Getting cold feet

If it were me I’d put off a house move while things are up in the air with all the children possibly needing housing in the near future. Won’t things be less stressful if you both have the space for family individually?

I’d put it off too.

I moved in with my partner a bit before Covid, after ten years of together but living apart.
We both found it very difficult to adjust to sharing a home, making compromises, not having things just as we individually liked them. And I would say we’re both generally quite tolerant.

Add the stress of assorted adult children and a toddler and my mind boggles. That’s a lot of individuals making a lot of adjustments in living with each other. Honestly I can’t see it working.

I would talk to your daughter, explain about the house you have found and hope that she realises she will have to change her plans and her family will have to arrange their own accommodation.

Definitely put it off. I see trouble ahead and then it will be too late.

I too would defer any joint purchase of a single house until the children are sorted out.
At the moment, you both have the security of your own homes, and your respective children can come and go as they need to without upsetting anyone. It could raise tensions and complications if you were all in the same house for any length of time.

Ilovecheese
I don’t really see why I should have to tell my daughter to make alternative plans without him telling his children they have to.
My DD will be with us the shortest amount of time anyway.

I have spoken to a couple of friends who tend to agree with you all, but realise it’s a difficult decision as we had set our hearts on this house. I feel so anxious knowing I will have to discuss this with DP ASAP. I do hope it doesn’t end with us falling out

Reading your last post it’s obvious resentments are already creeping in and that will be so much worse if you are all tiptoeing around each other in the same property which is going to put your relationship under too much strain. Don’t do it.

All of above- this will all end in tears. What do you want for yourself? Take control of your own life.

oh, stay in your own homes . there will be trouble ahead if you move in a home together and all your offspring end up there too. We all love our own more than any partners.

I too am in agreement with the other posters Dream house could become a nightmare house with four extra adults (one who doesn’t really like you) and a child before you’ve even got time to raise a glass to your dream home
Presuming the two ‘step’ children are single they may well be bringing boyfriends/ girlfriends home for meals, evenings or ....shhhh ......nights
Sounds a nightmare well avoided
Well I couldn’t do it dream home or no dream home
I would suggest there are no halfway solutions, either have the dream house and say no to everyone or stay as you are and each look after your children for the next year or so
Not a situation I d like to have to make decisions about but you’ve managed 8 years apart, another one or two may be in the offing to save everyone’s sanity

Absolutely agree with BlueBelle can't add any more. Good luck Flaxseed

Not sure how wealthy you are but can you rent a flat for the three of his to live in? Time limited. They might be early 20’s but should be not far off supporting themselves. You’d have to compromise of course by agreeing your DD didn’t live with you either - but it seems she has an alternative and if you quietly explain to her I’m sure she’d understand. You two can then buy your lovely house. Just a thought.

Don’t do it. Things need time to sort themselves out and this dream home - only bricks and mortar when all is said and done - could turn into an unhappy, chaotic home. Wait until things are more settled before considering a move.

I would put it off too. You will find another house in the future, it's just not worth potentially selling up, buying together (huge commitment) and then falling out about each others family/kids! Buying a place together should be a positive thing for you both and atm it doesn't sound like it will be

You lot are so right.

polarbear2 Funnily enough, I was thinking of this as an option earlier. But I feel a bit of a bitch suggesting it. I think my DD would understand, but I worry that his daughter, who isn’t enamoured by our relationship, would just resent me even more!
We haven’t been in contact today, we are both licking our wounds I guess!
Whatever happens, I will still continue with my house sale as it’s an old house that needs lots doing to it and is starting to cost me money I can’t afford. I will try and rent, until I find something suitable to buy if we don’t go ahead with this sale.

Good luck. I hope you sort it out.

So, I plucked up the courage to tell DP that I simply couldn’t do it.
He was shocked and upset, but to give him due, he accepted my decision and did all the necessary communication with estate agents, mortgage people etc, which I absolutely dreaded having to do.
I feel relieved but also not proud of myself for making him feel so sad.
He is questioning where we go from here, although I have reassured him that I still want to be with him and that I hope we could live together when the children are all settled.
He’s really hurt and confused. I hope he wants to continue our relationship because he really is the nicest man and I really do love him.
I still intend to sell my house as it’s costly and it’s time for me to downsize and I am fed up of worrying about whether I have enough money each month.
IF, we stay together, I suspect it will be another couple of years before his children are settled.

It’s all very unsettling at the moment but I think I am old enough to know that things generally work out ok eventually. Thanks for all your advice, every single person I spoke to said the same.
I am both relieved and sad

Thanks for the update Flaxseed- I really do hope things work out for the best for all of you.

You'll be fine. Better to delay the move than dig a deep hole for yourselves.
Only thing I would say, is, if you rent, will house prices go up to unreachable levels for you both when you are free of the children?
All will be OK, you'll see. Good luck.

Flaxseed, Well done. You know it was the right decision, it took courage though.

Well done. Right decision I think. It’ll be interesting to see how he copes having all his kids back home again. We love our kids but there’s a time when they need to fly the nest. Maybe he’ll realise you were right. I hope it works out for you. Exciting times tho finding a new place for yourself! Enjoy that process. Am a little envious tbh.

I've just seen this thread, and read it all.
I'm so relieved for you Flaxseed that you're not heading into that situation, that was likely to be a nightmare.
I think your DP is not seeing the whole situation, of all those people living together indefinitely. He is not thinking about how it would all work out, day to day.

You are the one who looked ahead and voiced concerns but that doesn't mean you are the one who spoiled the 'dream home' you both hoped for.
I hope your DP can understand that you were being realistic and that his hopes of it all working out were not realistic.

Thank you everyone.
polarbear That is a good point re rising prices, so I have started viewing already

I only saw one house today but already know that one would be absolutely perfect for me!
It’s fairly new, off street parking (rare anywhere around here!) perfect size, decent garden and absolutely immaculate.
I put an offer in! Eeekkk!!!
I couldn’t risk it being sold whilst I looked at others, although there’s very little in my price range on the market at the moment so not much else to look at!
Which is why I decided to get in quickly. I’m in a good position having sold mine and with solicitors already working for me, however, the people who viewed before me, are living with parents so are in an even better position
What will be will be.
I absolutely know that DP will find it difficult living with his son & his girlfriend, his youngest daughter and her dog and even possible visits from the eldest one who lives abroad at the moment!
My DD, SIL and DGS have moved a lot of their essential belongings into mine today and will move in properly Monday.
There’s a lot of stuff, and whilst I am happy to help them out and have them here, I know it will be testing at times.
The thought of everyone joining us in our, now, ex dream house doesn’t bear thinking about!

DP has invited me over tonight to ‘talk’
I don’t understand why he can’t see that I am only putting the move on hold, as opposed to saying I want out of the relationship!
Maybe it’s made him reevaluate ‘us’?
I am going there prepared for him to say it’s probably best we separate as I have hurt him too badly. Anything else will be a bonus.

Sorry, it was Nonogran who suggested the house prices rising