Black Dogs 27

Doodle Glad you have the TV and Wi-fi on again- you need that for distraction at times. I could imagine you coming across DHs slipper and shoe in the bag. The reality of that memory flooding back of your DHs condition - it must have been such a cruel blow. Hope youve seen friends at church today.
EllieAnne I hope you also have had a brighter morning to relieve those dark thoughts and seen friends at church. We're a few miles from the sea but also on high ground which means we get a fair share of snow though right on the coast dont seem to get much. Do come in and keep telling us how you are- we care.
HVDY Hope today hasn't been like yesterday for you and youve perhaps seen family. Been brighter here today. Yes, DH appt on Wednesday.
Scaredycat You have so many friends going through a bad time - it must be very difficult for you to keep from being anxious and sad. You always seem to know what to say to us all and Im sure you are a great help to your friends. Hope the AF isn't more erratic since all this bad news.
Wyllow Do hope the extra meds have meant youve been able to relax a little and slow down. You've done so well to have all those workmen in and around your home and I can well understand how daunting it must be after your ex's abuse. I think it will take time to get full trust back but Im glad your ex husband and yourself have a friendly relationship and can talk . Hope youve had a peaceful Quakers meeting today.

Im up and pottering. Headache still there but not nearly as bad. DH has been
better , thank goodness, I've been so worried in case it affected us going for scan on Wednesday. Its an hr and 15mins there. We're still weak but on the mend. DHs arm very bad because of SS every day.
Love to all and those who can't come in. Thinking of Nadateturbe* Allsorts** Candy* and sorry if left anyone out. Head still not bright.x

Any one in?
I’m having a coffee at a cafe before I get home to the great mess. Quakers was lovely… then I did a strong gym and achieved 2 personal goals: onto Sainsburys rush before 4pm, I remembered most stuff.
How’s folks?

I think the saddest thing today was a bloke walking near the entrance to Sainsburys (just passing, striding along)
. Taking to himself, no problem, what was hard was the intense pain watched on his face. If I could have intervened, I would, but he was gone too quickly and he was so in his own appalling world.

ElllieAnne what helped me in BD's was that somehow, despite cutting off everyone else except MH people as regards dark thoughts, I managed to voice them in here at times.

Please do if you can, for (only in retrospect), it helped me being accepted as I was, not a horrible worm sort of thing. and people did accept me, and they will accept you x

Poor Sweetpeasue you are in a rotten state. thank you for letting us know DH is a little better, I expect he is able to make you cuppas and if you can eat a bit.

Well thats what the summer has taught me HVDY ie men not being horrible and doing harm etc. Long day for you there, but isnt it nice to be in contact with the family - I had a real nice surprise too, M, aged 11, phoned me back with DS's help as DS was too tired to chat, and we had a fun natter together. Happy grandma.

But the first one to come was C the gardener and his lovely lad who did the labouring and I knew him from way back and that was a clear choice, but I knew him well enough to know we had shared values, views, and local people on the alternative scene..

But men outside of that - well, who is to know they weren't like Ex? who lied so well? And Mr Costa, whose head is in a very mixed up sad place but was quite happy to pour out all his stuff on me...and said it was Karma and so on.

But I dont see why I shouldn't be assessing men as possible partners. It's what I want, after all: as *Scaredycat" says, it's how I go about it. Scardeycat, thinking of you too in tough times.

And anyway my son is not like that at all but it was tricky as my Ex had been simply appalling to his wife my DiL and its taken some time to heal that memory. I still know they don't understand how hard it was to put him behind me - thats because they haven't experienced it and tbh DiL would never let herself be caught up in it as her family has no history of MH at all - she has a great theoretical understanding, but that really isnt the same..

Hvdy I don’t think we will get snow. We are by the coast and get very little.
Sorry I’ve not been in but have been having dark thoughts. Still think of you all.

Wyllow3 What a terrible thing your ex witnessed and dealt with, at such a young age. My mum suffered "with her nerves" for as long as I remember, and often used to say we'd find her with her head in the oven one day. I've never heard of anyone actually doing it, until now. Re you having workmen etc., into your home - not all men are horrible or want to do you harm. In the same way that they aren't all possible romantic interests, either. I hope you've been able to relax more today by taking extra meds.

Doodle Glad your internet and tv are back up and running again. Finding little things like your husband's slipper was bound to make you sad, but you cope very well.

ScaredyCat I've got bedding on the clothes horse - it's rained here just about all day, and is extremely windy. I feel ok, thanks, but very tired (perhaps due to boredom/being indoors all day). I've had the flu jab for years, since I did care work, but am not bothered about having the Covid one.

EllieAnne How are you? I gather Scotland is due to get some snow soon . Are you able to get out?

SweetpeaSue Hope you are both feeling a bit better. Not long until your husband's hospital appointment?

It's been a long day- awake at 6.15, haven't been out but have been in touch with the family. Hope ALL BDers are ok x

Sorry , can't read everyone's posts. Screen too bright. DH improving and up. Im worse- headache unusually bad and dizzy when stood, in bed all day . Hit me bad.
Take care BDs .xx

Hi all
Wyllow- I,m sure we would have nattered for hours- it would have been nice. Hope your Ex enjoyed his visit. What a dreadful experience he had at such a young age. It’s not surprising that it occupies his mind sometimes. With all our traumas they sometimes pop up and bite you on the bum years later.
Hopefully your own experience with all the workmen etc proves that not all men are manipulative and divisive. But neither are all men potential suitors😀You are being so sensible to just potter a bit and contact your loved ones etc. But also you need some serious stuff as you have a lively mind that enjoys being stretched.
Doodle - glad you are in business again. You are so right we rely on our internet for so many things.
Hope your little trees don’t blow over in this mad wind. We put bedding on the line and it went manic twirling about. It’s dry now and didn’t fly off!!
What a poignant picture you paint of finding the slipper in the cupboard. To come across something so evocative must have brought back so much. The sadness will always be there but you,ll ride the waves and they will get easier.
EllieAnne- hope you haven’t blown away! We haven’t seen you lately.
HVDY- Hope you’re feeling OK after your jab. Last years made me feel poorly and sooo tired. Not looking forward to it this year.
SweetPeaSue- hope everything is OK and that you and DH are recovering from the dreaded Covid.
Nadateturbe- so hope you,ve been able to do something nice today- however small xx

Love to all- missing those we,ve not seen lately.

Oh, I'm the same, Doodle..I'm OK for a bit the TV not working, (my lap top is up to showing films etc, but not being online is losing access to friends and chat even when home alone. Glad you got sorted pretty soon.

Finding something like that in your hall cupboard is enormous. an immediate, intimate trigger. I dont blame you for crying your eyes out.

Yes, it would be good to hear how you are doing too, Ellie Anne

I'm taking a wee bit extra meds soon to get rest - I'm still on "cant stop mode" because of excessive busy-ness.

BT man came and I’m back online again. Couldn’t watch Tv last night didn’t realise I relied on it so much,
Wyllow glad you’re getting som order into sorting out your house and getting the work done. Nice you went to the gym with Ex and had a good catch up. He obviously has issues to deal with too.
Scaredycat so sorry about your friends and their daughter. What an awful thing to happen. Must be so upsetting having a little one to care for and worry about too. Some things are just so hard to cope with.
I was amazed how hard it was yesterday evening without internet access. I read quite a lot to pass the time though.
Sweetpeasue do hope your Dh is improving. Not long now before his appointment.
HVDY hope you have no side effects from the jab and Jaffa was good at the vets. Very windy today here too I’m hoping my artificial trees on the balcony don’t fall over. I’ve tied them to the railings.
Decided today to clear out our hall cupboard.. Hardly ever go into it. I came across a bag with one of DH’s shoes in and a slipper. I spent a few seconds wondering why I had one of each then realised this was a hospital bag and there was only one of each because when DH went into hospital his leg was bandaged toe to knee. I just stood there with a scruffy well loved slipper in my hand and cried. I am managing a lot better now but the sadness never goes away.
Take care in the wind all.
Ellie Anne hope you’re ok

Things are very quiet today. I've been in contact with family and friends online, tried to concentrate on a film, and a bit of tidying up. My body hasn't let go of being "hyper", it will take some time, but its nice to have time to catch up on BiL and send some nice pix to him and some other activities - for example there is a MIND campaign on new laws on mental health (mainly guidelines on sectioning, but actually wider than the as it has to do with overall MH funding .

Or its lack of.

How are you, Sweetpeasue? - concerned as you havent been in awhile.

here's one for all of us xx

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Xh6R8dvKFI&list=RD6Xh6R8dvKFI&start_radio=1

Oh, we'd have had a great time in there for a natter, Scaredeycat

My first Ex was going off to the cat club after seeing me as a cat fan ...I'll be back there if I need the rest in town.

Ex is currently doing therapy to unpick the past and why some things happened - including why he let me down so badly when I was really really M ill - but also his childhood and early adulthood (appalling, he pulled his mum out of her head in the gas oven aged 6) so a lot to talk about thats quite deep, but never any blaming, just understanding.
I'd say atm he is getting more from me than vice versa as he undertakes his journey

From the point I got some gardeners in - June - they were the first men I had let in my life since Abusive Ex. ..and from then till now I have counted 17 men I've had to have in the house, tho just the toilet for some of them...then there was buying the bike and bike carrier thats another 4/5....

That is quite something for me and it has given me confidence, but I'm not entirely happy with the ultra confident persona I have had to adopt to cope with some as in the "I won't take any nonsense but also sort of winning them over by working with them".

Hard work. Only 2 lots were really tough. and they were, too.

With many, I've been able to share what happened and it's been fine. I vet the boss of the firms carefully when they come to quote, and not surprisingly if they are kind and pleasant then the people they employ are decent people.

I've got used to the house being untidy and so on, although I wouldn't have managed without the cleaner sorting me out, and I'm looking at the calendar ahead with total relief as I want my house back and my vulnerability back.

Hi all
Doodle- hope you’re back in business soon. Although sometimes it drives you nuts we so miss the internet if we’re without it don’t we.
SweetPeaSue- Glad you got home safe and sound- it was the right thing to do.I hope you both feel improved today but Covid really does take it out of you doesn’t it.
HVDY- I think that my friends Daughter had her baby later in her life- it was a much longed for little one.its so desperately sad.
Oh naughty Jaffa- my DD has leather settees but so far so good.
She never leaves them in the room alone though.
Wyllow- it’s so nice that you get on with your first Ex. He must have been so glad to see you so much better. You must share a lot of memories.
It,ll be good when all outside work is completed so you can then enjoy pottering in your garden and also have some hanging out time to do all the things you enjoy.
We haven’t had any storm but a dreary drizzly day- the same again tomorrow I think. I could just do with the Cat Cafe at the moment. So happy you enjoyed it.

Love to all- mentioned and those we miss. Wishing you all a peaceful nightx

Wyllow3 I feel ok at the moment, so we'll see if the jab affects me over the weekend. Jaffa was very well-behaved at the vet's - he goes into the carrier with no bother whatsoever. He's got scratching posts, has never used them. Glad all went well with the roofers. It's good that you haven't got much to do this weekend - it'll do you good to relax a bit. It's really windy here, and it's rained every bit of the day.

Hope everyone else has been alright x

I'd be interested in how you reacted to the flu jab, HVDY, a couple of people at my meeting last night said it had affected them quite a bit for the first time. It's a real ouch on that sofa - I don't know how you could possibly train him not to, so trimming is the right option.

ahem. Roofer One and Two. Roofer 2 turned up to finish th interval bit of the bay window, and a nice job he has made of it too. while he was here, indoors, Roofer 1 (the actual boss - aka Big Cheese) "popped by" so two rival firms were chez moi 🙃, but not a problem as no 2 was fascinated by the mini drone Big Cheese had to look at the roof, and agreed best left.

We went into great detail as in how clay tiles weathered and crumbled and end results and of course I knew it all from Sculpture so he said I could be a Roofer. (I do get really interested in materials and processes). Mr Pebbledasher is the same, I got a quote for all the back of the house, the rest is OK, to be done in the early spring.

In between I went to my gym to meet up with my first DH and had a long chat/catch up/discussion.

I couldn't drop off, too wound up, totally frazzled, but no have to's this weekend.

Miss you, Doodle

How have other BD's fared today? The storm has arrived, very dramatic.

Internet probs. Got engineer tomorrow. Back then take care x

SweetpeaSue So sorry your husband feels so unwell. I think you were right to go home, and I hope he improves soon. Keeping hydrated is important, as you know. Paracetamol is probably the only thing that will help much.

ScaredyCat The lady who is terminal must be young, if she's got a child of 2 1/2. That's very sad indeed.

Wyllow3 It's good that you're getting the various jobs seen to before we get bad weather. Nice that you get on so well with your 1st ex. No, no curry at the pub - I had quiche, salad and jacket potato. DH had pie and chips, and peas.

Not a lot today - Jaffa's going to have his claws trimmed, although he's ruined one of our leather settees (they're 4 years old). I'm going to have a flu jab, and the rest of the day will be lazy. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

Oh I thought of you in the cat cafe, Scaredycat, naturally. I like the idea of a hoovered garden. I'm so sorry to hear about your friends' DD. Take care - it's all piling on for you at the moment. So very, very sad for you atm.

You did the right thing coming home, Sweetpeasue. Not just being poorly but the storms coming and driving in them..home is always best when matters are as they are.

Yes, do get help, Doodle is really spot on. Poor both of you, what a time you have had of it. Keep posting x

That was a productive day, HVDY...was it curry at the pub?
It sounds weather wise that hunkering down will be the things for a couple of days.

After my cleaner/friend had come (we did lots of sorting/tidying bits and bobs) I went to bed to sleep, utter exhaustion....

it was interrupted by the good news that in fact Roofer 2 as in the bay window will come tomorrow morning to finish the job off. Sigh of relief, and I'm seeing my nice first Ex, later in the morning, he comes over to my city ever so often and the gym cafe is convenient. Always lots to chat about.

I went to a meeting tonight, which wasn't quorate, so we had good discussions. Yes I'm tired out of a summer of workmen but its coming to an end: although Mr Pebbledash is coming in the afternoon, its to discuss well in the future work, although if they can just do the repairs on the damaged bit of wall when all the kitchen/bathroom water outlets are before the winter it will be a yes.

I need time to just hang out and do what I want, and its coming up - so many emotions to process and absorb, just when I look bucket my posts and crisis this week its shouting out" hunker down for a while, feel the feelings".

Just some nice gardening stuff - a hoover like you had Scardeycat, and my nice woman gardener to have for a morning to finish this years planting and the last grass cut.

Warm wave Doodle, I'm glad you came in.

Doodle Thankyou. I remembered what you'd said last time this happened with DH which was why I knew it could be serious. Wasn't sure if we should stay there or come home knowing how he was but we've managed to get back home today. He'd stopped shivering but started again when we went out this morning. I must say , last night was very scared indeed for him.
So we're back home and taking paracetamol- should he start to worsen again during night I'll not hesitate to get medical help. Once again thankyou Doodle.

Sweetpeasue if your DH is shivering and hot and cold please ring 111 and get him checked over. If someone is shivering despite being wrapped up warm it could be sepsis. I say this not to frighten you but because you need to check him out. Give him paracetamol to bring down the temperature. Please buy a thermometer it’s so useful to be able to check if he has high temp. This happened to DH several times the first time I did 999 and he was rushed to hospital. Needed intravenous antibiotics. I’m not suggesting that’s what your Dh has but please don’t take any chances.
Sorry I wasn’t going to post much tonight as I have a lot on but I just wanted to contact Sweetpeasue . My internet is so slow I’m not getting far. Be in tomorrow to catch up. Keep safe all.

Hi all.
Doodle- the tree men were so tidy it looked like they had hoovered the garden. We are pleased,thank you.
My poor friends are having such hard times at the moment .The DH of my poorly friend has the same cancer as my Sister - it is a terrible situation..
You did have the most wonderful marriage and lovely the comfort the photos and vids give you. He would be so proud of you as you try so hard to live this new life.
SweetPeaSue- oh you poor things .Covid is horrible at the best of times but away from home not easy to deal with at all.
Hope,you,ve got something from the chemist to help alleviate the symptoms. Yes not an easy decision . Hopefully tomorrow you,ll both feel more able to tackle the drive home.
HVDY- that bedding sounds fun- who wouldn’t love it.My friend will get her chemo next week. We then take her to Hospital 2 days later for a follow up appt.
You have been busy today- I have too. Coffee and a walk with Dad this morning after putting the washing out.Potted up pansies for the fences- love to see their little faces from indoors. Did Tescos online order- more expensive every week!! Posted some birthday cards as well.
Your GC sound lovely and in you and DH they have 2 people they can totally rely on and know they are loved. SweetPeaSue put it so much better.
Wyllow- your BiLsounds a brave person and must so appreciate the camaraderie between you all.Its amazing how much a Hospital room with a view can lift the spirits. I remember my Sister was able see the hills from one of hers.
Wish I,d gone to the Cat cafe with you- they are lovely.
That was a marvellous day for you in all respects. Your picture is great. Having a short time to do the work meant the painting was instinctive and real. No time for alterations just your feelings at that moment.Safety,love,light,care ,nurturing and the healing warmth of the sun.
What a tale of 2 roofers! So good to hear the confidence in your words. Yes you can do anything . Just take your time it doesn’t have to be done at lightening speed!! Don’t forget to eat either😀
Nadateturbe- you are so kind to think of us when every day at the moment is such an effor5 for you. Thank you for the hugs- they are very welcome at the moment.

Went out last evening and met another person I know . Yet another sad story. Their DD is terminally ill and faces a huge operation . She has a 2 and a half year old she waited years for as well. There are no words for such sadness .

Take care dear friends make the most of your days.
Love to allxxxxx

DH shivering again and wanted to travel home as worried we get worse and are stranded. Told him he def wasn't up to it but somehow we've managed it. Just got in. So relieved. He's coughing terrible .

Wyllow3 How odd about the roofers . Hope they're fixing the problem ok.

SweetpeaSue The grandchildren are all good kids - DG1 has settled down without the disruptive girls she was previously hanging about with. I bribed her with the promise of £5.50 every weekend, so long as she behaves in school. So far, so good....

So sorry to hear you and your husband aren't well. What a disappointment and worry for you. I hope the stuff from the chemist helps.

It's been a productive day - DH did some weeding and hung washing out. I vacuumed, mopped and polished. We had lunch in a pub, got afew things from Aldi, and took a lot of stuff to a charity shop. It's quite chilly now. x

Excuse not addressing all.
Wyllow Painting of woman cradling infant so very beautiful and comforting. Amazing to cover such large surface in so little time. You are rising- keep going , slowly.
HVDY Wyllow so right about the love and caring you give all your DGC . You are a rock in their lives and you really are a wonderful grandparents. Nursery where we are is called Little Acorns and so apt -- your grandchildren have a firm foundation and will grow kind and caring people.
Nadateturbe Thinking of you.x

Terrible night friends. DH shivering and me piling blankets on him though he was hot. Up and down , over again. Scared as no temp thermometer or BP gauge . Head still feels bursting and DH stopped shivering . Going in to Bo'ness shortly to pick up stuff from chemist.
Not bought covid packs for 2 yrs( just thought of it yesterday as DH read out new symptoms and mine matched)
Both feel awful but deciding if we'll enough to drive back today or could DH be worse tomorrow.

See what the fresh air does. Sorry not better news.x

I'm hoping you both pick up a bit today Sweetpeasue to get some fresh air x