Guilt over Mum being in a care home

Would it help if you mentally asked "your mother as she was say 40 years ago" what her thoughts on all this is?

I'm guessing/assuming that she is a very different person mentally to what she was in, for instance, her 50's.

Would her 50 year old self agree with the way her 92 year old self is being? what her 92 year old self is saying?

I felt a bit "pushed" by my father to stick around in my area and be a bit of a carer to my mother (his wife) come the end (in their 90's) BUT I know his much younger self had specifically said to me "Your mother will try and push you into being a carer to her later in life. Do NOT do it - it will drive you mad". So I knew what he really thought - ie before age etc set in....

Namsnanny I totally understand how you feel. I've worked with the elderly for years, helping families to find the best care for their increasingly frail and confused parents.
What you are going through is very common.
What you do have to remember is she can't stay at home, for all the (very sensible) reasons you have stated.
Your main priority now has to be finding somewhere where she will settle better. I suspect from what you say, she will never be entirely content. However, you will be finding her somewhere she will be safe and secure. I hope you resolve the issue with her current home. I assume she has a social worker who is involved.
You are doing absolutely the right things for her. Be kind to yourself in a very hard situation.

I can really relate to all this. My mother (with dementia) finally moved to a care home at nearly 89, and to be honest we’d really left it a bit late - she simply wasn’t safe to be left alone at all any more. Of course she could not accept that there was anything wrong with her, even though she could not longer even make herself a cup of tea. She was endlessly hiding things, including door keys (and could never remember where, of course SHE hadn’t hidden them, someone must have stolen them! - and we were increasingly worried that in case of a fire, she’d be unable to get out.

There were all sorts of dementia-induced paranoid delusions, too many to go into here.

We had supported her as best we could with frequent visits/sleepovers, plus she had a truly wonderful cleaning lady, but eventually it just wasn’t enough. I don’t mind admitting that there was no way I was having her to live with is. I did love my mother but she had never been the easiest person anyway, and I had already been through it all with FiL (also dementia) - having him with us had been incredibly stressful and exhausting.

My mother didn’t settle easily at the care home - for what seemed ages I was met with, ‘Have you come to take me home?’ I made up all sort of what are in dementia-carer circles called ‘love lies’ to pacify her.
TBh I used to have to psych myself up before visiting, it was often so emotionally stressful.

It sounds awful to say it, but TBH it was something of a relief when she suddenly failed to recognise me - I was just ‘a nice lady’ who made her cups of tea and brought her chocolate.

Please don’t feel guilty, there will often come a point where 24/7 care - someone on hand ALL day, ALL night, and that is so hard to provide in any normal domestic setting. You have done the best thing for her needs, and this is a case where ‘needs’ will have to trump a person’s ‘wants’.

Your father sounds a very wise and caring man CariadAgain

I don't recall having any conversations about what she might or might not have thought we, her children should do for her or my Father.

We did spend nearly 3 months living at my parents house nursing my father till he died, which I know he wanted.

Unfortunately I haven't had the best of relationships with my Mother over the years, especially around the time of my Fathers death.
It has been very complicated and convoluted relationship, which is sadly lacking in resolution.
This I fear is part of the absolutely overwhelming loss I am feeling.

Thanks for the reply, food for thought.

I do feel for you Namsnanny. I have watched families going through the same emotions.
In one case there were 4 sisters when it was decided by 2 , who were sharing the responsibility, that mother had to go into care.
The 2 sisters who lived further away didn't want mother to go but didn't help at all!
My friend, who had most of the care and it was very hard by the sound of it took mum to this very nice care home where she had open views and seemed to be OK.
My friend visited her mother daily for a few weeks and then her mum fell and died.
Had she known it would happen so soon she may have kept going at home but I can safely say she, the dutiful DD, is now enjoying a freedom she's not had for years.
Infact she is currently in Italy!

mumski Thank you for your reply, I have to admit it brought me to tears, as I felt your understanding shifted something in me.
I will keep re reading it to help next time I give in to black thoughts about the future.
Thank you

I have to say that I felt no guilt whatsoever over either my own mother or both my in-laws going into a care home. In my mother's case, her dementia had progressed to a level where she needed 24-hour care and we were told that if she did not agree to go in voluntarily, they would section her for her own good.
I do understand why others may feel guilt though, but please don't beat yourself up about it. Sometimes they just need that level of care which you can no longer provide - and it's the best decision for everyone. As Witzend so rightly says, sometimes there comes a point where the need overcomes any 'want'.

I understand completely how you feel. I'm afraid the guilt doesn't stop . My dad died 7 years ago and I still feel I should have done more to look after him - although I know I would have had a physical and mental breakdown if he hadn't gone into a care home. He wasn't happy there but actually by that point he wasn't happy anywhere! Like you I had to brace myself every time I visited ( which was most days) and there were often times when I burst into tears in the carpark afterwards.
Deep down you know you are doing the best you can for your mum and that's all anyone can do.
Incidentally you might find your mum is absolutely fine when you aren't there! They can be very manipulative!

Namsnanny thank you for your lovely reply to my post.
It cheered me on an otherwise gloomy day.

Namsnanny we are in a similar position.Mum is 93 and has been in a care home for eleven months.Both my elder brother and I have health issues, we also both live 50 miles away.

All had been reasonably well after the initial couple of months when she wanted to go home and one or two unexplained injuries.

The home have just switched all the staff around.Yesterday was horrendous.We arrived after lunch to find her in the lounge I her nightie which was nearly at the top of her legs as she had slumped in the chair so we could see her underwear.We don’t normally visit on a Saturday and the staff obviously weren’t expecting us.

I spoke to staff this morning and will be speaking to a more senior member of staff tomorrow.This new shift of staff were totally uninterested in the residents.I was so upset and still feel upset now.

I have just spoken to my brother who is going to go in next time this shift is on and I know he will question anything he isn’t happy with.

We have made a plan B in case this is the new order of things.

I felt guilt when mum first went in the home a decision made by drs not by us but when I saw how well she was looked after I felt relief.

Yesterday I did feel guilty leaving her there although one member of staff who is on duty has phoned me twice to say she is looking after mum today.I hope so🙏🏻

Please don’t feel guilty if your mum is being looked after.I wish you peace and send strength💐

The first thing you have to accept is that some people are not cut out to be carers nor for that fact to be a parent or pet owner. We are all different.
No carer- even those who are able to look after their nearest and dearest can watch somebody 24/7.
My mom had to go into a nursing home after a stroke - she never spoke even one word after that stroke- and I know she wanted to be in her own home but I was working full time and needed the income. My brother the same
I wish you well but don't beat yourself up .

Do you think looking at a different care home might help? This one doesn’t sound too good.

I cared for my very elderly Mum for 14 years in her own house. I did everything for her but I did arrange for a cleaning lady. She was diagnosed with dementia and was having loads of falls and not eating properly so was no longer safe home alone.

I found a small care home very near by and initially she went in just to try it out. It was spotlessly clean and the staff seemed good and were falling over themselves to be nice to her. Once we had signed a contract for her to stay permanently sadly things changed. They were very sharp with Mum and very bossy. They told her she was unsociable just because she preferred staying in her room knitting rather than sitting in the lounge watching at TV programmes she wasn’t interested in.

We persevered for several months and Mum was unhappy so I started looking around for others. I visited 14 and found one where they absolutely loved Mum, she had a beautiful sunny room, the food was great and I was able to visit whenever I liked. I used to go every other day, take her out and enjoy lunch with her. She was there for 3 years and was treated like the Queen. I never had to complain once and she was very happy. She was 97 when she passed away.

I do hope you can get your Mum settled somewhere nice because my Mum used to cry at the first place and I felt guilty too but at the second one she never once cried.

I know exactly what you mean about the guilt. When at last DM wasn’t safe in her own home, even with daily carers and adult children to look after her, she had to go into a care home so she could have 24 hour care. She didn’t really settle and often packed to go home. The irony was that she didn’t recognise her own home or mine, the ‘home’ in her head was her childhood home.
I’d advise looking for a care home that best suits her and you, even before she’s been assessed, because these things move at a snail’s pace and then suddenly it’s all rush. Don’t let the SS guilt trip you, be adamant she won’t be safe with you- she won’t! Unsurprisingly you have concerns about this care home. Why didn’t they tell you what had happened to your DM? They should have let you know immediately. Certainly if you’re worried ask for an immediate meeting with the manager to ask how she got her injuries. If you’re not satisfied contact social services.
You’re doing your best by her, that’s all you can do.

Poor you, it's normal to feel this way, but Care home sounds the best place for her. When you do see her it will be quality time. Not dashing around sorting out her / and her home. She will be fine if the hospital thought this the correct route for her, trust them.
My Late MiL, had Dementia, but she was cared for at home by Carers in x4 times a day. No family around as we all lived hundreds of miles away she was in Scotland us South of England. As her DIL and a senior experienced Health Professional I always thought it was wrong to leave her on her own, I made it quite clear but she kicked up a fuss and wouldn't go into a Care home, not much we could do? Under Scottish law, it was her wish, we had to agree biggest mistake ever for her.

My Late mum, went into one which was amazing, but expensive. It was night times that were the problems with her, she agreed to go, hers was like a Hotel and she was happy.
My Sister and I both breathe a sigh of relief she was happy and more importantly safe.

Am emotional rollercoaster is exactly how anyone feels when it comes to elder care .
It's horrendous for you to deal with.
You aren't alone.
One friend had to go abroad to get her mum after a kind neighbour phoned her to say that her mother was behaving oddly.
It was a nightmare bringing her home and it was nightmare at home trying to deal with her confusion.
Finally when she attacked her husband she was taken into care .
Even so social services were alerted about some bruises on her mother -they had been caused by people trying to prise her mother off her husband.
I know an elderly lady ,who barricaded herself in when her daughter came to collect her to take her to the home .
It is heartbreaking .
My father began to show some signs of cognitive decline .
I was asked how he'd been before he'd become old and sick .
It was very difficult to explain that he''d always behaved in an odd way and being demanding ,angry and paranoid was the normal for him .
I could see how terrified he was of carers and nurses .
Any change in routine distressed him .
He was very difficult to calm .
But I made the decision to care for him until the end and that's what I did .
It's what I wanted to do as I'd promised my mother .
Whatever you decide to do is your choice .
Don't feel remotely guilty-you are doing your very best for her .
I wish you lots of luck .
Take care .

My MiL was absolutely desperate to go into a care home. She wanted the company and activities. Sadly her GP said that she must stay at home. We went in morning and evening and carers called during the day but she was despondent. After a fall and admission to hospital she cried all the way back to her home. I really wish she could have gone to the care home where I volunteer. The staff are wonderful and everyone is well looked after, the food is great and there are all sorts of activities based on what people enjoy doing. Individual interests are well catered for.
Fear not OP, not all care homes are bad.

DH spent his last seven weeks in a kind local nursing home when his Parkinson’s made staying at home unsafe. I was absolutely exhausted as he only wanted me to care for him, and 24 hours a day is crucifying. I still feel guilty that he wasn’t at home as he wished but I would have joined him at the crematorium. Our children were not local and both had very demanding jobs and in any case it was my responsibility to make the decisions. There is no easy answer.

Oh my goodness Namsnanny! Your post has brought back so many memories . Me and my siblings were in the same boat. Mum lived with us for over 3 years till dementia took hold. I still feel a bit guilty about finding a care home for her.
One thing I can say is we moved Mum more than once - always against what the care home managers said! We did find a care home that was a bit dusty! but the minute I walked in to have a look round I knew I had found the right place for her. A warm and genuine welcome was evident. Dust yes , care faultless, perfect. Mum never really settled her favourite phrase was " get me out of here" When I took her out for the afternoon she enjoyed that and on our return we were always greeted by a nember of staff saying " Have you had a lovely afternoon M ....... , let's find you a nice cup of tea " So I felt she was welcomed back and she passed from me back into their care. I was" nt a matter of wheeling her back into the lounge and just leaving her.
Your Mum had a leg injury, they should have told you ! I visited Mum one day, ( in her first care home ) walked past the managers office - door was open, passed a few members of staff and then found Mum with a very nasty bruised face , arm and leg. She told me she fallen out of bed. I asked why I had not been told after it happened or at the very least on my arrival that day . I was fobbed off with excuses and they made light of it - Mum was in shock . I might add that when she was admitted I knew falling from bed was a possibility and asked for cot sides to be put up. They refused telling me how dangerous they were. I knew of that danger and said I would sign a disclaimer and take responsibly for an accident - they refused.
Her final ( dusty!) Care home listened to my fears and acted on them .
Please move your Mum if you have any doubt about the care home she is in .
Listen to what Mum says because even with dementia there may be an element of truth in what your Mum tells you.
Please try not to feel guilty - easier said than done I know that. I wish you and your Mum well, act on your instincts and don't let your past relationship with your Mum cloud your judgment. Good luck.

Oh I’m so sorry this is happening to you you’ve brought back the exact feelings I had when mum went into a care home from hospital.
Mum 92 hadn’t been safe at home for a couple of years but insisted she was okay. She was deemed to be of sound mind so there was nothing I could do, She had many hospital admissions after being unwell and falling, I promised myself, being an only one that the next time she was admitted to hospital she wouldn’t be coming home.

But oh the guilt, like you say it was absolutely sickening , I lost lots of weight and felt really unwell with it all.
Off she went into the home but it was nowhere near the relief I was expecting. She had 3 falls, one horrible assault which led to the carer being suspended. and mum put under safeguarding it was just before Christmas 2023. Mum by this time was confused and by the time I’d got to the care home an hour later she almost forgotten it all.
The guilt never left me, but mum did have brighter moments and on those days I felt better too.
After 6 months mum went to bed one afternoon in the care home which was unlike her, when I visited at tea time she was asleep, I tried to wake her but she wasn’t having any of it, and I instinctively knew she given up. I told the carer the same. She died 8 days later.
All I will say is find your mum the best possible place and don’t be bullied by the social workers, they just want the cheapest option. You can’t care for your mum now, it sounds like she needs specialist help. The right care home is the best option. You and your family need to care for yourselves now

My grandmother’s final words to my mother, the youngest of four, were, “Look after your dad”. That was in 1969, I was 13. We lived next door to my grandparents and they were awful.

My grandfather died in his 90s, in 1980. He had what we now know as dementia, and caring for him in order to fulfil my grandmother’s instructions very nearly broke my parents (well, my father bit his tongue). It was truly dreadful, and my mother refused to seek support for fear of defying her own dead mother.

You can’t fix dementia and letting it break you, through guilt for having professional care or through determination to manage, is not going to help your mum.

It is so hard and I wish you strength, but you need to look after yourself now.

Witzend ... Yes the part you wrote about your mother not accepting she couldn't cope is exactly what my Mother insists.

She also has times when she tells me how lucky I am to be going back to my home. That one really triggers me.

Or she might lash out and refuse to accept I have life limiting circumstances. Insisting I have enough space at home for her to come live with us.

Like you my relationship with her has always been tricky.

So add in vascular dementia and we have the perfect storm.

I'm glad you had the foresight to understand it wouldn't be possible for her to live with you.
I feel one has to have a clear plan as to where the emotional and physical boundries lie.
Then steadfastly act on them.
With no self recriminations.

Thank you for telling your story here, it really has helped to see how other's deal with these situations

I think you should install a camera in your mother’s room. I think you can get one that just looks like a teddy bear.
You should definitely talk to the people in charge of the home.
My grandmother lived 250 miles away and we could only visit every 6 weeks or so (school holidays). We were never happy with her care but were too frightened to raise it with the home. Guilt I have had to live with. My mother also felt guilty for having had to place her in a home and unhelpful neighbours said things like ‘ I would never do that to my mother’. but, as I said to my mother, no one knows what they will do until the time comes.
When my father went into a nursing home round the corner from where I live, I was able to pop in and out without them expecting me. On the two occasions I was concerned about his care I spoke to the matron immediately.

However the injuries happened to your mum, from what you say the care home didn't tell you about it at the time. That's not acceptable.
I'd be looking for a different home, like other people have suggested.

Grammareto ...I'm so glad your friend is living the high life in Italy, it's heartening to think of someone enjoying their life.
Thank you for bothering to reply