Downsizing. Have to but don’t want to

I agree Madeline, that deserves "post of the year" in my opinion. Inspirational.

madeleine45 what a lovely and very moving and thought provoking post, definitely worth reading over and over again

You have inspired me, to get out and about more, to drive to the beaches, to lovely devon, to explore the greater area in which I live. To pack a picnic into my boot and just go wherever the fancy takes me. What an adventure lies ahead. You have inspired me, you really have

After I retired I gave 3 days a week to be a volunteer ambulance car driver in north yorkshire. So you have to have a car no more than 6 years old, clean driving license, and be crb checked. You dont take anyone who needs oxygen with them, nor people who need the actual service of the ambulance. So , in my case I lived in Richmond and took many people from the top end of wensleydale and swaledale to mostly James Cook in Middlesborough. There is a patient transport ambulance which takes up to 8 people , but of course , it takes longer to collect 8 people than 3 or 4, and you also have to wait for all the 8 to be ready to return so you are talking about most of the day, and it is not as comfortable as a private car. So I would be taking people for pre or post operation checks, eye appointments where due to the drops you have you cannot drive yourself, and when people were having radiotherapy for 5 days a week for 6 weeks a comfortable journey was appreciated. So naturally you get to know patients and they tell you there stories. Many people are very reluctant to consider moving from a loved house up the dales. But whilst at the moment they can drive and go as and where they please, any loss of sight will mean the loss of independance as there is very little bus service up the dales especially in the evenings etc. You could see and hear how people put off thinking about it. I have always been fiercely independant , and have seen people who perhaps had a stroke or had to go into hospital and could not manage at home on their own. If that happens you are forced to accept other peoples choices , due to needing help right now, so no time to work out what you want or like, and if family are concerned they may almost insist that you move closer to them, out of concern and your need to have help, but then you may lose all your built up friendships and contacts etc. My husband died 5 years ago and I stayed in my house in richmond but rather I should say I stayed inmy beloved garden. We lived there for just over 20 years, and my garden was on 3 levels , I am a galanthophile and had over 50 kinds of snowdrops, hellebores, planted trees , and had a summerhouse and it was on the edge of richmond so had both garden birds but also looked out onto open land and all the owls and hawks and buzzards etc as well. So obviously I did not want to leave, but have a bad back and now cancer and made the decision that I would make the move, partly practical , nearer hospital, trains and buses if I am unable to drive etc and a ground floor flat so that no stairs. As a professional singer I have had a piano since I was 5 years old and my hardest thing was to have to give up the piano as too large to come here. It was one of the hardest moves of my life , with covid thrown in it meant I had no help from my family and it all had to be done strictly following the guidelines. It was quite heartbreaking at the time and took me some months to begin to settle in but I was buoyed up by that feeling that it was my choice, and by doing this I still have as much of an independant life as possible. This main point has proved true. I am sat here late at night because my back is very painful and I cant do much. If I was still in the old house I would have difficulty using the stairs etc. Now I can just wander from one room to another, Yes I miss my garden , but am still sorting lots of things out here yet, but have been able to start swimming again after the baths were closed for a time due to covid. So, on the positive side I am definitely still the master (mistress) of my own destiny, still have many friends and colleagues around, sing with swale singers and I have been involved in Swaledale festival for over 20 years , and will be volunteering this year as well as singing in the festival. I am nearer to the coast, and dont have to worry about being snowed up on to p of a hill. You get that freedom of movement that you didnt realize had been lost over time. e.g. you know how up and down the weather has been, so last saturday it was sunny and bright and quite warm. My back would not let me garden or do anything special so decided to go to Thirsk. Put my picnic stuff in the boot and it was so nice I ended up going to Malton, then on to Bridlington, and back across the wolds. Had a lovely day totally unexpectedly, felt that I was doing something I wanted to after all this being shut in over covid. didnt mix with people though but really enjoyed my day with radio 3, the yorkshire post and my picnic. No worries about getting back for anyone else, could change my mind at the last minute, no worrying about the house etc, or jobs that need doing. I am , like many people, absolutely worried sick about the cost of electricity as this is a total electric flat here and I havent even been here a year to know a base cost. But I do know that it is defintely less than I would be paying at the house. So I know I have gone on and on for a bit but I just wanted you to see how something has worked out. Life always has to be a compromise , whether it is money or where you live or whatever. It is no good thinking you will just go to live near your children as they may move with their job and then you would be in a worse position, having left the familiar to be near family and then finding yourselves possibly left in an area that you dont car for. I am very anti "Ghettoising" you know all old people live in this area , all young people in that area. Here inn this market town there is a normal mix of all sorts of people , housing, and lots of opporunites. Once we feel safe to mix again, there are lots of things you can choose to join, I have driven the little white bus up swaledale, been a reader for Talking Newspaper for the Blind, been asked to help with the brownies (which I regretfully declined ) and of course have a fortnights festival coming up where I do a lot of collecting artists from the station and taking them up the dales, translating for people, spreading the word and giving out programmes etc etc. so long as it is clean I dont care about the decoration in the flat right now. Eventually I shall do something but now on good days I can do more interesting things without worrying about the tiles or the plumber etc etc and on tough days I can either stay in bed or sit up looking out at the birds and squirrel, that chases along the fence, reading my books with radio 3 on , and only a short step through to the kitchen . There have been days recently when I have really been grateful for that and thought to myself how much harder it would have been in my old house. Well this missive if you read it , will last you all morning, but I hope that it points you in the right way. My last thing I would advise, and have suggested to people trying to decide to take a job or move or whatever is this.
Think of the old concequences game and take two pieces of paper. On one piece write what you love about your home, fold it over and then each time you remember another thing add it on so it might be , the lovely smell of woodsmoke, or your lovely hamamelis scent, On the other piece write what you dont like, so the effort to bring shopping in up 6 steps to the door, or the noisy or inconsiderate neighbours you wont miss for a minute. Again fold it over and keep adding to it. Get your husband to do the same. dont show or tell each other what you are putting. Then when the page is full put it away in a drawer for about a week. So find a time when you are not too tired, but perhaps it is pouring with rain. so now again individually you look at the papers and the first thing you are doing is putting things together in groups, i.e. noisy neighbours, late night door slamming, loud music late at night, ior positive can walk to the drs in 5 minutes, local dentist has looked after your teeth for 20 years, the garden club is great etc. So when you have seen your groups then look at each others ideas. You can actually be amazed by something that didnt occur to you to mention comes up in the other persons list i'e' that flipping dog 3 doors down gets loose and comes in your garden wrecking your border,etc
It is not a competition, but you sort of then get into the trade off , so will put up with smaller garden if I can be close to the golf club or whatever. That is a good starting point, and has committed you to nothing yet, so the anxety of the thought of moving does not need to cloud your judgement and you can end up with a much clearer idea of what is important and not important. Dont forget the most important of all, you have each other and can still make the choices about what is important in your lives and you do not have to be shoved into making a hurried decision due to ill health. Dont know if you ever saw a programme called waiting for God, where diana - played by the wonderful stephanie cole is physically disabled and has to use a wheelchair or hobble about. But she has been a war correspondent and lived her life to the full and is not prepared to be talked down to etc.Well that is me! I intend to be polite where possible but no one is calling me dear or asking how are we today!! Read the poem , when I am old and wear purple by Jenny Joseph and that is my attitude to life and go for it. Every good wish and it does not matter what you decide to do in the end, go, stay, split it to flats. What counts is that it is YOUR decision as you have made decisions about your lives all the way. I hope that you will be happy together wherever you end up and would like it if you let me know what happens next!

My inlaws invested in a stair lift a few years ago for him but now he has died, she uses it as well as the mobility recliner chair and other aids. The house has a downstairs loo and is easily accessible for carers who clean and cook.
Don't be afraid to adapt your home, is what I am suggesting. Close off rooms you don't use and heat the parts you do.
It will be strange at first but we humans are adaptable. Don't feel forced to move if your heart is not in it.
I am taking my own advice though I haven't installed a lift yet!

My own new build is on a small development, local builder and on a close. 11 properties of different types 3-4 bed, we have 3 children here, gorgeous and polite and quiet with very reponsible parents. I love that I am on a mixed development, several people came around with their phone numbers at the start of lockdown, said to call if I needed help

Be very very careful about giving money away. There is the 7 year tapered inheritance tax rule to start with and also the deprivation of assets, when cash that has been given away can be reclaimed if you need care. The authorities can go back into your accounts for endless years, you cannot hide from them

Have you thought about asking family to live with you, maybe whoever will inherit your home eventually? My mum moved in with us for a few years and had her own bedroom, sitting room and bathroom, it worked really well.
My Aunty and Uncle lived in a big old house in the middle of nowhere, talked them into selling up and buying a modern bungalow near to me, neither of them like it but it’s turned out to be so much better for them especially as my uncle has been unwell. xx

I understand your dilemma, Lilypops, but living in a large expensive to heat and maintain house, especially if one of you is left alone, is going to cause you more problems as each year passes. As others have suggested, begin by having a good de-clutter, then perhaps you will feel more ready to take the plunge and downsize. Imagine the comfort, warmth and convenience of a more modern and smaller house. You could stay in the same area.
I also feel that I should move. Not necessarily to a smaller house, but somewhere nearer local amenities. I'm still driving, at 82, but know that the clock is ticking on that. If I can't drive, and become less able to walk life will be difficult, being a mile from the nearest shops and bus.
I have lived in this house for 55 years and have wonderful neighbours. I was widowed 6 years ago. It's quite manageable, at the moment, and the garden's not too big. It has no through traffic, and overlooks common land, at the front, and I would really miss the lack of traffic, and the open aspect of grass, trees and dog-walkers.
There are some bungalows in the neighbourhood, but they all cost more than the sale of my house would fetch. Buying another 2-storey might create mobility problems in the future. The other option is to get a flat, but a friend did that, then was tormented with noisy neighbours. The other alternative is to stay put and hope that my two very good DC, who both live locally, can rally round when I need more help.
It's a predicament.

Oh dear, Bijou.

That's another worry, leaving somewhere you love.

We had to downsize for financial reasons from a lovely property in rural Hampshire with fields all round to a small estate bungalow in Norfolk. Even the cat didn’t like it.i
I still don’t like it.

I have downsized to a small 3-bed new-build semi.

The important thing for me is that I am in the same area near my friends and family - so, as others have suggested, maybe you could find something smaller near where you are, so you are changing only one aspect of your lives: just making your home more manageable.

I had never expected to be in a new-build, as I thought they were small and boxy with no storage space etc. However I have been pleasantly surprised. It is in a small close and the house itself is relatively spacious for what it is, and has the massive advantage of having every modern convenience: excellent sound and heat insulation, state-of-the-art appliances all under guarantee etc. I have put my own stamp on it, making it warm and homely, even though it does not have beams!

It was not built by one of the big developers, but by a local partnership who live in the next village and have built several small developments locally. They therefore have a reputation to maintain and are not a faceless organisation.

But please do not underestimate the stress of dealing with estate agents and solicitors!

We rented for a bit between buying houses and it made me feel quite insecure. I suppose it depends where you rent. I agree about giving children money which is a great idea often at a time when they need it most, but there are tax rules re this.

Sawsage, do be careful that in giving money away you don’t fall foul of the rules about ‘deliberate deprivation of assets’ should you need care. Your remark ‘better than giving it to care/nursing homes’ rings alarm bells.

There is such a lot of stress involved isn't there.
I was with MiL today and we talked about her various house moves and I asked her if she had regrets.
They ran a B&B on the Suffolk coast for about 10 years and loved it but they were much younger and fitter then and made friends easily.
It is hard to make new friends as you age and as she pointed out she has outlived all hers!
There is a woman who goes to her lunch club who moved from Forfar. She just endlessly talks about the wonders of Forfar!
My in-laws missed Scotland and bought a house in the Borders when they retired hoping their English friends would visit but they didn't and even we were a couple of hours away.
The garden was massive as well and so they reluctantly sold that and bought something nearer to us and to their roots.
I wouldn't move to be near my DC as they would then feel trapped.

Conveyancing is so complicated and expensive now. Their first house cost £1600 freehold
I think I like the idea of decluttering and getting the place ready to sell if that is what I decide to do.
I am already about to rent out the granny annex and have volunteers to stay and help with heavy stuff.
I pay a gardener once a week who keeps things looking tidy. I have a studio too which I share with other artists. The house is special and would be hard to part with.

I understand how you feel,do not stress yourself we have neighbours still both at home and in their nineties——- but what would be a good idea is plan carefully.Just go through each room and see what you don’t need and get rid of it as much as possible in your own time.Could you afford to get help in ? Cleaner,gardener etc or arrange for someone to live in if you ever need it,just a thought,maybe family could help you———— don’t get yourself upset just enjoy every room,others had good ideas so think carefully what you feel like doing,there are companies to help you if you finally have to move,above all enjoy now,none of us know what is next,very best of luck ?

We came across one agent with T&Cs like that OldHag and needless to say they didn’t get our business. Do look at others, they are by no means all the same. Why people sign without reading everything is beyond me.

I agree that OP is unlikely to be allowed to view properties until hers is at least on the market. If I were selling I wouldn’t want viewers with dependent sales who hadn’t already got a sale agreed. There used to be a lot of ‘time wasters’, less so now.

I would certainly recommend looking at the floor plan of a property online before viewing and considering the layout and measurements care. The photos only tell part of the story. Also look at it on Google Earth to see the immediate surroundings - a lot can be photoshopped out of agents’ photos. I once saw what looked like a lovely cottage - the surrounding new estate had somehow vanished.

Move sooner rather than later. I sold my house and moved into a rented which I love and can give my children/grandchildren money if they need it (better than giving it to care/nursing homes)

Lilypops I have known many downsizers who have felt like you do, but none who have regretted the move.

The first thing to do is analyse how you use your current house. How many rooms do you actually use and how do you use them. Draw up a specification for what you want and will need in your new property.

Look in estate agents windows and look on Rightmove www.rightmove.co.uk. Look in areas you like and see what properties you would like and how much they cost. Rightmove gives floor plans and lots of pictures of every house and, with google maps,www.google.co.uk/maps you can look at the area from on high and then walk along the road with Street View to see what it looks like.

When you go on the market, ask the estate agent to conduct all the viewings and let you know so that you can go out for a walk or for a cup of coffee, just to get out of the house while it takes place. And start clearing the house now, just gently, room by room and make a list of furniture you will no longer need when you move and find out where your local auction rooms are and furniture charity in preparation.

As others have said, furniture removers will pack the house up. On the day you can walk out of the house so you do not see it dismembered and let them get on with it.

DH and I can still manage the house we have lived in for only 25 years, but we know we will need to move sooner or later so we just keep that in mind. We now have the perfect house, the one we always wanted it and it will take a lot to move us on, but we always baear it in mind so that when it comes we are mentally prepared for it.

We too have been going through this thought process for some time, as we have a fairly big house, in a large garden, with a holiday let to manage as well, and both of us have health problems. Having hum'd and haa'd for ages, we made up our minds yesterday to go for it and put ours on the market. Today, having read the contract from the agent, we have changed our minds!! If you do go for it OP, do please read the small print with a fine toothed comb, as we discovered that, if we can't find a place we would like to move to, but the agent finds a 'ready, willing and able' buyer, we would be committed to pay the agents fees, even if we pulled out!! There were numerous other T&C's that we weren't happy with, so we've now decided to stay put, and with the ongoing income from the holiday let, will pay people to look after the garden, decorating, cleaning, etc. for as long as we need to.

Also, with the market being so busy at present, please be aware that agents will not allow you to view a property unless you are in a position to proceed, ie, if you have already agreed a sale on your property, or at minimum, got your house on the market, so for those who suggested viewing a few places to get a feel as to whether it would work for you, at this period in time, I'm afraid that is unlikely to work. As someone else suggested, why not have the property split into two flats, you could then remain where you are, and have an income. Finally, (sorry it's such a long one), do you have any children, who might have a suggestion that might work for you?

Lilypops

A heartfelt thanks to all who responded to my dilemma of downsizing but not really wanting to, over the weekend we looked online at a house in exactly the area we wanted ,but oh the rooms are so small, and with only one reception room we wonder if we can manage this. Because if there is a programme on tv ie football , I can go in another room. ,but it’s not impossible , I know , I can put a tv maybe in one of the bedrooms , However, it has made us start looking seriously , I even started a declutter yesterday , while DH watched football most of the day !! Once again Thankyou all for your input, much appreciated.

So pleased to hear that you feel that it might be possible for you to downsize.
I know what you mean about the room size and the single reception room. We found somewhere with a lovely big living room with a balcony and a view, an almost open plan kitchen and plenty of room for a dining table.
We chose a maisonette so we still have enough rooms for one of them to be a second living room for my husband who has musical instruments and music books. He'll have room for a second TV which can access anything that we have recorded in the main room.
As three of my children live relatively locally it's unlikely that we need many spare rooms, so we've knocking one of the smaller bedrooms into our master bedrooms to give us a bit more room so I can have a desk and my computer discretely stowed away in there.
We'll only have one spare room left, but it will have a shower room and a enough bed space for two overnighting grandchildren.
I know that some people feel that they need to have enough rooms to provide space for all their family to come and stay at once, but that is what we did in our last house and during the 15 years that we lived there we very rarely had a full house.

I've seen just two over about five years GSM and both came on the market at most inconvenient times.

There are bungalows but not where we want to be.

Sounds as if you'll have a sizeable stash as a result of your sale so buy wisely.get maybe a new/nearly new build with as large rooms as you can,. New builds are fab! No cleaning someone else's mess. Brand new everything and the very latest money saving tech.we did it some years ago and bought a house with lovely big bedrooms all king sized one of which now houses out huge train layout! You'll love it !

Callistemon21

The problem is that there is little on the market to suit older people. In fact, there is little on the market at all except new builds and much as I like children in small doses most in our road have grown up and moved away. New builds would probably be bought by young families.
Some may not necessarily want a bungalow but many do and it's very rare that any are built now.
A friend moved from a 4 bedroom house to a small bungalow and warned "don't downsize too much if you want your own space. You can't get away from each other". (She did love her DH but I know what she meant.)

There are always bungalows coming up for sale round here as it’s a popular place to retire to but they are so small and all the same, no individuality or character. I know bungalows don’t maximise the value of development land as they have a larger footprint than the average house with the same number of bedrooms but you’d think that more could be built on smaller sites (I’m not one who likes to hear kids shouting all day) and with more imaginative designs. My arthritic knees would rather enjoy not having stairs but I have yet to see a single storey property in this area that I’d want to live in.

Hello Venicelady and welcome to GN.

The selling and buying process has been quite frankly horrendous. Not one I would wish on anyone, and such a different experience to our previous foray into the world of Estate Agents and Solicitors. That, coupled with the decluttering of family memorabilia and sorting through the decades of stuff shoved into the loft space, has made the whole process taxing and wearing.

That is really offputting, I agree.
It's sometimes suggested that, if you like your house, it's easy to heat and maintain, then it's better to stay where you are and spend the money you would have spent on moving making alterations, putting in a lift or stair lift or altering to future-proof it.

As a new poster (Grandma to be!) I am posting from the frontline of this situation.

We are actually upsizing, but to a house with the ability to be future-proofed in that it has a downstairs loo and space for a shower if needed. We will knock together two smaller rooms to make one big room, which could be used as a downstairs bedroom if the need arises.

Our current house is around the same size or even slightly smaller but it is much older and requires a lot of maintenance and upkeep. We are early retired and covid and health permitting the plan is to travel and live life to the full.

So, we decided, albeit very reluctantly, that now was the time to move from our family home of 37 years.

The selling and buying process has been quite frankly horrendous. Not one I would wish on anyone, and such a different experience to our previous foray into the world of Estate Agents and Solicitors. That, coupled with the decluttering of family memorabilia and sorting through the decades of stuff shoved into the loft space, has made the whole process taxing and wearing.

We are relatively young and it has brought home to us the need to do this whilst you have the energy and headspace to cope with the physical demands of the task of moving, and the legalise.

We adore this house and there will be tears....but, we have faced the reality of it and hope we will have many more happy years together and with family in our new home.

OP do it now, or you will probably regret it.

We too livid in a rambling house where our kids had grown up. We decided to downsize while we were still active, rather than be forced to do it later. It was the best thing we ever did!
The new place still has spare rooms for the family to visit but is so much easier to keep clean and tidy, and half the cost to heat. Our new neighbours were so welcoming too.
I would say go for it!