Black Dogs 29

Hi All
It’s been another nice day here with the odd cloudy interval. First Sunday in the month we have a Farmers Market on our Green. It was really busy today - a continual stream of families all eager to buy stuff that’s twice as much as anywhere else!!
But it makes them all feel countrified so everyone is happy.
Had a 2 hour Face Time with my Sister which was lovely. She has a problem with her leg from the hip Op . They put something between her lower legs to stop her crossing them and it made a big blister and a wound that is taking ages to heal. Her hip is doing well! You couldn’t make it up.
Doodle- hope you,ve had a good day and were able to meet up with friends at church. It was a good thing to have that long walk it must have helped clear your head a bit. Then your day was busy afterwards. Ploughing through that Tea Cake -I,d rather have it well done though.
PurplePixie- that’s a difficult subject but will be such an appreciated gift eventually. Another artist in our midst.
HVDY- that was a good shopping session. Your GD must have had a great time. My DD and GD1 and GGD have gone on. Spree today. They can shop for England.
Your brother has had great loss - it must have affected him greatly. Perhaps he’s afraid of getting too close . Brilliant that he’s gone to the Men in Sheds thing- you have helped him a great deal.
Wyllow- yes my friends son is absolutely worn out and I ,m afraid he,ll have a breakdown if he’s not careful. He told me they have the same conversations over and over again. He has no partner at the moment so no one to share things with. Her family are awful and no help at all. It’s a very complicated situation.
I should get results next week hopefully but I,m not holding my breath!
It’s worth paying for your TV series if it brings you pleasure- do you have Netflix or Prime? Wondered if it was on one of those- I know they are pay channels too though.
SweetPeaSue- I,m glad your Aunt knows who you are - my other lovely friend doesn’t really know us any more but we somehow chat a bit anyway.
You must miss Fluffball when she goes but it gives your DiL the chance to do something for herself which is lovely. Fancy meeting an old friend - she must have been pleased to meet up unexpectedly.
Rain and fog - no wonder Fluffball didn’t fancy going out. Our gardens could do with some rain - had a little last night .
Yes I,ll be glad when I get the results - thank you.
EllieAnne- another weekend nearly over - hope it’s not been too bad.
Love to all and wishing all a relaxing evening x

PurplePixie That sounds nice. Are you still in touch with your old teacher? Perhaps you're younger than the rest of us on here? (I'm 67 and imagine my teachers would have died years ago).

Wyllow3 Did you do a Quakers Zoom call? How was the gym?

SweetpeaSue I bet Fluffball enjoyed her time at yours but was probably pleased to see her mum, too. It's been cool and overcast here all day.

8ScaredyCat* You chatted with your sister for a long time . The blister must be very sore for her. Poor lady.

Awake since 5.30 (got up at 6.30 as I couldn't get back to sleep). DH got the cases down from the loft and found them full of clothes from our last trip abroad (8 years ago). I've already got lots of clothes, so I've put some on Vinted and will take the rest to charity shops. Love to all x

Scaredycat Your poor sister- that wound must be quite painful. Hope it will heal up quickly- it seems a strange thing for them to do. I am sorry for your friend's son, he must feel quite alone with it all - Alzheimers is such a cruel thing. Yes, the rain will do our gardens good, we shouldn't complain and are lucky in this country that we get enough.
HVDY We will miss Fluffball but we know we can have her again. She was certainly over the moon to see her again and gives my son and equally lucky welcome when he gets back from work on Tuesday. How funny you found those clothes after all this time- theyre probably all too big now.

HVDY not surprised your brother is sad. Being alone is hard and he doesn’t try to help himself much. It’s good he’s going to men in sheds. I hope he enjoys it.
Wyllow hope Mr R can be supportive to you. You should be proud with how you’re keeping going after all the Mr A stuff.
Purplepixie the painting is a lovely idea.
Sweetpeasue sometimes being out and walking is better than sitting and brooding. I’m finding this weekend a long one for some reason. Had a lovely lunch with son and family and dog but just not myself at the moment. I seem to have lost all my oompf (not sure how you spell it)
Scaredycat your poor sister. Those leg wounds can take ages to heal and can be so sore.. Good she’s got you to talk to though. That was a marathon session. 😊

The weekend has been ok . I phoned dd today. I’d already messaged her about her dad as she complained last time I didn’t tell her till later.
I tried to explain that I’ve been feeling very isolated with no family around. She knows dh and I haven’t a close relationship but never acknowledges it, my boys are both about an hour away but the older one hasn’t ,been here since Christmas. I only see him because I go there every week to do some housework and ironing. But he works difficult hours up at 4 home late afternoon and helping to take the gds to various interests so I do understand but wish they were closer. Ds2 visits every few weeks. If it was an emergency I m sure they would help. And of course dd is her usual self.!
I’ve no siblings. Have cousins but my dad never wanted to
Mix with anyone so I don’t know them.
Again I’m sounding moany . Sorry.

Doodle My brother spends all day, every day, sitting alone with only his thoughts. He misses his wife (she only died less than 2 months ago) and his son.

EllieAnne You're not moaning, you're feeling lonely, which is understandable, really. Would your son and his family visit you if you invited them for dinner or anything?

I realised that when I said I'd found clothes from a holiday 8 years ago, it might have sounded as though I hadn't washed them! We went in October, so I washed and put them away for the following summer. They're all too small - size 14 - as I'd lost 4st in 4 months at that time. Still too damned fat now.

EllieAnne You are doing your best for son 1 by helping out with the washing and ironing and you have to travel there and back too which is quite a way. Your son2 is visiting approx every few weeks which is nice. Sounds like youve a good relationship with both sons but its natural when you feel lonely to want to see them more often. I expect your DD feels torn about 'taking sides" . Its not .moaning to feel so lonely, especially when you have no meaningful relationship with your DH. I wish I knew the answer.

Your poor sis, Scaredycat. she has a brave heart, and I hope healing will come to her. Poor son - he has to get help - I accept what you say, its too complicated - we know he has to shout incredibly loudly, and blokes don't find that easy - I'm thinking local support groups and so on that have share knowledge and experience.

Crossing fingers for an OK result - these things always have to go to an MDT before giving results, its standard - but hard.

(yes, I have the works TV wise, just watched an old favourite on Prime for the nth time, "the runaway jury", where the gun lobby in the US gets a major defeat - spot on for an old politico like me. Also Montalbano. Top fave...since I dont go out except for coffees, it's my treat to me).

HVDY I can feel the holiday anticipation building up there. Well, you have lost enough weight to wear clothes you might not have done this time last year and are a whizz with Vintage. I hope the Mens Sheds work out for your brother.

It is so hard for you Ellie Anne. Sons and Daughters often don't want to deal with their mum and dad's relationship. I think stuff with Ex harmed my relationship with DiL

But as regards practical help with DH, I think it's worth trying to get some help from them but realistically so - you can only ask - a refusal would hurt, but you might be surprised. It depends on so many factors in their lives too. This is where you may have to ask for help for you from the GP if it gets beyond endurance emotionally.

Fluffball has been so lovely for you, Sweetpeasue. I know at times in my first married family life when things were difficult the fact we had two cats made a lot of difference especially to DH and DS if I was withdrawn. You are lovely for Auntie, and you are doing all you possibly can, and stepped up for DiL very naturally. You sound - I may be wrong - but a bit less isolated than of old? The involvement with Son and DiL gave you a sense of value and worth and something you could actually help with when your own situation was so intractable?

I think it's one of those home made spelling words, Doodle. The will and energy to get out there and..well, do stuff. Lacking oomph in my experience may be many things but it's often in period of great sadness or change afoot, but we cannot know always.

The gym? I was so exhausted today I as at home in my nightie all day. I went to a Quaker Zoom which was OK: but as regards matters with MrA, it snot just some sort of determination to see something through. I've had to own I really am suffering from trauma I cannot cope with. doing less and less/; sleep and waking still very troubled: I can cross check with S Assault and symptoms, which fit, and recognised by my helpers as such,

but this is the key problem:

I need not to have to face MrA. I do not want him to come to our meeting. it's not just the actual assault, as I have said, but the complex involvement of other Quakers or should I say non involvement and resulting gaslighting. I can ge ton top f it in terms of psychological understanding

but the fact remains that if I request MrA not come back to our meeting for an unspecified time, I will put the backs up of some other Quakers in my meeting big time. Who either dont get it, or have such partial information.

What to do

I literally cannot bear the idea of him coming back unless there is some sign of true repentance: but if I insist on protecting myself it will lead to some disapproval or conflict from people who are hoping it will just go away, cosily.

The option is to go into "flight" - run away, but that is also self damaging. these are what I am going to talk about with Safeguarding HQ and then local ones.

It has literally made me ill physically and mentally despite great resolve to keep up the gym and family as much as possible. sometimes ones mind reaches a limit - self understanding is to enough.

Yes, R has been very supportive and has helped me get this far really after I realised post the meeting MrA came to it triggered it all over again.

HVDY Oh youve done so well losing all that weight it doesn't matter you're not a 14- honestly ,its amazing ,youve lost so much. Its sad about your brother,hes lost 2 very close people.I really hope he makes some good friends at the men's Shed.
Wyllow I hope today has been much better for you, I really do. Its so bad that this Mr A assault has had such a wide impact and affected you in so many ways. The more you see other Quakers wanting it to blow over the more angry you will feel. The thing is Im sure they will believe you in how awful it was but unless they've had the experience themselves they can't actually know . I expect they dont know how to handle it and it seems, dont want to exclude Mr A from the meetings. When you talk to Safeguarding headquarters don't hold back and tell them how ill its making you- I really dont know shat else you can do. I just hope they will really listen.
Please dont let this undo all the efforts you have made getting well.
Keep going to your gym in the meanwhile , your walks and the Costa visits so you are taking your mind away from the problem a little .

Not been good today for DH. He had bad sharp pain through chest into back as we were going around a supermarket and had to sit down and take spray. When we got back to car he needed it again. Told me hed had it earlier when I was upstairs getting ready. Keeping close eye on him. Hes v tired. Pretty low about it all.
Hope everyone is ok. Love you all.

Ellie Anne do you think your children are aware of the problems in your relationship with their dad but don’t know what to say so keep quiet?
HVDY it is quite easy to sit and grieve and do nothing all day but dwell on thoughts. This won’t do your brother any good but I doubt you can make him more active. Loneliness is overwhelming and sometimes nothing can be done but live with it. At least he goes to men in sheds. That’s a start.
Scaredycat it must be so hard for your friends son. Such a lot to cope with. Hope you get your results soon and they are ok.
Wyllow a very difficult situation. Is there another Quaker group you could go to where Mr A doesn’t go. If you put your foot down and said you didn’t want Mr A back at all would the Quakers agree and stop him coming back or would they relent and let him back anyway. .
Sweetpeasue I do think another trip to the Gp could be the way to go and ask why Dh keeps getting the pain and so often. No wonder you’re worried. Hope you get some answers.
I’ve had a lovely afternoon at the hospice with DS2. Such a comforting place for all the family.
Missing DH so much. Many people said the second year was worse than the first and I know what they mean. Now others are saying the third year is just as bad and I can understand that too. The more time passes the worse it gets. Not quite what you’re led to believe. Sorry moaning again.

tbh some mornings it’s a struggle just to get out of bed and face the world. idk why it hits harder some weeks than others, but you definitely aren’t alone in this. i’ve found that just sitting in the garden with a cup of tea helps clear my head a bit. sending you lots of strength, hang in there.

Thank you tavini sitting in the garden sounds peaceful. Thank you for your kind thoughts.

Wyllow3 I can wear quite a few things that didn't fit me last year. It's a difficult situation regarding Mr A. Would your Quakers group be willing/able to stop him from going to all the meetings? Keep going to Costa, the gym and the lovely parks you enjoy. Perhaps another visit to your son?

SweetpeaSue Thank you for those encouraging words. I'll get back on the diet properly after the holiday (we're going all-inclusive, so endless amounts of food and drinks ). My brother said there are only about 6 men at the shed place. I suggested he invite one of them to meet for a pint/coffee, but knowing him, he probably won't. Sorry your husband has had a bad day. It sounds as though he needs to pace himself a lot. Not easy to do.

Doodle I've helped my brother as much as I can, without actually going with him to places. Loneliness must be terrible. I'm glad you see your sons and their families, and you keep yourself busy. I imagine it takes a great deal of effort to keep going, but you do.

It's been a grey day, with a bit of rain. We'd been invited to meet Son2 and family at Lincoln, but thought better of it. Stayed in and did some chores, watched tv. Hope everyone has a restful night. LG will be here all day tomorrow x

Hello tavini and welcome.

Oh Doodle....just keep sharing what you can xx, just to say, the hospice does seem one of the most comforting things that you can do..keep on... I have memories of you sitting that last day, like a picture xx

Sweetpeasue - I'm so sorry that DH had a very tough day and it's so dispiriting. Sigh -like going backwards for you.

I spent most of today, apart from a sleep and gentle yoga at the gym - at least I got out today - writing to the Big Cheese safeguarding wise preparing her for the Zoom. Begging her to tell me what to do. Missed nothing out, told it like it is. Said how can I talk about this to local Safeguarding when they were part of the problem.

There are some very nice national Quaker Zooms nearly every day and twice some, so it doesnt mean cutting it out of my life, but I feel very strongly I should not be forced to face my sexual assaulter until I am ready, and he is genuinely repentant. (even if it involves him being required to attend some kind of course) Let them take the onus on deciding, although its a heck of a responsibility, but not mine.

After yet another night like last night. It has isolated and exhausted me so very much when I could have been healing post the big depression, seen my family, done all that I'd planned.

So told her like it was. High risk strategy? Better than now.

But I did get out for some yoga at the gym for awhile, and it was quiet, and treated myself to chicken korma in an emergency dash to Sainsbugs. Choc was bought as well.

Well, hope you all had a good weekend. I took it on board and didn’t look at the whole thing as a bank holiday and it worked.
DH was ok but every time he decided that He was going to be sarcastic then I pulled him up about it. We had a day out on sunday to a steam fair and it was ok but I have long since lost any feeling for him. I am 74 and he is 72. He has every ache and pain under the sun and I do feel sorry for him at times but sometimes he does put it on. We both look quite young for our age.

I managed to finish a jigsaw off yesterday after trying to get my head into painting but it just wouldn’t come. I have to be in the mood to paint yet I can knit or crochet at any time. Last night I knitted part of a dog/cat blanket for Battersea. So far I have knitted over 100 blankets over the past years for them.

Decided this morning to tackle the weight thingey. I am 2st over weight and this doesnt help the mood at all.

Had a lovely chat with my youngest son last night and he is coming to stay on friday night on his way to a meeting friends on saturday morning. Short but will be sweet. Looking forward to seeing the lad.

An afternoon at the knitting group this afternoon. They are a great bunch and I am one of the youngest ones there! Fabulous small group of us.

All should be great but I just didn’t want to get out of bed this morning and it was after 8am before I got downstairs. DH had got up after 7am. I wanted to just sit and cry.

I’m FEDUP with being FEDUP.

Sorry for the long post. Take care and thank you for reading.

Hi all
HVDY- yes my Sis and I do enjoy our chats and it’s lovely being able to see her on FT. Her leg is sore- such a pity because her hip is healing well.
What a surprise to find the clothes!! Lease don’t knock yourself- your weight loss has taken so much effort.Just enjoy your holiday- you do so much for other people it’s your time together- make the most of it.
Hope you,ve enjoyed today with LG
SweetPeaSue- it sounds like a nasty turn your DH had yesterday. Like Doodle I think you should see your GP again.
It’s so hard for you both to relax when you are never sure when the next one will come.
EllieAnne- it’s not moaning you’re just telling it like it is for you. It would be nice if you could see your DSs more and not just for the housework day. Another kind thing you do.
Wyllow - you describe my Sis perfectly- she has a very brave heart and is selfless to a fault.
Glad you have all the tele channels- something to suit whatever mood you feel in.
I,m so cross that Mr A ha# made life so stressful for you.You are worth more than that. Please try and concentrate on all that is good in your life. Well done though for making what must have been a massive effort and going to the Gym and getting a foodie treat afterwards. I so want you to be able to put this all behind you. It is nit your responsibility-the ones who are responsible need to take your position more seriously and deal with it accordingly.
Doodle- so pleased that you had a healing time at the hospice- it is a special place.
Thank you yes I,ll be glad when I get the results.
Those times when the pain of your loss hits you so hard will get more bearable it’s that at the moment it seems relentless- I feel for you very much as we all do.
Tavini444- Welcome it’s good to have you here.
PurplePixie- life together as you get older is a challenge for many.A day out can be companiable just as friends. The sarcasm must be hurtful but you seem able to nip it in the bud.
Well done for the knitting- lots of warm and cozy cats.
Glad your son will be visiting - nothing like a hug from a Son you don’t see often.
Have you tried ADs to help you cope?
Nadateturbe- thinking of you.

Love to all past and presentxxx

Wyllow3 You shouldn't have to face MrA until you feel ready. Hope you get a satisfactory solution to it all. Chocolate is always good.

PurplePixie Steam fairs are quite interesting. My dad used to like the old fairground steam organs. Are you and your husband in fairly good health? It'll be nice for you to see your son. Does he live very far from you? You obviously do a lot of knitting! And all for a good cause. I used to like the programme that Paul O'Grady did at Battersea Cats & Dogs Home. I didn't watch the one with Alison Hammond (don't like her much). Is there anything in particular making you feel fed-up? Or is it what we all feel sometimes?

Little Girl was here 9 til 5. Went to a softplay centre, which she enjoys, then home for lunch and a play with toys. Fed the ducks at the local park. Hope everyone has been ok x

Hvdy I’m with you on Alison Hammond. I don’t watch anything she is in. Paul o Grady was lovely.

EllieAnne She's too loud and excitable. Paul O'Grady was funny but had a real love of animals. I was sad when he died. How's your day been?

ScaredyCat Your post wasn't there when I posted mine. Thanks for that, but I could have lost more weight than this (I'm looking forward to the buffet-style food, particularly fish and all the desserts!) I'll get back on the diet fully when we get back. How was your day today?

Nadateturbe Not heard from you lately - how are you?

It’s been ok. Helped at church this morning serving drinks and doing dishes.went for Covid jag then took some left over baking to my friend.
Did a bit in the garden but the wind was quite cold.
I’m not sleeping well. It’s all going round in my head that nobody wants me . I think all I really want is a bit of kindness from my children.

Purplepixie Glad your weekend was not as bad as you feared.
100 blankets knitted for Battersea Dogs Home-thats an amazing achievement!
Paul o Grady was a lovely man wasnt he.
I know how it feels to be overweight and really, really want to change that. I keep telling myself every morning will be the start of less calories. Sometimes I eat when not hungry but have a sweet tooth.
So many things can contribute to that really fed up feeling and if ignored for too long can plunge you into deep depression before you realise.
Everyone here has been clinically depressed or is depressed about various things in their lives. If it gets too bad would you consider anti- depressants - they didnt make me feel like I was on top of the world, but they did lift me up so I could think more clearly and enabled me to think more clearly.
It makes such a difference if we can see our families .You must be looking forward to seeing your son on Friday, have a nice time.

Im the same with mornings though - my DH too. It takes an effort to face the day sometimes. At least here on this thread we can be honest- it sometimes helps to share.
Thank goodness for your knitting group. Im hopeless at art but find knitting can distract.
Take care of yourself.

Scaredycat do you have an appointment to discuss the results or are you just waiting to hear from someone. I always think the waiting is stressful. Hope you had a good weekend.
Ellie Anne I was doing coffee at church this weekend too.
I’m sure your children and grandchildren do want you but I can understand how lonely you feel. The relationship with your DH doesn’t help. We all care but I know that’s not the same as having someone close to you. I liked Paul O Grady too. He was lovely.
HVDY you’ve done so well with your diet. I’ve been trying hard for about six weeks now and not lost anything. I’m obviously still eating too much although I think the main problem is lack of exercise.
Purplepixie sounds like you and Ellie Anne have a lot in common. Shame you’re not closer together and you could meet up for coffee. Sorry you are in the same situation of living with someone you don’t care for. Must be very difficult
Wyllow hope you get a supportive reply from the big cheese 🧀. Good you’re still doing the gym. I’m sure it helps.
Sweetpeasue how has your Dh been today? Hope he’s not had more pain. Have you tried to get in touch with the GP?
I’ve been to Windsor with friends. A busy and long day. Looking forward to church tomorrow then going to visit an open garden

EllieAnne Youve had quite a busy morning at church and then taking baking to your friend. Doing things can certainly distract us but the underlying feeling of not being loved is so awful .
I really think its a vital thing that we need to know our children love us . They often have such busy lives that they can forget to say so . Im sure they do love you and I think you might be surprised at how much they need you -- I totally agree though-- it would be so good for them to tell you so . You so need that confirmation- we all do.
Is it possible to open up and tell them that its nice to hear them say so or that you need a hug from them.
I hate to think of you as so unhappy - you do deserve happiness you know.
Anyway , have a hug from me right now. Xx