Changing locks.

Is he hoping to go to uni? I thought you had mentioned this previously. You really need to hang on in there if you possibly can until he goes in September. Can you try and discuss it with him in a while when you are both calm? Try and make 'I' statements rather than accusatory 'you' statements. eg I feel sad when we fall out or don't get on. Or I feel upset when the door gets damaged. Good luck! Things will get better!

ruby sorry, I didn't realise when I replied to you on the other thread that it had got this bad. Do you think he might apologise for his behaviour? Are things bad all the time now? I hate to think about you feeling unsafe in your own home.

I don't know the answer, but I would ring and ask to speak to a housing officer for advice. You might need to apply for some kind of exclusion order or something. Perhaps CAB could tell you where you stand as he's still at school. I think changing locks can be quite expensive, but maybe they will do this for you if they know there's a history of abuse and you're now concerned for your safety. My heart goes out to you.

But is it not reasonable for me to have given him the time to finish college, by 22nd July he will have finished, just awaiting results and he has already done his applications to uni. It is terrible to share space with someone who doesn't speak to you, just uses you and is then abusive. I do have tiny bits of rationalisation when I can have a conversation with him but about him, not me. He refuses to go out with me, refuses now to even go to hospital appointments with me so I now do everything alone. I want to move on with my life. Ah well. Thank you.

ruby sending you ((hugs)) and ?
You're absolutely right to tell him to leave, I'm sure the housing association would be able to advise you especially as your son is so abusive.
I wouldn't wait for another 5 months to throw him out, tell him he's to leave sooner and that you'll call the police the next time he kicks off.
Take care x

How would he afford to live out? He would need to get a job. Once exams are over, usually by end of June, he may be able to get a summer job. He would then be out of the house a lot. It must be very hard trying to deal with an aggressive adolescent by yourself. Do you have a male relative he respects who could talk to him??

A terrible situation for you and your son Ruby.

As discussed previously he obviously has abandonment issues with his father leaving; also he must be very scared about your serious health issues.

He doesn't really wish you would die - he's terrified at the thought and that's why he lashes out. He has a lot on his plate.

I was struck by your saying how he won't get a job, go out with you or to hospital appointments - he's 18 years old and your son not your partner or the man of the house. I don't think you should expect to rely on him. You're estranged from your daughter so that must put added pressure on him - he's still a schoolboy.

Obviously you shouldn't have to put up with violent behaviour but I think giving deadlines as to when he must move out will make him even more insecure.

I know he's previously had counselling but I think there's a need for serious psychotherapy here - someone with more knowledge than I will have to advise you on how to source that.

You would be surprised at the help available to young people who no longer live at home for various reasons. I know case where a girl left home for no really good reason. She was given a flat and it was basically furnished and she had money for food etc. How she managed to get to this stage I am unsure but I know a local church was involved. She had to redo a school year but eventually went to Uni and has now finished - she has re-established contact with her mother but it somewhat sparse I believe.

Has he spoken to you today ruby?

I'm another one who thinks 5 months wait is too long, but now you have said that I guess you have to stick to it unless something changes.

Can you encourage your son to make enquiries about possible accommodation and sources of money, job or benefit?

Taking responsibility for himself might help him more than counselling or therapy, imo.

Sorry I have 3 sons and when they were younger they didn't want to go places with me all that much. He actually sounds a bit immature to me and that might be why he doesn't want to go anywhere with you. If you are living in social housing then you must ask the owner of your property, but if there is a history of violence and abuse they should already be aware of the problem and should be working with you to resolve it. Changing the locks may be something they will come to but only when a due process of warning and arbitration has been gone through. So if that is what you want to do you should get in touch with them immediately some housing associations have support programmes for vulnerable young people and he may well fall into this category.

Rubylady, I dont know where your son intends to go to University, but if he kicks off like that when he is there he will be dealt with, given help ( Unis are excellent places for dealing with teenage depression and/or mental health issues), but ultimately if he shouts, is violent and smashes the place up he will be asked to leave. They will not put up with it and neither will his flatmates. He has a lot of growing up to do and I don't think it is fair on yourself to take the blame for his behaviour. he is not the first lad whose Father has walked out and won't be the last. Having said all that, he sounds like a little boy lashing out, what do his friends think? Do they look ashamed of him when he shouts at you? I really don't know what the answer is, and I am sorry, but violence is unacceptable. Nobody should feel unsafe in their own home, maybe tell him that if he does it again you will call the police; maybe he needs a talking to by an independent adult. I do hope it works out for you, but I wouldnt go changing the locks, he is still dependant financially ( and emotionally).

Sorry, I'm just licking my wounds for a day or two, I had a letter back from the hospital, the colposcopy result showed up some pre cancerous cells. I can understand it can be dealt with but I feel like a steam roller has gone over me at present with everything that is going on, so taking some time to absorb. Take care all, and thanks.

Sending you hugs for all problems ruby and hoping your health scare is soon resolved.
When our child went to uni it was very expensive for us, she got a loan but we also had to help financially with accommodation deposits.
I fear for you as you haven't mentioned this side of things.

Sorry, I don't come on often enough to read all the threads so don't know the history. I will stick to the locks.

We just changed the lock when DS bought a flat and I think it cost about £8 in B & Q. If you were to go to your local DIY store and have a look you might find you could do it without anyone else's help. I think it is very simple and you don't need the whole lock, just the middle bit.

We always change the lock when we move and have simply kept this old one for when another DS moves!

Changing a lock is very simple as Nonnie has said, but I think you might need to change more than that. Putting up with bad behavior is one thing, but violence and smashing the place up is quite different. I don't know whereabouts you live, but I would try the CAB for advice on how to get this nasty person removed from your life, for good. Quite a few children are thrown out by their parents for one reason and another, many leave of their own accord, and there is help available for both of you. The last thing you need at the moment is this, together with your health scare and the sooner you are rid of him, the better. There comes a point when enough is too much.

Miep. I don't think it is helpful to Ruby at all to call her son 'this nasty person'..

I don't know whereabouts you live, but I would try the CAB for advice on how to get this nasty person removed from your life, for good. Quite a few children are thrown out by their parents for one reason and another, many leave of their own accord, and there is help available for both of you

This is a dreadful suggestion, we are talking about a mother and her son here, however regrettable his behaviour has been (and it sounds as if he still has a lot of growing up to do,)that is a shortcut to heartbreak for the rest of your life.
Once he has spread his wings and lived away from home for a bit he will realise how lucky he has been. At the moment, rubylady you are understandably worried, frightened and possibly on a short fuse. We do not know what other stresses your son might be under, but I would recommend a serious cooling off period to let the dust settle. A bit of distance can often help us to see more clearly. But don't commit to anything you will later regret.

Hi, thanks for you messages. I think you hit the nail on the head Alea in that I am on a short fuse right now.

I asked him earlier to see if he wanted to come and watch some tele together Darts for Sport Refief, which we watched together last year. He said he wasn't interested. It's that which gets me, having someone there but not having any company, it's a killer. Night after night I sit on my own, him in his room refusing to give me any time when he knows that I crave it. And yet at the same time I feel unable to go out and socialise, health wise and probably depression too. His attitude makes me feel constantly sad. When he leaves I feel this will lift and I can then make my own way in the world, just like my children have. I met my ex husband nearly 34 years ago so it's a long time to have given to others. I have itchy feet, to move on, to get started with my own existence and not just be a wife/daughter/mother. I want to be me, in my own right. Maybe because I was a stay at home mum and had jobs instead of a career, maybe that hasn't helped my needing to break free feeling. So it's as much me as it is probably him wanting to start a new life at university and also, he will be leaving behind the girl he is in love with, which I do think is a major part of his upset and frustration, but unfortunately I can't do anything about it, apart from tell him that they will still be able to communicate. He says it's not the same, and he is right. Maybe that was part of the phone breaking, as he couldn't then just get in touch with her wherever he was. And the screen cracked when his screen saver is a picture with her on it. He was probably upset about that too.

I've had patience all my life, I've had to have, what's a few more months? I will continue to buy for my own "bottom drawer" to change things round a bit in the house when he leaves and plan for that meanwhile. And plan for a lovely summer in the garden. I do wish he gave me more company though as he might regret it when he is away and I am not just downstairs to chat to.

I think maybe your expectations of this lad are a little high Ruby. How many mums of teenagers expect them to be the greatest of company? They do spend most of the time in their rooms , emerging to raid the fridge, and I clearly remember my teenagers going out when I was just about going to bed! I realise you turn to him for company, but don't be hurt when you don't get it from him, it's perfectly normal for kids this age to live a separate life with their friends providing their most important relationships. Try not to be too confrontational in your communications with him, try to put yourself in his shoes a little? Most of us survive the teenage years and get to a great adult relationship with our children, maybe try to aim for that. Going to uni will be great for both of you, it should help him grow up, but it won't happen overnight.

I agree that teenage lads or those in their early twenties are not likely to want to sit and watch T V with you. I would try not to ask him but just accept the situation. My son at uni enjoys playing Scrabble with me. It takes an hour and we often play last thing at night( well last thing for me, not him!!) We rarely watch TV together. Even the news he reads on his computer while I sit and watch it at 6 or 10 o'clock in the time honoured way!!
Be patient! I'm sure things will improve.

Ruby this, or similar situations, have arisen in your household before. I seem to remember your son hit you once, didn't he? There was lots of advice given each time but then things settled down and life went on.

I just hope that you 1) manage to keep some sort of relationship going with your son until he leaves home and 2) that he manages to fulfil your hopes by actual securing a place at Uni.

I can see how you feel 'in limbo' having someone living with you who isn't a companion.

As others said, it's not reasonable to expect a teenage boy to be your friend. It is reasonable, tho, to expect him not to threaten you or to damage property.

Rubylady having just found this thread I realise it is not about your son it is about you really. Your son is just a kid in many ways and does not need you to be leaning/depending on him and this is probably why he is reacting against you. I am troubled by your expecting him to go to hospital appointments and suchlike things with you and am surprised that you would worry him with such things. As for sitting watching television you have to be joking, so not cool! No way would that happen with youngsters that I have ever known. The tighter you hang on to him the more he will fight to be free.
You say he has a girlfriend so clearly he does go out and is trying to make a life for himself which is really good.
You, on the other hand, do seem to be a really lonely lady and perhaps you need to tackle this first. As I mentioned on your phone thread you really need to see your doctor about the PMT and perhaps you need something like St John's Worth to lift you.
Do you work outside the home at the moment or belong to any clubs or a church or do any voluntary work? What hobbies do you have to keep you occupied? You clearly need to go places where you can make connections with other adults where you can both offer and find support. Sometimes in the giving of yourself and your time you actually find that you receive. Try to be interested in others rather than be demanding of anyone as the reaction is bound to be to run a mile from you.
You say that you are going to make a life for yourself and that sounds positive in many ways but you will always be a mum, sister etc. and wherever you go you take what and who you are with you. This is not a bad thing because we all learn so much from just living and can use it whatever we do. Keep talking to folks on here and do some research about things you could do.
As others have said those health issues, whilst concerning, are things which can be dealt with as you have been told by the health professionals. Try to keep smiling as it releases endorphins and people around you respond better to a smiley face, I hope it will all be positive for you.

When my son was in his mid teenage years he was always in his room mostly studying for exams but also just doing his own thing. Then came uni and eventually he moved out to house share.
At no time while he was at home was he interested in sitting watching tv with his mother.

I may be wrong, but I get the feeling that you are expecting your son to take the social place of a friend/partner, share your life.
This is the last thing that most teenagers/young men would dream of doing. Indeed pressuring this aspect could well be causing him great frustration and the feeling that he never going to be what you want him to be, thus pushing him further away.

Violence is never the answer and he is wrong in this, he sounds very confused to me, wanting to be his own person and not his mum's companion.

No way would I be showing him the door after his exams are over, there is so much more to be sorted before he has a place at uni.

Is he confident of a uni place, this could also be on his mind... and he could be worrying about what will happen to him if he doesn't get the necessary grades.

What were his 'mock' exams like, what grades did he get in those. Do his teachers have confidence in his expected results.

I do understand that you have a lonely life but it is not for your son to fill this space.