Moving closer to grandkids

my gut reaction is NO don't move stay where your life and friends are AD and GC move on and grow up and their need of you changes

I don't think there is one size fits all. We have two daughters, one is married and lives 5 minutes from us and now has a 2.7 year old DGD1 and a newborn DGD2. When DGD1 was born I offered to help with childcare and was working part time. My DD and son in law asked me to do one part day a week (6-7 hours) as my DD only works part time and said they were asking other gran to do one part day a week and putting their DD into nursery for 3 part days. They will be doing the same with the baby when my DD returns to work after maternity leave. They felt any more than this would be imposing too much into my and other grans spare time and wanted their DD to have some nursery exposure and although I am now retired we have left it as one day a week which I find ideal. It is still a treat to see the DGC and we don't feel put upon at all. We still see them at weekends and babysit for the odd evening.

A friend of mine who has 2 daughters living locally has ended up looking after both of their babies on 3 full days a week. She says it is too much really and ideally she would prefer 2 maximum but her daughters, quite selfishly I think, have asked her to stick with the 3 for financial reasons.

So whether you move or not depends I think on how you feel you can marry your wishes for balanced leisure time against childcare with your AC expectations. If you think they will be quite cheeky like my friends daughters and perhaps put emotional pressure on you to do more childcare than you are comfortable with then maybe let them know your wishes beforehand or stay where you are with friends etc. Can you not drive and look after your newborn grandchild at your sons house rather than bringing him back to yours? 45 minutes each way is a lot.

Personally we like being close to our AC. We can do each other favours and see a lot of each other without being in each others pockets. We respect their privacy and rights to enjoy their own social life so don't put too much expectation on them visiting often but they do anyway and vice versa.

Moving home is very stressful. You may not get good neighbors again. You have good friends where you are and you are only 45 mins away from AC and dgc. Could you ask AC to bring dgc to you every other time to cut back on your driving and also drive to new dgs and look after him in hi sown home so not having to drive him. They are in preschool at 4 now and as they get a bit older they can come to you for a weekend or in half term so their parents can work. What does your dh think?

Such big plusses and minuses, if you are nearby you will be able to help out but that doesn't mean you will see more of your AC but potentially lots more of your DGC. I find as the nearby gran for some of our DGC that the other grans who live away are far more entertained and visited for themselves. We do the babysitting and care which we don't mind but it is a thought. Also after the time the DGC go to school you will probably see less of everybody as AC at peak of their careers and DGC fully occupied. If you are happy where you are maybe make the most of that.

Apologies - misquoted

Go with your heart and be brave

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... and even if everyone moves away from where we’ve now decided to live, I wouldn’t regret the move.

We’ve moved back to the uk, from France, to be closer to friends and family. When we finally move into our new home, our son and family will be 2 hrs drive away, which is considerably better than the 12 - 14 hrs it used to take. All working out very well.
Being closer to existing, long standing friendships has also been a good thing.

I agree with absent. Be brave and go with your heart

Looking at the responses here, it seems the important factors in the decision are what sort of person you are and whether you feel you will like living in the new location regardless of family being there.

It has to be a decision you make, for your own life, not depending on others.

I had the choice when I downsized. I decided to stay close to my GD who still lived near me and don't regret that for a minute. Although she is now grown up, with a degree, a job, a partner and a dog(!) and now lives closer to the rest of the family, she is still very close to me, though not geographically. I didn't see as much as I'd have liked of my younger GC, three of whom are now teenagers, very busy at weekends with their own concerns and pastimes. If I did live near them, I doubt if I'd see much of them. All in all, I am sure I made the right decision, even though, as I get older, it would be good to be near to my DSs.

My answer is simple, no don’t move. Children grow up and have their own lives. Find other ways to see and help your children. Maybe stay over night but don’t move and leave friends and your life.

I moved nearly 12,000 miles to be near my daughter and her family – and also to live in a very lovely country. I don't regret it for a moment but, at 68, I do find some childcare, especially two days a week of full care for the three-year-old, who is unutterably adorable but who never stops moving, playing talking and wanting my attention throughout the day, a wee bit tiring. The two teenagers are – well – teenagers; they are affectionate when they see me but don't really miss me when they don't, which is most of the time. The nearly-ten and 11-year-old are at that magic age which lasts so briefly between being demanding children and aggressive adolescents, so right now I am enjoying those two hugely. The six-year-old alternates between being delightful and being unspeakable, sometimes within minutes. I am loved, valued and supported by my daughter and son-in-law.

Really where I am going with this is that only you know your needs, your family's needs and your desires and hopes. No amount of some idiot woman, such as me, rambling on about how great life is actually has any relevance to your situation. Go with your heart and be brave.

I have 7 grandchildren. One lives with us and the rest live in the same town. I am the only driver! Every morning, I drive the GD who lives with us to school and also give the lad next door a lift. I then pick up two GS's and take them to school just around the corner from me. I take them back in the afternoon. Evenings, I take them all to their various activities. Lucky if I ever get a day to myself, if it's not one thing, it's another! But then, we do keep in touch!

If you move you will also be nearer your family so they can look after you when needed, something else to take into consideration.

Now I am used for childcare but then dumped and left on my own for hours.
The other grandma gets invited round for meals and fun occasions and because they see me during the week, I am left out.

Yup.
I can see both sides
You end up doing all the "bad cop" grandparenting and none of the "goodcop" grandparenting.
And they may feel they need to make the effort to include the other grandparent since you are already, to their mind "included". but if its an arranged visit there will naturally be more fuss and fun than a babysitting situation..

I moved last year to be nearer to my daughter and her family. We were around 4 hours drive away and now we are approximately 20 minutes. We have no regrets whatsoever. We are doing more with our life now, we have made lots of new friends and begun activities we wouldn’t have dreamt of before. We see my daughter and her family each week, we care for the children when asked and we think we are extremely fortunate to have made the move. If you are willing to make an effort to meet new people, it can be extremely positive.

Thank you all very much indeed.
A lot of very wise words! It’s given me a lot to think about.
Thanks again, I really appreciate all the comments.
Best wishes to all ?

We did exactly this..... 15 years ago ... Retired... Sold up and moved 150 miles west to be nearer grandchildren and be part of their lives....
We are now 25 mins drive to their house..... Best thing we could have done ....
Made new friends..... Got involved with local Village Hall..... Ideal property.... And we're deeply involved in the kids lives...which was wonderful.... Don't regret a minute of it.... Except maybe the weather is better where we lived before.

But all things change.... And kids now live close to where they went to uni.... Ironically one of them close to our old home .... But we visit and it's great... They have grown older and so have we ...
If you don't expect life to remain static you'll probably enjoy most of the change.... But if you think you'll miss your old life more than enjoy your new life... Stay put.

We won't move again but feel we did what was good for us all.... Shared the grandchildrens childhood... Wonderful.... Wouldn't have missed it for the world..... Sort of a second chance ....

Difficulty is what happens if your family moves ? This happened to a friend of mine ....sold her house and moved to a small flat in Chelmsford .............soon after, SiL accepted a better well paid job in Norwich .....friend could not afford to move again, and found herself very lonely and wishing she had not downsized so much that she couldn't follow them again could not drive any more, and found travelling difficult ....so sad ! Of course no one can predict what happens in the future, but a lot of people we know have moved,, even returning to the UK from abroad when they have Grandchildren ...works out well in most cases but research carefully !

Tokyo3
What is right for you is not right for someone else. I am pleased that you made a good move. But put the caveat on your enthusiasm to move and help others think through that it might not be right for them.

I solved not being near my only grandchild by moving 300 miles away from friends and beloved London 5 months ago and it’s the best thing I’ve EVER done!! I feel like the part of me that was missing has now been replaced! I recommend it whole heartedly and I live alone so nobody to help me move or bother with! Do it!!!

We moved to be nearer the DGC which meant I left behind a very good friend. Now I am used for childcare but then dumped and left on my own for hours.
The other grandma gets invited round for meals and fun occasions and because they see me during the week, I am left out.
I have tried making friends but they are often busy at weekends with their families. My DH is always at work.
Don't give up your own life for the sake of your children.

I moved to be nearer DD after I was widowed, I actually moved without buying anywhere so was "homeless" (DGS1 thought this was highly amusing). I rented a Holiday flat (out of season) until I found my new home. Lovely small Town with plenty of shops, lots of clubs & activities. I'm 10 miles from DD instead of 70 miles away but I don't do any childcare as DD developed her own network of friends to help out as we were at 1 1/2 hours away.

I do see DD & DGSs but we arrange for me to go there (especially if I've been in her Town meeting friends & sometimes she comes over to me. It's nice to be close, I'm on hand if she needs me but one of the reasons I moved is so that as I get older it will be easier for DD to meet my needs. She has been brilliant when I've had 2 spells in Hospital since moving here 3 years ago, something she couldn't have done easily before.

As others have said consider this very carefully, it's quite daunting moving, all the stress of buying & selling, the actual move & then having to find your way around a new area. Also are you both good at making new friends? I love where I live & love my life but I knew the decision was right for me not just DD & GC

8 years ago my D moved to a different town 15 miles away. Previously they had lived within 5 minutes of me and I was on constant call for childminding, visits etc.
I made a conscious decision to not move closer to them, and regained a greater control and freedom in my life, one where I was not on call 24/7.
Now we are closer than ever, I see all 4 grandchildren at least once a week and often babysit with sleepovers when asked.
As I don't drive I use public transport and it works well in giving us both a fixed time limit that we factor into any visits.
I also continue to have a good relationship and friendship with my neighbours and friends which is the best of both worlds.

Live where you want to live. Consider your age, health the shops, your hobbies and if there will be a time when you can't drive.
Do you want more garden, less garden. A patio on the sunny side or a second floor apartment..whatever it is it has to be about you, not your children, grandchildren or friends, they will come and go and let's face it your children could up and move for their work. Your friends might die before you and you as stuck somewhere that is not right for you later on in life.

If this is going to be the last move you make and you intend to see out your days in this next property, it has to be about your needs.

Good luck and happy moving.

No don’t move stay where you are.

If you feel that you may be put upon and you can say this would not be a problem then go for it.
You know the alternative, when in doubt don't.