Black Dogs 28

Doodle My Vasculitis isn't "active" at the moment - it's just a cold I've got, but having Vasculitis means that I get other things easily. Thanks, though. Good job the water problem was sorted out so quickly.

Wyllow3 What an expressive picture there. Lovely. You had a chatty day all round, then. It's good to talk.

I went to see my brother - we talked about lots of things, although he forgets that I'm 12 years younger and don't know most of the songs/films he liked when he was a teenager (he was married when I was 6). He didn't talk about his wife, other than to recall some nice holidays they'd had. Stayed almost 5 hours. How has everyone been? x

Wyllow don’t forget to drink lots of water too that will help.
Hope the session today went well. Interesting picture. I hope you get the chance to show them all.
HVDY sounds like you had a good chat with your brother. Nice for him to be able to talk about things he remembers and share some memories. How is he coping these days?

Church was a bit hectic this morning. Lots of people I’ll with colds flu etc. Took one of the older ladies home only to find she’d come out without her keys or phone. Took us ages to contact her son and he had to come over and let her in. We just sat in my car on the drive and had a lovely chat while we waited,

Doodle He's coping fine, thanks. He's obviously lived alone for a few years, and he probably did a certain amount of grieving his wife as she deteriorated over those years. I told him he needs to be more open to striking up conversations with people in shops, but he's not like me in that respect. That lady was lucky you took her home and helped her to contact her son. I bet she appreciated your company.

Sorry- just quick post.
My sis and her partner came this aft and Ive just absolutely crashed and going to bed.
Just wanted to say Scaredycat Im so sorry that your sister has had this accident. I know how very close you are ( for lots of reasons) and I do hope she can get her hop fixed and come home soon. Prayers sent up for her and sending love.

Wishing all a peaceful night.x

Sorry- hip

Your brother seemed remarkably chatty for him, HVDY. Did the time away help, do you think? If he has chosen not to talk about his wife, except the nice holidays, it’s his coping mechanism at work. Well done for the 5 hours. You ar just so good with family

It’s one of those serendipitous things there, Doodle…the chat in the car being someone you enjoyed chatting to. Is there a bug gong round the church, do you think?
You are actually very good with people that you don’t initially know however, it’s a real gift for communication you have.

I hope you enjoyed Sis and partner before you crashed out, Sweetpeasue, do you get on easily or is it a bit of a stretch?
It’s never good to force yourself to stay up unless you have no choice. Some sorts of people contact takes a lot of energy and concentration.

I didn’t end up showing a lot of my pictures. It became a very gentle and good -given the need to repair relationships in our little Quaker group post MrA stuff - but people just mostly wanted to share by speaking. One had brought a good little poem., a very elderly lady some Lino cuts about Light and Darkness, it was a good sharing.

It was actually just the key people of the meeting there and has helped “normalise” relationships for me. Critical D was there and discovered she had no reason to be critical as I ran it well and quietly.

I went to the gym after. Days I don’t manage to go are not good days atm and the week ahead - apart from the when? arrival of `MrPebbledash and sons - has less stress and things to do than for some time.

I wont like it when they hare here..it depends on whether I am able to get some afternoon rest…..ATM I just go to bed every afternoon between 3 and 5 and usually sleep.

I’m pouring water down like I was parched Doodle to little end constipation wise. It may come to bring on the large drinks of Milk of Magnesia on top of stuff already taken for now.

As I said, I suspect deep worries about my eye, like I’m holding on in there tight squishing worries down. Well, if they are to come out, they will at night, and if it’s bad, will ring for help. Had enough despair on and off over the last months triggered by MrA to let it continue over another issue. Just pray if you do it will be benign please and to be seen soon.

Thinking of absent BD’s - always there in my mind xx

Wyllow3 My brother had his birthday whilst there, and his DIL had prepared a buffet, and they had birthday cake (my brother chooses to never do anything for birthdays - his or anyone else's), but he really enjoyed it all. I'm glad your Quakers meeting was friendly and pleasant. Of course you're worried about your eye, and those worries always seem to be worse at night. As for your constipation, some things I used to suggest to my clients when I did care work - liquorice, strong coffee, chocolate, Andrew's Liver Salts, and walking up and down the stairs.

It's raining, for a change! Aqua aerobics then brunch, with my friend, later. Foxy went up our path at 6.30am! Going home for a sleep, I expect. Hope everyone has a decent day x

HVDY I cannot I.magine how your brother copes with spending so much time on his own. If I don’t get out and see people I become very depressed. You’re right. He does need to try and be a bit more sociable, people do often respond if you show signs you’re willing to chat, How lovely his DIl did that for his birthday. So pleased he enjoyed it.
Wyllow of course I pray for you as I do all BD every day. But will ad a particular prayer for you. So pleased the Quaker meet was calm and enjoyable. Along with the water perhaps raisons (can’t spell them) . This was the advice from DH’s gastro surgeon chap. Are you still on the Movicol? Hope something helps soon.
Sweetpeasue glad you had a good visit from your sister and partner. Can be tiring though having company.

Scaredycat any news on your dear sis today. You must be so worried about her. Hope there are family around who can support her during recovery. When my DILs sister broke her hip, she stayed with my son and DIL for 12 weeks as her own home had stairs and no downstairs loo.
I went for coffee with a friend this morning and soon after we arrived DS1 came in. He was having coffe there waiting for his car to be serviced in the garage down the road. Lovely surprise to see him. O

Hi all

I spoke to my Sister this morning and she has had her Op and it went well.However she has to see cardiologist later as she had an arrhythmia before surgery which they will investigate further. So good to hear her voice though.
Been to see my friend today the first time in a week because I didn’t want to pass on my cold germs. She looked brighter today and tomorrow starts 18 months of immunotherapy. Her life is so heated at the moment. Again so nice to see her and we - inc our other friend- had a lovely chat together. We have to grab the better days.

HVDY- what a lovely long chat you had with your brother. What a treat for him to have birthday celebrations - perhaps he is allowing himself to open up a bit and enjoy things gradually. He must have been so worried for a long time now. You are just the most lovely sister he could wish for and I,m sure will come to realise that more and more.
SweetPeaSue- thank you for your kind wishes re my Sister. So wish We lived nearer but it was lovely to speak with her this morning.
Glad you saw your sister and hope you were able to sleep well last night.
Doodle- Church sounded a bit chaotic with so many poorly people but spending time with that lady turned into one of those unexpected events that make life so good sometimes. She was lucky it was you.
Wyllow- I,m so sorry about your eye - it’s not easy in the wee small hours when the thoughts start playing up. I hope you get seen as soon as possible and I will pray that it is benign.
Hope the water does the trick - sweet potatoes are good too.
Loved your picture - have you ever had an exhibition. I can only draw and paint real things- your imagination is special.

Sending hugs to all

I meant to type her life is so hard - not heated!!!

HVDY Hope brunch was good. I expect you work up an appetite having done aqua-aerobics. Iooked ip ANCA Vasculitus- sounds quite serious. You do so well to keep going. Glad you had a good visit to your brother. Even if he doesnt say so ,Im sure he'll have appreciated your visit ,especially when he doesnt see others.
Doodle Good thing you took that lady home from church - otherwise shed have had quite a tiring wait outside . Sometimes it seems that things are designed to enable people to have those unforseen conversations. Hope youve had company today . Yes, DH seemed OK after that walk by the sea and I was relieved he didnt need the spray.
Scardycat Thinking of you and sending up prayers for your sister. Hope things are looking a little better now. I must have been such a shock.
Wyllow Prayers for you too about your eye. Its only natural to be anxious ,I think we all would be. Your painting was lovely. It looked as if the hands were in darkness, clearing foliage and finding light. I hope your not as bunged up - it feels terrible to be like that. So glad you had a good Quaker meeting and it went so well.
My sister is easy to talk to ( though we're chalk and cheese. She keeps things very light. Its just that Im not good talking for ling lengths of time. ( non stop for 3 hrs!) Although I did most of listening I find it difficult to keep interest up for so long. I had a bad night afterwards with all over pain and needed full painkillers.
EllieAnne* Hope you're managing OK.
* Nadateturbe* Thinking of you too.

Visited B&M and bought large lidded plastic boxes( and other stuff) Boxes were for the huge amount of wool sister dropped off yesterday. Her partners mum has been in care home for some yrs and her house was full of wool. Its so strange. There must be around 4 council skips of it. Gave 2 bin bags of it to a nice neighbour who knits. 2 more bags for a local knitting group to go, plus more for myself ( Ill never get through it all) So tired after sorting it but nice to look through and find little gems.
The thing is I started knitting after many years and I feel like its taking too much time but this wool descended on me from the kindness of this lady after knitting her a doll and it somehow feels like Im meant to do it.
I expect this only makes sense to me.

Funeral for DILs mum on Wednesday and Im not looking forward to it one bit- I hate them.

Hope everyone is ok. Sending love and hugs to those who really aren't OK.x

Scaredycat So glad your sister has had her op and I hope the arrhythmia turns out to be a one off.
You must get so tired with the worry about your friend. Hope her immunotherapy help her.

Doodle My brother has never been terribly sociable, and he's now so isolated. It often requires a lot of nerve to be able to walk into a new club or place and join something (I did it myself after my stroke), but unless he does that, his life won't improve, but he's unwilling to try. I might see if he'd join something if I went with him a couple of times. What a nice surprise you had, seeing your son like that. .

ScaredyCat Glad your sister has had her operation ok and I hope she makes a good recovery. It's a good job they found the heart rate problem like that. She can be treated and monitored now. I hope your poor friend gets on well with the treatment she's starting. She's got a lot to cope with, hasn't she. I think my brother might be appreciative of my company, although he doesn't change - he said I don't look any different after losing 3 stone . He's always been the type to speak without thinking or caring.

SweetpeaSue Having looked online at photos of my type of Vasculitis (mainly a rash on the feet and legs), I've got nothing to complain about. It just makes me fed-up when I think of how I used to be (but that's a futile exercise). It was busy at aqua (about 30 of us). I had pancakes with banana, strawberries and raspberries. My friend has a huge full English (I don't like any of the components of one). What a massive amount of wool! Would you say the lady had been a hoarder? Not nice having to go to funerals, is it - hopefully it'll be over with in a short time.

Rang both sons. Son2 and LG will be here tomorrow teatime for dinner/tea, which will be nice. DIL and her girl are going to Manchester for 2 days, shopping and watching a musical. Hope ALL BDers have a restful night x

I put Foxy's food out at 8pm, just looked on the camera - there are TWO of them, and TWO hedgehogs......I'll need to start putting out much more food!

HVDY Oh how exciting seeing the 2 foxes AND 2 Hedgehogs. I wonder if those cameras are easy enough to set up. We love seeing wildlife in any form.
It must be difficult to make any 'headway' with your brother but you seem to have had some progress lately.
The pancakes and fresh fruit sound delicious.
Yes, the lady was a hoarder. My sister says theres hardly a dent in what is left!

I don’t understand the ability to stay home alone Doodle either and not see people, it definity means depression to me, maybe some feel happier with familiar things around. But maybe more men cope like that, I just dont know. Thank you for the prayers. How lovely to see DS1 just like that.
Are your friendships church based, or met at the hospice? I do remember you get on well with a lady in your flats.

That is a very thoughtful idea, HVDY, going somewhere with your brother. What sort of thing would work? A sort of old fashioned mens club, or some where he can go to a lunch club? I’m a bit out of touch with what older men
on their own do for socialising.
Oh, the how we used to be….what yummy pancakes, food right up my street.

Nice to look forward to Son2 and LG - what will you feed them with? Thats quite an outing, to Manchester - what fun

Thank goodness the op went well, Scaredycat. Sounds like they believe it will heal in the right way. I hope the cardiologist assessment doesnt find anything serious. A good day there with your friend 🫶 - so glad there are these moments - you have been so close, for so very long.

Yes, before I crashed out of Art and Life in general in 2003-2004 into total breakdown state I had one solo exhibition and offer for another….I have an Artists Book in the Artists book collection in the Tate Britain, and I had 2 videos shown in 3 international shows, I was doing both representational work and conceptual work, was trained in both. (Ie not just painting/drawing but photography, installations, some sculpture (I did love my time before all that on my part time BA I did in my late 40’s)

But now, years later, I reckon I let I let be pushed to “succeed” (on the Fine Art MA well except for the book, which was really from my heart) and I now reckon success in life is more to do with things like wellness and family and love and making the world a better place in small ways and doing the best I can and…….

MY tum has eased up today. I did sleep and wake in a fog of deeper but opened an email giving me more MH support, every 2 weeks not 3, and “phone anytime”, which lifted me out and in the end I did an hours walk in the park and it was mostly sunny and of course found people to briefly natter with (its school holidays so lively).

Sweetpeasue thats right, the hands are searching and finding hope and the light. Ah, the love, but chalk and cheese - seeing up a “light” conversation about this and that is actually quite hard work -concentrating when there is so much going on inwardly….. is the amitrypteline (sp) kicking in yet or yet to come? I’ really sorry about your thought night too. The dark hours are never the best time, are they.

My goodness! You are all wooled up!

You don’t have to do it now…but you really are talented, and may feel inspired again at some time - so do hand onto the wool. It Amy be you associate knitting with the tough keeping going at any coast times? But your work is certainly not trivial. I’m sorry it’s the challenge of a funeral.

May all sleep wall, and I will think of BD’s and some others who struggle just as much…yet all koko. xx

Wyllow You are perceptive regarding the visit.
Good you had that nice walk. An hr is really good!
Im not sure about the Amitriptyline kicking in with the low mood. It does help a little with sleep.
The Ukrainian Supporters thing Im involved with does see me get daily reels and also daily reports. Its so dreadfully needed. I feel so involved now. That's not to say Im deluded about it all. I just feel I need to help. There's dog food and baby milk That's needed also.
I get so very tired with everything.

Sorry, Im quite embarrassed by my last post. Was quite upset last night and not thinking clearly after a couple of glasses of wine. I shouldn't have posted ,I know it doesnt make sense.

Sweetpeasue, given that I am a pretty political person, and have always been, it actually makes perfect sense.

We can't separate entirely the personal from the political. Some of us who feel sorrow/trouble strongly personally are bound at times to identify with peoples/countries struggling at times. Small actions - all part of "making good" within and without".

Not good, not good. I had the worst night for a long time - the eye thing, on its own would be a worry but not overwhelming - has come on top of far, far, too much. Some very bad symptoms. Lots of self hatred, hard to trust, not knowing who I am feelings. Like an untethered child.

Got up thinking I must ring for help at 9am but my mind as ever unless its collapsed tried to find a way through. After a lot of googling (finding out which Consultants relevant work across the NHS into private, looked like 3 - got one of the secretaries early on the phone she said "oh you need X")

X is actually the lead in the field but his online private booking wasn't free till May. But the secretary said, "ring" and I did and got an appointment a week today 6.30pm.
Beginning to understand what it was like for you for so long Sweetpeasue.
I'm hoping its a case of immediately ruling a melanoma out since sis said odds are small or just needing deep imaging photos.

But after all the other triggers for months my mind is not working well at all, thank goodness for my support people but all I feel is "I want to be looked after"...

But instead, Mr Pebbledash is starting tomorrow at the back, but only that, they are OK blokes, the older bloke running it is kind.

Wyllow Im so sorry for your really bad night. Sounds like sometimes you have so much self examination and it leads to self hatred and that lost feeling.
Its good you managed to get a handle on it and you have done brilliantly to find the right consultants.
Yes, I too found that even privately some consultants had long waits for appts. I guess more people are having to go privately these days as the waiting lists are so long.
Im sure everything will be alright but you cant cope with all this stress , and coming right after the Mr A thing. II hope soon the melanoma will be ruled out and you can settle.
I hate having workmen doing anything to the house and put things off as long as possible so can understand. Hopefully it will be finished soon and they sound nice enough.
Hope tonight will be better ,knowing g that you have a date in the diary.

Thank you for being so supportive. I hope your day has been OK.

(These workmen are as benign as you can get - they don't have to come in the house at all and don't expect to be fed tea and coffee - tomorrow is the only noisy day)

I have difficult QuakerD tomorrow. Probably coffee and then a little Q meeting in the evening:

Hindsight is a great thing: but I should never, had I known better, chosen her to confide in re MrA: She is a classic passive aggressive: hurts, then when I took her up about it, quite gently, guilt tripped me back with tears when I was the one ended to cry. Working on my strategy: I have to keep encountering her: feel I have a plan.

How are other BD's?

Scaredycat so nice to see your friend a bit better, hope the immunotherapy helps. Can she face time her Dh. I’m sure they’d both like that. Glad you got to chat to your sister and her op went well. Hope she makes a good recovery.
Sweetpeasue funerals are hard. I’m sure you will be there to support your DIl and family. I haven’t been to a funeral since Dh, died. I wanted to go to a friends but couldn’t face it so soon after Dh so made my apologies, so glad your Dh had a better day,
HVDY I know it’s not easy when you’re a loner to make friends, I am amazed how many friends I have now. You have to put yourself out there, There is an organisation called Men in sheds or something like that around. I hope you find something he can go to . You are very good to him considering how he’s been. He’s lucky to have you. You are quickly becoming an animal sanctuary 🤣
Wyllowi am so sorry you had an awful night. Good you got an appointment with hopefully a vey good consultant . I hope he can prrovidr what you need in terms of support.
I am very lucky. I have made friends at church. Art class, walking group. Hospice, sit fit and most of all our lovely neighbour who is a good friend to DH and me. My art friends, 7 of them, are amazing. Church is good too but as with all things you have to put yourself out there and be friendly to others,
You are obviously a talented artist. Hope you find a way back to being able to show more and do more but as you say mental and physical health are more important

Wyllow3 Not sure what type of group, if any, would be suitable for my brother. I'm looking at different ones. He used to love photography; he has about 9 cameras and their attachments, etc. Perhaps that. Glad your tum seems easier. I don't know why I said DIL and her girl are in Manchester - it's Bristol they're at! You're a very talented artist. What an achievement to have your work shown. You should be very proud. Sorry you had such a rotten night. Great that you managed to speak to someone and get an appointment fairly soon. Hope the workmen do a good job. QuakerD sounds
like a sociopath.

SweetpeaSue Hope you and your husband have been ok today.

Doodle My brother used to go to Men in Sheds, a few years ago, when his wife lived at home. He loved it and went 4 days a week. It closed and hasn't reopened, and the nearest one is 15 miles from him, but it is only open for 2 or 3 hours once a week.

Son2 and LG came for dinner - he and I had seared tuna steaks, potato wedges and oven-roasted veg. LG and DH had fishcakes, wedges, sweetcorn and carrots. Son1 and GD1 came at 8, to bury her pet rat as it died today. We've got lots of pets out there now! (3 rats, 6 gerbils, 3 cats and a rabbit). Hope everyone has a good rest tonight x