trying ever so hard, to separate the two.

I have to be fair to MrA: I'm going to ring the lovely lady at 31:8 who is the advice person for church matters when Sexual Assult etc is the matter at hand to try and work out, "what is going to make things better? whats reasonable?

Hoping to hear from lots of BD's today as ever x

Thanks HVDY I feel bad coming in and out!x

Wyllow3 It's really nice to see them enjoying being in the water. One young bloke walks on his tiptoes the entire time, from the changing rooms to the pool, down the steps into the pool, and back. He's the most vocal of the 20-strong group. I don't go for brunch after aqua these days (not whilst on this diet). I hope the lady you speak to has some constructive advice for you.
nadateturbe You (as with any of us here) never need to feel bad about not posting. I post regularly because I'm able to, and it keeps me up-to-date on what's happening with everyone.

Hope everyone is having a decent day x

TV engineer - tick
Ear aids sorted for tomorrow tick
Watched wonderful film recommended else thread tick
Chat for advice - tomorrow.

A delivery is delayed and no time slot now, its Evri, which are tricky,, but I need to sleep, so I' stick a note on the door, (leave under car - they wont leave in blue bins anymore) as I need a sleep, exhaustion caught up with me.

EllieAnne Im sorry youve been upset with your DD not keeping in touch. You are a good mum though and what everyone else has said is true- that youve done nothing wrong at all.
Nadateturbe I feel bad too that Ive not a lot to say and sometimes I can't find words to help . Just quite depressed at present . You take care of yourself. Glad you saw your son even if tweeting was while you were lying down. Sometimes even talking can be extremely tiring can't it.
Wyllow You seem to know that the fallout from this assault by Mr A has brought back the feelings of helplessness you felt from your ex's abuse. You are suffering all over again but you will come through this Im sure. Can understand the concern about not wanting to meet Mr A again. I hope the talk with nice lady from 31:8 ( not sure where the lady is from) will help.
Hope you feel better after the sleep.
HVDY You had a full day yesterday with LG and she must be a little delight. Is she excited about Christmas? Youve got a good start with the prezzies. You really are doing so well on that diet-- Im not good eating well lately.
Candy Nice to see you in. Sounds like youve got more than enough on your plate still. You'll be so glad to get into your new home after all the hard work and stress.
Doodle I was thinking about you today when we were in a little coffee shop and the background music was a constant round of Christmas hits and songs. I hated it and it made DH and I feel quite wretched. I hope you managed to avoid some of the Christmas false 'gaiety' today. DH and I are now just waiting for the op date . When he had the ultrasound scan last week the person doing it said she had difficulty finding the appropriate arteries on the right side which is uncanny as he's now getting pain in the right arm too. ( its the left arm/shoulder/hand which is the one affected by SS and he's got increasingly severe pain and tingling/ numbness in that one)

Went out shops for some canvasses for DH and buttons for knitted cardi. Afterwards went out again for 15min walk on stray by the sea. DH needed spray a couple of times today and second day he had strong dizziness and faint feeling .

Hoping everyone has a peaceful night. Sorry if my posts seem trite I just can't find my way lately. I do care though.x

It's really good to hear from you Sweetpeasue. Sending a big cuddly blanket, things are so very hard for you both, its not surprising you feel so very lost.

This is 31:8.
thirtyoneeight.org
(Its for Safeguarding, a helpline to find, but also advice, training, everything concerned with Safeguarding from setting up policy/legal guidance for ALL Christian Churches and groups; it is bought into by Quakers (as well as C of E and other denominaitons) for advice at every level to provide framework, organisational support, DBS stuff, and individual support).

Sweetpeasue I know that feeling of despair and longing for help and something good to happen. Don’t worry about posting how you feel. Of course you are depressed. Anyone in your situation would be. We’re all rooting for your Dh and hope he gets his op soon.

Sorry for a hurt post tonight. I’ve been at church most of the day helping get ready for our Christmas tree festival this coming weekend. It was so cold there but the company was great and we had lots of laughs. I only popped in for an hour but ended up staying 5 . Didn’t have dinner till gone 7 tonight and I’m very tired so forgive me for not replying to everyone personally. Take care all.x

Thanks Wyllow and thanks for explanation. I must have missed it first time round.
Doodle You've experienced so much worry with your DHs illness , I know.
Thankyou - my you have been busy. Hope your night is peaceful.

Hi all
The last 2 days have been busy ones. We fetched our poorly friend round to have a cuppa and meet “the boys” yesterday and did some housework. Today I met my Art friends in the morning and we went to see DHs gym buddy who has been poorly lately. So many dear friends dealing with illness.
Doodle- do whatever you want to do - people understand. There seems to be lots to do at your Church and it’s good to hear you had some laughs with your friends . Hopefully nearer Christmas you,ll be able to see family and friends and enjoy the simple things of Christmas. I hope so.
Yep the cats are the best hand warmers and like furry tea cosies!!!
Candy- so nice to see you in. Moving house is way up there on the stress meter and when people are a bit difficult it makes it so much worse. It,ll all be OK in the end when you move in and start making it into your home. In the meantime try and have some moments of relaxation when you can. That’s what mince pies are for😀
Wyllow- I do hope the lady you,ll speak to will be able to help you find some kind of peace re MrA.
Oh Evri they are a law unto themselves. We had a lovely local Evri lady but since she left it’s very hit and miss.
You have such a lot to offer the Art Group. So glad you felt it was a good fit for you.
Hope you enjoyed a restful sleep this afternoon.
SweetPeaSue- I,m so sorry you and DH are struggling so much. Some of the Christmas music can seem very shallow and not at all what Christmas is all about.
I hope DH will be up to doing some work on his new canvasses.
Is the cardigan for yourself? You seem to make things quite quickly.
There is nothing wrong with your posts - it’s not always easy to say how you feel is it. I think we are all concerned for you and DH.
EllieAnne- I echo everyone’s thoughts about your DD.its for sure your family love and need you and you have given them the security of knowing you are always there for them.
Please try not to doubt yourself so much- you are and have been a good Mum.
Nadateturbe- you needed a do nothing day- thanks for coming in when you are so tired.
HVDY- Jaffa will waste away at this rate- Not!!
Oh I bet LG s photo will be so sweet. She has such a cheeky little face.
You paint a happy picture of all the people at your pool.A lovely thing to see people who are just having fun and not caring about how they look or anything that doesn’t matter.
Love to all - mentioned and those we miss.

will you have to "hostess" Christmas Scardeycat or will DD? How is the present buying going?

The sleep was very good, I'd done some sewing as well, three pairs of "Basics" black trousers needing slight alterations, they have been waiting for 2 months. Next up is sewing machine, I may get some help with that bit if they still don't get done, I need 2 pairs of them
Since then I've done some picture printing out, for a Friday fundraiser. That will be the first "Christmas do" I will have gone to for years, and years, and years. Ex wasn't into anything like that, at all. Except the on the wonderful year we spent Christmas with my family, 2018....That's since 2011. (We'd spent some Christmases with his mum. but I cant blame him for the lot - I had periods of depression when it was me not wanting to see anyone.

This week is quite busy - my hearing aids have been in for repair, and collect them tomorrow, and more.

Doodle it was good to hear, "going for an hour, staying for 5". You've got some lovely friends there. What happens at the Christmas Day festival?

Thinking of you some more, Sweetpeasue. I wish we could make something better for you. Just keep posting, if you can, I know, in retrospect, how much it helped me, speaking my unwell self onto the page with good listening.

It's really informative to read back on previous Black Dogs. (No 19 for example)
I was looking at how lovely people were to me Sweetpeasue and it definitely was rewarding to belong to a little community where people listened uncritically, since them change and suffering and more change sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better.
xxx

sigh - its called Life.