being well enough to look after grandchildren

You use your doctor and consultant and say what they have said and keep repeating that you are not yet well enough. She will have to accept it because you will be the one who pays the price down the line and from what your daughter sounds like, she won't be very supportive because you won't be able to dance to her tune.

It's priceless, isn't it? You and I are in the same boat by the sounds of it but I am still helping out with the 4 youngest GC, ages 11-16.
I would calmly but firmly tell your daughter exactly how you feel. At our ages we have no idea how we are going to be from one day to the next. Hand in your notice and see your GC when you are feeling well enough to enjoy it.
You need to look after Number 1 sometimes.

Say "I've no idea when I'm going to be better so please don't rely on me

Then continue to recover guilt-free.

Your daughter needs to know that if you push yourself you could end up feeling a whole lot worse and be unable child mind period.
I really get cross with ACs expecting their ageing parents to step up the pace. We did all this decades ago when like them we were younger and healthier, but we’ve done our time at the coalface, now we want a slower easier pace of life, as they will when they get older.
You need to have words with your daughter about this, and if she gets the hump she gets the hump, no doubt she’ll get over it.
Take care

she may know the situation but being kind by encouragement after all we wouldn't want people saying 'be carefall' all the time.. just an idea.

I told my children, before they even had children of their own, that although I had been very happy to bring up children (them) once, I was not prepared to do it twice. It was their job. As it happens they live at the other end of the country, so it never arose.

You tell her by opening your mouth and letting her know. I am on the same page as Babs, AC should not expect parents to
be always available for childcare. You are not well enough and your DD needs to respect that. Be brave and just tell her.

I too second the advice to tell your daughter that right now you are simply not well enough to look after your grandchildren.

Add that you realise this is inconvenient for her, but you cannot either tell her when you will be well enough, or even if you ever will have the energy to child-mind again.

Say you feel the time has come for you to step back and for her to make other arrangements.

She may, of course, take offence, but it was, I assume, her decision to have children, not something you asked her to do.

Same as everyone else, you must tell her. If it’s easier to do a text…if that’s a common way of communicating with her..that would be ok. I know people say no texts for stuff like this but it gives her time to digest the information rather than just fly off the handle if that’s what she’s likely to do. Your health has to be a priority and your daughter simply must realise this. Don’t feel bad about it. As others have said, she chose to have children so they are her responsibility. For other reasons, I had to do something similar. It was tricky at first but then blew over and my son and DIL found their way through. We all get on fine now. Be brave!

Sorry but I would say 'Hurry up and find a childminder'. I never expected my mum to look after my children when I was working. I either worked around school hours or had a childminder. Sure they went over for visits or a weekend, but by invitation not expectations from me.

I think if you re-read what you wrote aloud “ ^not well enough and walking difficulties^”, you will see that the only rationale next step is to say exactly this directly to your daughter. Common sense says it simply isn’t safe or fair to you or the child under the circumstances.

There seems to be an epidemic of entitled young parents expecting free childcare from family with little consideration of the aging parents. Part of that entitlement stems from them not being told plainly that sorting paid childcare comes with the territory of becoming a parent. They can’t learn to be independent parents if grandparents are still doing the heavy lifting for them, no matter the cost to our own physical health. It also teaches them to remain inconsiderate and self-centered. I love my grandchildren and my children, but if ever one of mine would dare to be aggressive about requesting childcare while I’m unwell, they will have lost me as a regular childcare option altogether. Families should respect and be considerate of each other.

Just be honest.My daughter wanted me to do a simlilar. Thing.which i wasnt up to doing..

That unfair and only makes you felt guilty.
But in fairness I think they don’t see us as getting old and slowing down
You need to let her know how and why you are slowing down

I have to say I’m the other end of the scale my dd is the opposite, she says mum you had your time looking after children go and enjoy your retirement. My children, my responsibility is what she tells me. So I do sympathise with those who are expected to care for grandchildren.

My daughter wanted me to have her baby overnight so she could get a good nights sleep when he was just weeks old and i was in bed ill for months,she thought it wouldnt be a problem for me,just tell her no your just not well enough,i never got over the way my daughter treated me when i was ill for nearly a year.

I cannot believe how selfish and uncaring your daughter is being! Stick to your guns,tell her she has to make alternatuve arrangements till you are well! Take care.

I have never lived near enough to my family to ever be able to expect any help from them. Even more so when I was living abroad and had no one available in that way. My big concern in those cases were to make sure that I knew the way to the doctors and the nearest hospital as soon as possible, in case of emergencies before I had enough language to ask for any help locally. I used to drive to the hospital a couple of times to make sure that I could do it if needed. Then I also got someone to write details out and also a set of questions or how to get to a doctor or hospital, especially when I didnt write arabic or cyrillic. Fortunately never had to go in a panic state which was lucky. I used to make every effort to find at least 2 or 3 other mums in similar situations so that we could help each other out in an emergency, and we would have very simple lunches together so that the children got to know us well enough to be ok if they needed to spend a day with us.

Nowadays I am involved in a womens group, which any woman of any age can come along to, and we have a wide range of ages and even nationalities here. So at least women have a group of us who could give suggestions and help them find what they need.

I do think than Thatcher was the start of the very selfish point of view of grab grab and only think of yourself. Selling off council houses and not building more, and encouraging people to buy properties. for some people that is a sensible and possible thing to do, but with the lack of renting properties at a reasonable price, and families stretching themselves with mortgages , yet thinking that they are entitiled to have everything brand new and not wait to save for things, as we all did, means that couples can put themselves in a situation where they both have to work whether they would choose to or not. This then leads to stress and worry about money and so they then start to think of their parents , not as loving grandparents who care about their children and love them, but see them as free ,available at their beck and call, childcare.

Well it is time that some of them started to expect less and not think that they are entitled to expect it!! They should be grateful for all the care that grandparents are able to do, but should not be depending on them , or working out their lives on the assumption that such help will be there ad infinitum.

So firstly, I think you have to think about your own health, and to try and look after children when you are not well is not only very difficult and possibly could give infections to the children, but more likely that if there is anything going the rounds in children you would be vunerable to get this as well as whatever is the matter with you. Then you could end up being ill for a longer time, or possibly if you dont take care of yourself you could end up in a generally worse state of health.

Then a twofold strategy, where you team up with other grandparents in similar circumstances, and provide each other with "excuses" although you should not have to do this, but it may be easier to be able to say, "sorry I am going out with so and so, we made arrangements weeks ago" or be happy for friends to use you in the same way. Not all the time but to begin to let them see that you are not just sat waiting at the end of the phone to be used as and when they choose with an assumption that you have no other life of your own to live. Another useful plan is to look and see if there is a club or interest that you can join. I go to a weekly whist drive, which I enjoy for the company and to use my brain, whether I win or not, It is not vital and if I was really needed of course I could miss it, but it is good in both ways, that you have some interest to keep you going out and about, and then that casual assumption that you are always available is altered, as they will know that you are not free on Wednesdays or they need to ask in good time and not assume. Grandparents of the world unite in remembering that we have done our share bringing up our children, that we are of course happy to help our families but on OUR terms and not giving up the rest of our lives to wait hand and foot on the youngsters. As far as we know we only have one life, so do make the most of it, and enjoy what you are able to do, as long as health and cost allows. GN's are here to back you up if you want to post more. Good luck , that after the first shock your family will come to see that they have overstepped the mark in seeing you as an unpaid available source , and realize how lucky they are to have you.

Only you know the circumstances both for you and your daughter Musicbuff57, such as, did you offer a set childcare commitment to your daughter or is it just assumed you will help, how old your grandchildren are, how old you are, whether this is a short term issue because you’ve had an illness or operation, what her and your financial circumstances are, etc. as all those things are relevant in offering you advice.

Your daughter is extremely selfish and cruel. Tell her to find alternative baby sitters.

Grandma70s

I told my children, before they even had children of their own, that although I had been very happy to bring up children (them) once, I was not prepared to do it twice. It was their job. As it happens they live at the other end of the country, so it never arose.

I did exactly the same. I babysit the odd evening, when I feel up to it. I'm certainly not being involved in childcare.

Stuck to one day a week, the other grandma took on 2, but she is much younger than me. It got to be a bit much, at one point, but as he got older it was just a matter of feeding him and just being around. He is now 13, and I hardly see him at all

A lot depends on how old the GC are. Mine are still quite young and I know my limitations physically. They live 200 miles away so I'm not doing regular childcare but have occasionally gone to stay and done a few days in certain circumstances. If they are veery young, there are serious safety issues if you do more than you can properly cope with. If they are older it shoud be easier to make other arrangements. Don't put yourself or your GC at risk by taking on more than you feel able to.
I hope to move nearer eventually but I always said I wouldn't do regular childcare as I was an older mum thus an older granny. I'd like to be able to help in emergencies if I lived closer, but I need to have a life of my own too.Things don't get easier as we get older. The other grandparents live as far away so like me they occasionally go to stay to help out, but the other granny still works while I've been retired a few years now.

Why did you bring up your daughters in a way that leads them to be so indifferent to your welfare?

If children have parents, especially mothers, who have always put their children before everything else and done everything they wanted. The children will keep going in adulthood as they learned as children.

My DS has gone NC as I was waiting for urgent heart surgery and said I didn't feel up to looking after 2 DGC for 4 days while DS & DDIL went abroad. 1 DGS disabled the other autistic.