Black Dogs 27

Doodle I have either 2 or 3 SlimFast shakes a day, and on the days of having 2, I have a normal meal but a smaller portion than usual (yesterday was chicken, 2 roast potatoes, and vegetables). I've stopped having any sweet stuff, so no cake, biscuits, chocolate, etc. Occasionally, I've had a few strawberries or a banana.

Wyllow3 I agree with what Doodle says. I haven't experienced an abusive relationship, so my reactions to Mr A would be different to yours, I think. You have to do what you feel is right. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you'll be able to overcome the anger you feel. Different, but yesterday at the day centre, we had a fire drill, so we all had to go outside. It was cold and we didn't take our coats. One man unexpectedly came up behind me and cuddled me "to keep warm and share body heat", he said. I'm not a tactile person and didn't particularly like it, but said nothing, as it wasn't sexual (not my breasts, etc) and not sleazy. I'm 66, he's a very physically fit man of 82. He didn't do that to anyone else, and neither did any of the other 3 men there cuddle anyone.
Had he cuddled me face-to-face, it would have been another matter, but I wouldn't have reported it to the police. Your situation is different.

Your Halloween costume sounds great! The GC will love that. Hope you have a lovely time with your family.

Allsorts Thanks. I've lost 12lbs in TWO weeks. I've got a LOT to lose, and the first couple of weeks are always very good. I expect to lose about 2lbs weekly from now on. How are you?

SweetpeaSue The very best for tomorrow. Hope all goes well.

DH and I had planned to take GD1 out for the day, to Matlock, but when I texted her last night, she said her mum was going to take her to Slim Chickens (like Nando's?), so DH and I will do something else later. Hope everyone has a decent day x

(Allsorts, he hasn't been banned from going to our city centre meeting, a lot bigger than mine, and he is known there of course too, but his decision is after being interviewed, to go off on one of his journeys round his sons and families and old friends to he says think it all over)

Allsorts, he grabbed me so tight my breasts hurt and his body was pressed against mine full length. it followed him asking me how I was, and I had relied that I was still very fragile after living with Abusive husband and a depression, it was immediately then he grabbed me.

It was classified as a sexual assault by the counsellor at Thirtyone:eight which is the national support and information line for all Christian churches. The whole business has left me feeling fragile and exhausted and not very friendly to men again unless I know them very well.

But I haven't the courage to go it alone without Quakers making the actual decision re police. its a shame in a way that I am away this Sunday as actually I think it would be reassuring.
(but with lovely family)

Half my Quaker group now know not just what happened but I have had to reveal my Mental Health history pretty fully not bit by bit but being there would almost certainly allay my concerns I have done bad "shopping" him.

No, I don't feel revengeful tho I did for a while.

Currently my feelings are that it would be good for him for it to be "brought home" to the reality of what he did via the police, who will treat him I believe reasonably given his age.

I'd like him to admit guilt and be given a caution and agree to go on a course for men who do things like him. and have a proper psyche exam to be sure its not age and disinhibition

We have two Quaker meetings in our area, our little one and the Central one, and as regards him returning to our little meeting its up to the Safeguarders how long not to come to our little one.

I'm feeling really tired but excited!! My family! I have assembled a sort of white witch outfit involving a long white summer dress and thermals to go under and lots of wispy bits of white material to safety-pin on. Its a near 3 hour drive but that includes a rest at a nice service station.

I'm going to be the goodie witch whilst the boys have a skeleton and a spider man outfit, and my DGD I'm hoping will join me and dress up too (she does love dressing up, but not as much as 2 years ago when there would have been a sparkly princess in the house)

Wyllow, you say the man hugged you sexually, does that mean he touched you intimately when he drew you close, only you know that and the intention behind it. What do you want to happen to him? Has he a history of this behaviour, questions only you can answer.
HVDY, just be careful 12 pounds is an awful lot in 6 weeks. It would solve all my problems weight wise but i couldn't do it you have so much will power.
Scaredaycat, what a lovely picture of your two beautiful cats.

Crossing finger and toes and everything for you Sweetpeasue for tomorrow. I so hope, it makes a difference for you.

Just lost my quite short post.
Feeling very anxious about tomorrow as so many disappointments. Hope he wont want to wait for Cardiologist opinion on stress test.
Wyllow Fwiw I agree with Doodle's post and sentiment which I feel encompasses how I feel.
Ultimately, of course, you need to make the right decision for you.

Wishing all a peaceful night .xx

BD's dont have to answer, I've hi jacked us.

Today my cleaner/friend came and more or less packed for me and made the house tidy and we discussed her and her husbands health stuff as they are both on anti d's and looked stuff up and it was like having a daughter a bit and I think cos her mum was maybe a bit like GD1's mum HVDY there is an attachment.

I thought well I don't get on like that with DiL but there is someone around who does, count blessings.

I like what you really think and welcome it.

As regards would the police take seriously the religious safeguarding advisor I spoke to at length said very much indeed and MH people said yes but I would expect my Safeguarding people to have the answer to that. Matters have moved on a lot as regards this and of course there is proof contact took place - and its likely that MrA will agree, and when I called on the local police re Ex they have a unit and came round 2 times and more contact too. so I will be on record with them re previous abuse

Ellie Anne I hate bad nights. Hope tonight is a better one for you.

Scaredycat what lovely looking cats. How are they settling in?
Do they accept you stroking or cuddling them yet?
Sweetpeasue hoping and praying that the Vascular appointment at last beings some action for your Dh. Please make sure to tell them how your life has been the last few months if they show any sign of being dismissive. Hopefully they’ll be on the ball.
HVDY that’s an amazing weight loss whether one week or two. I’ve got some slim fast in the cupboard. I might give it a try. What do you eat in the evening?
So sorry about your son’s car. Repairs can be so expensive.
Wyllow I’m not sure what to say. You’ve asked what we really think but the thing is we’re not you. I realise with all you’ve been through your response to the situation is likely to be different to mine. I was hugged by a man in art today but it was a gesture of thanks because I said I was pleased to see him back. I get hugged (lightly) by a man at the walking group who hugs everyone. I’d rather he didn’t hug me but it’s not offensive in any way. Also in neither case was I alone with a man. For me, I wouldn’t go to the police. I think I would make it abundantly clear his advances were in no way welcome and that he was not to come near me again. But then I’ve not been in the situation you’re in nor do I have the same past. I think only you can decide which route you feel is right for you.
Would the police take this seriously I would ask first. I know safeguarding is a big issue in churches and schools (and other places too obviously) but I have no idea if police would do anything about it.
I hope I haven’t upset you but you did ask what we really think and I’m trying to be honest. The thing is everyone will have a different opinion based on their life experiences. I realise this has had a big impact on you. Whatever action you take I hope it can relieve some of your anger and give you a satisfactory outcome

Mmm. Still feeling the fallout, but how could it be any different? Yes I do doubt whether police is the best way forward for me. MrA I have been told has gone off for one of his big tours of relatives, which he has done before, to have a think etc.
but Messers guilt are still having a good old time in my head.

The next step is that both me and MrA will have talks with local Safeguarders. A lot depends on how this leaves me feeling.

Does it bring a feeling of it being accepted just how wrong it all was and MrA has really, (really) understood - supposing the Safeguarders mandate he does a course for men who do things like this and ID the course and its date to happen? And a final caution?

I have been led to understand it may be left in my hands.
No! No! I don't want this, I cannot bear to be "held responsible" I want it to be decided by senior Safeguarders.

(yes it is mandatory to report... but to whom..It could be SSD who are officially my Safeguarders following Ex's abuse...if they get involved..yes, liking that idea...)

It just occurred - I could talk it over again with the organisation that helped me, and ask for the same person.

what do other BD's really think?

PS. Jaffas internal clock needs adjustment, HVDY

Oh my, what an adorable photo, Scaredycat. Pride and joy and comfort.

I've just had a visit from new and lovely CPN, and got a good enough result from the Quaker Servants meeting just before my CPN came. One Quaker continues to be worried that going to the police will be overwhelming for me, but currently me and CPN agree it would be worse to sit on my anger and keep stum.

Ie, the process will leave me stronger and not as afraid of my anger which has been (and often is for some depressives) a trigger to head downwards.

ie Anger =being a bad person = guilt =self hate = more downward spiral.
Anger is powerful if you can ride the wave successfully - and with support.

EllieAnne Keeping a car in good order is an expense, isn't it? DH took his off the road more than a year ago (and it's still on the drive).

Jaffa didn't wake me at 6.30 - he chose 5.30 instead! He now scratches at the drawers of my bed. I fed him, cleaned his litter tray, left him downstairs (door to living room shut). He then kept scratching at the door, so I got up at 6.30 anyway. Hope everyone manages to have a better day x

Beautiful cats.
Hvdy I slept badly last night so going to bed early too.
D in L s car is still in the garage too. Needs quite a few things done before it can go through mot.
They have dh car as they work different hours in different places and public transport is not an option.
He hardly uses it anyway.
Thank you all for your support.

ScaredyCat What beautiful boys. They look really settled already. hey'll have a lovely life with you and your husband.

Wyllow3 Glad you enjoyed your gym session. Kind of you to hug that lady. Hope you have a good day tomorrow.

I was up early, so am going to bed early. That little menace Jaffa had better not wake me at 6.30 again. Hope ALL BDers have a restful night x

EllieAnne - you are so hard on yourself. Maybe those people had something personal to discuss - perhaps not the best place but perhaps it was important. You are certainly not stupid and have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You don’t need to explain yourself . Not everyone has the kindness and sensitivity that you have. Don’t upset yourself so.

Hi all
Doodle- yes it was lovely to come home to fluffy cuddles after seeing my friend. She,s coping unbelievably well in the worst situation imaginable.
Hope you enjoyed Art today- what are you doing this term.
Such good advice for EllieAnne. You always know what to say .
Wyllow- glad you like the names . They are two really sweet natured boys.
So pleased you are feeling better and hope today has had some good moments.
Use it or lose it is such a good mantra. I tell my self that most days!! Wishing you a peaceful night.
SweetPeaSue - I think your DH has made a good decision to wait until after Saturdays blood tests before taking the meds. I hope he won’t be in too much pain until then.
That garage are having a laugh- so sorry about the car . You didn’t need that on top of everything. Do hope you feel more comfortable now.
HVDY- yes we did have a bit of a spree at Pets at Home yesterday as we had no cat stuff at all. Lovely having furry people living with us again.
I remember you taking LG to the care home playgroup last year. They must have been so pleased to see her again and see what a lovely little person she has become.
Wow that’s a great weight loss- not an easy thing to do- well done.
As promised a photo of our boys.
Love to all and to those we haven’t seen lately - we miss youxx

That is really, really *od's Law, Sweetpeasue. The car. Talk abut the last straw.
Please come in and me, me, me, all you like as much as you need..
(Look how much I have bent ears over theMrA matter)

Your physical illness (apart from actual physical causes) ..... You are handling so much stress your body is saying "I cant take anymore, so ......."be ill". The central nervous system can only take so much.

It acts out on the rest of us.

FWIW, when under severe stress even tho I know the Yoga stuff I get neck and shoulder pain badly. and my bowels block up, literally "holding in/on to stuff"

Shoulder and neck pain can be because you are literally and actually "Carrying a burden" on your shoulders ..take care now, rest, eat as well as you can...try and distract when you can..move gently but dont freeze up too long xxx

Ellie Anne, actually I thought you were being normally assertive in following what your needs were at the time. If I were one of the others there, it would be OK..

As Doodle said, getting that concerned text or not is very unpredictable. People have so many other concerns on their mind, and often dont notice as much as we do,

because I think its accurate to say people in BD's are probably more aware or/and concerned of the "what do they think about me me and what do I think of them" than generally.

its a blessing and a curse. the blessing is the knowledge that comes of living with difficulties related to mental health: the curse is a high degree of sensitivity to being hurt - even if we appear strong.

I'm mega impressed, HVDY, with the weight loss over 2 weeks. It's a great start. Ah, a nice LG day.

I hope you can enjoy your time at Art, tomorrow, Doodle..wish I were there too. I still need really (unless there is something I have to do for the exhibition)..others around me to do art or sewing. It's a big block. I just think one day I'm, get there not yet, but I may be able to do some with the family at the weekend.

I think now I'll be able to make it to see them on Friday. I went to the gym today and it was good. Never mind the exercise, the natters were great. At the end I encountered one of the lovely cleaners. In tears. she is a very big lady and it was hard to give her a big hug and hold her tight, but I did, it was very muddled what came out but her daughter is at home with depression and not goon gout: she had something wrong wit her and a clinic appointment, and she is on the sort of contract where if she doesnt work, she doesnt get paid.

I wish I could have at least taken her to her appointment but it was a long way away and not in my comfort zone, so hugs had to do, but will try and make sure she doesn't lose out on her wages. Fortunately when I had to go another friend appeared who knows her too and took over the hugging and listening. Their contracts are lousy, but our particular management at this Nuffield gym is very very good.

I've had on my mind all day the fact that the Servants of the Quaker meeting were meeting tonight, and they were discussing me, MrA and the situation. it is possible that they will decide they cannot do anything until Safeguarding has started work: (no problems with that, but if they have decided things I not only want to know, `I want to know tonight as my CPN is 10am tomorrow and they know it, and they know how ill I have been this week

*Its making me very cross atm. The meeting is over, but the one person who had to go early has to sign off on the minutes even tho she wasn't there for the last bit - but consensus is the way which protects us from power games etc etc.

Doodle Yes, Friday Vascular C.
It was our 3rd garage. First 2 were just small ones. Second manager, said ABS system but he'd.never done one before. First, where we usually take it , mechanic said he maybe could get ABS module from scrapyard. Tbh it might be better to get rid, its 12yrs old.
Hope you enjoy your art tomorrow.
HVDY I remembered your son getting that car. What rotten luck having to spend on it again. Its such a minefield buying a car isn't it.
Ah , 2 weeks for the weight loss- still very impressive.
Yes I think we need to cut our losses with the car though DH isn't well enough to look around for another yet.
Scaredycat Hope your new fluffy friends are making themselves at home.
Wyllow Hope youve had a reasonable day and been able to share with the psychologist or MH worker.

That should have said 12lbs in less that TWO weeks! Having Slimfast twice a day, and a small dinner. No snacks at all.

SweetpeaSue You and your husband are having such a rotten time, what with one thing and another. Garage bills have a lot of labour charges added, don't they? Son1 bought a used car the other week, for about £4k, then found it was leaking water. He took it for a service, they took 4 days to fix it (waiting for a part), which cost £2k. How much would a decent used car cost to buy? Would it be an option for your husband? AutoTrader might be an idea.

Doodle Glad you had a nice time at church.

Ellie Anne as you know I’m often in church. I see people I know well chatting to others. Sometimes they include me sometimes not. There is any number of things they could be talking about. Sometimes I am left to wash up on my own sometimes others help. I think, perhaps especially in church, people have all sorts of problems or things on their mind. I wouldn’t read anything into it.
As for feeling stupid and upset, all you did was say you needed to go. Nothing wrong with that. If anyone asks you just say you had a bad headache or something. As for texting, I’m like you I would text others to see if they’re ok. Doesn’t often happen the other way. Please let it pass in your mind now.
Sweetpeasue of course you should post. It’s what we’re here for, That’s awful news about your DH’s car. Could you get a second opinion from another garage. Last thing you need at the moment. Is if Friday you’re going to vascular consultant.? Hope all goes well.
Glad you got to speak to the rheumatologist secretary. It must be so hard seeing your Dh in such pain but he might be right about waiting till he’s had his bloods done. Poor man things are really hard for you both .

HvDY 12lb that’s amazing. You must have stopped eating all together. Well done. Hope you’re pleased with yourself. Whatever sort of diet are you on?
Scaredycat how are you getting in with your fluffy friends. I love the names.
Wyllow hope things work out well with the Quakers. The consequences of that man’s actions have been great for all of you. He seems oblivious though from what you’ve said.
Church for me this morning the. More tidying up art in the morning looking forward to that,

HVDY 12LBS Iis amazing - you must have tried v hard. Well done.
EllieAnne Perhaps you have been too available for them. Maybe leave more of the work to others. They might have called to see if you were OK.

Beginning to think we might be cursed. I've had terrible tiredness and pain in neck and shoulders all day. Drove to garage with DH this morning to bring him back then had to rest in bed. Garage called to say they'd investigated ( DH told them it was ABS system anyway)
Real jokers! Told us it would be 3,600 quid to replace ABS system. Looking like car is right off.
Hope everyone is ok. Sorry if I dont post much. Im afraid it will be me, me ,me posting. Take care of yourselves and thanks for listening. X

EllieAnne Yes, it was a bit rude of them. Try not to give it another thought.

It's been one of those days - I was up at 6.30 (Jaffa is a pest), but not been out. I've lost 12lbs in just less than a week, so I'm pleased. A LONG way to go. Hope everyone has been ok x