Black Dogs 29

I’m dithering about going to my group tonight. Missed it last week because of staying with gd1 but was noT missed. I always come Away feeling a waste of space. They are all couples of various ages except one divorced lady who is a bubbly intelligent professional and I’m the wee mouse in the corner.
I’m not criticising anyone . They are good people. I’m the problem.

Doodle It made a change to go to the theatre, even if it wasn't really what you'd normally do. The weather's been quite muggy here, although dull. I bet your fan was welcome. Have you been given a date for your operation?

ScaredyCat Thank you. I've always been resilient, and I was brought up to "get on with it" with any illness (not that my parents neglected to look after me). My sons are the same. Your poor GGS has a lot to contend with, having Crohn's. He's so young to have problems like that. Do certain foods make it flare up? Your poor sister. The injuries on her legs must be really sore. It's very poor that the hospital caused that.

SweetpeaSue Glad you enjoyed a nice visit to the beach. Does your GS talk much? We've got a step-Grandson who barely says a thing, although he is friendly and polite. He follows Nottingham Forest, so can talk to DH about that. Fluffball is a tonic. Pets can take our minds off things, can't they?

Wyllow3 Son1 has been reading up about Coeliac Disease - it's an autoimmune condition (I have Vascuilitis, which is also autoimmune, so perhaps there's a family connection?). He's also trying to stop foods and drinks that will make his hiatus hernia worse. The Quakers seem to be dragging their heels a bit over the Mr A situation. It's all been going on for 3/4 of a year now, hasn't it?

EllieAnne He's a handsome boy.

Lovely day yesterday - Son2 madeburgers and Jerk chicken, I made Chicken skewers, all the rolls and sausages were gluten-free, and I made a fresh fruit salad instead of buying a gateau. Had LG today, so we went to the playgroup and a park, then she played with water in the sink. Hope everyone has been ok today x

Wyllow You sound like you're really struggling at times. I hope today has been a little better for you but do ring that sexualabuse/rape crisis line when things are bad. I hope you get the girl who spoke to you last time- not sure if it works like that, but at least its another port in a storm if you cant ring your own MH people.
I know the beach you mean but it was actually very nr to us - S.B but still has many steps. The RB is a beautiful place. I expect there are many that feel different now there are more people ,still good at quiet times though.
EllieAnne Im sure people in that group dont see you as you see yourself at all. You have such low self esteem that it makes life quite difficult for you ,you put yourself down far too much. I wasnt sure if the group you mentioned was bible study or your choir. Hope uou dont feel like that at both of them.
HVDY Aww I remember my DGS playing at the sink in water. We would both get soaked but its amazing how many scenarios we made up with little legs men and using rubber egg poachers as boats( those egg poachers were useless for anything else). My DGS doesnt talk as much as he used to bit not too bad and seems to need a bit of drawing out and questioning about school ect. It was nice yesterday but back to showers today.
Doodle I haven't been to theatre many times ,a couple of times in Keswick, but I wouldnt be keen on academic stuff like Shakespeare . When I read your post at first I thought youd got the royal box! Good you had that fan handy. Hope youve been OK today.
Scaredycat O Im sorry your GGS has crohn's disease - its a horrible thing to have ,the poor soul. I think children are so good and they seem to take things in their stride and are able to rise above things easier than adults at times. Perhaps they still have that optimistic approach to life that time can give a bit of a knock to as we get older. I hope your neice gets her op soon though , she must be thoroughly fed up by now.

Just a quiet day at home today.
Hope everyone is ok. X

Made me laugh when you asked if the Windsor Theatre was a mini on not a big grand one. In terms of size it is small but in terms of grandeur you’d go a long way to beat it.
It’s 116 years old. The original theatre built on the same site dates back over 200 years. No hydraulic lifts or modern equipment it is all operated by hand with pulleys and ropes. It is an amazing place. Opposite Windsor Castle it is The Theatre Royal Windsor and has the required Royal box. A real sense of history there. Of course the inside is dated but has the original fixtures and curtains etc and a ghost of course.
Sorry you didn’t ask for a history lesson 🤣🤣
Oh dear. What a traumatic night for you. I can’t believe they’re dragging this out like this. Whether or not you have MH problems what he did was wrong. I hope your psychologist puts them right,
Ellie Anne Rocky is lovely. Is he a cuddly cat?
Sorry Ellie Anne what is the group for ? If they are nice people, try engaging with them more even if they’re couples it might help. It takes a while to get to know people.
HVdY yes I’m due to go in on June 10th. Ont be able to drive for a short while after which is a bit of a problem but not too bad. It’s good you’re trying to help your son with food choices. Sounds like a lovely meal anyway. That made me laugh. Children live playing with water in the sink don’t they 🤣
Sweetoeasue hope you both have had a good day today pain wise. Does your Dh have any follow ups due?
Scaredycat been a bit cooler here today. How about you? I went to the garden centre with friend for coffee. Spent ages wondering round but bought nothing.

Rocky is not very cuddly. It’s very much on his own terms
It’s my bible study group and I know most of the people well. Except one young couple who are fairly new but very confident.
I’ve nothing to offer.

Hello to Rocky, Ellie Anne. Did you go to your group tonight? How was it?

You are not the problem. A quiet, good listener is always always appreciate by the “talkers”, believe me. You really dont have to say anything, really truly (being someone who rabbits on, an attentive listener always feels part of the group).

Oooo, nice meal there, HVDY, was it a BBQ? I’d love an LG in my life, as it’s just some every week, tho you do have staying power for a long day with her.

Ah, you are further north, Sweetpeasue. Googled it, nice beach, found the steps. Ah, that the trouble with DGS when they get older they don’t chat like they used to. It’s finding something they like and are OK with talking about!

I’m glad it was a quiet day.

I can just picture a small theatre that has aspirations to velvet poshness. 😉 Doodle Drapes round balconies, and so on.

Acshually I like anything historical with a bit of a story. What is you holiday choice (not where, but coast or abroad, friends, coach or train etc, you can tell I want to sort a holiday)

If you had had a garden t would have been a dangerous time at the garden centre.

I slept well after all that and was just setting out to the gym when a letter from MtA arrived.
It was a whine based on excuses that he was lonely and oh but I have changed now fest.

It includes the classic whine
(For real) “‘I never knew I had to ask people to touch them”.

I did of course point out lots of people were lonely for touching but didnt feel the needs for sexual assult. Well it got the anger energy going at the gym and did a good session and felt better for it:

and especially after a young women had seen my party piece (I can do an extended yoga headstand against the wall for some time) and most impressed (preen)

…. whilst planning an answer, to MrA which “outed” him in ways he couldn’t suspect I knew (like the other women who complained, like how someone manipulated x and y to criticise my meeting support group and he could dif he chose intervene 😇 and so on.

But I wasn't unkind when he referred to being lonely, I said I had realised it, just saying how many others did too or indeed my state of mind me when he attacked me

- but we didn't go round sexually assaulting people

What I had basically decided was to have one last go at getting him to really see how unacceptable sexual assault and covering it up was and just how ill he had made me, Well, we’ll see, its worth a try.

Because copies of his letter and my reply have gone out to every single person making decisions on him. and he's like, going on in his letter, "I've got lots of friends and went out for a long walk with x" and has no awareness he has stopped me being able to do it as he writes it despite being told.

Tomorrow am planning (as I had been for today) a no MrA day so will act on that. It's a rain sun mix so who knows.

I'm wondering when Scaredycat has her feed back day xxxxx

Life is hard being estranged from my daughter. I’ve read the estrangement thread and it helped. DH is being ok lately but I don’t like him. The love went a while back if it was ever truly there. I think I only loved one person and he is dead. Sometimes I think I can cope on my own other days I feel that I can’t. I had a banging head last night and went to bed early. Head feels sore this morning. I’m going to give the knitting group a miss today. Back to bed for a couple of hours.

No I didn’t go to the group. It would be nice if someone contacted me to ask if ok but I m not expecting anything.
Wyllow did you say mr a is married. I thought you did. Not that being married stops lonlieness as that can be worse. He sounds very whiny.
I’ve got my old folks thing at church today and there is a man there who makes my friend and I uncomfortable. He always calls me darling when I’m serving him tea and I find him a bit creepy.
Purple pixie I wonder if you have to go out of the house to get some space or if your dh goes out.?

It sounds as though you're an introvert (me too). Nothing wrong with that. You're as good as anyone else. As for someone calling you "Darling", perhaps the man struggles to remember the names of people? Or he's just being friendly? A woman I know calls everyone Darling, Sweetheart, Love, or Duck. She called me Kath this week! (not my name and nothing like it).

Doodle I bet you'll be glad to get the operation over and done with. You've got so many friends, I daresay someone will visit you at home and perhaps take you out.

Wyllow3 Yes, we had a BBQ. I cooked some things in the oven, including tuna steaks with a lime and ginger marinade. I always do far too much food when we have these get-togethers. I hope you have a Mr A - free day. He and his antics really have taken up so much of your time, energy and thoughts. The weather's nice here at the moment. Hope perhaps you'll get out (on your bike?)

Went to aqua aerobics and for brunch with my friend. She had a stent put in her brain last Friday (she's got 3 aneurysms with coils in) Got my hospital appointment at 3 - a transvaginal ultrasound - so I'll be back later. Hope everyone is ok x

Hi all
Doodle- the theatre sounds interesting. You must have felt the part wafting your fan. We went to the Yusupov Palace in St Petersburg where Rasputin was assassinated- there was a beautiful theatre there which sounds a bit like yours. The one where he was killed is in the basement I believe.
Your Op is still an Op and isn’t a nice thing to have done. Glad you,ll have a lift and hope someone can help when you get home in case you can’t lift stuff.
My Sisters wound problem is on the inside of her ankle on the same leg as her hip wound which has healed OK. I only know that it was friction from the leg separator used to stop her crossing her legs that caused the problem. You couldn’t make it up.
EllieAnne- Rocky is a great name and he’s very handsome.
What a pity you didn’t go to your Group. Of course you have something to offer- yourself. You don’t have to be loud and pushy most people prefer quiet, gentle people like you. Please try and stop knocking yourself all the time. Is there anyone in the Group you could ring and have a coffee and a chat?
As for the creepy man you could always accidentally spill his tea on him when he starts with The “Darlings”.
HVDY- yes my Mum was a get on with it Mum- very kind and loving but she always knew if you were trying to swing it.
I do feel sorry for my GGS - he has a hard road ahead I think.
He goes regularly to the Hospital for infusions which have made him feel so much better and he can eat just about anything- and does!!
My sisters leg is bandaged up to her knee. Eight weeks is a long time to have an open wound like that isn’t it.
I love to hear about your family BBQs etc- you make such lovely food.
Your friend has a lot to put up with- must be quite frightening for her. Hope your Ultra Sound goes smoothly.
SweetPeaSue- I expect your Beaches are lovely in the Autumn when everyone has gone . Must be wonderful to have them so close. I am a tadge envious.
I think children don’t overthink like we do- they live much more in the moment.We have seen and done so much our heads are bursting with it all.
I hope you had a nice quiet day.
Wyllow- good to see you thinking of holidays. How about Bamburgh- it’s so lovely and some very interesting places nearby.
Mr A is priceless. What a whinger!! But he spurred you on to use up all that angry energy at the Gym and it helped. So much better for you than stewing over him. Well done with the party piece- don’t you feel dizzy when you stand up afterwards?
Do hope you got out today- it’s poured down here the first rain since I can’t remember when. DH was out so I went to our local Garden Centre as I had lots of cards to buy and they do lovely cards. Couldn,t get out of the car for ages or I,d have got washed away!
This evening I have an appointment with a cardiologist as the report came through and I can talk to him about it.
PurplePixie- It sounds like it’s too late for your DH to make amends. Is it not possible to just have a friendly relationship or is the dislike too strong. If so maybe you would be better on your own. I,m so sorry.

Love to all - those above and all those who have crossed our paths over the years.

Sorry, been quite upset about aunt's reaction to us leaving today. Her pleas for us to take her homeand then stating she'd walk home herself. We left saying DH had Drs appt. When I looked back she had followed us to glass doors and wanted out ,nurse was trying to reason with her.
Just cant answer all tonight.

Ellie Anne you’re wrong. You do have something to offer even if you don’t say a word. Your presence. That is important. If people don’t turn up the group will close. Listening is important too. Some people are confident and like talking. Others listen and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Keep going and don’t put yourself down. Don’t forget “they also serve who only stand and wait”
Wyllow I hope you managed to get across to Mr A the wrong choices he has made. Good you had a good session in the gym and I’m impressed with your headstand too.
Purplepixie I’m so sorry you’re in a loveless marriage. Does your Dh feel the same? Must be desperately hard for you both.
HVDY I hope your procedure this afternoon wasn’t uncomfortable. When will you get the results?
Hope your friend is ok. My friend has just had three stents put in her eye. Amazing what they can do these days.
Scaredycat yes I felt quite the lady with my fan. 🤣
Yes one of our sons will being me home and keep an eye on me. I think it will be a couple of weeks before the dressing comes off. In theory the bones have long healed and this will just be opening the old scar, removing the plate and stitching it back together again……in theory.
Do hope your sisters wound heals. Leg wounds can be very difficult to heal.
Sweetpeasue I wouldn’t have wanted the Royal Box. It has a somewhat oblique view and has a light rack in front of it. I haven’t been to many plays either. It was ok but it made a day out.

Went to garden centre again today and got stuck there amid torrential rain. An absolute downpour for over an hour. Nothing to do but sit and have coffee and cake and wait for it to finish.

ScaredyCat My friend with the coils in her brain doesn't get bothered by it all - she had a brain haemorrhage 11 years ago and was in hospital for 4 months (I didn't know her then). She still smokes and drinks (pints of cider) and goes to every Nottingha Forest match, including the ones abroad. She's just been told her daughter is expecting her 1st baby, so you'd think she'd want to give up smoking and drinking, but no. Your poor GGS - it's good that the infusions help, but his condition is awful, and he'll likely have it all his life, unless a cure can be found. Your sister is having a rotten time of it. You're so caring of your family. I hope her wounds heal soon.

SweetpeaSue It's really tough to watch a loved one like that. I can only say I hope she settles down soon and goes into a different stage of Alzheimer's.

Doodle The scan was quite painful but didn't take long. The Radiologist said he'll send the results to the GP, but I don't know when I'll get to find out. Fancy having to have cake and coffee - what a shame .

DH out with Son1 for the evening. I intended to do the ironing, but then realised I can't be bothered x

I had a long sleep, and it was a slow start, and difficult to get out, but once I did it got better.
I went to Home Bargains in search of some cheap basic bedding plants, and then the one thing that is the best bit of my life atm - the gym, and the company there. Tonight there was a lovely Quaker Zoom, its an international one, and head straight in to joys and sorrows - one regular is losing her husband to cancer right now, others have: for some reason the hymn with two of my favourite verses popped into my head from school days
It will be familiar to some and I love the “thousand ages in thy sight” bit
www.hymnal.net/en/hymn/h/607

We ended up discussing quilting bees (the US contingent) so I told them of Knit and Natters, and of Mens Sheds. The word "natter" tickled them.

Thoughts on MrA - I’m continually being asked “what do I want”. Its simple at one level, and its faith related two, being the situation

*True remorse and owning what he did and feeling my pain” owning his pain that drove him to it, in front of others:

*A chance for me to actually believe it, to pardon, forgive.

Can he do that? I think I can put it forward, to others, but frankly, they would have to also believe there is a point in doing so. I can’t engage in it if it ends a slap int he face mentally and expectations from others that means he can come back whatever the outcome. And, again, what it does is suggest “it’s a problem between him and me”. Which it isnt, its a group responsibility,, an had it been regarded as such from the start, the outcome would have been different: ie, at the start, people confronting him with it and realising what he was actually like, instead of soft soaping him and de-facto left to deal with it. But then, had I not felt guilty and kicked up a real fuss from the start….

Any thoughts ideas on that welcome.

Its always good PurplePixie, if your body says “rest”, “withdraw”, and you can, to “hear and obey” I take my computer into my room my bed day or night: it doesnt always work to distract or enhance rest of course, but often it does.

No EllieAnne. MrA is a widower and has been for 3 years. But I happen to know he was unfaithful when he was married, and there have been other incidents. Your Mr Creepy does sound, just that. They expect women to make life “all right” for them, and of course if there is love and sharing its natural and fine but there has to be respect. I love the Scardeycat suggestions of the “oops I’m sorry with the tea”
As regards people asking after you, I think generally, unless you have a specific known illness:

its more likely to happened if you do engage with people they get to know you, which is hard for you.

I’m not generally comfortable with “darling” HVDY Unless it’s a regional commonplace, when it’s different.

But that woman saying it to me I would be fine. A women saying it in that context is different.

I love a good BBQ - having said that, I wouldn’t like neighbours who did it a lot and noisily. And it helps keep the midges away. Yes, I keep telling myself to get out on my bike! But I need company and the gym gives me that and I only have “one thing a day” energy. Well done on the aqua aerobics. We have them at the gym of course, I’m a friend of one who I’ve very much known for years.

I’m glad the scan didn’t take too long. Well done coping with the pain. I hope you dont have to wait too long for the results. Ironing can always wait. . It wont walk away. Just lurk…

Your brave GCS Scardeycat…I guess the only plus is that he is used to it..children somehow accept those routines…my DGD, L, of course has so much of that, but its all she knows. At our ages, your Sis’s wound will of course take longer to heal. She is very resilient, I bet she doesn’t complain a lot.

No, a headstand is very relaxing, its good to be upside down, there are ways of course of finding a way to lie with your body tilted down, deep breathing, etc etc, yoga teacher at work here, no rush to stand up of course, rest lying after. (Blood circulating to the head as we are usually upright or lying flat all the time is good for you - probably in the days everyday life had much more physical activity for all but the rich meant more bending down and so on.

I’m picturing you in the car waiting for the rain to stop. Garden centres these days can be a real pleasure, just watch those debit cards 😉.

Please please do let us know the results of the chat you have had with the cardiologist x

Oh Sweetpeasue, yes, really upsetting, as it makes you feel her pain but just brings helplessness. Especially trailing you to the door. Yet you know it’s better for her than being “deserted”. I wouldn’t know what is the best thing to say to help. HVDY has a point, sometimes a later stage of Alzheimers means less angst, but it can go so many ways.

Now, the hospital, Doodle. I’m very glad that you arranged your son to brig you home. But most of all, that the resetting improves what you can do with that arm.

Will you have to stay home, or be able to get out? Can you ask some people over for cuppas if you are stuck in? So you were stuck in the garden centre with the rain!

I’m glad it was one with coffee and cake. I expect there were other marooned people.

Thinking of absent BD's - nadateturbe never forgotten, and new from others , too. Psalm 22 followed by Pslam 23?

(And a good dose of Corinthans 13:1)

I think my dh battles on and doesn’t see it the same way as me. Lots have happened in the past and it’s not just the depression with me that had changed me. He is ok after I’ve had “words” and that can last a few weeks but the love I had for him has gone. I keep busy with my crafts. Nobody would suspect there was anything wrong. I just don’t like him. I’m 74 and not about to start again.

Hi All
SweetPeaSue- I really understand how you feel about your Aunt and her distress. To look back at her little face so upset would make anyone sad.But hopefully the staff are kind and will distract her once you,ve gone. I hope,she feels more settled soon . Maybe she,ll meet a friend in there . It has really helped my lovely friend.
Doodle Your Op sounds quite a complicated one. I do hope that it helps to make your wrist and hand work better afterwards. Glad you,ll have your Son around to help if needed.
Although my Sister is presently in remission I think that the Myeloma is a contributing factor towards this slow healing wound. And as you say leg wounds are slow to heal.
That’s funny. You were stuck in your Garden Centre because of the rain and I was stuck in my car outside ours for the same reason!! At least you had coffee and cake😀
HVDY- your friend sounds a character - she lives life to the full.Maybe she,ll change her ways a little after she sees her new GC- and maybe not!
Yes obviously my GGS isn’t aware of how serious his condition is yet. He starts Grammar school in September and is so excited about that. As you say it’s an awful thing to have lifelong but perhaps there will be a breakthrough treatment in his lifetime.
Sorry the scan was uncomfortable- fingers crossed for the results.
Ironing is so easy to ignore.
Wyllow- Home Bargains is like Aladdins Cave isn’t it. Hope you got some nice plants. We always go in without getting a trolley then DH has to go back out and get one- so many goodies in there.
That Zoom meeting sounded so good- lovely to chat with people from across the world.
It should have been a pretty straightforward thing to solve the problem of MrA. He behaved in the most inappropriate manner and shattered your confidence in those who you thought would defend you and discipline him in a convincing and decisive way. He really forfeited his place there with his actions but if he,d been truly and sincerely repentant and prepared to abide by their rulings perhaps you could have accepted that.
Don’t let that vain and selfish man spoil your enjoyment any more.

Well I went to see the consultant last evening and I have Stage 2 Heart Failure. It wasn’t a surprise although I did feel scared to actually hear the words. I know people can live a long time with it but I have already lived a long time so it’s a bit different.
I have a couple of new meds - the Pharmacy had run out so I have to get them tomorrow!! So it’s Live for the Day as usual and try not to dwell on it too much.
Tomorrow we have to take the boys to the Vet for the first time. It’s flea and worm treatment day- too much information eh!
Hope they are not to upset.
Love to all xx

Yuki in the tunnel babysitting

Doodle Nice words to EllieAnne. I feel the same in that there are always plenty of people who like to talk but not everyone is the same. ( the wise old owl comes to mind).
Glad your son can help out by bringing you home after the op. I hope it makes a difference and it wont be too long before you have full use. Its amazing how much we use our hands and take them for granted.
*Wyllow Hope today went to plan and gave you time out from the Mr A worries. Its been very windy here with showers. You're really very ' bendy' arent you with all your yoga- am impressed with the headstand though doesnt it makes you a bit dizzy. Sorry ,read your description that its actually quite relaxing. I used to do handstands against the wall as a child ,then down the wall and into 'the crab'. Ha , those were the days.
Purplepixie It must be awful living like that. I wonder if your DH suspects , deepdown. When you say youve changed , I think we all do through the years , living through various experiences. I guess its learning to accept our partners changes but its no good , of course, if theres no love there any more. Your crafting must help a lot to keep things going but you must feel so sad deepdown.
Scardycat Im so sorry about your second stage heart failure and I can imagine you are quite anxious about it. You have such a good attitude to it and Live for the day and in the now - is something we all need to do really. Accepting that our bodies wont do what we want them to do can be hard. Im not sure what is happening with pharmacy's not being able to get so many medicines in but its a bit of a drag having to return for stuff. Aww your pic of Yuki with his little mouse company look very cute. Is that a cardboard box tunnel?
Ah you understand well about my aunt ,having your friend with same disease.
HVDY I take comfort in the comment you made about my aunt might settle a little when she enters a different stage of her illness. I can only hope so.
You must be glad to have that vag/ultrasound over with. Sometimes the anticipation beforehand can make things worse but I def think some are better and gentler than others. Hope the results come quickly for you.
Ive got a pile of ironing here building up - must do it before weather gets warm again.

Fluffball today. She was so cuddly. Then to book group this afternoon and went well. Poor DH could hardly move his neck this morning - he thinks he must have slept in bad position.

Hope everyone has had a reasonable day.love to all and those not mentioned.

PurplePixie What a difficult situation to be in. Do you ever go out or do things with your husband? EllieAnne understands what it is like, as she's got a similar relationship.

Wyllow3 Good to chat with other Quaker members from other countries. DH's sister chats with church people from America quite often. You're very fit and flexible. I struggle to even get on and off the floor . The weather's been all over the place today - did you go out?

ScaredyCat Sorry about your diagnosis. It's really quite common as we age. Heart failure means that the heart isn't working as well as it should. My mum had it for 25 years. (she didn't die of that, by the way). I bet they've given you diuretics? Stage 2 isn't severe. Keep resting when you feel out of breath or tired. Yuki is so beautiful. I hoe both boys behave for the vet tomorrow. Will they get into a carrier easily? Jaffa simply walks into his.

SweetpeaSue Does Fluffball mind going out if it's windy or raining? I hope your husband's neck pain eases off. Would something like Voltarol help?

Had a message on the NHS app - abnormal cells found on my cervix, so I've got to have a colposcopy in 2 weeks - I had the same thing 25 years ago, and they treated the pre-cancerous cells there and then. Hope evryone has been ok x