Black Dogs 27

Wyllow, I think you were very brave driving so far and just booking into a hotel. It seems you chose a good one, I would love a room overlooking the sea, I love all its moods.
HVDY, so sorry about your hairdresser, he was seemingly a nice family man, imagine how his wife and son will feel I couldn't look at him again, all those abused children it horrific.. You will find another hairdresser I am sure.
Ellie, your confidence is so low, it must be a dreadful strain at home for you.stood, coukdnt you join a class, art or book club and get out, have a coffee or tea afterward. You can't do a lot about your family, I know that and its nothing to do with age, I was only young when I had mine. I am trying to forgive myself, its hard when you don't really know what I did, more importantly to like myself. Every interaction I have now I am aware how my words can affect the other person. I try to be lighthearted and interested and to listen.
Doodle,you are bound to have down moments when your grief almost consumes you, it wouldnt ge natural if you didn't. Think how long you were together, a lifetime but you keep going because he would want you happy and you have a different life to build. You are doing well.It's been over 20 years for me and he is still in my heart, people rarely mention him as their lives are full etc. and thats only natural too.
Sweetpea, love the sound of Fluffyball.

I wrote that very late and tried to settle down to sleep with a bit extra meds.

Very bad night - dozed on and off. Its the man from the meeting stuff reaction (I didnt say a lot here, probably because he is so lovely and genuine and I had no doubts or drama)

- but last nights finding out his full situation re women after getting that much attention initially that I am small and insignificant in his world isn't great, got a lot of anger in there

The Quaker thing remains troubling in my mind not because it was a very bad attack physically but the context of it being Quakers:
as far from any situation I'd imagine it in, and that whatever happens there is going to got be quite a lot of fallout and several of us "in the know" waiting for unpredictable consequences

Its not only common for DD's to see their mum and stay in close contact more than DS's see their mum and often that can mean the DD's family being more involved although not always...

but when I mention it to psychiatrists/psychologists or CPN's they recognise it straightaway. Of course there are exceptions especially if the DD's mum has been actively cruel.

But Ellie Anne you were never, ever that.
Surely they know you and DH don't get on? Are you trying to hide that too? What good is that?

Its certainly been a struggle for me and one I've only just got to the point of beginning to win through to win DiL's trust, and she has been actively unkind at times and wanting DS to herself, but she is coming round on that one as now I am weller DS likes to be with me,

but she'll never confide in me, at least, not as yet. Thats OK: my family as a child rarely saw rellies at all, I was used to it, had few expectations, never did expect them to make it all all right, aware that I have MH support, take meds. (it occurs that that is why I'm able to share my being ill, it doesnt all fall on them?

I was an absent mother and mother in law through my son's 20's and paid the cost. Then with Ex they all learnt to trust us both and oh, terrific, Ex turns out to be abusive not just to me but directly to DiL.

So hardly surprising that in my last depression I felt that I had lost them all.

But I was wrong. Something about the way I was with the kids especially had lasted and when I did come out of the depression found they had kept me alive in their and childrens minds.

Could you say more you'd like to see them and be prepared to visit alone?

But also think it's time to really consider and get out of the marriage. What good does it do to stay in? I know there were some financial constraints, but what price happiness when you only have one life to live?

You will be more free to make friends, to do what you want when YOU want, cook for YOU, go to bed and gt up when YOU WANT, watch what you want when YOU want, stop looking after someone who can do it for himself?

Yes its hard being alone but what you have is worse

Today I did very little, too tired, but did some thinking ahead and above all its taken a lot of energy as in a direct WhatsApp put in just the right way to find out where I stood with the man who was so attentive to me at a meeting

- just lets say he is genuinely kind, was not leading me on but unaware and perhaps a bit thoughtless giving me so much attention at that point:

.... but already has a long term settled life which includes not just one special person but other friendships with women which frankly, were I the "special one", I wouldn't like at all, I want/need someone for me who wants similar enough things if there is to be another relationship.

Sweetpeasue glad you got to see GP even for only a short time. Good idea about the vascular secretary too. Hope your Dh gets seen soon. Do hope the new tablet helps. Do you know what it’s for? Is it to help him breathing?
HVDY sorry you were bored and fed up yesterday. Sometimes it’s hard to get the energy up for anything. Hope you’ve had a better day today

HVDY some people can deceive us. Must have been a shock for you though.
Scaredycat oh how exciting. I do hope that furry friend will be yours soon.
Yes we do have a coffee break in art. Lots of chat. We’re all meeting up next week for lunch it’s half term so no art class.
So sad about your friend. Hard for family too
Wyllow yes you all supported me so much. Lovely to have such a close group.
What an amazing trip you had to day. How nice to meet someone that you could chat to. No wonder you’re tired now.
What a wonderful room you have with a great view. Enjoy
Sweetpeasue yes the pain issue surprised me too. I think because it was nerve pain nothing much blocked it. The doctors told me they were giving DH enough meds to knock out a horse but it didn’t take his pain away. The hospice can give more pain relief but only when you get to end of life care I think.
Ellie Anne I know you’re hurting and there’s nothing I can say to help. We all feel left out at times. Our granddaughters go and have lunch with their other grandma quite often. They always saw more of her when they were little too. But I know a lot of it is circumstances. Proximity of people. It’s usually a fact that grandchildren see more of their maternal grandparents family than paternal but I know our grandchildren love me. Please try not to get stressed about it. The situation is quite common among my friends. Good idea to see if your son can meet up soon.

Nice walk this morning then to hospice for lunch. Pleasant day,

Wyllow Oh what a lovely surprise about you new room, it sounds amazing.
You will need that rest after hurling your bike around yesterday. The Tai Chi will be good for you ,much slower and will go perfectly with your yoga.
Hope your beach walk was OK. Thinking of you this afternoon when we were on the beach with Fluffball.
HVDY My dad was about 35 when I was born( mum 19?) Big age gap bit they got along OK. Hope youve had a good day. I think you might be more adventurous than I am .😉
Scaredycat You must be looking so forward to having that tabby. Glad your friend has a caring family and others too, makes all the difference but a terrible situation indeed.
Yes I'll be with DH when he goes for stress test so will voice my concerns though I expect they'll be careful.
EllieAnne I think many daughters gravitate more to their own parents than sons do- generally. I have had pangs of feeling left out with my DGD as son 1 lives a couple of hrs away and DILs parents live close to them. What you are feeling is natural . I just tell myself that DGD is lucky to have other grandparents close and to help. The 'Silent Divorce' thing does seem like your own situation and is so difficult for you. With an actual divorce , friends and family all know the situation but youve been putting on an act . What Scaredycat says is worth a thought- by asking first when the school holidays are coming up. I do hope your son can meet up with you.
* Doodle* Hope your day has been OK.

DH rang for GP appt this morning. I wanted to keep them up to date with what's happening - in his Angina diagnosis for one and also to adjust/ add meds.Receptionist can't make F2F appts so he had to wait for GP to call and ask her. GP said he could ring pharmacist line about the meds so he said 'well there are a couple of other things too' so she said well you do know the appt can only be 10mins 🙄 . At the appt I told her of the Angina and how we wanted to have a catch up with her about it and we needed a GPs support. That DH just may be looking at 2 ops. She prescribed him the mononitrate tablets -- and DH got up as 10min approached.
Next rang Vascular secretary to ask if DH could have an appt made now and not wait a few weeks before one was made. We told her that he's now got Angina and the Cardiologist thought Vascular consultant should know. She's getting back to us Monday to see if she can get him in for his clinic on the 6th.

Took Fluffball to the beach and she fetched - and buried- sticks. Only out 20 mins and DH was breathless ,he actually leant agai st car when we got back. He's taken this new tablet at 4 so hoping it will help.

Thanks for listening and being here.

Hoping all our other BD friends are OK and taking care of themselves. X

EllieAnne I've just Googled "silent divorce". What an unhappy life. If there's no love between you, could you leave?

ScaredyCat the cat sounds beautiful. Will you stick to the name she's got, or change it? Wise words to EllieAnne.

*EllieAnne It's hard to put on a happy face when you're so unhappy. As ScaredyCat said, perhaps the other gran suggested the meet-up. You put yourself down a lot. Don't. You're a good mum and gran. Your negative feelings are part of depression.

Hvdy I try to be a happy gran but of course ds knows especially after the golden wedding stuff in the summer.

Hi all
Doodle- yes my friend has a loving family and friends she can rely on. It is an absolute nightmare situation though.
Glad you are enjoying your Art- it’s such a companiable way to learn and make friends too. Do you have a coffee break half way through.
Wyllow- I try and walk 2 miles a day plus normal steps in the house etc.There is a Costa close to the WT so there is continual temptation lurking.
That was a great day out both planned and unplanned. Most people have a story to tell and some you just gel with. I think you have a knack with people. Your new room sounds perfect - to see the sea from bed is dreamy. You deserve being seen after - just so pleased you’re enjoying your break.
Tai Chi will be right up your street and the philosophy of it too.
HVDY- What a shock to discover somebody you liked and trusted for many years was not who you thought they were. I,m so sorry no wonder you felt fed up last evening.
Well,yesterday I filled in an adoption form on line. Today I looked at the website and it said reserved on the one we applied for. So guess we have to wait and see. She is a long haired tabby aged 6.
SweetPeaSue- it takes courage to read aloud to a group but a good way to get the feel of a book.perhaps you could all meet up on another day for a chat and coffee.
I don’t think they would do DH stress test if they don’t think it’s safe on the day. As Doodle said you could quietly mention how frightened you are about it on the day.
EllieAnne- I just Googled Silent Divorce and must admit it sounds very much how you describe your life at present
Perhaps the other Gran etc made the invitation to your Son and family. Next school holidays you could perhaps do that.
You are not old and boring unless you believe that- try not to anticipate them not wanting to meet up.
Be kinder to yourself Ellie Anne x

Love to all mentioned and not. Hope the weekend holds some brightness for you all.

Wyllow3 How great to be able to see the entire bay. Have you had a good day?

EllieAnne I don't think the age you were when your son was born has anything to do with it. My Mum was 36, Dad 40, when I was born (youngest of 4) and that didn't make any difference to me. Don't take this the wrong way, but do you show your unhappy state when you're with your son? I don't think our children want to see us being unhappy. My husband and I are boring when compared to a lot of people. We're quiet, unadventurous, and introverts. Nothing wrong with that. I hope your son says yes to meeting up. Perhaps tell him you'd love to see him and his family.

Have just lost a longer than usual post. Came across something by accident about silent divorce and was stunned by how accurate it was described my situation exactly.
Quite upset this week. Dgs off this week school holidays. Fb full of pics of the family out having fun which is great but it’s clear in the pics that other gran and various other family members are there too. We are never invited along and have not heard from them all week . I know we are older and live further away but we ( or just me if too much walking for him) would love to be included. I feel he is more part of dinl family than his own . We are old and boring but I was 34 when I had him ( he’s my youngest and) and Dh is older than me. Nothing we can do about that. I’m going to message to see if he wants to meet over the weekend. Not expecting anything tho.

Well I said no need to call me Your Maj, HVDY, as the next room was to be a come down.

They've changed the intended room, and I am in one of their prime single bedrooms, overlooking the whole bay even when I'm lying down. On the first floor where everything is graded up a level....

(Yes I did check there wasn't going going be a wedding or a similar "do" underneath me)

I am absolutely worn out after yesterday, so more than happy to sit in my "room with a view" and not do much at all, just reflect on resolutions for getting back. Actually have made a couple. I'm not going to ahead with more Aikido. At my age, if I had continued from when I was in mid 50's, it would have ben OK, but not starting anew.

I'm going to go to tai-chi at the gym instead.

Hardly surprisingly, given yesterdays exertions, and the lovely view, I'm not intending to go out except for that beach walk about 12.15 when the tide is reasonably out.

EllieAnne I think we all wondered how you were. Hope you're managing to get out and see people.

EllieAnne Thanks for coming in. I think we're all wondering how you are.
Finding the 'right' words is difficult indeed. I feel the same. Hoping you're managing your difficult home life. X

I like that you are thinking of us all, Thank you Ellie Anne. It's nice that you check in until you find the right words. x

Well HVDY Maybe he was one of those men who are "hale fellow well met" outside the home but different to his family. Ex's Dad was like that big time, it explained a lot. Not enough, but some insight.

I’ve tried to post but can’t find the right words.
Feeling so sad but still thinking of everyone.

ScaredyCat Ooh, you're getting a cat . Male or female? What colour and age?

Doodle I liked that hairdresser, he seemed such a nice, sensible man (it goes to show we never really know some people). Glad you had a good day. The church is one of your places of comfort, which is nice.

Sweetpeasue I thought I could read people. Apparently not. His wife and sons, as well as his staff, must feel bereft. I'm sorry your husband is so unwell. No wonder you're worried.

Hope everyone else has been ok. I'm going to bed very early, as quite frankly, I'm bored and quite fed-up today x

Oh Scaredycat - just - absolutely heartbreaking, one can't say anything else. I just know that your listening will have comforted her - what else can you do but be there? How far do you manage you walk on a good day? Yes, it is good having the Woodland Trust on the doorstep, does it have coffee and cake as well.

Just the way you describe it, Doodle - what better way to help and comfort, that service. I'm glad you like the art and agree the natter matters just as much. I recall those last 3 months walking that journey with you x

Goodness me HVDY what a shock about the hairdresser - both the closing and the reason. I'm glad that LG has picked up. what will you do re hairdressing, do you know any others?

Her Majesty, (to be demoted to Lady in Waiting tomorrow when I downsize rooms slightly (its a big old hotel and all the rooms are big compared with modern ones tbh - its 3 star)

...had a remarkable day. I judged rightly that the cycling would not make the injury worse. I did as planned, visiting the Secret Beach, nipping round a cliff before the tide came in to get to the cafe.

And me and another woman about my age got chatting. She had also been the victim of an abusive marriage, although it ended quite a time ago.

Her daughter has come to tell her, aged 21, that her Dad has abused her as a teenager. She had had no idea She immediately set out on divorce, of course and her and her daughter prosecuting Ex, (he pleased guilty in the end and therefore didn't really get punished,

(it wouldnt happen these days I hope since the "me too" movement")

She is fortunate, she lives 3 miles from DD and DGC. She has had relationships but now decided to be single and goes walking a lot on her own.

Quite a chat we had, as you can imagine. then said goodbye warmly at the parting of ways.

Then I took the wrong route, not greatly, but enough to mean that I ended up not only heaving the bike over obstacles (large stones, steps up a narrow bridge..

..but I accidentally cycled...nearly 19 km.

Yes!!!!!

Really, I couldn't believe myself. Went straight to sleep back at the hotel. the back thing is still there, but after lots of self massage and a very hot shower and long hot bath it's OK but I'm pretty sure tomorrow will be very stiff and not do a lot just a beach wander. No sun alas.

It's so nice just to be looked after re food, warm very comfy place, no one bothering me but always people around. It has cost an arm and a leg but a real break so far despite the dark bits.

Thank you for listing all those we recall and would love to hear from, Scardeycat

HVDY Hoping Littlegirl is feeling better today. Its awful seeing them miserable and not well.
That must have been a tremendous shock ,finding out about your hairdresser like that. All the times he did your hair and chatted to you- you must feel you never knew him at all .
Scaredycat I can't imagine how upset your friend must feel or how difficult such a situation is when shes not well herself and having her DH so poorly. Your heart must feel very heavy for them, Im so sorry. Yes, that friend was there . Its quite a formal reading group though and we sit in a circle and take turns reading. Not a great amount of time for a good chat really.
Doodle So glad you're getting so much from your art classes. Also your church bereavement group too ,you must have formed really close friendships there.
It must be difficult to remember your DH in so much pain - I thought there was more that Drs could do to help though I remember my mum taking Ketamine in the hospice. Hospices are far better able to make patients comfortable than hospitals aren't they.
Yes, DH goes for the stress test on 4th November and it does concern me. Today he needed the spray after just half n hr walking around some shops and had to sit on a bench then again after we got home.
Wyllow The sun was forecast to get out a little today but I dont know what happened to it. Thinking of you and hoping you're ok .

Wyllow hope you are having a good time and relaxing a bit,
Do you have your evening meals there or go out somewhere local?
Sweetpeasue sadly Dh was in considerable pain for the last 6-7 months of his life. The amount of pain killers he was having only eased the problem. At the end he was on morphine but still in pain. Nerve pain is a dreadful thing.
When does your Dh go for his stress test? I take it you’ll be going with him, make sure you tell them how worried you are about him doing it. Hoping things improves soon.

Scaredycat I’m sorry for your friend and her family. It’s hard to cope with on seriously ill family member let alone two. Hope they have support from wider family and friends.
Art today was good. I always enjoy the company, lovely people.
Went to bereavement group at church today and had a lively simple service but so beautiful. Finished up with a sung version of the Lord bless you and keep you. Such a restoring piece of music.
HVDY what a surprise about your hairdressers closing down. It must have come as a big shock to you especially the reason for the closure. Glad Lg feeling better.

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- bet your heart sank when Fluffball did her disappearing act. That must have seemed a very long minute.
Glad you’re persevering with the book club- it must be nice with not too many people as you can get to know them a bit easier.Was your nice friend there?
I do hope that eventually your DH s pain and accompanying problems are resolved soon .The worry must feel endless.
Doodle- I hope that one day soon you will be able to get to the sea- it is so healing.
Our children are all special aren’t they. Your Sons sound lovely caring people and DiL are a gift too. My Son shops once a year when he comes over !!
Yesterday was a difficult one. Went to see my dear friend who we take to her hospital appts and is very poorly. She told us that her DH hasn’t long to live . It was so sad to see her having to cope with her own illness and listening to her DS tell us about his Dad. They are lovely people and my heart aches for them both. You will understand how she feels.
Hope you,ve created a masterpiece today- Art is such a wonderful distraction isn’t it.
HVDY- we are lucky to have a Woodland Trust on our doorstep and countryside within easy walking distance. My days of walking many miles are no more - but I,m lucky to walk as far as I do.DH has always been fit due to his career. Between us we have done lots of different sports.
The Aqua day when the SN folk take part must be fun. It’s great for them to feel the freedom of the water.
Hope LG feels better today-;they pick up lots of bugs at her age don’t they. I found a nice cat on a rescue site so have put in an application - 🤞
Wyllow- I hope your Royal Highness is feeling more comfortable today and been able to get on your bike.
I had a wonderful mental picture of you splashing about on the beach and singing at the top of your voice. Your photograph is beautiful. I could spend all day taking pics on a beach.
Love too that you claimed it for yourself - it most definitely is YOURS. You are understanding yourself so well now- enjoy your special places
EllieAnne- how are you today?
Nadateturbe- sending a hug
Candy- hope you are OK.
Allsorts- thinking of you.
Love to all- those mentioned and those we missx

The local Facebook group, I mean

Wyllow3 LG was well enough to go to nursery today .

I've had a shock today - my hairdresser's shut down, with no notice, a couple of weeks ago. The sign outside was changed, the salon emptied, the website shut down, no building work or anything being done. I asked on the local DB group, and it turns out the 70 year old Italian man who owned the place for 20 years (and whom I got on very well with) has gone to prison for 5 years! For online child abuse charges, having class A indecent images of children on his laptop and mobile. It goes to show that "dirty old men" can often appear normal and decent. He's married with adult sons (no GC, just as well).