Black Dogs 27

It sounds like a wee bit of a blessing in disguise, HVDY. Your body is saying, "rest, take care".

Wyllow3 You told that man, and the Quakers, how you've felt about what he did. I hope he offers a suitable apology and that you can move on from it. I'm glad the Quakers are being supportive. I've got a massive black bruise and swelling on the top of my arm from my stumble.

EllieAnne I'm glad you managed to talk with your son. He knows now, and I hope you'll go to his place, or meet, him soon.

DH and I had planned to see GD1 today, as she's home alone - her mum and sisters are off to Tenerife for a week, today (the mum didn't invite her). She's messaged me to say she's not feeling well, so we'll see her another day. My voice has almost gone entirely. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day. x

Dear Ellie Anne yes, they are busy, I try to be tactful about what I ask too, but this is a huge thing - its a clear, loving gesture of support x

Thank you. I have got dark moments like early this morning for a time "this will lead to falling into depression":, but you have reminded me, thank you, I'm not alone

I was a bit taken aback that D the leading Quaker had sent out to MrA and of course the other woman who will be there when I see him...

everything I had written about him but..I'd actually said lots of really nice and true things about how supportive him and his wife were in the past.

Today the sun has come out, I hope it shines on very troubled BD's, whether on this thread or reading.

this is my sleep help - have a peep - waves on a tropical beach - and in "settings" you can choose how long to have it on. The time is up, a notice appears, "we hope you have slept, but if not, do you want more?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ef9CAZ3OrQ

Ds and son came on Saturday. D in l was working.
I asked if i could sometime go out with them and he said of course but I didn’t mention the photos with her family.
I told him I was feeling very low especially since my friend died . He said I could go to them any time but that’s not so easy when they both have work and dgs at school.
But at least he kn.ows now. He’s never been one to say much.
Wyllow you have done well standing up for yourself. I’m glad the quakers are supporting you.

Sweetpeasue - you can be very proud of yourself indeed - getting that appointment, 10 days away. Big well done you and a hug. the sort of hug that is like a sauna and relaxes your body all over: this not being available, lots of hot water bottles

What a lovely happy report Doodle. I love speaking to very elderly people who've lived well....TU, in Sainsbury's - their sizing is very very big indeed in the Ladies clothes and you can buy online. I got him safely but it wasn't a lovely time overall - it was in bits of course but I only relaxed now and then usually over. a Merlot - more why at the end.

I'm so sorry you are a Fallen Woman, HVDY you did so well coping today and rest was the best thing. I hope you haven't got any big bruises, and it doesnt stop you seeing LG. (btw, my visit to family isnt until 31st Oct)

thinking of you with your very poorly friends, Scardeycat

I wasn't in yesterday as it was really tough: ended up with a row with DocSis, more on that another day: interesting situation but will say when there is a chance.

I rung the crisis line first things: she said I should go to the police clothes still lying around halfunpacked: she helped me focus on what I wanted out of it:

nothing but a full abject apology and recognition he had broken the law: a letter to me first, then a meeting with D, one of the people who was to see Mr Abuser. she was great - we worked out a plan in detail.

Quaker Safeguarding is taken very, very seriously indeed including informing the relevant authorities ie police or SSD. she didnt know this, I looked it up while we were together.

By this morning I had worked out my Victim Statement. Nothing in here is over egging the pudding for effect, btw: I have, if it were queried, Psychiatrists letters

Here it is

"Hi Mr A,

When you attacked me, you took away something very precious.

Having suffered 11 years of abuse, followed by a long depression of over 2 years, when most days I felt suicidal at some point, and thinking of how:

I started my recovery in June of this year.

Eventually I plucked up courage to come back to Quakers. And it felt safe and warm and like coming home.

I felt happy and it helped me so much. I was able to be outward and engaged with people.

And when you followed me into the room on Sunday 12th October when I was alone, you actually first enquired how I was, as you said I seemed so confident, and I replied that I was still actually very fragile, but it felt safe and I felt accepted by others and it had given me confidence in other areas.

You then said we hadnt had a hug for a long time. You did not ask me. You jumped me and put your arms round me so hard my breasts were pressed against you and it really hurt. It was a dreadful, dreadful thing to do, to take away my feeling of safety and wellbeing.

Then I was in shock but got a text from you saying you had been - quote - “over enthusiastic”.

(MrA), that was assault under the law. My mental heath support worker told me I should ring the police, do you really not realise the consequences of your actions?

I didn’t know what to do. It took me along time to contact other Quakers. I get guilt like it must have been my fault. Victims ofter feel that.

Fortunately for you I already knew that you had been warned about hugging women without asking their permission so you have a “track record”.

On my holiday I struggled with what to do, on and off. It was my first holiday for 4 years (MrA) yes, 4 years. It was not a restful holiday.

I’d booked a comfy hotel that took a big chunk of money that took half my monthly income to make it special.

I was conflicted, couldn’t relax, since of course I do realise you are probably very lonely so I was unwilling to go in heavy on you or even report you.

Until when I talked it over with Servants of the meeting, and realise that they took me seriously and believed me and believed it a serious safeguarding issue.

It was at that point I was able to feel anger at last. D thought I was being very strong when I talked to her on Monday, but in fact I paid the price last night with guilt.

You have taken away my confidence Quakers is a safe space.

The servants of the meeting will take it from here, as what is to happen next is now in their hands, and a path acceptable to me has been agreed.

(signed)

D and the other Quaker Servant of the meeting took it to MrA this afternoon. He was totally taken aback and quiet and long story short agreed. D didnt tell me a lot except he had accepted all the terms and conditions - no return to our Quaker meeting until he has written the letter satisfactorily and seen me and apologised fully and with no ifs and buts.

D said to him, he'd had a thing about me, hadn't he.

He said yes he had, but hasn't anymore. Now that, I thought, as well as being somewhat risible, just shows him up for the kind of man part of him is: he fancied me when I was nice and sweet and unchallenging, then when he has assaulted me and I stick up for myslelf well, "end of" being fancied.

I mean, where has he been - through reports of religious abuse, the Me Too Movement, he's been a Methodist minister FGS, all the Abuse stuff came out from 2004 onwards when he was in work and every institution begun the work of police checks and Safeguarding Awareness including in his own church.

The arrogance is breathtaking..

( One of the reasons I feel out with my sister was that she was thinking he had the beginnings of dementia, and she rabbited on about frontal lobes and how I should realise this and that)

but one of the two servants is a retired GP with experience of diagnosing it - MrA 's memory isnt so good, (but then neither is mine on some things) but his cognitive understanding of the world is OK.

I have felt better since I was told all that later this afternoon but it remains to be seen if he really can write that letter and apologise adequately to me in person.

I am not going to got back down: I do appreciate he is lonely, isnt able to do what he used to due to age, but he could have so much Quaker support if he admits he needs help. but basically this was building up after his attitudes and behaviour on a couple more things:

^no man who does that to me again, after an abusive marriage is going to get away with it once I know I am backed by senior Quakers.

SweetpeaSue Thanks. I've lounged about all day (up at 5.45 this morning), had a shower, washed my hair, put clean pyjamas on. Hope you and your husband have been a bit better today.

Doodle Thanks. I just somehow lost my balance, but was unable to put my hands out to save myself, if you know what I mean. Could/would you look online for something to wear? You can't be as big as me (22), and I don't have a problem. Or M&S, Next?

Sweetpeasue great news about your DH’s appointment. So pleased he will be seen sooner. You sound exhausted. I’m not surprised you’re feeling poorly you’ve been under so much stress. Rest as much as you can.
HVDY so good your granddaughters get on. I expect GD1 is great with LG. I got wet today too but not as bad as you did yesterday. So sorry you’ve had a nasty fall. Do you think you just lost your balance or did you have a dizzy spell?
Hope you’re feeling better today.
Scaredycat and Wyllow hope you haven’t been caught in the rain today. I’ve been in and out of shops trying to find a party top for an event in a few weeks. Trouble is I’m so big now it’s hard to find something I like, no success today.

HVDY You must have got soaked in the park, all of you. Quite wet here too yesterday.
Oh no , your topple over. Its more likely to make mistakes when you're not well. I really hope you managed to get more rest today as you will need it, you sound very unwell. Put yourself first sometimes. 🫂 Hugs.xx

ScaredyCat I got through the day with both children. GD1 is great with LG. It absolutely poured with rain at about 3 (we were all on the park) for 2 hours.

Doodle I'm glad the lady had a lovely birthday. Care homes often go to some trouble to make those occasions nice.

SweetpeaSue Sorry you felt so bad yesterday. Sometimes it's best to have a rest in bed. Better news about your husband. 10 days until he's seen, then. I hope the new tablets will start working.

Busy day yesterday, then when the GDs had gone at 5, I bent over to feed Jaffa, toppled over and fell on the floor, but banged the top of my arm on the corner of a wall. Glad I was alone when that happened. I felt so lousy lasy night (feverish, coughing and now aching), I went to bed at 8.30!! Blad bruising on my arm today. Not doing anything today x

Nanny2507 I can imagine it must be a real wrench to leave your home when youve been there so long but Im sure you're doing the right thing and youve been brave to make this decision. You'll see more of your DD and your DD will be relieved you are closer. So glad you have more kitten friends and they'll be lively company for you too.
HVDY Oh I hope you've managed to get through today and I know your GD1 would help with LG. It really sounds like you have some sort of virus. Hope you're OK.
Scaredycat I do hope you found your friend a little better. Sounds like you had a good soaking - hope you didn't have to sit in wet clothes.
Wyllow Im so sorry that man at Quakers has caused so much upset for you and brought back bad memories. You are not a 'non person' as you put it, but this man has taken away some of your confidence. He was very wrong and he needs to be be dealt with by those in charge of the meetings ( or higher up) .
Perhaps you can talk about it with your MH carer or someone at Crisis. Take care of yourself.
Doodle So glad the birthday girl had a lovely day with your surprise celebration. She sounds such a nice lady and you all made it special for her.
Afraid I've felt like I've done 10 rounds with a boxer and came off the worse. Dreadful fatigue- Im wondering if CFS may be involved with the Fibro as I just had to go to bed today - couldn't function
Good news about DH. Vascular Consultant's secretary said shed get back to us today as Consultant's first clinic would be 6th Niv and tried to get DH in. Apparently the Consultant's will see him in an earlier clinic in a York Nuffield hospital on 31st this month.
So glad as DH seems to be ' crawling' through the days. His new tablets from Cardiologist are called Isosorbide Mononitrate.

Love to all and hoping all have a peaceful night.xx

Nanny2507 - I,m so sorry I put Son instead of DD- senior moment !! I was rushing but that’s no excuse😩

Evening all. Just been to a lovely 90th birthday party for a church friend. She was quite overwhelmed by the number of people who turned up at the care home to celebrate with her. She has no living family of her own and all present we’re just friends she had made over the years.
Scaredycat it’s awful outside. Nice of you to visit your friend. Hope you get home safely.
HVDY sounds like you’ve picked up a bug of some kind. I do hope you’re not going down with something. Hope you are feeling a bit better now. My friend in the care home did have a lovely cake and they decorated the lounge with balloons and banners. She’s a tiny little lady but very quick witted. Very quiet and unassuming. All these people turning up to wish her well made her cry. She had a good time though and looked amazing.
Wyllow hope you got home safely and had a really relaxing time. A difficult situation with this man but even if her does have a problem he cannot go around forcing unwelcome attentions on women.
Nanny I’m so pleased to hear from you. I think moving near to your daughter will be a good thing. How lovely you’ve got a new cat and a bonus kitten. Please let us know how you get on in your new home,
Sweetpeasue it’s good your Dh thinks the new tablets are helping. Do you know what they are? Hope that vascular consultant gets back from holiday soon. Are you still achy or are you feeling a bit better today?

Hi all.
Short post as I,m now off to visit my poorly friend- it’s,tipping down with rain too!
SweetPeaSue- hope you’re feeling better today and that a quiet weekend did you good.
Nanny2507x Good to hear from you . I think you are really brave and wish you happier times,in your new home. Lovely to be near your Son and also having the company of dear little cats.
Wyllow- I hope there will be a healing outcome from the action being taken with this man. So sorry it has had such a bad effect on you and wise to get reassurance . But you have accomplished much this week including your realisation that you are sometimes doing too much.
HVDY- I hope you too will feel better - I,m sure GD1 will help keep LG entertained for you. Take it as easy as you can
Doodle - hope the party is going well. What a lovely thing to do for your friend. That’s a lot of candles!!

It’s stopped raining so I,m off between deluges!!
Love to allxxxx

Doodle That's kind of you to visit a friend in the care home. I expect she'll have a nice birthday, with some cake.

SweetpeaSue LG apparently slept for 4 hours when she got home, and then all night, too. I hope the tablets will start to make a difference to your husband. As Wyllow says, perhaps it'll take a while for them to kick in.

Nanny2507 Your house must have many memories, but being closer to your son must be a good thing - and you've got a couple of furry friends, too

Wyllow3 I hope you didn't think I was trivialising what that man did. I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of unwanted sexual contact like that. I hope the people at Quakers will deal with him. Glad you had a safe (although tiring) journey back and that you enjoyed seeing family.

Felt quite unwell last evening - shivering, despite wearing several layers and a blanket, heating on - DH sat here in shorts and a T-shirt. Then, hot/cold all night. LG and GD1 here for the day, so I'd better liven myself up (though I'd really like to lounge about in bed for hours). Hope everyone has a decent day.

nanny you are very brave and you are doing the right thing - but it has so many emotional associations it must be very, very hard.

I'm just glad yo have the comfort of small furry creatures even if they are a but scratchy.

I'm hoping that the tablets really make a difference to DH, Sweetpeasue - maybe they will take a few days to really start working, flowing?

I'm sorry you missed "first chance" for the cat, Scaredycat. As I said above, Tuesday is not likely to resolve matters, as there are other issues as regards this man. (an arrogance on other matters - It doesn't suit Quaker ways, but he has got worse as he ages. Possibly Them Higher Up in Safeguarding and pastoral concern will need to address his needs as well if he is sadly "losing it" to some extent. this will make no difference as regards what happens to me, he is quite capable of answering for his actions, but in a general way.

too tired to say more, back in tomorrow. It was a long journey as the Yorkshire Marathon was on, long long queues. And yes, the sun came out for the morning, when I was leaving, then turned to heavy rain on the motorway!

I hope tomorrow brightens up you elderly friends day, Doodle, I'm sure it will.

I also really appreciated your words, Allsorts. so come in more often.

Wyllow3 I hope your pleasure of going to Quakers meetings won't be spoilt by the actions of one rather crass man. You do not need to feel guilty of anything at all.

its actually upset me even when on holiday to the extend of losing sleep latterly as it got more and more to me.

HVDY, he was not just crass, he attacked me, grabbing me to him full on quite sexually.

Been talking briefly to one of those this evening who are dealing with it as a disciplinary matter tonight, anger to another which has reassured me it is very serious indeed - and

I may ring the crisis line tomorrow as it has brought back Ex's abuse big time. Being a non person, living with fear of repeats, etc.

- it took a long time (as you said getting over the guilt thing) for me to realise the impact on me, and glad to say it didn't stop me enjoying a lot of the holiday which also gave me time to step back and realise I have been dangerously over busy. so that's all good

but its a real problem for us to deal with - unless he gives a wholehearted and abject apology, I don't know what will be done, but as far as I'm concerned he's not coming to another meeting with me there - and will not be expected to,

Hello everyone. Just thought I'd pop in. I have sold my house and im moving away. Although im looking forward to moving i am scared that I wont be able to shut this front door when I leave. This place is far to big for me and I am moving nearer my DD and downsizing. Although im incredibly annoyed that im still alive I am hanging in there. I cant remember if I told you I'd adopted a new cat. She's called Luna. Well I've also "acquired" a kitten. Poor little thing was being given away at barely 6 weeks old so I took him. Hes so sweet. Puncturing me at every moment he can!

HVDY Hope Littlegirl's cough isn't keeping her awake. Its so good she has an older little cousin who likes to play with her. My sister used to like to mother younger children.
Scaredycat Its a shame you didn't get the cat you liked. It wasn't too be - Im sure the right one will be waiting for you.
Doodle Glad youve enjoyed today's church services. How nice that you and others are seeing the 90 yr old lady in the care home - it will make her birthday special. My DH thinks the new tablets make a difference for a few hrs then pains start to gradually come back. He's only been on them a couple of days but so far no nasty side effects either.
EllieAnne Hoping youve been OK today .
Wyllow Im thinking you must be back home by now . You must be so tired after your journey back and grateful for home comfort and bed. It must have been quite emotional for you too. Would you believe- - the sun reappeared today.

Still achey and very tired so very quiet day. Hope you all have a peaceful night.

Quiet in here tonight.
HVDY I think it’s so lovely the relationship between your granddaughters. How nice the girls are getting to know each other.
I’m thinking of you all. Hope today hasn’t been too bad for anyone.
I’ve had a mixed day. Two nice church services one this morning and one this evening. In between a bit miserable.
Tomorrow I’m going to a 90 the birthday party for one of our congregation who sadly is now in a care home.
I hope the day has been a peaceful and relaxing one for all.
Sleep well xx

Wyllow3 I hope your pleasure of going to Quakers meetings won't be spoilt by the actions of one rather crass man. You do not need to feel guilty of anything at all.

ScaredyCat What a shame "your" cat has been reserved. There will definitely be another that needs a loving home with you. My hairdresser was convicted of trying to illicit meetings/sexual contact with girls under the age of 13 and of having class A indecent photos of very young girls, on his laptop/mobile. Revolting. His poor wife and family, as well as his hairdressing staff, all of whom had no idea about his perversion. It's so sad about your friend.

SweetpeaSue Hope your pains ease off soon, and that your husband isn't too bad tomorrow.

LG was here at 9am - parents and big sister went to see a couple of colleges. DH an I took LG to Son1's, she played with GD1 and their very well-behaved dog, then we all went for a pub lunch. LG was coughing a lot and fell asleep in GD1's arms, then her parents collected her at 2.30.

Had a nice day out today. Went to garden centre for lunch then did a bit of shopping.
Wyllow I hope you’re enjoying your time near the beach. Sorry the weather isn’t being very kind to you. I hope the situation with the Quakers man is dealt with quietly and effectively so that others will not suffer the same problem.
Maybe the other chap just behaves like that with women all the time and didn’t realise some might take it that he was interested in them. You say he’s kind. Perhaps he was just being friendly. I belong to a group where the leader always hugs the women hello. I don’t like it but I realise he means nothing by it as he does it to everyone. It’s not too personal it’s just a one arm hug.
Allsorts could I ask do you still think about your Dh all the time? Not necessarily getting upset but just like in your mind whatever you do. Thank you for your kind and thoughtful posts.
Sweetpeasue sorry you’re not feeling great. Hope you can have a restful weekend and your Dh some relief from the pain. Are his new meds helping?
Scaredycat I m sorry you didn’t get your cat, I’m sure the right ne for you will come along soon.
I am very lucky in the friends I have made, they are kind and supportive. Keeping busy helps me a lot so it’s nice to have people to meet up with,
So sorry about your friend. It’s awful seeing people confused like that.
Hope you don’t have any side effects from your covid and flu. I didn’t.
HVDY I hope you’ve had a better day today. Have you seen any of the family?
Church for me in the morning then maybe some painting

SweetpeaSue Just been reading up about the tablets your husband's been put on. I hope they give him some relief.

Wyllow3 Your words to EllieAnne are wise. I seem to remember, though, she once said she hasn't got the financial means to be able to leave (although there must be Pension Credit, UC, etc she would be able to claim?)

Just a quick post.
Allsorts Nice to see you in. Lovely words for EllieAnne there. I too was married ( first marriage) very young. What a different world it was back then.
Hope you're managing those depressed days . Yes, Fluffball is quite a character.
Scaredycat Oh your poor friend- its so terribly sad. Hope she'll feel calmer after she gets over this meds reaction.
Su h kind and perceptive words to everyone. Take care of yourself.

Sorry can't address everyone. Will try catch up tomorrow. Bad fatigue and body pains. Probs Fibromyalgia flaring.

Love to all.xxx

Hi all
HVDY- Hope you are not feeling so fed up now. It’s hard sometimes when you have had a shock like you had with your hairdresser . It must have made you doubt yourself and your judgement a bit when in reality he was the one pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes. His poor family - a despicable person.
Yesterday the website said “our” cat was reserved with a family . So back to the drawing board. My DD have spent some time over coffee looking at others. I know there is a floof somewhere with our name on him or her.
Doodle- it’s great that you meet up with your Art friends at other times. I have 3 nice friends from my Life drawing days and we meet up regularly for Breakfast and a chat.
You have many nice meet ups to help fill your days. What is lovely is that they are not just time fillers but lovely people who se company you enjoy.
EllieAnne- Wyllow has a good point. We do only have one life and it seems that you would be happier in a little flat of your own where you were free to please yourself and not have to live with the restrictions you do now.
I feel for you I really do- you carry on but it is not doing you any good at all.
SweetPeaSue- Even a short beach walk will benefit your DH although I expect you didn’t feel that when he got breathless so quickly. I hope the new tablets will help him.
Hope too he gets an Appt at the Vascular Clinic on the 6th. The lack of urgency over everything is appalling.
Wyllow- some people just have lovely friendly personalities and have a knack of making others feel special. This man sounds like one of them.
As for the other situation - Don’t feel guilt as you have done nothing wrong
Of course you feel angry- he damaged that feeling of safety and coming home that Quakers gives you. Hopefully those 2 wise people will allay your concerns and you can move on.
Something about the Sea that when you are walking in or near it that heals and makes you glad to be alive. So glad you have had this wonderful time for yourself.
Allsorts- kind and thoughtful words from you.
You have obviously had much hurt in your life but you write with empathy and compassion. I find it really lovely when someone mentions in conversation those I have loved and lost- so many people are afraid to do it though.

Yesterday we visited my friend with Alzheimer’s etc. sadly we could only see her for a very brief time as she had had a very bad allergic reaction to some meds and was waiting to go to Hospital. She didn’t understand what was happening - bless her heart.
This morning after catchat with DD I had my Flu and Covid jabs so taking it easy this afternoon. DH cancelled his as a Golf offer came up so changed his date!
Sending love to all - those mentioned and all our old friends we haven’t heard from lately

I got up and pulled myslef together and had a very early breakfast in order to get to the beach when the tide was out. I did have to chant : when you walk through the storm: but not for very long as the magic of the sea took over, although it's been a gloomy morning.

It does feel rather unfair that I've had 3 hours of sun in 5 days!

I got back and addressed my underlying feelings with DocSis to better understand what happened with the bloke I alluded to last night, there is a tinge of traditional male in there as regards age/only younger women considered as potential partners, but also simply has a total lack of insight that if you are kind, intense, and warm, to a women, going right up to them, even if you know they are very vulnerable, you might create an unintended impression? You might be seen as "coming onto them"

(having always had partners younger than me I've not seen it as an issue).

In a way the situation with the Quaker is much more problematic as its possible it will affect the meeting as a whole: what happened when he grabbled me and how he treated others at the meeting (and has been heading this way for some time) - very hard to deal with unless he agrees with those visiting him on Tuesday. But I am seeing one of the two visitors to him on Monday: the visitors are a retired GP and a Samaritan as well as being lifelong Quakers, and are spot on people to try and heal the situation, and in doing so hopefully heal me a bit of the conflicts of guilt and anger and concerns.