Downsizing. Have to but don’t want to

My friends are ‘downsizing’ but they don’t really want to move. Their current house is becoming a bit too much to manage, mainly the large garden. Their new bungalow doesn’t have what they were looking for and they are making do, it will not lend itself to make it how they want it. I cannot understand why they are buying something they know isn’t right for them. I just hope they will be happy, they are moving a long way from their friends. Concerned.

I've just downsized as cash-poor /asset-rich and I want to retire early, so that has to be paid for too.
I now live in a beautiful 2 bed apartment with balconies. No garden is bliss. Of course there is an annual management fee (mine is £120 a month) that includes building insurance. It pays for lift maintenance, the communal gardens, all the exterior type things, the communal area is well lit and heated.
The sense of relief is totally liberating. Yes, it will be stressful so I would recommend you use a proper estage agent and lete them take the strain. With covid I had to be out of the house during viewings, which was better for me - I just popped out and did my errands - no problem. Not sure if it's the same now.
Start to de-clutter - be ruthless - if you can!. Do you have anyone that can sell/give away things on your behalf? Facebook Market Place is brilliant, plus there are freecycle facilities.
See it as a project, and try to get into it with positivity. Why? The benefits are immense - you will soon see that, once you're sipping a cup of tea on the balcony and watching the sunset - lovely.

my mother passed 25 years ago, she stayed in that house right up to the day she had a severe stroke.

Such a cautionary tale Loulady !
And Spice and Whiff have given me food for thought so no doubt Lilypops too.

I am at an "in-between" stage. I am trying to declutter and do urgent repairs and improvements so that the house will be saleable as well as easier for just me, and not bulldozed like Spice's
I have been living in 2 rooms, a granny annexe, which I am about to let out to help pay some of the bills.
The rest of the house is freezing.

My MiL who is still in her own house, has been managing, since Lockdown began and the carers and cleaners no longer visited, with her 2 remaining DC taking turns to live with her and care for her and to keep her out of a care home/hospital. She is frail but has no dementia. Last week they had a power cut and within minutes she was freezing up. The stair lift didn't work and everything is electric from doorbell to kettle.
I rescued them to mine to thaw out.

At 73 I don't feel ready for a bungalow but I may think about a flat. DD says I must have a lift

karmalady you seem to have got everything right at least for your DM.

whiff she tells it well, downsizing is quite a journey, best to do it before it is an enforced process, when you may have to stay put or be moved to care or assisted living

What I disagree on is having to have facilities downstairs, it is very easy to have and use a stairlift to a walk in shower upstairs. My elderly mother did just that and loved her small house, in spite of having severe RA

Almost every couple ends up as one, the stress involved when that happens overshadows the stress of moving, which is best and easiest done as a couple. It would have been lovely to have had a valued second opinion and help with paperwork, decor etc. Procrastination truly is the thief of time

I don't regret for a minute downsizing and moving over 100 miles from where I lived. My husband died 18 years ago today aged 47 I was 45. But still had both parents and mother in law dependent on me so couldn't move to live closer to my children. Mom was the last to died in 2017. Unfortunately not long afterwards got jaundice from 2 sorts of tablets I had been taking for years. 5 months of being seriously ill gives you a lot of time to think. Only wanted 3 things move, lose weight and get fit. House went on the market March 2018. Luckily accepted an offer in June and found my bungalow. Day of exchange in September buyer pulled out . Devastated . Got another buyer October. March 2019 buyer pulled out 4 days before exchange. Can not describe how devastated I was. Week later got another buyer. Should have moved May but their solicitor was a a nightmare finally moved August. Luckily everytime the executors of the will waited for me as I would have been heartbroken to lose the bungalow.

House buying and selling is not easy and is stressful until you exchange people can pull out. If you are thinking about moving don't out it off do it. The paperwork alone is enough to drive you batty. And people are liars . Never believe someone is a cash buyer unless your solicitor has seen a copy of their bank account. Also it costs a fortune to sell and buy . I moved in August 2019 the costs have risen since then. Also property prices . My bungalow has increased in value by £70k .

If you want to downsize do it. My running costs are a lot less than my large 3 bed house. Also it's warmer. Bungalows are more expensive to buy but cheaper to run.

Moving is only going to get more expensive as the years go by. As you get older health problems appear and you haven't got the same energy. I moved on my own. Did all my own packing etc. Also the first couple of years in your new home is all pay out as you get it as you want. Mine was all finished before Christmas. Had everything done. So happy I moved. Love my home. Brilliant neighbours and see my daughter and family every week. Plus health care here excellent.

If you want to move do it don't wait.

Lilypops as most posters have said, it won’t get any easier to move, time marches on and TBH you could drop dead before your husband, as a neighbour of ours did a couple of years ago, leaving her infirm husband alone and unable to cope.
So the time to move is now, whilst you are still able to declutter and sort through your home to make it an easy move, then you get the movers to do all of the packing for you.
However, you say you have 3 reception rooms. Why not turn one room into a bedroom with an en-suite? in the meantime, empty the upstairs rooms of everything except the essential furniture, get thermostats for your radiators and leave them on low, close the curtains and shut the doors.
Concentrate on making your downstairs the main area of your home, at least when you are unable to go upstairs you know you will be able to live on a single floor and you will have totally decluttered.
Trust me, there is always room for a downstairs bedroom when you have 3 reception rooms, it might take a bit of jiggling around but it’s doable and whilst not cheaper than moving house, it’s less emotional.

Just to add to the above; at 75, my mum would never have imagined herself living as she was just 7 years later, or making the choices she did.

She had no dementia but with age and infirmity there are common changes and patterns. Speaking to friends in similar situations and on the Aging Parents board you hear it time and time again.

My mum was reluctant to downsize but didn’t preclude it at some vague point in the future. She loved her enormous house in a village without amenities 8 miles from the nearest town. It was an amazing house in many ways.

Her health deteriorated but she masked it for a long time and we didn’t realise how squalid the house had become beyond the kitchen. We had a battle to get her to accept a cleaner, despite her having one during my childhood. She fell several times in the house which was a death trap.

When she became unable to drive only one supermarket would deliver to the village and there was a minimum delivery charge of £7 and orders had to be above £40 which for a single woman with a small appetite was tricky.

She then deteriorated to the point where she needed domiciliary care visits. It was a nightmare as I went through the list of agencies provided by the social worker and they informed me they didn’t cover Little Village. I finally found one, - with a travel surplus charged over the hourly rate for every visit because of the location.

The bathroom was upstairs and the shower was above a bath she could no longer get in and out of so she washed infrequently with wet-wipes, and unfortunately she became very dirty and smelly, I would go and she would be wearing dirty stained clothes because she rarely wore her glasses and didn’t realise. I got calls from the cleaner and people in the village worried about the same. Mum had always been a very glamorous woman who cared about her appearance. She still did care, she was wearing filthy expensive old clothes with her jewellery and accessories carefully placed on top.

She had a final fall in the house, spent time in hospital and was then discharged to a care home as she was correctly assessed as being unable to cope in her home unless her strength an mobility improved. She never saw her home again and loathed being in the (lovely) home with old people and would only talk to the care staff. She couldn’t be persuaded to join the social activities or use the lounges or garden. There were plenty of other interesting and intelligent residents.

Mum’s last 5 years of life were full of frustrations, indignities and the closing of doors. Had she moved to a manageable accessible house close to amenities her quality of life would have been much better. It is an irony that her “independence” led to premature dependency. It was awful to live through and although I didn’t everything I could and saw her at least weekly but more often usually, from 45 minutes drive away with a full-time job and a dependent child I couldn’t do everything she needed.

It negatively affected our relationship because she saw me advocating for a cleaner and later, her accepting the need for domiciliary care, as me telling her what to do and “treating me like I’m gaga”. In the last week of her life when she was very weak, I was talking about all the lovely things we’d done over the years and how she’d made Christmas magical etc. and she got upset and said she thought she’d been “silly” and “spoilt it recently”. Of course we reassured her that she hadn’t, but I wish she’d made it a bit easier for us and above all for her.

I'm a failed downsizer. We lived in our previous home for 40 years and raised our family there. Added to that sentiment we had bought a dump and renovated it ourselves, over many years, to a very comfortable home. The property was on acreage which was why we bought it and in an area which over a short time took off in terms of development.
We held out much longer than many and it paid off for us.

5 years ago we decided it was time to move on but we had to deal with the sentiments of the property. OH is the least sentimental person on this earth so he had no issues. We spent 3 years getting a development plan in place and then sold.
The next step of buying was another marathon and it took over a year to find our current home. We did have some very specific must haves which we would not budge on. One of which was a single story home on a near flat block of land and no steps inside. At the time I was having difficulty in managing steps and suddenly that deterioated to not being able to manage them at all.
Our new home is way bigger than the old but it had to be to get our absolute must haves in the area we wanted. We are fortunate in that we are in a very sound financial position and when needed we can afford to have people do things for us. I just need to convince OH that is is fine to pay someone to do hedge trimming, lawn mowing , painting etc.

Leading up to our move I did go through many emotions but all the memories came with me. Clearing out was a challenge, I had many things that were over 50 years old, some I was given for specific achievements. Thing is I never used them but found it hard to let them go. Eventually I reconciled that by telling myself had I used them they most likely would have been broken! I don't need to be in the home to remember the events or sentiments. The worst thing for me was imagining someone else in "our" home because we had put so much of ourselves into it physically and emotionally. That however, was a non event because the house was bulldozed for the building of the new homes we planned.

We did go and watch the demolition of the house and it was quite a release of the emotions. Suddenly the circle was joined up and complete.

We had 2 moves in 12 months as we rented until we found our new home - here in Australia when we sell the date for settlement is agreed at the time of sale and the contract signed. Thus one knows exactly when they are moving. At 70/71 it was hard work even though we had the removalist pack and move us.

Atqui

Oh how I sympathise, Lilypops. Although our house is not Victorian , we are almost the same age as you and your husband ( same age gap).We can manage the house , but it will need work soon and the huge garden is too much . Friends say getting a gardener is the way to go ,but paying for this will have to come out of savings , and we had hoped the cost of moving would come out of the profit from downsizing. Our house is sold ( subject to contract ) but we cannot find anything to buy, that is not crammed into a v small plot on an estate, and living with wide open space with incredible views makes this difficult.Also bear in mind that the market is very difficult for buying at the moment: to many people chasing too few houses.
You could put your house on the market and hope that you find a patient buyer while you look. Fortunately our laws regarding house selling allow you to pull out if you don’t find anything.I’m very aware of “future proofing”: e.g. potential,for a downstairs bedroom and bathroom which may be the same for you. At the same time I wonder if we should stay where we are until one of us pops off as it will be much easier to find a suitable house for a single person. Hope this is food for thought.

Atqui. Thankyou for your input. My DH has actually said, why not leave moving till I am gone then you can decide where you want to live without considering me, that just made me feel even more tearful , but it makes sense, its just that 8 hoped to make this move as a couple, I can’t imagine moving on my own

I can understand how you feel Lilypops
We talked for years about downsizing but without much urgency and I don't believe DH was ever really keen. He became ill and died a year ago so now I am in this huge place all by myself!
I love it in the summer but it is very cold at the moment so does seem daft.
I love where it is and the surroundings.
Friends tell me different things:
I will know when the time is right.
Convert it to flats.
Build a small house in the garden just for me.
Get shot of it and all its problems -move to a much smaller place and spend any money released on travel.
Don't leave it until it is no longer your choice.
I have looked around but haven't seen anything that has tempted me yet.
I will take the plunge. I don't think I can manage many more winters here.
I hope you are able to make a decision soon.

I so agree with seacliff. Moving is always going to be easier as a couple and yes, when sadly one of you is left on your own you will have memories you have made together in your new house. I think you need to try to look on a move as a positive moving forward step rather than a negative regretting what you feel you are leaving behind one. It's just the next adventure for you both.

I agree about moving before it’s forced upon you by illness or worse. Decision-making when under pressure is dreadful and you may end up with no choice at all.

At least by doing it now, it’s under your control.

Oh how I sympathise, Lilypops. Although our house is not Victorian , we are almost the same age as you and your husband ( same age gap).We can manage the house , but it will need work soon and the huge garden is too much . Friends say getting a gardener is the way to go ,but paying for this will have to come out of savings , and we had hoped the cost of moving would come out of the profit from downsizing. Our house is sold ( subject to contract ) but we cannot find anything to buy, that is not crammed into a v small plot on an estate, and living with wide open space with incredible views makes this difficult.Also bear in mind that the market is very difficult for buying at the moment: to many people chasing too few houses.
You could put your house on the market and hope that you find a patient buyer while you look. Fortunately our laws regarding house selling allow you to pull out if you don’t find anything.I’m very aware of “future proofing”: e.g. potential,for a downstairs bedroom and bathroom which may be the same for you. At the same time I wonder if we should stay where we are until one of us pops off as it will be much easier to find a suitable house for a single person. Hope this is food for thought.

A very valid one.

This is of interest to me too, very interesting replies.

One thing that struck me, not a nice thought but eventually only one of us will be left, alone. I would much rather go through such a move as a couple, it is always a stressful time. We could support each other, and it's always good to have someone to talk through decisions with. From choice of house/area to the little things like colour of decor etc. Once the move was done, you would both feel so relieved. Then you could start making memories together in your new home.

I know many are not that lucky and have to do it alone, very hard. Just another point to consider.

I agree that it's just bricks and mortar. It's far more important to be comfortable than to hold on to the past.
We downsized last year. We made enough money from the sale to get our new place as we want it. No worries about energy prices and far less upkeep.
I'd have no qualms about downsizing again in the future.
My parents went from a 3 bed semi to a one bed flat as they wanted to enjoy life not be slaves to house upkeep. I would like the same.
Moving is not for wimps but neither is getting older.

I feel for you Lilypops.
The sensible thing to do is to make the move soon as you are unlikely to find it easy if you put it off until you’re older.
It won’t be easy on an emotional level at any time.

Calendargirl

For what it’s worth, I think the time to make the move is before you need to, not after. Plus it’s a seller’s market at the moment,which will apply to you as a buyer also of course.

You cannot live in the past, though it’s difficult to think of uprooting I know.

Totally agree. I definitely don’t want to be here on my own. Too much to go wrong and worry about. Plus it’s easier to throw things away when there are two of you.
It’s on my list of things to do.
So many of my older clients have left it too long and then the move is even more traumatic and usually comes after worrying about upkeep and gardeners etc. for years.

Lots of good advice on here Lilypops and lots to consider. I agree with Germanshepherdsmum that infirmities creep up as you age. Fast forward 10 years when you’ll be 82 and DH 98. Do you think this present house will meet your needs? If not will you be fit enough to move then?
My mother aged 97 left it too late, and she fell downstairs and hasn’t walked since. Her big house is now in a poor state of repair and her large garden needs maintenance. All these expenses to be paid for from her modest pension.
I know it’s wrench leaving a family home but I would at least have some viewings of something you can afford? Location is the main thing IMO.

We will be looking to move at some point from our home of 25 years. We love it here but our children have left the area and won’t ever return. We are in a rural area where it will be difficult to get old, with all the services having gone from our village.

I’m looking at it as a chance for another family to raise their children here and enjoy all that we’ve enjoyed over the years. Since Christmas we’ve had a massive declutter and once I got into it, I found it almost enjoyable! It is hard to part with things but I came up with a system of asking myself whether we would ever use/watch/read etc whatever the item was, or would it sit forever in a cupboard. If it didn’t fulfil some function or other, useful or aesthetic, out it went.

I also spent a bit of money on buying flat pack boxes (from the big river company) which made sorting things out so much easier.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

My husband is 88 and we hope to move soon. We have a classic three bedroomed house at moment so not too big and we love it but sometimes you have to be practical. We are moving to a fairly new detached two bedrooms house in a dearer area. We will be very near our younger son and half hour away from older son. I look forward to arranging the house and buying things like new curtains and lamps and exploring a new area. So please put a positive spin on the move. Good luck.

Don’t wait - do it while you are, as you say, fairly fit. Best decision I ever made. Well, quite frankly, divorce took it out of my hands. I stayed in the large family home, for a few years after , but it was getting too much , although I too, was younger and fairly fit. Since moving to my present house, I haven’t looked back. Although this house has 4 bedrooms (grandchildren stay over occasionally) it is compact. The garden is small and mostly paved over. No regrets whatsoever.
Your husband is 88 and quite fit, so do it now. Good luck!

We moved just before Covid struck when we were in our mid 60's. We procrastinated for a couple of years before that, as the thought was so daunting. We had a large period cottage with a very large garden. I was terrified of the fact that we often got mice in, which was something my husband always dealt with and couldn't face the thought of dealing with that on my own. I had also seen my parents struggle with a large garden, so was well aware of the problems around that. We also (mistakenly) convinced ourselves that our property was so unique and quirky that it would prove difficult to sell.

The clincher in the end was that our daughter asked us to seriously consider moving, and she was expecting our first grandchild. We did a massive clearout before putting our house on the market and it sold within a fortnight. We found a modern four bed detached house with a garage and a small garden for a considerably cheaper price than our previous house. We're still about half an hour from our daughter, we didn't want to live on their doorstep. We bought in an area where we have access to village shop, pub, fish and chip shop, doctors and about half an hour on the bus to a major city. The bus stop is a short walk from our house.

We are glad we didn't leave it any later - we are both very fit but honestly it does take its toll, the worst part in my opinion being the stressful legal work needed for buying and selling. I think you get less confident about all this the older you get.

It's very hard - maybe you could think about starting the ball rolling by getting a couple of estate agents valuations? That doesn't commit you to definite action, but it would confirm what your budget would be in you decide to move. I sympathise, it's certainly not easy to leave a beloved house where you've bought up your children and lived for many years. But I can confirm you can be totally happy in a new property and we're so glad for our new adventure. Also despite going from a 17th century cottage to a 20 year old house, the new house still throws up a few issues occasionally - nothing's perfect and there's always maintenance to be done!!!!! Good luck with whatever you decide.