Guilt over Mum being in a care home

It’s quite obvious your mother needs 24 hour care and it’s quite obvious that a care home is the only place that a give her that.
Whether or not she likes it is another matter.
But why you should feel guilty about it I don’t understand.

It’s difficult to reason with someone with dementia and personally I wouldn’t try to.
If you could find acceptance with the situation and try to soothe mum whenever you see her.

There really isn’t any other alternative I’m afraid to say and you are obviously aware of that fact.
Don’t feel guilty.,Please.

My family and I were in this situation two years ago. The assessment home wasn't great and we were very worried about mum. After visiting a few local care homes we were fortunate enough to get her a place in a lovely home, it's a not for profit organisation. She has absolutely thrived, mentally and physically. The staff are so caring and lovely and we can now rest easy. We visit just as often but know she's safe, well fed and a lot happier.

I have no answers but I am sending you big hugs as I can understand but please do not feel guilty you ARE lookong after your mum! 🥰🥰🥰

You have done your duty love. Your mother sounds as though she needs 24 hour care.

If she does go into a car home permanently try and see her as often as you can and phone the home everyday to see how she is.

Also do look after yourself.

Best Wishes

😻🙏🌻

Xxx

Cariadagain I feel that we will all have said that if not directly to family members at least to ourself. Both my parents needed a bit of looking after, I was the youngest sibling with primary school children. Older siblings 15,14 and 13 years older all had much older children, a couple married yet I was the one left to do the caring. I vowed to myself I would never expect my children to be a carer for me. Ironically I worked in social work mainly with elderly and those needing to be admitted to care. Check out the care home, ask to see inspection reports, try to speak with other visitors for their impression of the place. You already know the effect your DM returning home would have on your life. You are already assuming guilt if your DM remains in care. Compare that with the guilt you may have sacrificing your own time and potential needs of your DH never mind the possible bitterness towards your DM. Sorry if this post is somewhat harsh but I have experienced these issues with many families.

I agree that the home should have let the family know about the fall and injuries,they should all be logged too,and I would be asking to see the paperwork,also the ladies care plan.
Someone suggested a camera in the room,disguised as a Teddy Bear. I'm not certain,but I've a feeling that may not be legal. I would check that out before doing that x

I so agree with your comments. When my father could no longer be looked after at home we moved him to a care home. He didn't settle at all so we searched for a home where we hoped he would settle and found an excellent place. He thought he was in a five star hotel and he coped much better.

I think everything's been said by other members and all I can add is have you considered looking for somewhere else to place your mum. We had to do this with my dad who didn't settle in his first home but did in the second one. Also make sure you visit often so that the staff know you're keeping your eye on things and also you'll hopefully feel less guilty. We were also able to have meals with my dad at his second home which made things more family oriented. Please don't feel guilty, it sounds as if you have a lot on your plate and you have others to consider too. xx

My guilt would have been to great to put my mother into a care home, I had siblings that made excuses so the lions share was on me, we had carers 4 times a day. I went morning, noon and night, stayed over every other night sometimes more, I couldn't leave her she was my mum and I'm so pleased she passed at home.
Saying that I have told my children to put me into a care home when the time is right but one in particular has made it clear they won't be doing that.

Remember the oxygen mask analogy - put on your own mask before trying to help others.
If you don't look after yourself you won't be able to help anyone; don't feel guilty, it's self preservation and knowing your mum is safer than she would be home alone shouldn't make you feel guilty. Hugs x

WithNobsOnIt

You have done your duty love. Your mother sounds as though she needs 24 hour care.

If she does go into a car home permanently try and see her as often as you can and phone the home everyday to see how she is.

Also do look after yourself.

Best Wishes

😻🙏🌻

Xxx

Just this.

Primrose points the way, she worked so hard to find the right home

sounds like mum will need a home specifically for dementia or one with a big dementia department.

Boils down to this, namsnanny

they can look after her better than you can
her being looked after means you can visit without the pressures of exhausted reponsibility

Yes, loss of her as she was or even more, how you would have liked her to be and maybe feeling angry she wasn't a great mum all get twisted up in guilt.

I repeat - they can care for her better than you. You are gifting her not taking away from her

Your time, your need to live out your life x

Thank you so much every one, your replies have been very kind and helpful.

I should like to reply to individuals more in depth later.

Its so hard visiting Mum, as she insists (to the point of anger and shouting) that I go home.

It seems to us her first reaction on seeing me is one of relief and hope that I'm collecting her to go home.
Followed by the realisation that isn't going to happen.
Then swiftly she is very very cross.
This is happening frequently now.

My concern is that if she is terribly unsettled to the point of anger, and eventually acts on that anger by lashing out, the home might eventually refuse to care for her.

I'm sat in the car having been through another tearful angry outburst with her. My husband is trying to smooth things over in my absence. If she will tolerate him.

Notwithstanding we still haven't managed to get to the bottom of her hand injury.
The home hasn't reported any 'difficult' behaviour from her when I'm not there, so I'm hoping that is a good sign?

I hope readers don't mind my updates, maybe the comments and information might be useful to others in a similar situation?

Oh my dear, how painful for you xx

if the home isn't reporting any similar behaviour, it sounds as if she is taking it out her anger, helpessness and bitterness on those closes to her - ie, you

I'd say, yes that is a good sign that she is not displaying it to the home

Just remember however there is a sort of back up - there are some really nice homes for those if the home coat cope.

Upthread Primrose mentioned going round lots of homes - maybe if you did that and found one - "just in case" she does have to have a change eventually.

but equally, she might settle.

but so hard for you to bear. xx

chattykathy

My family and I were in this situation two years ago. The assessment home wasn't great and we were very worried about mum. After visiting a few local care homes we were fortunate enough to get her a place in a lovely home, it's a not for profit organisation. She has absolutely thrived, mentally and physically. The staff are so caring and lovely and we can now rest easy. We visit just as often but know she's safe, well fed and a lot happier.

Isn’t it just a fantastic feeling when your parent is settled and happy? I know there are some poor care homes out there but when you find the right one it is a massive relief.

My Mum regained weight she had lost with all the home cooked food in her new care home. They had two cooks both of whom cooked traditional meals from scratch. A hairdresser visited regularly and Mum always took great pride in her hair looking immaculate.

There were visits from entertainers, school groups and they even had miniature donkeys and guinea pigs visiting. They raised ducklings from eggs and there was great excitement watching them hatch out.

I used to drive home feeling so happy that Mum was enjoying her twilight years. The staff were lovely and so kind to Mum.

Oh Primrose, how lovely that home sounds!

Was it a care home dedicated to dementia patients?

Because the one Mum is in has people that are very much worse off than her. So much so they can't communicate at all well. Which makes it harder for her to settle.

The home made food sounds especially wonderful, as Mum has lost quite a bit of weight.

I hope I can find somewhere like that fir her.

Chattykathy I really warm to the idea of a not for profit anything.

Maybe you've heard of the Skanda Hospice?
Which us a not for profit establishment which I support by selling my crafts makes etc., (or did I should say, until recently).

Wyllow3

Oh my dear, how painful for you xx

if the home isn't reporting any similar behaviour, it sounds as if she is taking it out her anger, helpessness and bitterness on those closes to her - ie, you

I'd say, yes that is a good sign that she is not displaying it to the home

Just remember however there is a sort of back up - there are some really nice homes for those if the home coat cope.

Upthread Primrose mentioned going round lots of homes - maybe if you did that and found one - "just in case" she does have to have a change eventually.

but equally, she might settle.

but so hard for you to bear. xx

Thank you, your show of kindness really does help

So now we are compiling a list, starting with the nearest to us and working out geographically.

I don't know anyone in our position to ask for recommendations, so we will probably make our choice based on a visit, and if they have availability.

No doubt the move, when it actually happens, will worry Mum as I'm sure she will be hoping she us going 'home'.

NamsNanny, we looked for a home for over 3 months before we found the right one. Mum was in hospital after the wrong care home nearly killed her and we wouldn't let her go back there. I spoke to so many homes, visited most of them and the moment I entered the one she is in now, it was a gut feeling. I was right.
There were wonderful looking homes with bars, sweet trolleys, cinema, etc but very corporate. My feeling was that they were very shiny on the outside but the caring wasn't warm. I visited some appalling homes where the staff were rushed off their feet and talked to each other badly so I wondered how they would treat difficult patients. The one we chose had 3 floors, one for all types of patients including younger adults, one for dementia and another for those who needed a lot of nursing. Mum was assessed and although she had dementia along with health problems, they felt she would benefit from watching the more mobile, younger patients who were more friendly. They were absolutely right. She no longer communicates much with us but she loves to watch the world go past and everybody stops to talk with her. Every celebration throughout the year is done with style and the staff every so often put on a performance for the residents which are hilarious. It really is the most amazing place despite none of the shine of some of the posher homes.
I know what you are going through is tough, my Mum took out all her anger on me, but to a certain extent you have to let it go over your head. I found it quite triggering as I have cPTSD after a childhood with her being abusive and it was difficult but it passes once they settle down in the right place. Sending you a virtual hug and hope you are able to get to a better place shortly.

My Ex FiL ended up in. Council home… but the staff there were kind, loving, respectful and responsible.

Don’t go by the gloss… go by the feeling of warmth or not x

icanhandthemback

*NamsNanny*, we looked for a home for over 3 months before we found the right one. Mum was in hospital after the wrong care home nearly killed her and we wouldn't let her go back there. I spoke to so many homes, visited most of them and the moment I entered the one she is in now, it was a gut feeling. I was right.
There were wonderful looking homes with bars, sweet trolleys, cinema, etc but very corporate. My feeling was that they were very shiny on the outside but the caring wasn't warm. I visited some appalling homes where the staff were rushed off their feet and talked to each other badly so I wondered how they would treat difficult patients. The one we chose had 3 floors, one for all types of patients including younger adults, one for dementia and another for those who needed a lot of nursing. Mum was assessed and although she had dementia along with health problems, they felt she would benefit from watching the more mobile, younger patients who were more friendly. They were absolutely right. She no longer communicates much with us but she loves to watch the world go past and everybody stops to talk with her. Every celebration throughout the year is done with style and the staff every so often put on a performance for the residents which are hilarious. It really is the most amazing place despite none of the shine of some of the posher homes.
I know what you are going through is tough, my Mum took out all her anger on me, but to a certain extent you have to let it go over your head. I found it quite triggering as I have cPTSD after a childhood with her being abusive and it was difficult but it passes once they settle down in the right place. Sending you a virtual hug and hope you are able to get to a better place shortly.

mum took out all her anger on me, which I found triggering after an abusive and difficult childhood with her ....

Well, this is very similar to my situation,

But to some degree you have to let it go over your head .....

Very well done to you for approaching her behaviour in such a pragmatic and yet sensitive way 👏

Yes, I suppose I need to just try my hardest to find the right place, and forgive her past mistakes.

Guilt and resentment are such narcissistic
self centred emotions aren't they?

They are natural, namsnany. They aren't nice to feel, they are horrible to feel, but they are not "bad". Everybody has them to some extent.

Real narcissism is where a person is literally incapable of understanding another person.

They don't feel guilt They don't resent, they simply blame others.

You are clearly not anywhere near this at all. But what is difficult is that your mum's reactions are triggering the past, and that's hurting.

Be kind to yourself. You are only a real human bean.

^Guilt and resentment are such narcissistic
self centred emotions aren't they?^

I wouldn't say they are that but I think they do a lot of damage to you rather than the person who hurt you. I can also see that my mother was very damaged too so I try to excuse her a little bit. I will not let what my parents did to me dictate the rest of my life and I will not inflict that on my kids. I will be happy in spite of the parents if it kills me!

Namsnanny

Oh Primrose, how lovely that home sounds!

Was it a care home dedicated to dementia patients?

Because the one Mum is in has people that are very much worse off than her. So much so they can't communicate at all well. Which makes it harder for her to settle.

The home made food sounds especially wonderful, as Mum has lost quite a bit of weight.

I hope I can find somewhere like that fir her.

Chattykathy I really warm to the idea of a not for profit anything.

Maybe you've heard of the Skanda Hospice?
Which us a not for profit establishment which I support by selling my crafts makes etc., (or did I should say, until recently).

No it wasn’t specifically for people with dementia. I looked at some of those but wasn’t impressed. They had different floors for people with mild dementia and then locked floors for the more severe. My Mum was just forgetful, sometimes confused but sweet natured and always up for a chat.

At her home there were many like her and, as the lovely Manager said, many had not been tested for Alzheimers but she was pretty sure they would be positive. They treated everybody as individuals.

I agree with you that it is very difficult for people only mildly affected to be with people who are very confused or aggressive.

Yes, I agree with that. An appropriate home is large enough to have a separate (usually locked) ward for anyone considered to be a danger to self and others. Or be a specialist home for people who need containment and a higher level supervision.

PackLeader

I so agree with your comments. When my father could no longer be looked after at home we moved him to a care home. He didn't settle at all so we searched for a home where we hoped he would settle and found an excellent place. He thought he was in a five star hotel and he coped much better.

One of the residents in my DM’s care home evidently thought she was running a boarding house! Usually very cheerful, but complained to me more than once that so-and-so still owed her nine quid for last week!

Witzend.. thanks for that anecdote, it did make me chuckle 😃.
I wish it was £9 per week, we're were told the council will pay £900 per week obviously to be paid back when her house is sold.
I get the distinct impression we can't look at places charging more. Unless we have spare cash ourselves. Negative on that.