Black Dogs 29

Thank you all for your kind and positive words.

HVDY must have been a shock for your son. Still now he knows he can take steps towards a diet that makes things better. Well done him for being proactive. Glad you’ve got your gynae appointment. Hope they can help you.
Purplepixie how lovely you’re going to spend time with your friend. Nice to have something to look forward to. How do your children get on with their dad? I’m on antidepressants. There are many different ones. I am weaning myself off them on my own. They can help. Ellie Anne I wonder if you’ve had old school antidepressants that just dope you up, maybe if you speak to the GP and explain about just feeling flat they might be able to find something that makes you feel better.
Scaredycat I remember how scared you were to start the antidepressants but what a difference it made to your life when you did. I agree pointless to build all these new homes with no increase in doctors, schools or hospitals. We need green spaces, parkland otherwise well all be suffering from depression living in concrete jungles and the Government will wonder why.
Sweetpeasue nice you visited your aunt. Does she seem settled there now? Good Dh hasn’t got poly myalgia again. Muscular things can be so painful. Hope you have a restful weekend.
Well I managed to drive myself to hospital today for my pre op assessment. Not one I’ve been to much before. Assessment fine so should be set for op soon.
Wyllow so good you’ve got a cleaner you like. When is your next Quakers meeting? I hope things get easier for you.
I’m going to see a Noël Coward play tomorrow. Not sure if I will enjoy it or not but it’s a day out.

SweetpeaSue Son2 and DIL are angry that Son1's partner didn't take him to his hospital appointment - she'd said she didn't feel confident about driving there (she drives several miles to work though, and has a satnav). It doesn't bode well for the future if she ducks out of things like that. Anyway.... they'll all be here on Sunday, so I hope we don't have any arguments. Glad your husband hasn't got a Polymyalgia flare-up. Has he lifted anything recently? Sad about your aunt - it's best to tell a white lie such as you've got an appointment somewhere or you've got visitors arriving but you'll take her another time (she'll forget that conversation).

Wyllow3 Son1 will have to shop carefully now, and lay off the beers that he loves. I've bought gluten-free pasta and rolls, and I've paid for a year's membership of Coeliac UK for him. Glad you've had a better day. Seeing your family, if something can be arranged, will do you good.

Doodle I had this problem before, when I was in my 40s. It was pre-cancerous cells on my cervix, which they treated. I expect it'll be the same thing. Glad your assessment went ok. Perhaps it won't be long until you have your operation. Will you be in hospital for long?

Jaffa's has a tin of tuna, but as soon as I put the oven on, he thinks I'm cooking him some chicken (we had pizza), so he's hanging about and following me to the kitchen a lot. Greedy boy. x

Wyllow Im sorry those angry/ upsetting thoughts of the Mr A fallout amongst Quakers keeps niggling you and spoiling your recovery. You are so much further on now though. Glad youve had a mostly good day today.
Doodle Sorry but I must have missed something. I didnt know you were having an op. Hope its not too serious.
HVDY Oh dear- families. It does seem a bit unfair though that your son might have been left to his own devices without your help. No DH hasn't lifted anything lately. A past scan on shojlders/ neck showed inflammation and arthritis but the chest pain ( not his angina pain) has been there bothering him for a good yr.

My dh is coeliac and over the years it has got much easier.
You can get gf beers. I don’t think the bread is great but he says it’s ok toasted.For gravy I buy the bisto in the glass jars.
You get used to it.

I was on sertraline and a couple of others.

And since we are sharing cat pictures

SweetpeaSue I like Son1's GF but she's rather drippy, if you know what I mean. He's supported her with things - she's lactose intolerant - and she should have been with him. DH and I didn't mind at all about taking him, though. I hope your husband gets something sorted out about his chest pain.

EllieAnne thanks for that. When Son1 was a toddler, I had some tinned bread and then Juvela bread (it was vacuumed packed and not nice), as well as flour and pasta, all on prescription. GF foods weren't in shops then. Has your husband been Coeliac for long? What a pretty cat, by the way.

Hvdy for many years now.
It used to be hard to get sausages but now most supermarkets have them.
Things are a bit more expensive but I look out for offers..
Eating out is getting better too.

Just missed your post, Sweetpeasue. I'm guessing that if it's arthritis in his neck then it's possible his hips have arthritis too?
They are typical spots to have it? I am really hoping, as of course you are, that the steroid injections have a powerful and helpful effect. xx

Oh, it's heartbreaking for you to see aunt and especially the related requests to go home. When I was an inpatient (it was a MH ward, but there were a couple of elderly people there, and one could not cope after her husband had died mentally or physically. She also begged to go home.

They let her go home for weekends with frequent carers 3 times, for her to try it out. Each time, she simply could not cope, and begged to go back to the ward. but once on the ward.....in the end, they found a very good care home, but she had the same response as Aunt. She wanted to go home.

You are doing absolutely everything you can by listening and caring. It's one of those life situations that you cant "make all right" and the combination of DH and Aunt is bound to make you feel all life is sad and uphill.

Yes, thinking of Nadateturbe too.

Doodle all that concrete is bad, but it's the local councils who have to give planning permission. It's up to them to demand a balance of green spaces.
(Having said that, I think it should be demanded by law so they can't do that. As well as adequate doctors, schools etc)

But I've just checked the law - they do have to provide adequate green spaces on Greenfield sites, but I suspect city centres are brownfield sites - and people need homes, but its not the right way to go about it.

If I recall correctly you a while back either you had to postpone the operation for medical reasons or its wasn't the right time for other reasons. Please do remind me of what it's all about - sorry, dodgy memory. x

My now husband is not my children’s dad. He is estranged from all 3 of his children and I am not surprised. Both him and his previous two ex wives were rubbish parents. I did my best when I first came along with two of his children from his 2nd marriage but they were impossible and I havent seen the daughter since 2006 and the son since 2010. He is not in contact with them. His eldest son he had with his first wife and he turned his back on him when the child was 6 months old. I have always been there for my 3 children and 4 grandchildren but it is in later life (about 11 years ago) that my daughter became estranged from me. I tried everything but she doesnt want to know and it blooming well hurts. I am in contact with her two daughters. My beautiful granddaughters.

HVDY 'Drippy' - yes, understand.
Hope all goes well tomorrow with family.
EllieAnne Your cat looks very cute indeed, thankyou.
Purplepixie Im sorry- theres a lot of history there and things must have been very hard for you through all of it. Youve done so well helping with your step- children in the past so youve certainly done as much as you could. Im sorry about your own DD - that must hurt terribly, I cant imagine how much. The Estrangement thread is full of parents who are estranged through no fault of their own. I can only think that when these AC live their lives as parents themselves they might get experience of how hard it can be , especially with mixed families. Im glad you're in contact with your DGDs - shows how well they care about you too.
Sometimes ADs can help take the edge off a really low mood and help you cope a bit by giving you a real lift, but its a personal choice.

Son 1 is down and staying with son 2- came last night. They all went to beach together this morning - we didnt go as we know it will be absolutely packed with no parking places and no seats and DH won't manage. Just going now as they've come back.
Hope everyone is ok.

Sorry all not posting much tonight. I’ve been out all day and just got in and had some food. I’m hot and exhausted but had an enjoyable day, catch up tomorrow. Much love

EllieAnne Thanks for that. I've bought gluten-free pasta, sausages (they all seem to be GF), bread rolls, pizza, and crisps. I'll make some burgers tomorrow.

PurplePixie Things must have been difficult, and you did what you could. Sorry your daughter chooses not to be in contact. That must be very hard to bear, but your GDs are obviously pleased to be in your life.

SweetpeaSue Son1 is very much the alpha male in their house, sees it as having to be strong and take care of the household and family. His partner, nice as she is, is rather weak and not at all maternal (she's got 1 son), which I find odd. I've bought various gluten-free foods and have ordered a GF cookbook for him. Hope you had a nice catch-up with your 2 boys. It was too warm to be on a crowded beach, anyway.

Doodle Glad you had a good day, hope you sleep well tonight.

Wyllow3, ScaredyCat, * Nadateturbe* - how have you been?

DoodleGlad you had a nice day. It must have been very warm where you are. Hope uou sleep well.
HVDY You are all genned up on what GF food to prepare for you son.
Yes it was a nice afternoon with them all and lovely to see older stepson too. They're going back tomorrow. Son 2 goes back to work Monday too leaving DIL alone for a while. Hope shes ok. Will be looking after fluffball reg too next few weeks.

Sorry- lots of 'toos' there!

too exhausted to post much about today: I did fight the urge to take extra disazapamand alcohol and made myself go for a swim which was a good move.

Safeguarding have not made a decision about MrA returning.

They want to do this quaker thing called a "Meeting for Clearness" with Quaker HQ and one of the support group of the meeting: the one suitable person says she wont do it alone

(I dont blame her, but if they are all involved all my personal details of the trauma and my past will have to be some part of it)

Basically sooner or later however many meetings they have to talk they will have to deal with the reality of what MrA is doing now, which is "canvassing for support amongst" Quakers who dont know the situation including of course other women having complained about him.

The way the way this is going has meant that its almost reached the mark when I managed to bravely walk back into Meeting late June 2025 after the Depression - and just 12 weeks after it all kicked off.

I was talking to my cleaner who is a christian and knows a fair bit about these matters - apparently many C of e churches have guidelines already which include things like no people of the opposite sex (or same sex if thats the inclination) should go alone to another house, and so on.

I mean it was 12 weeks after that it all kicked off with the Sexual Assault in October.

Hi all
HVDY- I expect who he feels physically will influence your Sons food choices now he knows the facts. It won’t. Be easy but he,ll get used to it. Do hope he finds a way to deal with what are difficult conditions.
My 12 yr old GGS1 has Crohns and manages pretty well but it’s not been easy for him.
I hope you are having a lovely family day- you have made sure there is something for everyone. It’s not always easy with DiLs but you have a big heart and a lot of love for your family.
You personally are so brave with the many physical problems you have had over the years- I really admire that.
SweetPeaSue- those hospital mistakes are scary.
My Sister is now in her 8th week of recovery from her Hip Op. T he wound sustained in the hospital from the leg separators is still far from healed and necessitates 2 dressing changes a week from a nurse. It is really hindering her recovery.But she won’t complain to anyone though it was caused in the hospital.
So nice to have both your boys around- don’t blame you for giving the crowded beach a miss and you know how I love beaches!!
Your DiL will be glad of your company sometimes when your Son is away- not easy for her the first year without her Mum.
Fluffball will work her doggy magic as usual.
I do try and be optimistic but often it’s a case of”Whistle a happy tune”! !!!!
EllieAnne- lovely little cat- what’s his or hers name?
I wish there was a pill for your unhappiness- you need some joy in your life.
PurplePixie- HVDY got it in one with the ADs . That’s exactly how I feel - they are worth a try.
You have obviously done your best with your step children in the past- not easy. As for your own children I don’t know how you cope with the estrangement from your DD- it must tear your heart in two. I,m glad you have your 2 dear GDs in your life.
Doodle- it was brave of you to drive yourself to your pre Op assessment.Will you have someone to go with you when you have your OP. I can’t quite remember what it is for but I believe heart related.
Hope you enjoyed the play- nothing like live theatre is there.
Hope the air con was good in the theatre.
It’s still hot today,isn’t it but a lovely breeze making it feel more bearable.
Wyllow- you did well choosing the gym and the exercise- lovely cool water to soothe mind and body.
Yes sooner or later a decision has to be made regarding MrA.
He is a pathetic and devious man to be touting for support as he is when deep down he knows he’s done wrong.
A clear set of guidelines is needed and then stuck to. You and all the other women deserve to worship in peace and safety.
Hope you have had a relaxing day.
Nadateturbe- thinking of you.
Candy- how did your move go?

Love to allxx

Scaredycat Thats really not good enough - that your sister is still recovering from the sore wound. It sounds as if its been a pressure sore and they can be very stubborn to heal , especially older people. I am sorry , you must hurt for her.
The beach they were going to has parking at the bottom of cliff but often full which necessitates a steep drop down many steps from the top and of course up on way back. One of my sons would have driven down for us but I dont like to be a nuisance. Good song that from King and I - love those old Rodger and Hammerstein films.
Wyllow Hope youve had a better day. Its just awful how the Mr A assault has had such wide reverberation through your precious Quaker meetings and caused so much suffering for you. Yes, your swim was a good choice between that and dosing yourself up to keep your mind from anxieties. I wish a decision - the * right* decision for you- can be made soon. Do keep your gym going as I know how much that means to you and you can chat with others there.
HVDY Had a nice time with son's and an overdue catch up with my 15yr old DGD. Went to beach this morning with them and there was a fresh breeze and not so many people about. ( more family health concerns though) .
Thank goodness for Fluffball - pets do keep people going dont they.

Hope everyone else has had a reasonable weekend. X

HVDY Thanks for the tip for leaving aunt- sometimes white lies are kindest.

Sweetpeasue how lovely to spend time on the beach with your family and good to see your DgD too. Pets do make a difference don’t they.
Scaredycat the Windsor theatre is a very old one. Tiny but with well padded seats and the Royal Box where the Queen used to sit. No such thing as air conditioning there. Not too bad though as I took a fan. Quite in keeping with the stage set for the play. It was ok. Second half better than the first. Not quite my cup of tea but a good day out.
No the operation is a simple one (I hope) to remove the fixing plate they put in when I broke my wrist, apparently it’s not laying flat and they are concerned about tendon damage. I will go by taxi but someone will bring me home.
Sorry about your sister and her leg wounds, those things can take ages to heal. Did the hospital make a mistake with them?
Wyllow I’m C of E and we do have good safeguarding people in our church. I’ve never heard anyone say that people of opposite sex shouldn’t go alone to someone’s house. Surely that depends on the circumstances. We do have a lot of training about looking out for abuse of any kind in children or adults. Coercion or mental abuse.
I do find it strange that all this is taking so long with the Quakers.
You did brilliantly going for a swim instead of meds and alcohol.
HVDY must have been a shock for your son but hopefully if he watches his diet he will feel ok. You’ve got the ball rolling by buying all those gluten free things,
Purplepixie I’m so sorry about your estrangement from your daughter, that must be hard to cope with. I’m glad you still see your granddaughters thought.
Ellie Anne she/ he is very cute. What’s his/her name. Such an inquisitive little face.

HVDY there are so many gluten free products now it does limit ready made or processed foods. He is right bread isnt brilliant and it’s expensive it means changing some habits. But really great if it helps health wise, a breakthrough. I agree with Scaredycat about ho you have managed your own health conditions over the years. TBH, I think I’d rather have “drippy” than bossy or rejecting. Not that one can chose!

It must be tough at 12 to have Crohms Scaredycat. I looked up the list and it has so many common foods and unexpected ones, too. Thank you for the Sis hip operation report. I’m so sorry the stay in hospital resulted in the unwanted wounds. Sigh. Lovely lady. But I bet your niece hasn’t had news of her operation yet for that huge lump she has?

I’m glad you are having a dose of doggy magic Sweetpeasue. I think I can guess that beach - intitals RB? A real relatively unspoilt favourite of mine going a long long way back lovely sands. But as you say, if the car park at the bottom is full then…mmm I have photos of going there, first choice, in 2011 after years stuck at home with depression never going away - magic, you should see my grin. And decent coffee at that cafe now not Nescafe like in the 1960’s. Oh I wish I lived nearer the sea at times.

That was a decent day out, Doodle Was it sort of a “mini theatre” not a big grand one? Thank you for the description of what you are having done at the hospital so’s we know.

EllieAnne not just a fab cat but such a great photo - it seems to capture the personality totally, nose on. You take some good photos.

I thought a lot about your situation, PurplePixie. I just know more than I used to from the estrangement threads. Do you ever read them? Are they of any help? Your situation is so complex. I just ask - do you want to live alone, or is that decision a “work in progress?”. Would you still see those who are still in contact with if you did choose to live alone?

No - I didnt avoid alcohol and extra tablets. The trigger, after all this waiting, was this decision to take it to this “Meeting for Clearing”. Weeks, uncertainty, felt their telling g me I would know this week had all come to naught, they had not after all “heard” just how at the end of tether I was. It’s evasive.

What actually happened was I went to bed after the mini rant here at 12 and woke at 4am. then it all hit me big time. Tried it all, hot milk, walking around, music, until I realised it meant yet more uncertainty and I hadn’t been heard as much as I had thought in the zoom. Beside myself,
Had some alcohol and 6mg diazepam. Didnt work. Repeated.

Wrote letter to all the significant Quakers involved about the effect it has had on me and then. Thought - to hell if they label it all “Mental Health” they are affecting me and have to know it. And actually, last night was just a worst version of what it has been like on and off for some months as you know.

That was enough to knock me out for just 2 hours not 5.

At 8.30am I rung the MH bit of 111.

She checked up I was not actually planning anything bad right right then as per and directed me to the 24/7 Sexual AbuseAssault/Rape national Crisis Line. I thought whats the point. I’m not that important in the big scale of things blah blah.

But the youngish woman I spoke to was really spot on. Caught on very quickly including the nature of the Quaker group. She said they were cowards not to make a decision and to put it off. I can ring them twice a week for 40 mins if I want. I’m guessing that ringing early in the morning is a good time as well, btw.

So I wrote the same Quakers as second email telling them what I had been directed to 111 then the Crisis line and what was said (not the coward bit).

Then sat down a bit and thought and looked up what the Quakers are actually supposed to be doing according to 31:8 and what they are not doing. And wrote and said just the specific about making quick protective decisions for both physical and coercive aspects of what has gone on.

Then I got a strange text from the police on the same line as I had been using in November - I think it must have been the iris line people. Policeman/women X will ringing the next few days. Haven’t a clue what they can do except it was related to Victim support. Don’t think thats worth following up.

Then I watched some mor eo fly go to help viewing Montalbano…and had a decent afternoon sleep.

Got up, found an email from Safeguarding saying could they contact my psychologist. OH yes. So it’s going to be labelled MH,hey? But not necessarily a bad thing, except she is away for another week, But I did say I had been managing iris like last night jus not as bad for some long time due to whats going on, and alt ought I accept I do have very strong reactions I am very experienced at dealing with the MH side, and that the Crisis women had specifically said t me that my reactions were strong but well within the norm for what had happened to me.

So another day passes on it, but I just have to field what circumstances and my own mind throws at me but ffs it should never have happened at all and I said that and why so long.

Clarification of my muddled sentence

But I did say I had been managing triggers like last night - just not as bad - for some long time due to whats going on,

and although I do accept I do have very strong reactions I am very experienced at dealing with the MH side,

and that the Crisis women had specifically said to me that my reactions were strong but well within the norm for what had happened to me. And told them I would get them a contact person if I could in MH to write to.

The cat is a boy called Rocky