Downsizing. Have to but don’t want to

We are all different, so personal choice, stating the obvious
so my experience, dh and I moved from Birmingham, 50 years ago, to Oxfordshire with my elderly mum living with us, and two young children.. we were both young and active
then we moved a couple of more times, the last one, from Oxfordshire to N.Yorkshire
thereafter, I retired from full time employment
dh became unwell and we moved back to Wiltshire to be nearer to gks etc.
we downsized this last move. dh died, so I am glad that we moved back, and downsized whilst he was alive, and we created our home here.

I think of sheltered accom now.. but not ready to move.
but pleased, as I said , that we had downsized whilst he was here with me.

Very sensible suggestions from everyone! But you might want to consider something like my own solution to this problem as well (much loved house and not wanting to move).

After considering down sizing straight away I decided to use the house to provide an income for me. I started seven years ago running a B&B with two bedrooms on the first floor sharing a bathroom, and serving breakfast and other meals downstairs in my conservatory. It was very successful, but during the Covid lockdown, I discovered how much better I felt with less work to do (I have several health problems).

I had a mini kitchen put into the middle bedroom up stairs, and now do more-or-less self catering, but because of being too lazy to change my website I kept it as a B&B by providing all the ingredients for breakfast in the room for them to cook! And no shared bathroom which I was always unhappy about. I have my own loo and shower room downstairs, and I've made the living room downstairs into my bedroom.

It's brilliant! Apart from cleaning and making beds there is much less to do, and I also have my conservatory back for my own use; my favourite room! The best thing is that when my daughters and families come down I still have room for them to stay when guests aren't here.

My house is smaller than yours; three bedrooms plus a very small one, and there is only me to consider unlike your situation. I own the house outright, so don't have to pay a mortgage. I am still keeping downsizing as a future possibility, but this is the perfect solution for me for now.

I know people who have made one or two rooms into Airbnb type spaces; no need for kitchen facilities. As Pepper59 said you could keep looking for somewhere smaller without rushing.

My cousin who is 81 is getting ready to move into an assisted living apartment in two weeks time. She lost her husband to cancer at the start of the pandemic. They lived in a bungalow their whole married life, 59 years, and always planned to move nearer their daughter on the Isle of Wight but never got round to it.
I am full of admiration how my elderly cousin has waded through the minefield of conveyancing on her own over the last year, I am two hours away so could only help her over the phone mostly because of lockdowns etc getting in the way. She would often be in tears as she was still grieving of course.
She would always say she wishes they had moved when her husband was still around but she was so daunted by all the maintenance involved with the upkeep of her three bedroom bungalow after he died that is what prompted her to undertake such a move at her age. So, think carefully about moving, better sooner rather than later in some cases maybe. Good luck with any decision you make.

I had to downsize about 7 years ago when, on my own, I couldn’t manage a full time job and physically and financially manage to maintain my large Victorian home of nearly 40 year. I was spending all weekend cleaning and most holidays decorating.Luckily I found a bungalow in the same area and the peace of mind and easier life made settling in straight forward. I’ve now retired and, needing a hip replacement, know I would have been in a real fix if I’d not moved

We are considering downsizing before it is too difficult, mainly because the gardens are too big for me to manage. We keep looking but really, if I'm honest, I want a big house and a small garden with money left over to invest. That is more difficult in this area as houses are going like hot cakes and there is little choice.

We downsized 6 years ago, mainly because DH has been scammed out of a lot of money (which we are still fighting to get back). We moved to the only bungalow around in our new price range, about 2 miles from the last house. We did have to get rid of loads of furniture and purchase new stuff. We have lovely neighbours on one side, the other? Hmmm!! The people across the road are all lovely. When buying the house DH argued the garden was too small, now he is 81 it's getting to be too big. The last house hd a huge garden which we all loved.
My suggestion is to keep looking around to see if there is any property you might fancy looking at, at the same time as getting rid of unnecessary items, to make moving easier when the time comes.

Yes, just do it now whilst you are still able.
If you're anything like us you'll have a huge amount of "stuff" and furniture which is too big for a smaller home so you need to take steps now to get rid of much of it. This will also make your home easier to sell. Use a reputable removal company to come and pack and move you, it will seem expensive but is worth every penny, if you are downsizing you can afford it.
I miss our old lovely home but am so happy to be somewhere smaller. Our outside maintenance and heating are looked after by the management company and we are near two of our children. We have enough money to be able to pay a good builder to do a thorough renovation which starts next week.
Obviously you need to do any maintenance that is overdue and you can get advice from a good estate agent about what is necessary and cost effective. He might recommend getting planning permission for an extension or something which would add value such as turning into flats, but you really don't need to take on such major work as you will add to the value of your house by just having the permission. Any major work would be very stressful and you may well not actually get your money back.
If any major work such as a new roof needs doing you can allow for this in the asking price or deduct the cost from your selling price after a survey. If you get a quote for the work beforehand you will know exactly what this would cost.
Definitely don't do work to a kitchen or bathroom prior to selling, most people prefer to install their own.

but seriously you must spend all day cleaning it

Presumably they don't use all five bedrooms so they won't get dirty or messy.
Cleaning the stairs is the worst, I must admit.

The house is obviously a worry to you. You either accept the possibility of not coping or downsize. The house is a building, you will take your memories with you no matter where you live. And, you may well have years with no worry.

Feeling sad is all part of it but feeling tearful any time you think of it is perhaps a bit OTT? I found a saying a few years ago which I find a lot of truth in.
"^Use things; love people" A house is a thing^.

I take your point, greenlady but a house is more than a thing.
It's home, it's friendly neighbours, the location etc.

Moving when you're older and making a fresh start at 88 is a big decision.

It may be hard now but you won’t regret it. I didn’t have a home as big has yours mine was just a 3 bed house lol. I’m now in a bungalow by the sea. Your memories will always be with you in your heart and head. No matter where you live a house is just bricks and water. As others have said see if you can get it put into two flats but then would you bear someone else in your home, but seriously you must spend all day cleaning It and your fuel bills must be crazy to keep it warm. The hardest thing was getting rid of furniture. But Moving is something you have to be ready to do. Also have a drive around see what you like in your area and it’s normal to miss things and times I did but I never went back to my house after I moved for a look I said goodbye on my last look around it but only you can make that choice. It took me 3yrs to move. Good luck with whatever choice you decide.

My 91 year old dad gave up his house and moved to a retirement apartment during the first Covid wave. He had to isolate for two weeks then dicovered all activities had shut down until the number of cases began to drop. It was a difficult start for him but now he says it's the best move he's ever made. He has a beautiful flat, south facing and with a large balcony. His sitting / dining room and bedroom and bathroom are all bigger than ours and so warm and comfortable. There is a communal lounge and small kitchen and a large garden for everyone to sit in. Best of all, everyone supports each other and there are coffee mornings etc and the men all get together to watch the rugby etc. Of course, there are people who don't join in activities because they like quiet and privacy, but my dad absolutely loves it and has made good friends there. We live in a largeish house in the country. If my husband dies before me, I intend to sell up and buy one of these apartments so I can go away any time I like and can just lock the door and not worry about it.

We downsized but one of our kids didn't leave (medical reasons) so after 7 years in a lovely lateral environment we have bitten the bullet and expect to have a new house in a few weeks time. Like yours it's 5 beds and three floors, couldn't find anything else after looking for years for a suitable bungalow/flat all on one floor - fussy about location, things like that don't come up where we're looking.

Basically we needed more space not less. However, we have agreed it's temporary, max 5 years and we'll have to start looking again as by then well both be in our 70s. I do think moving somewhere where you can get embedded in the local community well before you become too frail is a good idea though, which is what my late MIL did (she moved nearer us while still fit and well, and made loads of friends). I think downsizing is very painful as retirement is when we have more time to be at home and use the space for hobbies, visitors and so on. The cost of heating is a bit scary though, it wasn't such an issue when we offered on the house last August and if we were starting again I might look for a newer and more energy efficient property.

My parents downsized in their late 70's and it was a big strain for them. All the planning, sorting out what to keep/take, organising the removals and then when they arrived surrounded by boxes they didn't know where to start. They never really had time to get the new home as they wanted it because they had left it too late. I took on board what happened to them and we moved in our early 70's. We have been in our bungalow for 3 years and we are very happy. We both agreed that it was best to make the move while we are fit.

If you need to pay for help in the future you could think about equity release which can be managed quite quickly. Don't move if it is making you so sad.

Lilypops

Hi Green lady. Thankyou for your input, I appreciate what you are getting at, but unless you can imagine the strong feelings this house holds, it’s very hard to get a grip. , we moved in as newly weds in 1968 , so many memories are here and I really really wish I could just walk away with no sentimental feelings , but I know we must , I can’t not feel sad about it and DH feels the same. What are we like !!!

The house doesn't hold them, your brain does and it always will.

Feeling sad is all part of it but feeling tearful any time you think of it is perhaps a bit OTT? I found a saying a few years ago which I find a lot of truth in.
"Use things; love people" A house is a thing.

Is your grief perhaps for the life that is gone and for the life that you see coming?

Lilypops, if it'll lift your spirits as it has mine, there's a picture of Princess Anne and her husband sitting in a living room of their " vast " property. The room could be mine here ( cluttered ) and stuffed with all kinds, but looks cosy and inviting.

Of all the rooms there must be, the obvious chosen one is where they feel the most comfortable.

In other words, there really isn't any need to have anything more than you're comfortable with. I think it's a brilliant photo which really puts me at my ease.

Good luck with whatever you decide. It is so very difficult. Like others have said perhaps looking for a smaller place in the same area would be something to consider. You wouldn't be leaving all you are familiar with. Sadly, you do have to consider how either one of you would cope, left on your own. It's not pleasant, but it is a sad fact of life. As another poster said if you are really in doubt, perhaps just leave it for a year, but look at what is available in your area in the meantime.

Greta8 made a very good point: the legal work.

Lillypops
I’m sure that when you bought your house 53 yrs ago the conveyancing was all very nice and simple. Lovely caring solicitors who only wanted to do the best for you and look after your interests.
Those days are gone. ( generally speaking) ?

I can’t begin to tell you what a minefield it is out there now
with buying and selling property.
I’m no shrinking violet and neither is my OH but it brought me to tears many times.
The last straw was a court summons for non payment of council tax because my buyers solicitor hadn’t registered the property with the land registry. ?

I echo about stair lifts breaking down . My sister in law's mom was stuck on hers for 3 hours before help came. Her dad could help her mom up stairs and her mom couldn't walk up them. As she was going to the toilet she had an accident.

I couldn't be without my garden. And knew I would hate living in an apartment. So my bungalow is perfect for me.

Grammaretto I am always surprised how many older people say they are looking for a bungalow when down\=sizing and not a flat.

A bungalow may give you single storey living, BUT still has all the same problems as a house with regards to roof, gutterings, garden, fences, etc. etc.

So, unless having a garden is something you could not do without, then a flat is a much better option. Would not recommend any of the so-called retirement flats, which appear to be smaller, with large service charges, etc. Just a normal block. Obviously, a lift is imperative - but does leave you the choice of using stairs on those occasions you can.

Obviously, ALL flats have a service charge, but if you live in a bungalow/house, etc you would likely be allocating money for on-going maintenance, and this is just the same. If you can find a block that is self-managed, then that can mean the service charge is not at all expensive. Our service charge covers not just all the obvious building insurance, etc, and ongoing maintenance of the building, etc. but ALL water charges, and a 24\7 contract for all flats with British Gas for our individual combi boilers and CH. The public areas are kept spotless and regularly decorated - all for £1500 pa- is not bad. It also provides our own community giving us company if we want it, whilst having the total privacy of our own flats. All have balconys - some of these are quite large and private - one is large enough to have a greenhouse, and garden shed. Flats also provide a feeling of genuine security and safety. Your own insurance will be cheap as will only be required for Contents, and energy consumption tends to be lower in a flat than in bungalow or house.

Moving - as you get older - is very stressful. I can remember moving house when I was well on in pregnancy, with a couple of very small children, and cannot remember much real stress, equally, some years later moving with disabled hubbie, dog, cat and five young children (including 16-month old twins, and - again - cannot really remember any great stress. However, when I last moved, two years ago from house to this flat- it was a long and horribly stressful journey. Selling and buying property has got a lot more difficult - but I really think the main problem was that in my late 70.s I was so much more unable to cope.

Downsizing is something that takes a lot of thought, should never be undertaking too soon after bereavement and - where possible should be done well be the age of 75 years (preferably whilst still in sixties).

I can say that my moving to this flat was one of the very best decisions I have ever made. My health has so much improved since I have been here - and even during lockdown did not feel totally isolated as I would see people in passing when I went in/out.

Lots to think about when moving particularly for older age.
Location of the property must be high up in list, with near access to public transport, shops, pharmacy, hospital, doctors, dentist, optician, social activities, etc. etc.

My car was always such an important part of my life - and I insisted of only looking at flats that had garages. Would not have believed that less than two years later I would be happy to give up my car - taking away another source of stress and cost. With buses stopping literally outside these flats I was not using it and it was just staying in the garage. Still happy I have that garage, as it means I have places to keep things.

That should have said Turning a reception room into a bedroom with en-suite….

I would say in response to some suggestions:

Turning a reception room with an en-suite may be impossible. You need a large reception room for that which you don’t have to walk through to reach another, with plumbing and drainage available. Costly if it can be done and may devalue the house as a family home.

A stair lift will break down, leaving you stranded, in the event of a power cut.

Please downsize to a home suitable for your future needs while you are both fit and well.

Good luck to your friends Shropshirelass . It is tales like this that worry me. People think and know they ought to move but their hearts are not in it.
Heatherbee well done you!
We are all different though, thankfully. It makes life interesting.
I managed to sell something on gumtree a few weeks ago - only another 10k items to go.

I hope DMiL will be like your mother karmalady. However she and DFiL were very unlike DH and myself. They were always moving house. They/she have only been in their current house for 15 years. They were married for 76 years and have lived in a mansion, an old church, a bungalow, a farmhouse in France and this more conventional house.

We bought this doer-upper when we were young and fit.
At least I have no problem, apart from financial, asking for help. I host volunteers too although that has dried up since covid quite a bit.

I have a walk in shower and can live in one room downstairs if I have to.