Getting cold feet

Aww, he’s probably a really nice man who has this vision of a house full of love and laughter and fun. I blame television sitcoms?

Probably when he’s had a couple of weeks with his family in his house he’ll see your point of view?

It’s wasn’t just you two getting on with each other’s children was it? You might have managed that. It would also have been your daughter and her family having to get on with his children.

DP and myself stayed with my sister for a few weeks between selling and buying. Three mature, reasonable adults. Guess who was piggy in the middle when it came to getting on each other’s nerves!? Guess who would have been referee in your set up!!!

Absolutely the right decision flaxseed?

ExD
I welcome all opinions so thanks for your contribution!

My DD didn’t ask to come back and stay, I offered. This was last year before we even found this ‘dream house’
My house is big enough, I didn’t want them losing their buyer as they have had a bit of a nightmare over the last year with a sale falling through.
They both need to be local for work/GS nursery. They don’t actually need to stay as long as we first thought as they now have access to some funds that will allow them to move on as soon as possible. They moved in this weekend and whilst it’s lovely having them here, they came with a fair few belongings. It confirmed that it would have been a logistical nightmare to move with more adults too!
His children are a couple of years younger than mine (all in 20’s) and have been more privileged. Privately educated, not had jobs until well after leaving uni.
DP has always encouraged them to travel and that was their plans - until the world descended into Covid chaos.
Therefore, they need a base until they can set off again. And who knows when that will be?
I can’t tell him he’s wrong. I can’t say his children can’t live with us until it’s time to go again.
But most of all, I can’t live with so many adults when myself and DP haven’t even lived together ourselves before.
We are supporting our children temporarily, but I am just not sure how temporary it will be. Things are still very strained between us, but short of making them all homeless we have no other option. No one earns enough to privately rent and we couldn’t make exceptions. It would have to be all of them go, or between us we support them all for the time being. It feels like an impossible situation where unfortunately our relationship is the thing suffering.
I just hope he can get his head round the fact I don’t want us to split up and that I want us to move in together when the children are settled.
Neither of our ex’s are particularly supportive of the children so we do both feel like have to compensate for that.

So here I go, putting my head above the parapet to be shot down. I know I'll get a lot of abuse for saying this, from a lot of people BUT
How old are these "children"?
Do they realise they are breaking your relationship with their childish dependence on Mummy and Daddy giving them homes? I hope you haven't ruined your DP's faith in you, and vise versa, because unless these children are really children, you don't owe them a home at the expense of your own happiness.
Tine they stood on their own two feet.

All the very best Flaxseed. You are obviously a very caring and thoughtful person who is being pulled in lots of different directions. I do hope it all works out for you as your needs are just as important as everyone else’s.

polarbear
Thank you.

lemongrove thanks for a different point of view.
My DD’s temporary stay was decided ages ago. Property in the SE is so expensive and I was willing to help out temporarily and wasn’t going to go back on my word. I think their stay will be more temporary than originally planned anyway.
It was also agreed that his son would move with us too.
Although stressful, I probably could have coped. What I hadn’t reckoned on was the sons gf, DP’s DD and her dog rocking up too, with no immediate plans to move on.
Just thinking about it again gives me palpitations.
I’ll be happy for us to live together, alone, in the future and should a child need temporary accommodation they will be welcome.
But to move en masse with that lot? No. Years ago I might have found it hard to say no and would have just put up and shut up at the expense of my own mental health. But I’m too old to suffer in silence now .
Even if DP decides he can’t get past this hurdle, I still won’t regret my decision.
I have checked Right Move and the house is already under offer again. I’m glad for the vendors

Good luck Flaxseed. I suspect this will focus a few people’s minds on how their expectations have impacted on your and your partners lives. I hope you have a positive outcome but, as no doubt you know, if it was going to work it will work and if it wasn’t, no amount of houses are going to solve it. I wish you all the best. Good luck with the new house. X

I know it’s been decided now Flaxseed but I would have gone ahead with the move to a house that you obviously love.
This may well concentrate the thoughts of both your adult children and his.Whilst you have separate houses you could be used ( even if you don’t mind) as a Mum or Dad hotel for their convenience.A joint house may put them off living with you.
They are too old to be living with you unless they have real problems of some kind.Good luck anyway, sounds as if you have a stressful life.?

We met up last night to talk things through. It wasn’t easy.
He, understandably feels very hurt.
We talked for hours and agreed we didn’t want to split up but the shock of me pulling out has triggered the feelings of rejection from when he ex wife left him.
I think I managed to convince him that I’m still committed to our relationship and we agreed that once the kids are all settled we could think about moving forward together once more.
I think he needs a bit of time to process this hurdle as he really wasn’t expecting it.
I’m not 100% convinced we’ll get over this. Only time will tell.
I still plan to sell my house which shocked him a bit, but he understands that it’s getting to a stage where it needs so much doing to it that I can’t afford to do. Plus, at 57 I am fed up of so much of my wages going on a big mortgage.
I told him I am happy to sell up again in a couple of years, so he mustn’t think I am buying a smaller place to create a life alone. It’s purely for financial reasons that I am ploughing ahead with that.
To be honest, had the boot been on the other foot, I know I would question his commitment to me and I would feel hurt and let down. I tend to be stubborn and bear a grudge, so I am grateful he’s not acting as I probably would!
Thanks for all your advice
I knew what had to do, but just needed confirmation that it was the right thing

It sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen.

I too think you should stay in your own homes. It will be very difficult for either of you to relax with each other's children around. I believe it will lead to all sorts of stresses and resentments.

I now see I should have read your recent post before commenting.

I think you are doing the right thing. Hopefully your partner will realise that you are being sensible and your decision should not affect your previously happy relationship. Good luck.

I hope you partner doesn't want to end the relationship.
It would certainly have come under a lot of strain if you'd gone ahead with the plans for everyone to live together.
I hope he can see that you and he have dodged a bullet on that one.

With each of you having having a family living with you, how are you going to find any time just for yourselves? Why can't your DD and SIL rent? I accept that they want to get a better house but it could be at the loss of your partner. How would you feel about that?

I understand that people put their children first but grown up ones? Of course it's different if they ill and having a difficult time but your DD is moving in with you just so that she can save for a better property?

Sorry, it was Nonogran who suggested the house prices rising

Thank you everyone.
polarbear That is a good point re rising prices, so I have started viewing already

I only saw one house today but already know that one would be absolutely perfect for me!
It’s fairly new, off street parking (rare anywhere around here!) perfect size, decent garden and absolutely immaculate.
I put an offer in! Eeekkk!!!
I couldn’t risk it being sold whilst I looked at others, although there’s very little in my price range on the market at the moment so not much else to look at!
Which is why I decided to get in quickly. I’m in a good position having sold mine and with solicitors already working for me, however, the people who viewed before me, are living with parents so are in an even better position
What will be will be.
I absolutely know that DP will find it difficult living with his son & his girlfriend, his youngest daughter and her dog and even possible visits from the eldest one who lives abroad at the moment!
My DD, SIL and DGS have moved a lot of their essential belongings into mine today and will move in properly Monday.
There’s a lot of stuff, and whilst I am happy to help them out and have them here, I know it will be testing at times.
The thought of everyone joining us in our, now, ex dream house doesn’t bear thinking about!

DP has invited me over tonight to ‘talk’
I don’t understand why he can’t see that I am only putting the move on hold, as opposed to saying I want out of the relationship!
Maybe it’s made him reevaluate ‘us’?
I am going there prepared for him to say it’s probably best we separate as I have hurt him too badly. Anything else will be a bonus.

I've just seen this thread, and read it all.
I'm so relieved for you Flaxseed that you're not heading into that situation, that was likely to be a nightmare.
I think your DP is not seeing the whole situation, of all those people living together indefinitely. He is not thinking about how it would all work out, day to day.

You are the one who looked ahead and voiced concerns but that doesn't mean you are the one who spoiled the 'dream home' you both hoped for.
I hope your DP can understand that you were being realistic and that his hopes of it all working out were not realistic.

Well done. Right decision I think. It’ll be interesting to see how he copes having all his kids back home again. We love our kids but there’s a time when they need to fly the nest. Maybe he’ll realise you were right. I hope it works out for you. Exciting times tho finding a new place for yourself! Enjoy that process. Am a little envious tbh.

Flaxseed, Well done. You know it was the right decision, it took courage though.

You'll be fine. Better to delay the move than dig a deep hole for yourselves.
Only thing I would say, is, if you rent, will house prices go up to unreachable levels for you both when you are free of the children?
All will be OK, you'll see. Good luck.

Thanks for the update Flaxseed- I really do hope things work out for the best for all of you.

So, I plucked up the courage to tell DP that I simply couldn’t do it.
He was shocked and upset, but to give him due, he accepted my decision and did all the necessary communication with estate agents, mortgage people etc, which I absolutely dreaded having to do.
I feel relieved but also not proud of myself for making him feel so sad.
He is questioning where we go from here, although I have reassured him that I still want to be with him and that I hope we could live together when the children are all settled.
He’s really hurt and confused. I hope he wants to continue our relationship because he really is the nicest man and I really do love him.
I still intend to sell my house as it’s costly and it’s time for me to downsize and I am fed up of worrying about whether I have enough money each month.
IF, we stay together, I suspect it will be another couple of years before his children are settled.

It’s all very unsettling at the moment but I think I am old enough to know that things generally work out ok eventually. Thanks for all your advice, every single person I spoke to said the same.
I am both relieved and sad

Good luck. I hope you sort it out.

You lot are so right.

polarbear2 Funnily enough, I was thinking of this as an option earlier. But I feel a bit of a bitch suggesting it. I think my DD would understand, but I worry that his daughter, who isn’t enamoured by our relationship, would just resent me even more!
We haven’t been in contact today, we are both licking our wounds I guess!
Whatever happens, I will still continue with my house sale as it’s an old house that needs lots doing to it and is starting to cost me money I can’t afford. I will try and rent, until I find something suitable to buy if we don’t go ahead with this sale.

I would put it off too. You will find another house in the future, it's just not worth potentially selling up, buying together (huge commitment) and then falling out about each others family/kids! Buying a place together should be a positive thing for you both and atm it doesn't sound like it will be

Don’t do it. Things need time to sort themselves out and this dream home - only bricks and mortar when all is said and done - could turn into an unhappy, chaotic home. Wait until things are more settled before considering a move.

Not sure how wealthy you are but can you rent a flat for the three of his to live in? Time limited. They might be early 20’s but should be not far off supporting themselves. You’d have to compromise of course by agreeing your DD didn’t live with you either - but it seems she has an alternative and if you quietly explain to her I’m sure she’d understand. You two can then buy your lovely house. Just a thought.