after the stress

Bung I understand that but I try and see the sense of loss from a different angle. That we had so much time together when others do not. That I was the one left, the one who copes. So little steps it is for me, making the effort to smile at others, to start chatting to people. I try not to feel self -conscious if I go out by myself, only done meals in cafes and NT properties so far but I have booked some music evenings at a local festival and will be aiming for some films soon at a nearby theatre

U3A is going to happen soon, I met some lovely people there but won`t be joining anything yet, until my home is settled. Many of us want things to fall into our laps but that does not happen, we have to reach out. Yes I feel rudderless at times but I no longer think far ahead, no point. If I feel lacking in energy, I put 60s music on and I soon start bopping around the living room. I suppose day by day really, the way to survive, rather than full steam ahead to what?

Bung, I cannot imagine how much you must have gone through and although I have not lost my DH I have lost so I know that grief is a long hard road.
We are all different and its dangerous to compare your feelings at such a loss with anyone else. You will feel the loss and grief for a long time but as it passes you will begin to balance that out with the fond memories.
I still miss my Mum dreadfully and find myself unconsciously sharing little moments in the garden or out on a walk with her. She had a horrid marriage to my father and its as if I take her with me and show her the happy life I live and 'share' it with her. Hopefully as time passes, and it does take years for many, you will be able to call up the memories without such a sharp pain and gain comfort from all that past happiness.

Now living on my own since my husband died four years ago and still don't know what I am suppose to be doing with my life! Yes I am so blessed being able to still have a small social life, some interests, breaks away etc., family/grandchildren, but every time I return to my bungalow there is the "lost" feeling again and I still feel hurt and angry at how unfair that I have lost my wonderful husband who I have known since I was 17 and married for just short of our 50th. I am able to thank God for my many blessings/memories but without having someone to share moments of "doing nothing" with but just gazing and pottering about, life seems somehow empty. Am I expecting too much from life?

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OOer have just spent over £50 on herbs, we have a lovely little family run nursery down the road and whilst they have all the usual suspects they also have so many different bits....I lost count of the varieties of mint, thyme and sage. So have got those plus hyssop, oregano, garlic chives (love the white starry flowers) etc.......!!!!
Weve just had a sunny hour so have been on my hands and knees putting them in. Next task is to install the climbing roses we have been carefully nursing. We had put them in pots only last year as I had fancied an arch but the ground where I wanted it was so poor...rather serendipitous as it meant we could bring them with us.
No so my lovely lilac which had been in about 4 years and was a joy....hey ho!
Oh yes Crafty, we had a shared sewerage thingy that hummed gently (thankfully could only hear it in the garden). My worry was that if new people came in there was the potential for problems - it was on one person's land and 4 others were attached. It worked well enough but the potential for problems was always in the back of my mind. Then we had had a nightmare with a tenant in the small cottage next door. She had spun the landlord (our neighbour) a huge web of lies and it had all descended into what I called 'Eastender' territory...all very sordid. Police, bailiffs and yelling over the fence...ghastly. Not surprising I had a bit of a wobbly stage! You do not move to a beautiful house in the country to have all that happening on your doorstep. I think that's the trouble with the countryside, you think its all very rustic and beautiful but the uncertainties of non standard boundaries and shared yards means that if some people do not have good manners or worse it all becomes a bit up close and personal. I reluctantly admit that I am more suburban than I thought I was!

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Oh I love buying plants too, I bought another one for the house yesterday, for an east window, philodendron xanadu which is clumpy rather than climbing. Had to get it online because it is a more unusual one and will stand it on pebbles in a tray containing water. I spend quite a lot on a good plant but so be it, I can see that plant being a metre tall in years to come. I bought a small expensive rare philodendron the other day and it is thriving, it is black with some red leaves

The house had an extremely good test yesterday evening, rained like I have not seen for years. There is a storm drain on the communal turning area so I will be picking the blown bark out of the slats tomorrow. The drain coped fine but like every slatted drain, is there for a purpose. The howling fierce winds that woke me, the fact that I no longer have to worry about the PV panels in cages on the roof. I too fell out with my old house, the complicated eco gubbins and I realise that the tinnitus I thought I had, was not tinnitus but a buzz that was permanently in the house

Next stage for us could be `the steps in making a house a home` like the lovely little herb plants

craftyone - so lovely to read your brave post. You have come through so much and I am so glad things are settling down for you. I am not on my own but this move was very tough for me as there was so much riding on it.
I had come to really dislike our previous home although everyone I know thought it was a beautiful house. There were just things about it that unsettled me and I wanted to be nearer our children. We had had a scare with DH's health last year that thankfully proved to be a false alarm but straight away he realised we were too far from our children should I be on my own.
Anyway, having come through the move....the uncertainty of selling at the moment is so distressing I am finding that despite still coping with my anxiety I have moments in the day when I look out the window of this house or I'm in the garden looking back at the house and I have a glimmering trace of something near content. Am of to the local nursery tomorrow, probably in the rain but who cares, the garden has been 'landscaped' and I've a herb garden to fill....Yippee! Thankfully despite all that's happened I have retained one of my traits....being able to be content with small things.....buying a few herbs fills me with joy.

Thank you x

yes nanny it is

I never lived on my own in my whole entire life, until that day when hubbie died and yes it is bloody hard. Then I think of the fact that I can cope, that I have not got to look after a husband who might be poorly, that I can pick and choose everything now, no need to ask. I revived my intuition, we women have that, then I started to trust my judgment more and more. I see a fluffy white feather from time to time, when I take that bend in the road or have to make a decision. If I need to decide something, I sleep on it and always wake with the answer. I never lose anything, I ask hubbie and turn to the right place straight away, always. Best of all and the most comfort, is knowing that my husband went first, he would never have coped or wanted to be alive without me and I still say we, I did today to my visitors

Mosaicwarts...yes to coastline...lots of beach to walk with our dogs...maybe some woods nearby for variety...not too many people...bliss. I spend so much time on Rightmove...different county each day...need to drag myself out and actually go look at some houses tho...I don't know why but I feel like every time I try to move forward...I seem to end up falling apart for a while...2 steps forward and 1 step back type of thing. We were 38 years together...a couple...I was 17 when we met so discovering 'who' I am as an adult woman...what 'I' like...not 'we'

Its bloody hard

I know someone whose mother bought in an over 55 parkhome and she is very very happy. Jani

I sold my house 4 years ago, money has sat earning a few pennies, then looking for a house, I found an over 55 park home 4 weeks ago. Luckily I live with my elderly parents so can take my time. New carpets in tomorrow and a brand new kitchen next month. I have 2 storage units and no idea if I have a kettle? My DDs are so excited and already booked in Christmas x Let us hope their DH will help me move in ? Off to the monthly coffee morning to meet my new neighbours x

nanny and mosaics, keep looking forwards and not backwards, the past is gone. I did this when I actually removed many things that my husband had made, I had been keeping them just because and then I had the lightbulb moment, remembering when I got rid of all my crosstiched works. The joy had been in the making and it struck me that it had been the same for my husband. I kept a few small items for the house, just for a small shelf and a fridge door. That was so cathartic, unbelieveably so, like when I released my husband when I scattered rose petals and let his spirit go

So I moved forward instead of being stuck and right now am looking around at my light filled `me` home, all me and my influence and my heart sings because I know this house embraces me and my spirit is lifted and my stress is leaving as I embark on my new journey

The new journey is the reward that comes after the utter turmoil of selling, of taking charge of your destination. Getting there is difficult, like being born through the birth canal but there is an end and you have to believe in fate

Tillybelle. Thank you so much Elle for your reply.

I have already packed quite a few boxes, all labelled as to where they have to go. It’s a start!
We are having the removal people to pack the majority of our belongings, but some things I want to do myself.
The priority for now is to get all the paperwork off to the solicitors. Once that is done, I’m hoping things will go smoothly.

Yes, new doctors might hopefully be good for my husbands depression. At the moment he is having Analitical therapy, which he thinks is helping. Surprisingly enough though, since we have now entered the actual buying/selling process he has been a lot better. He feels more in control . I’m sure the move will help him. We will be close to family & new places to visit etc. A new lease of life for both of us.

I really sympathise with your depression too, & hope you have the help you need. Please take care of yourself Elle. x

nanny007, snap. My husband 'drove' our marriage and I'm completely lost now he's gone, and also have an offer I'm considering. It's a big country isn't it. My counsellor said to think of a happy place - for me that is home, Twickenham - but I can't afford to go there. I'm googling along the coastline to look at the beaches, hate shingle!

Hey Craftyone, just a big thanks from me for keeping me from drowning during this selling lark. I look forward to only having to tidy the tea towel drawer! xx

I'm a regular 'lurker' but I just wanted to say how much I admire all of you for your resilience and spirit. You give me hope. My husband died 19 months ago and I am struggling. Decided I needed/wanted to move. Put house on market and accepted an offer before the week was up! Now feeling very agitated as I haven't got a clue where I want to go. Just know I need to move forward...somehow. Reading all your posts reassures me that I can do this. Thank you x

Ahhh thanks helsbells, I completely agree with that and I will do it, make my home into my nest

Tillybelle, thank you so much for your kind words. The Children will be living with their grandma and step grandad though they are only in their middle fifties and have only just got married before Christmas. I have 4 nephews who have agreed to take it in turns to have the children at weekends. A charity has been set up for the children by a relative. I will allways be in touch with them and help were I can.

You need to hunker down and nest yourself into your new home/ new life. Life has thrown you a few bad years but see closing your old door and opening your new one a new start. I hope you will be happy in everything that is to come

oh trendygran, hugs

My mojo came back this afternoon, made some bread rolls and the sun appeared and I had this yearning to be outdoors, so got an hours work done in the garden. Only about 4 hours work left and the whole garden will be covered for the rest of the year and the slow worms will be in heaven. The patio base will be dug and I can sit back

I am enjoying my living room today, the stair carpet was put on the stairs yesterday, it has been in the living room since I moved in. I transplanted a rug and moved a large comfy sofa away from under a window, a little further into the room. Suddenly it is as though feng shui is having a powerful effect

I have treated myself to a new plant, a philodendron, perfect east facing and I have washed a zinc base to hold lots of clear small marbles, to create humidity for the plant.

Oh yes, I know what got my mojo back. 60s music on a cd and I ended up dancing around the room.

Rd ones? should read moving on!

Glad you are Rd ones and now coming through the stresses of losing loved ones and moving house. Have had the same to cope with since losing my DH very suddenly 10 and a half years ago. I had to sell the family home of 34 years and ,,by the time I had sorted out all the debts and remaining mortgage I was not left with enough to buy a property for myself. I did not know at the time about all the debts-a result of my DH being made redundant from a very well known bank ,after 27 years there. As a result I am only able to rent , so have no security for my future I also lost my younger daughter to suicide 16 months after losing my DH.
She left two daughters,then aged 4 and 2. They are now 14 and 11 and in a happy family with their Dad and a lovely Stepmum.,thank goodness. They live 300 miles from me so don’t get to see them very often at all.
The stress remains and I’m sure it had an effect on my health,leading to a major operation last hear.
Thankfully now much better and keeping as busy as I can. U3A is a real lifesaver! I had friends, but have made several more through U3A and can’t rate it highly enough.
Do hope you have settled in well by now and made some new contacts after all the stress.

What a good idea Nonnie