Black Dog 30

I was very glad to come into hear your friend's news, Scaredycat. Yes, a lo ahead, but that is good to hear.

That really makes sense what you say, EllieAnne.

You feel guilty you dont love him, but there are no "shoulds" with love - in fact you can be. proud you have done your best by him instead.
Frankly I could not have stood that woman rabiting on and on

...and just be cause it was on a bible topic doesn't mean someone has a right to deliver long dialogues with no sensitivity to those, as you say your tolerance levels are low atm but I bet P secretly felt the same.

Ooo, super place, HVDY, and oh dear, that kitchen must have been hard to live with.

Dreams....all..... I found understanding why I had the dreams helped coping. This can be helpful (as per psychological theory) but the feelings are tough and can be slow to fade. it's interesting how many of us have them.

Tired as a nice lunch after teaching friend some basic yoga, much needed, but I had to go off and do a big shop instead of a walk, tho the sun had come out, but given how long I browsed in TU and pottered getting everything I needed, it was quite a walk anyway, and I've needed to catch up on washes (tho did receive a delightful 3 Rowan Brand Jumpers, some lovely online ones this season (cheap, they wont last, but so pretty...plumber came while I was to and did an outside job...)
Sun tomorrow - it didn't come out today until latish after noon anyway.

I rarely go anywhere away from my few familiar places alone.
It's nice to have 4 or 5 places where I feel "At home" as I do.

Best sleeps and minimal dreams all BD's.

A reasonable night given that yesterday evening I had told Friend a good deal about my MH past, like having been an inpatient. It was way back 2006-7 but to me, a sort of "university of Life" because of the diverse people I met in terms of culture and backgrounds. I was bessie friends with a lady whose Dad had farmed her out at age 12: I made friends with a sweet young Pakistani woman who heard voices, and much more, as soon as I was well enough, and had learnt confidence from that as I never ever let anyone bully me.

But its feels risky to share. It was OK, but on my mind overnight somewhat.

Lovely sweet day out, so it has to involved some sunshine.

Oh dear BDs, look what is coming up for me:

I have big dilemmas ahead as regards my leaking roof and resulting mould wall (even a mushroom and crumbling wall in the front bedroom).

A full roof will only pay for itself if I sell 5 years or more, and without a car I cant stay...so many unknowns.

Maybe it can be patched up roof wise and just the plastering......

A full roof needs a mini mortgage but we all have to face this sort of thing caring for a home

But...it's the "invasions" I find difficult. Particularly the mess inside. Yes I cant "Do nothing, as the damage has gone too far.

I hope other BD's find just one thing in their day that feels good and gentle xx

Scaredycat Great news indeed about your friend's PET scan. She must be so glad of your continuing support and being with her at all those needed times.
Those bad dreams really do cast a dark cloud over the day dont they.
EllieAnne Im sorry about the meet up with your friends being such a let down. Id find that hard too so you're not alone. I think Doodle is right about Saturday's visit.
HVDY What an awful mess your son has had to put up with for so long.
My mum seemed quite confident on the surface though she surprised me by saying how she often felt quite nervous inside. Its not stupid being a bit jittery at even family gatherings, I can be the same. I sort of replay things afterwards and wonder if Ive said or responded to things in the right way.
My son goes back to work on Monday for a few weeks.
EllieAnne Sorry, just seen your later post. I feel so sad for you in your circumstances . Completely understand you not wanting to go today . Sending a hug. X
Wyllow Its strange that we only ever seem to have bad dreams. They are so frightening and very real . I wonder at times how my mind could possibly conjure ip such terrible things. Do you feel pain in yours too- I mean actual physical pain? I sometimes dream Im being crushed and cant breathe its terrifying. Hope you have a good day today and youve slept OK.

Wyllow3 If you feel close enough to your friend to talk about your past MH problems, I'm sure you won't be judged or thought of any differently. You've shared personal and private information about yourself, and that's not a bad thing with people you trust. A new roof is costly and will involve scaffolding, etc. It might be wise to get it sorted before winter arrives. Would it be possible to pay in instalments? Are you doing much this weekend?

SweetpeaSue Yes, his kitchen has been so bad for ages. He works from that dining table, 4 days a week (DIL has been going to her workplace). The flooring (laminate) needs to be laid, wall tiles put on, and walls painted. At least it's functional now. I do the same overthinking - why did I say that, why didn't I do this, what if I've said the wrong thing, etc. Hope you have a good weekend and see your son before he goes back.

Been up since 8, have faffed about doing little things. Need to get showered and dressed - meeting Son1 and girls for lunch. Hope everyone manages to have a decent day x

Sorry Wyllow didnt seem your posts before I came in. Such a thoughtful post too. Hope to be back later.
HVDY Yes I will be seeing sons and families later. Told last night we'd be picked up this afternoon and theyre getting us a taxi back home so we can have a couple of drinks.
Just in Costa at supermarket right now. Asked for toasted t- cake - none- seeded toast? None. So just eaten choc muffin and DH a sausage roll! Something tells me itsgoing to be a naughty day! 🤫

Briefly…. Thank you for the reassurance with friend, HVDY. It was an experience that I would like to use when MH is discussed… ie, I really have seen and know a lot about different conditions, but then some people make assumptions….
Have a good day with family.

No. Sweetpeasue I don’t get those physical symptoms. They are really scary, and I deeply sympathise.

Roof: Money is not the problem: my income will support borrowing. And no, not until the new year: any decent roofer is booked up. But I need him to come round to discuss anything temporary, as the plaster is so bad. And get a feel of how comfy I feel with him around the place. So far, feel good about him.
But the plaster … I feel better with women in the house, so maybe I can find one.

PS Sweetpeasue that is very off Costa not having their nice toast option, good value and what I go for! Still, maybe it will just be a naughty day……

Hi all
HVDY- oh your poor eyes hope they were more comfortable when you had your lovely tea. It must be so difficult for you to be so open to infection as you are. But always you have no self pity just deal with whatever is thrown at you.
Your Son And his wife must be very patient to have put up with that kitchen problem for so long. Hope it’s finished soon.
I have been anxious for a long time and especially when cooking for other people - even family. In my younger days I was a company wife and did lots of entertaining and was fairly confident. But life has a way of cutting you down to size doesn’t it and now catering reduces me to a daft jelly. So now I have eliminated all the cooking stress and let M & S take the strain. I have no shame using their brilliant food - no shaky legs in the kitchen now😀
Like you I love having family round and learning to chill at this great age😀
Doodle- yes wouldn’t it be lovely for once to have a really happy enjoyable dream and not as the ones you describe which are the norm.
My DH had a call from the Dr yesterday to say he wants him tp wear a holter monitor for a couple of days to see how low his heart rate goes.
Your lunch out sounded perfect. I don’t know why but the older I get the more I enjoy Ice Cream. What’s that all about.
Hope you have a pleasant time at Church tomorrow.
SweetPeaSue- we have someone to fix the car who is really good- it is a big scratch with a dent too. We were so glad it was my car and not my Step Daughters car which is brand new and we could have used that .
What a lovely idea to celebrate your Birthday- what thoughtful Sons you have . So glad you,ve decided to go - they,ll be so happy to do something nice for you. Take advantage of the Taxi and have a few drinks- Cheers.
Good start to a naughty day at Costas- just enjoy yourselves.
Yes it was such good news for my friend . Har kidneys have been quite badly affected so hope when she sees the Renal consultant in a week or sos time he will be able to help her.
EllieAnne- Anyone would have been bored with that discussion. As you say why couldn’t you just have a normal chatty afternoon. Don’t give it a thought . You need some lightness and humour in your life and they don’t sound a barrel of laughs. Hope you went to see P anyway and asked her how she really felt. Being Christian doesn’t mean you have to be miserable.
Re the Kitchen- contact the Insurance Company they will help you.
You have done your very best to help and see after your husband - who I think could probably do more to help himself.
Feeling as you do about him you couldn’t have done more.
Wyllow- It took courage to open up like that with your new friend. I,m sure it felt good to have been able to share some of your history together. Yes a risk but one you needed to take. A good friend should always be ready to listen.
I feel as you do over the invasive feeling when there are workmen in the house . It feels wrong to sit down when they are working too. I agree it would be nice to find a lady worker- there must be loads of them and they wouldn’t make so much mess😀
It feels warm again here today and due to be hot tomorrow -
I hope not it’s been so nice to feel a cool breeze at times. Our grass is still yellow and crispy😩

Love to all - mentioned or in our thoughtsx

Scaredycat I have been to church today to help with the cleaning. We have a new vicar starting this week and we want everything to be ship shape. All hands on deck. I’ve been brass cleaning. Then went to lunch with friend. Came home and we walked by the river and sat and had a drink in the pub overlooking the river, Entertained by a man doing headstands on a paddle board, and two swans with their nine cygnets,
Wyllow it’s always good to be able to get in with workmen especially if there’re doing a long job and are around a lot. Hope you continue to feel ok about this chap,
Nice you felt able to share with your new friend. Hope you can continue to meet up and maybe support each other.
Sweetpeasue hope you have a lovely time. So nice for it all to be sorted for you. Hope you both feel ok and enjoy the evening.
HVDY sounds like your son has a bit to do in the kitchen. So many people work from home now, Our son worked from the dining table too. He’s now bought one of those rise and fall desks which is much better,
Ellie Anne you can’t make yourself feel what isn’t there but you have taken care of your Dh and done a lot for him. Don’t feel guilty.

So I did go to see P and it was ok. She was expecting me and we didn’t really talk about yesterday. Except that she was disappointed with the food and thought it was expensive. We won’t go back there.
I’m sorry I m not asking after everyone just now but I am reading and thinking about everyone.
Watching casualty which I used to really like but it’s not like it used to be in the Charlie and Duffy days.

It sounds like a wise precaution Scaredycat for DH to wear the heart monitor. But I will be thinking of you both until they find - or not find - a concern. As my first Ex said, “growing old isn’t for the faint hearted”. Huh, just as well, as you say, it wasn’t the brand new one.

Oh… the grass is all green here now. And the trees green too with little leaf loss. Some things good about t’north. The further north you go - I have an online friend in Aberdeen and their rivers and reservoirs are OK but OTOH…

Good points for EllieAnne - it is simply rude to go on and on about something like that faith or not.

I missed the plans for your birthday, Sweetpeasue…aw…I hope it’s a good day for all.

It was a risk well taking, Scardeycat, and Doodle

I realised today. Brought us closer.

But - good to be able to come in here first thing and share a worry, as the night as we have all agreed can affect the day.

Yup, home invasions never welcome. I really will look for a woman plasterer - I feel more at ease. I already have a woman gardener and a woman decorator and of course N my cleaning friend.

Oh yes, it’s your new vicar, Doodle Well done there on the brass. I hope it’s a happy Sunday with her. Nine cygnets - (and the headstands) yes, fun to watch.

I hope you had a good day, HVDY.

Waves to absent BD’s xx

I just missed you there posting EllieAnne. Top lady for going and seeing P.

I always sort of know you are reading everybody and have us in mind. No rules here 'must this or that?' x

SweetpeaSue Hope you had a lovely time with your sons, and that you enjoyed having a drink. It's good to have a "naughty" day every so often.

ScaredyCat Thank you. The ointment is making my eyelid feel less sore, but they are still red and swollen. Food from M&S for large gatherings sounds such a great idea. Hope your husband gets on ok with the monitor. Is his heart rate usually slow? It was pleasantly warm yesterday, but the grass is lovely and green again. DH emptied the pool out the night before (it took all night for it to drain into the main drain in the road), and the grass underneath is just a patch of mud, so it will need grass seed, I think.

Doodle Well done on the brass polishing. Is the new vicar nice? Aww, swans and cygnets are beautiful, aren't they? Having a drink and overlooking the river must be so relaxing.
Yes, lots to do in Son2's kitchen. We offered to let him work from here, but he didn't want to.

Wyllow3 Hope you find a female plasterer. I don't like having tradespeople in the house, but I understand your point about a woman doing the jobs.

Nice time with Son1 and girls - one has started Year 11, so her last year at that school. GD2 started senior school (a different one to her sister's, but where the mother works). We took the dog for a walk in a park local to them. She was off-lead and ran about a lot (nobody around, but she has excellent recall). Going to see my brother later. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

EllieAnne You don't need to come in all the time if you don't want to. Not seen Casualty for many years. My husband was watching Randall and Hopkirk the other day. Another old but good programme.

Being rather political, if I go to the past it's "Yes Minister". a complete hoot for me, and so much truth in it. Love Red Dwarf as well..then there is the Black Adder series.

That was a nice time with family yesterday HVDY. I'm glad for your brother you are visiting today. One of my DGC is in top primary as well this year. They are to date all settling well.

Its raining today, I don't mind, I want a calm day: I will go to Quakers by Zoom, I honestly have not got the energy to go in person and face D, but am meeting L tomorrow to chat it over, tho tbh as far as I am concerned I absolutely know my mind about not pressuring myself. Will be nervous about that.

I do want to venture to the gym this afternoon however, Sunday afternoon is easy going with "Regulars" to have a laugh with and I need to keep my muscles working right. Well, if I don't decide to have a catch up afternoon in bed with music. Chronic fatigue catching up on me and adjusting to new Friend in my life.

Is Blephasol helping your eyes btw? There is also an eye cream in that range with non damaging moisturising. (Blephaderm).

I first found this post just now that looked strangely creepy with the title Black Dog and the post count 666! Obviously it's nothing of the sort. I do apologise.

Scaredycat Thanks, we did get a taxi back ( after a good few drinks) and we had a wonderful time.
Must have been well scary ,catering for people In your earlier company wife role. Id have been a wreck too. I expect there was some pretty frightening moments there. You have been amazing to do all that.
Aw I do hope your friend's kidney function will recover well- shes been through a lot.
Wyllow Hope youve had a relaxing day and been able to have chats and nice time at your gym. Oh I dont envy you the workers in your home. I hate having trades people in too. You're right - you dont feel comfortable sitting down when theyre working. Ive been putting off having an ancient gas fire taken out and blocked off for long enough- then theres the misted windows. Sounds like you cant put your work off any longer. Getting a woman worker would be much better.
HVDY Hope your eyes are less swollen today. Glad the ointment has shown improvement but still sound so awful. You never complain here and you must put up with so much.
Oh we did enjoy the time at son's house so much yesterday. Never laughed so much for ages. Hed invited his friend( best man at his wedding ) and his wife. They gave me flowers and everyone sat around with lovely food in the garden till late, chatting ,laughing drinking. Both my sons and their friend are hilarious. So great to see DGC too. My DGS started in secondary school last week too and he loves it.
Doodle Hope youve had a nice day at church seeing friends. They have been a great help in these last couple of yrs and you need those times with them. Sorry, cant remember when your holiday is but I think it might be coming up soon. That was a lovely welcome ,to your new vicar, doing a that sprucing up for the church and his new placement. Was it this morning he was introduced to the congregation. He must have felt a bit nervous too.
Aw the Swan and cygnets. We've a small village pond and have seen some on the front lawns near to where my son lives.
EllieAnne You dont need to worry about posting to us all. We all understand you're having such a stressful time at home and we know you're with us , reading , even when you cant come in. Glad it was OK when you went to see P. Ive not watched Casualty since the days of Charlie and Duffy - tried for a while but it wasnt the same.

Well after the garden buffet and sons friend left, son had a disco machine thing with lights and we had a daft hr dancing. Men went into other room and just me and my 2 DILs having a bop. We left just after 10 and before son 1 travelled back had a meal out today together. I dont think I realised how muchI was loved- feel quite emotional and very blessed.

Back to routine now and looking to trying to get some way forward for DH on Tuesday when GP should be on.

Hope everyone has had a reasonable day. Much love to everyone and thinking of you too Nadateturbe.

Wyllow3 Blackadder is one of my favourites. So well-written and funny. Red Dwarf, too. My all-time favourite is The League of Gentlemen, followed by Inside No. 9. Black comedy. Did you get to the gym? Nice to have regular people to chat with. No, the Blephasol hasn't made any difference. I've been applying BetterBlinks ointment (it has a lot of reviews on Amazon), which has moisturised my eyelids but not healed them. May need to see a GP soon.

SweetpeaSue I'm so pleased to hear that you had such a happy time with your family. They all love you and care so much.

Visited my brother, and we chatted nonstop for 3 hours about all kinds of things. Even though he's only 8 miles away, I'm glad to get home again (I dislike driving). x

HVDY Im really sorry your eyes are still very bad. Do go to the Drs to see if they can help - you might need antibiotics I dont know. You must be sick of it, its damn miserable.
Your DB would be pleased to see you- he must get pretty lonely. Is there still a chance of him giving the Men's shed another try? Sounds as if hes so glad to talk to you and hes talking much more now. Its getting dark earlier and I hate driving in the dark. It must have been uncomfortable for you with your poorly eyes- Im sure your DB appreciated it.

Ellie Anne so pleased you saw your friend and it was ok. I’m watching a bit of casualty too. I haven’t watched it for years but watched an episode last night.
Scaredycat has your Dh got a heart monitor in a bag or one of those like a flying saucer stuck to his chest? Good idea to find out what his heart is doing.
Wyllow for me, night thoughts can have a very big impact on how my day is. I often have a dream I can’t shake off and it beings me down a lot. Hope you enjoyed zoom Quakers, I like Blackadder too.
HVDY your poor eyes sound so sore, hope they improve soon. Hope your DGDs get on well in school. Start of a new
term can be difficult for many.
Sweetpeasue sounds like you had a lovely day with family and friends. So pleased for you and glad you had such a good time and some laughs. You needed that.

Its so lovely to read you words, “a wonderful time”, Sweetpeasue. A family memory to be treasured. And dancing drunk with the “girls”☺️.

No, I could never have faced the “wife cooking meal for work colleagues” role.

I dont blame you for putting off those tasks. I won’t list the others…nooooooo. Let’s pretend they are not there. Always more compelling things to do.

Mondays are either eagerly awaited or bring “I must get this or that medical matter” on the way.

Oh, HVDY. GP’s can - relatively recent - send you to a local advanced optometrist. They have more specialist knowledge than a GP and no hospital wait. Now that is local to me, I don’t know if it is nationwide.
I’m glad you could give 3 hours to your brother. Must make the world of difference.

Yes Doodle I can imagine your dreams. Not easy at all to lift yourself out. After waking up, I come in here or go to another chat line I belong to. People contact asap. Not your new vicar today?

I did enjoy my workout and chatted for a long time to one of the cleaners there whom I have taught some yoga too. Oh dear, she wants to meet up outside of the gym.

A dilemma, I really like her, but my social life from being far to few has shot into “oops, don’t take on too much.

Being happier cos of new friend….. carries the danger of getting over high and sociable and over commit. When I have a degree of c fatigue I cant carry it through, let people down. I have to self observe all the time, which is tiring, to avoid the too high bit of mood swings.

4 ore natters as in bumping into people who I had to talk to it so would be rude not to…and a charity shop on the way home, 2 jumpers.

We wont mention the state of the washing up.

I do want to get some pix into that art show and keep changing my mind. And the Quaker from the Ukraine on tonight’s Zoom needs support…..aaagh…

Currrent TV watching - loving the weird world of Professor T on ITV.

Night night BD’s.

Ive been worrying Ive come across too happy about my weekend.
The truth is, its meant so much to me ,precisely because my past early life with family has had so many difficulties with children from first broken marriage. Its not been all my fault but Im a mum so I feel like Im solely responsible for everyone's lives and the way they turn out. Ive really done my utmost best but theres so much I cant say here.
I just hope I didn't come across as ' everything is perfect' and too much ' happy families '. Its been a long haul to feel like I felt this weekend. Difficult sleeping right now as so much of the past is trying to sabotage the good things.
Yes Doodle I really did need some good stuff right now.

Only just seen your latest post Wyllow Reply tomorrow as Ive had to take extra meds.

Don't fret about that, Sweetpeasue. Remember it's OK to use them to shelter under that umbrella at times? and I know you are very responsible x