being well enough to look after grandchildren

There are several issues here. Your DD is either being very selfish or she doesn’t fully comprehend how poorly you are. You don’t say how old your GC are but has she considered what would happen if you were to have a relapse or a fall while on your own with them?

As someone who hasnt had/didnt want children - I can see she's being very unreasonable if she expects continuing free childcare regardless of your health.

Even if you were in good health = you've presumably been looking forward to and planning for "having a retirement" when you do what you want when you want. Health does sometimes?/often? decline as people get older and one is more tired and also having to set time aside to deal with that health and try and get rid of the problems with it.

I've watched this happening within my own family. When my erstwhile brother and his wife decided to have children they seemed to take it as read that our parents would step in as free babysitters - for several days a week. I could see that my parents both cared about those children (to my great surprise - as my mother doesnt even like children and didnt want any). Our father had been noticeably ill for years as it was before those children turned up and our mother became ill latterly too and neither of them were really up to it and commented that it made them tired (even though keeping an eye on them whilst they were napping was something the dog took on herself to do and she'd just come and alert them if she saw a problem).

My erstwhile brother and his family even talked about having 2 extra children!!! They'd got two - but were talking about having two more and I stopped "being an aunty" at that point - as I thought "I am not buying presents for a child 3 and a child 4 - as well as the first two". They didn't give a darn about the impact of their child-bearing on anyone else. Thankfully all round they changed their mind about having "extras".

That is the thing too - you've no way of knowing (presumably) whether they'll go on and have some more children - even if they've got two.

DiL does maybe expect too much, but it was her parents that laid down the boundaries first "we can only cope with x,y,z."

Trouble is they really do have a big loving and loved problem, my second DGD is very severely disabled indeed and needs constant care, and mum and dad both work. Paying for childcare means a qualified nurse or nurses aid.

My first Ex aka Grandad has been going up at half terms (they know its beyond me and I'm a extra for now and then) and he looked totally, utterly worn out when I saw him at the end of a half term helper out big circles under his eyes.

I do genuinely think that as healthy fit 40 somethings they cant sort of imagine what its like to be in their 70's however fit we are, there ar just limits, aren't there?

You have to tell it like it is, Musicbuff tell her how much you love them but I would produce a medical letter or statement and say,

I have been advised that I must not do x,y,z

From the original post I don't think Musicbuff's daughter has mentioned any child care. She's just using an irritating way of encouraging her mum to get better.
It is irritating. My husband is the same, but I think they just want to see us well again.
I've started to say - "well it ain't going to happen", and they don't have an answer for that.

We have had a similar situation. New to this group as need support. We began to look after our first grandchild one day per week in September. Her other carers are DIL s Mum (half day), our son (1 day) and two full days at nursery. Plain sailing up to now. Last week she had Norovirus during the night and was looked after the following day by her other Gran. We were informed late on the day before we had her of the situation. We were not comfortable due to risk to us ( we are in mid 60s) but went ahead anyway. Result was us both catching it, myself particularly badly and still recovering a week on. We have subsequently said that whilst we would still look after her if she has a minor illness, anything involving vomiting and diarrhoea is a no and one of them will have to stay off work to care for her. This has unleashed a very hurtful response from our son who said he was very hurt that we were of this opinion and the other Gran wasn't like that, that we weren't old and just playing the health card (my husband had a heart attack a year ago) and putting words in our mouth by saying that she would probably often have loose stools in future and what were they meant to do if we weren't prepared to look after her? I said that there is a big difference between Norovirus and a mild tummy upset. He accused us of having no empathy. I defended our stance but it has taken its toll on me and we feel very upset at their lack of compassion towards us

I think you might say you are very flattered at being asked but she must see you couldn’t keep the children safe. AC often find it hard to accept that we get older
Only say this if you are sure you won’t want to be asked in the future

Wow, I can't believe some of these stories of expectation and entitlement. It's beyond belief.

There were no expectations from my adult children as I was still working when they were having babies, and even now that I am retired, they only ask in unforeseen circumstances, or to cover for an hour if there are overlaps in shifts. And then they are very grateful, saying thank you each time.

Maria59

My DS has gone NC as I was waiting for urgent heart surgery and said I didn't feel up to looking after 2 DGC for 4 days while DS & DDIL went abroad. 1 DGS disabled the other autistic.

Maria 💐

We help out a lot, & are very happy to. If you are worried about your daughter being upset with you, just turn the reason away from yourself and say that you’re not sure you can keep her children safe as you are, and that you will let her know when you feel properly able to respond to any emergencies whilst the children are in your care.

Maria59

My DS has gone NC as I was waiting for urgent heart surgery and said I didn't feel up to looking after 2 DGC for 4 days while DS & DDIL went abroad. 1 DGS disabled the other autistic.

Absolutely incredible.

Musicbuff57

not well enough and having walking difficulties but my daughter keeps saying hurry up and get better but not sure how I am going to be, how do I tell my daughter?

Perhaps tell your daughter to sort her child care without you.

I'm not certain how grans became childminders, AC entitled.

I do a fair amount of childcare for my daughters, but they would never dream of behaving the way the OP’s daughter does. They are grateful and understand that I am providing for them what is fully their responsibility to sort. Every point of my post stands. Entitlement does not foster independence. Allowing yourself to become fully dependent on aging parents for free childcare is not responsible. Demanding unwell, aging parents provide childcare is indefensible so I am not sure what you’re arguing here. Nothing wrong with raising your children to have respect and appreciation for those that do for them. I’m not saying anything that shouldn’t be common decency.

The OP’s daughter proves the point of my post.

BlessedArt

I think if you re-read what you wrote aloud “ ^not well enough and walking difficulties^”, you will see that the only rationale next step is to say exactly this directly to your daughter. Common sense says it simply isn’t safe or fair to you or the child under the circumstances.

There seems to be an epidemic of entitled young parents expecting free childcare from family with little consideration of the aging parents. Part of that entitlement stems from them not being told plainly that sorting paid childcare comes with the territory of becoming a parent. They can’t learn to be independent parents if grandparents are still doing the heavy lifting for them, no matter the cost to our own physical health. It also teaches them to remain inconsiderate and self-centered. I love my grandchildren and my children, but if ever one of mine would dare to be aggressive about requesting childcare while I’m unwell, they will have lost me as a regular childcare option altogether. Families should respect and be considerate of each other.

Families vary, I do lots of childcare with my GC, I have 8. My mother did it for me, my grandmother did it for her. It just seems normal to us, I don't judge other families and don't expect them to judge us.

Ammi

What a spoilt brat your daughter is OP. Ask her if she's trying to kill you. She won't get much help then, will she. If people can't afford or organise proper childcare then they shouldn't have children.

I am in a similar situation with my DIL, who now doesn’t talk to me and no access to my GC who are both under 4 years. My DS is taking her side so it is a dilemma I am unfortunately in.
I had been looking after them quite actively at the expense of my physical ability and when I declined it seemed the end of the world. No doubt it saved them money, which was the reason I had been doing it. Also I love my beautiful GC.

My DS has gone NC as I was waiting for urgent heart surgery and said I didn't feel up to looking after 2 DGC for 4 days while DS & DDIL went abroad. 1 DGS disabled the other autistic.

Why did you bring up your daughters in a way that leads them to be so indifferent to your welfare?

If children have parents, especially mothers, who have always put their children before everything else and done everything they wanted. The children will keep going in adulthood as they learned as children.

A lot depends on how old the GC are. Mine are still quite young and I know my limitations physically. They live 200 miles away so I'm not doing regular childcare but have occasionally gone to stay and done a few days in certain circumstances. If they are veery young, there are serious safety issues if you do more than you can properly cope with. If they are older it shoud be easier to make other arrangements. Don't put yourself or your GC at risk by taking on more than you feel able to.
I hope to move nearer eventually but I always said I wouldn't do regular childcare as I was an older mum thus an older granny. I'd like to be able to help in emergencies if I lived closer, but I need to have a life of my own too.Things don't get easier as we get older. The other grandparents live as far away so like me they occasionally go to stay to help out, but the other granny still works while I've been retired a few years now.

Stuck to one day a week, the other grandma took on 2, but she is much younger than me. It got to be a bit much, at one point, but as he got older it was just a matter of feeding him and just being around. He is now 13, and I hardly see him at all

Grandma70s

I told my children, before they even had children of their own, that although I had been very happy to bring up children (them) once, I was not prepared to do it twice. It was their job. As it happens they live at the other end of the country, so it never arose.

I did exactly the same. I babysit the odd evening, when I feel up to it. I'm certainly not being involved in childcare.

Your daughter is extremely selfish and cruel. Tell her to find alternative baby sitters.

Only you know the circumstances both for you and your daughter Musicbuff57, such as, did you offer a set childcare commitment to your daughter or is it just assumed you will help, how old your grandchildren are, how old you are, whether this is a short term issue because you’ve had an illness or operation, what her and your financial circumstances are, etc. as all those things are relevant in offering you advice.

I have never lived near enough to my family to ever be able to expect any help from them. Even more so when I was living abroad and had no one available in that way. My big concern in those cases were to make sure that I knew the way to the doctors and the nearest hospital as soon as possible, in case of emergencies before I had enough language to ask for any help locally. I used to drive to the hospital a couple of times to make sure that I could do it if needed. Then I also got someone to write details out and also a set of questions or how to get to a doctor or hospital, especially when I didnt write arabic or cyrillic. Fortunately never had to go in a panic state which was lucky. I used to make every effort to find at least 2 or 3 other mums in similar situations so that we could help each other out in an emergency, and we would have very simple lunches together so that the children got to know us well enough to be ok if they needed to spend a day with us.

Nowadays I am involved in a womens group, which any woman of any age can come along to, and we have a wide range of ages and even nationalities here. So at least women have a group of us who could give suggestions and help them find what they need.

I do think than Thatcher was the start of the very selfish point of view of grab grab and only think of yourself. Selling off council houses and not building more, and encouraging people to buy properties. for some people that is a sensible and possible thing to do, but with the lack of renting properties at a reasonable price, and families stretching themselves with mortgages , yet thinking that they are entitiled to have everything brand new and not wait to save for things, as we all did, means that couples can put themselves in a situation where they both have to work whether they would choose to or not. This then leads to stress and worry about money and so they then start to think of their parents , not as loving grandparents who care about their children and love them, but see them as free ,available at their beck and call, childcare.

Well it is time that some of them started to expect less and not think that they are entitled to expect it!! They should be grateful for all the care that grandparents are able to do, but should not be depending on them , or working out their lives on the assumption that such help will be there ad infinitum.

So firstly, I think you have to think about your own health, and to try and look after children when you are not well is not only very difficult and possibly could give infections to the children, but more likely that if there is anything going the rounds in children you would be vunerable to get this as well as whatever is the matter with you. Then you could end up being ill for a longer time, or possibly if you dont take care of yourself you could end up in a generally worse state of health.

Then a twofold strategy, where you team up with other grandparents in similar circumstances, and provide each other with "excuses" although you should not have to do this, but it may be easier to be able to say, "sorry I am going out with so and so, we made arrangements weeks ago" or be happy for friends to use you in the same way. Not all the time but to begin to let them see that you are not just sat waiting at the end of the phone to be used as and when they choose with an assumption that you have no other life of your own to live. Another useful plan is to look and see if there is a club or interest that you can join. I go to a weekly whist drive, which I enjoy for the company and to use my brain, whether I win or not, It is not vital and if I was really needed of course I could miss it, but it is good in both ways, that you have some interest to keep you going out and about, and then that casual assumption that you are always available is altered, as they will know that you are not free on Wednesdays or they need to ask in good time and not assume. Grandparents of the world unite in remembering that we have done our share bringing up our children, that we are of course happy to help our families but on OUR terms and not giving up the rest of our lives to wait hand and foot on the youngsters. As far as we know we only have one life, so do make the most of it, and enjoy what you are able to do, as long as health and cost allows. GN's are here to back you up if you want to post more. Good luck , that after the first shock your family will come to see that they have overstepped the mark in seeing you as an unpaid available source , and realize how lucky they are to have you.

I cannot believe how selfish and uncaring your daughter is being! Stick to your guns,tell her she has to make alternatuve arrangements till you are well! Take care.