Feeling like your home isn't yours due to other relatives

Make sure that the word "NO" is the first word that you say, when people make unreasonable requests. Don't start with explanations about why it isn't reasonable, just say "no, that isn't something that we could do" or whatever suits you, but make sure that the word "no" is that the beginning of every sentence. That way they don't have the chance to get the wrong idea.

I find "no that doesn't work for me" is effective. At all costs avoid giving any reason if they ask why not (which cheeky bu**ers often do), as then they will try to persuade you otherwise, just repeat the same sentence again. If they still persist in asking just say my answer has not/will not change.

Not saying anything to criticise the ex-wife or the children, in their company, may be just peacekeeping rather than guilt.

You asked for advice - I think you need to explain to your DH how you feel about his family's attitude and, especially, about him allowing them to make use of your joint home, and ask him not to agree to things like that without checking with you first.

It's possible that there's no real intention to have classes in your home.

What would annoy me, and may be what is annoying your DH, is that the remarks sound disrespectful and grabby, even if meant flippantly.

Apart from the valid reasons already given by other members, a class held in your home smacks of being done on the cheap and unprofessional. I wouldn’t want to attend classes in someone’s home.

It's your home therefore it's the one place in the world that you should be able to demand privacy.

Quite apart from which she'll be using it as a business premises which could generate all manner of complications with insurance if one of her clients has an accident.

We live in a litigating world after all......

His divorce was certainly nothing to do with me !!!!!!!! You are right about hidden family politics though - certainly hidden from me ! It is also something he will not readily discuss, other than to moan that his wife took all his money in the divorce, which is true, also depriving his children of what should have been theirs.

I am merely guessing that he feels guilty about his divorce due to the fact that he has told me he will never say anything to criticise his children or his ex wife in their company.

Zorro There is an unasked question in this thread that may shed more kight on your problem. You say DH is uncomfortable about his divorce. Were you the cause of this divorce. If not how long have you been married and how did your DH's children feel about you marrying him?

I have a feeling there are more complicated family politics behind this suggestion than your husband feeling guilty about his divorce.

There are some REALLY helpful comments here.
I have had a chat with my husband because of the awful time I had. No-one said "Hello" even !

I just think that that in itself is so rude. But they didn't say "Hello" to anyone, so I suppose I shouldn't take it personally.

My husband expects me to deal with this and say nothing, but I can't - not the comment about using our home for Yoga anyway. The five year old grandaughter was great because she just said "Where's Grandad?" so I could say I wanted him to come but he was watching Snooker on television.

Rent coming in (even though they may want it rent free) and tax implications.
Health & Safety
Toilet facilities
House and contents insurance
Privacy issues
Security issues
Noise
Parking

"Grandad and I don't want to be dealing with matters like this at our age" and no.... don't accept that they would deal with all such matters.

NO -the cheek

You say DH wasn't pleased when you mentioned the yoga idea. I would keep working with that. Remind him of all the negatives- house insurance, possible problems with the council, parking, people wandering about the house to use the loo and yoga needs a lovely warm room (just imagine the heating bill). Good luck.

Jinty44 is right. You need to have a talk with your husband about him being a walkover for his family, and how you feel about being disregarded.

Let's hope being "not best pleased" is the start of him realising he's being taken for a mug.
Best of luck, Zorro.

No, certainly not. They are taking advantage. Tell them NO

I totally agree with MOnica and harrigan. This sounds like a total recipe for disaster. Let them use their own property for their business activities and sort out the insurance and deal with the inevitable parking and neighbour issues. Right thinking people do not inflict this sort of imposition on elderly family members who have the right to a stress-free retirement.

Just say no, I understand but they must make it on their own. Live your life and enjoy your time together.

You will need insurance, change of use to a businesss premise which will effect council charges and your waste collection. Just be firm and say no, if your husband over rules you and says it is ok, just be firm and say it is not happening. Turn away anybody who turns up for lessons as well.

If someone asks you for something you can naturally say No with out giving a reason or justifying your No. If you say No I don't think that would work, you then give them the chance to try to persuade you it would work so don't give them that chance.

If people ask they should expect No as much as yes and we should all remember that when asking favours.

If she has her own large house why does she need to use yours? I think she's got a nerve. Ask if you can use a room at her house and see what her reaction is. What a cheek!

harrigran

Left a sentence out 'You bet we complained, on every occasion'

radicalnan your approach is all motherhood and apple pie and doesn't even consider the effect any of this man's actions have on those around him. The OP has made it clear the sleepover was so big it caused annoyance to the neighbours and was hard to control. That sort of event ends up with accidents and health and safety issues.

Using this home for running a business is fraught with difficulties. Have you not read any of the posts pointing out that household insurance could be invalidated, whether any claim was the result of the business or not. There could be HSE implications, part of the house could be liable to business tax.

Of course most of us are willing and able to help family members where we can, but there are limits and I, for one would not want to host anything that invalidated my insurance or had potential HSE problems, or would cause problems for my neighbours.

As for saying if the neighbours complain they are a miserable bunch. Have you experienced neighbours having a noisy party without warning the night before you have a difficult and important exam? Or neighbour's visitors blocking your drive when you have a sick person in the house who may need to be taken to hospital at short notice. Or a charity event at a neighbours house where the parking is so bad, six people have to move their cars to allow me to get to an urgent medical appointment.

You must live a charmed life.

NO is a complete sentence!

It's got to be No.

Tell her no or quote a large fee for use of the room and facilities (won't people need to change, use the loo?), a check on your step daughter's clients. After all these people will be able to go into your home and who knows what they could do . Just because they are taking a yoga class it doesn't mean they aren't light fingered. She's obviously found out that renting space for her classes is going cost her. You aren't a charity after all and if you must have total strangers in your home you should at least have some say and earn some cash whilst you're at it.