Downsizing. Have to but don’t want to

The DGC love playing on the stairlift at GGM's house!
They aren't pretty but if they save you from losing your upstair's floor they are incredibly useful.

Flats v bungalows: Another thing going for a flat can be warmth if you have a flat below you. My df lives in a the upper conversion of a large stone built semi and loves it. The downstairs will be on the market soon and I asked him if he wanted the whole house. Certainly not! He is warm, has stairs but could install a lift and has a great outlook.

not always good soundproofing in new build flats or conjoined houses. Neighbours in a flat with 2 flats above, they were driven to distaction by sound travelling through pipes and any solid inter-floor construction. Sound insulation is only placed between joists etc. They could hear the washing machine, toilet flushing etcThey stuck it for three years and moved out. Our new townhouse was terraced and we could hear neighbours teenagers stomping up and down stairs. Hence me choosing detached house now, surrounded by gardens and a drive, older established people no children by me

Stairlifts can be removed if the house is sold.

Flats don’t have to be noisy Pepper. My son has a flat in London and hears nothing of the neighbours unless they are all out on their balconies when it’s like having neighbours in their gardens. A modern flat will have good soundproofing so don’t rule it out without looking around.

Stair lifts can be a boon to many and it's probably what I will get for my house, if that is what is needed. I will never be able to afford a bungalow, where I live they are way beyond my financial reach. So ugly or no, a stairlift it would have to be. I would be driven mad living in a flat, couldn't face it. A mid terraced is noisy enough, noise above and below I couldn't cope with.

re stair lifts etc, fingers always crossed that nothing is needed. I like my stairs, can still run up them for exercise

They are like that here too. And like that old song, they all look just the same. I did see one on Rightmove yesterday that was very individual, but not in an area I’d like to be. One day …!

Difficult to find one that doesn’t make you feel you’re in God’s waiting room along with all your neighbours though.

I said that to DH the other day about an area a few miles from here. He was horrified!

I quite like the word bungalow - it makes me think of the tropics with single storey houses surrounded by a verandah!
Of course, most are little boxes here.

I really dislike any kind of lift in a house. Ugly things and of course you’re stuck if there’s a power cut. I don’t find stairs easy due to arthritis and that will only worsen so one day we will move to a ‘single storey residence’ (hate the word bungalow despite having been brought up in one). Difficult to find one that doesn’t make you feel you’re in God’s waiting room along with all your neighbours though.

A friend on mine, a few years back, had her very elderly Mum come to live with them in their largish, beautiful Edwardian house, and they had one of those vertical lifts going from a corner of their hallway right into her bedroom. Worked brilliantly, and did not involve their stairway. I really do not like stair lifts - not only are they ugly to look at, but can cause problems for other stair users.

I was very surprised at how speedily, following her Mum's death, the ceiling was re-installed and no-one would ever have known there had been that hole there.

hetty, my sister and her husband would have a vertical lift if needed. I think they are ugly, unless installed out of sight, I would not want a hole cut through the ceiling either

Unfortunately, big houses, when only the ground floor is heated and ventilated can deteriorate very quickly upstairs and that area would still need to be maintained at considerable cost

One lovely old house that I viewed had been adapted for an older person. The three receptions were now used as one reception, one bedroom - and a huge, luxurious bathroom.

It had a spacious kitchen diner and conservatory, too, so it was quite possible to live on the ground floor. The upstairs could just be for guests.

Unfortunately, though, the garden was on a steep slope with a lot of steps, which put me off.

I do think stairlifts are very ugly, so I'd have a vertical lift in a corner instead (should I ever need one).

I believe the warnings about 'deprivations of assets' on here are overly pessimistic (or excuses) as we are free to give our children any amount - unless we can 'reasonably predict' that we'll need long term care.

So, unless we have a sinister diagnosis or illness, it simply doesn't apply. Most of us won't need long term care. Similarly, inheritance tax rules only apply if you should die within seven years of giving. Ok, any of us could - but still, for most of us, it's unlikely.

Lilypops, moving is exciting - rather than something to be dreaded. Your house is ideal for a family, yet impractical for an elderly couple.

Don't wait too long to make the change. It's best to do it while you're mobile and well. You'll have the opportunity to explore your new surroundings.

If you died first, your husband would be unlikely to stay - so would have to make the move by himself. Would he be able to cope?

lilypops, you mentioned not being able to afford to live in the house you are in now, if you are left widowed. Facts do need to be faced. I was suddenly widowed in 2015, was fortunately financially aware and savvy, I organised the bank accounts, savings etc and then I did probate etc

I was not fully aware of the actuality of lost income, which happened the moment that my husband died. Any that was paid that month had to be refunded. His state pension disappeared, his private pension was halved. Do some sums and get your skates on, so that your husband can play a full part in seeing you comfortably settled in a manageable affordable home

Costs: £5500 for the funeral and gathering afterwards
£20000 for moving, solicitor, estate agent, stamp duty, removals
£20000 minimum as a safety net for making a new house into a home

None of us who have moved and downized have done it lightly or for fun and not everyone has moved into the home of their dreams but everyone has done it for the most sensible and practical reasons. Personally I would have liked an old rural cottage with a large garden but with a sensible head, I bought a pretty cottage -style new build detached house with a small garden, within a nice market town. I have made this house my own

Grammaretto

Let the gransnetters know what you are looking for and I am sure they/we will help you search!

I can't even find anywhere for us!

Let the gransnetters know what you are looking for and I am sure they/we will help you search!

Germanshepherdsmum

Lilypops I’m sorry to be blunt but your husband is 88 and you recognise the likelihood that he will die before you. If you don’t move whilst he’s still with you, how will you manage alone in this house with a smaller income? You will be even less likely to want to move from the house you moved into when newly married if you are widowed, but much less able to maintain and heat the house. Your memories are in your head. They are not in your house. Please phone an estate agent to get an idea of what your house is worth so that you can look to the future and what you can buy. Days spent being tearful about this are precious days of your life and your husband’s life wasted.

I know you are right , although you were blunt and t9 the point. It’s such common sense , I know 8 wouldn’t be able to afford this house on my own or maintain its upkeep. It’s three storey and a monster to keep warm and clean. , and i always said I didn’t want to move to another house without DH with me. Now is the time. Thankyou for your advice GSM

Lilypops I’m sorry to be blunt but your husband is 88 and you recognise the likelihood that he will die before you. If you don’t move whilst he’s still with you, how will you manage alone in this house with a smaller income? You will be even less likely to want to move from the house you moved into when newly married if you are widowed, but much less able to maintain and heat the house. Your memories are in your head. They are not in your house. Please phone an estate agent to get an idea of what your house is worth so that you can look to the future and what you can buy. Days spent being tearful about this are precious days of your life and your husband’s life wasted.

Queenofsaanich69. What a thoughtful post. , We do intend to start decluttering , one room at a time, in fact I did my sewing room on Sunday when all the football was on and DH watched it all day , It felt good filling up bin bags with bits and pieces no longer needed ,
My family have all promised to help us make the move and will keep an eye out on the market for us too,
Thankyou for everyone’s very kind, caring comments ,

madeleine45

After I retired I gave 3 days a week to be a volunteer ambulance car driver in north yorkshire. So you have to have a car no more than 6 years old, clean driving license, and be crb checked. You dont take anyone who needs oxygen with them, nor people who need the actual service of the ambulance. So , in my case I lived in Richmond and took many people from the top end of wensleydale and swaledale to mostly James Cook in Middlesborough. There is a patient transport ambulance which takes up to 8 people , but of course , it takes longer to collect 8 people than 3 or 4, and you also have to wait for all the 8 to be ready to return so you are talking about most of the day, and it is not as comfortable as a private car. So I would be taking people for pre or post operation checks, eye appointments where due to the drops you have you cannot drive yourself, and when people were having radiotherapy for 5 days a week for 6 weeks a comfortable journey was appreciated. So naturally you get to know patients and they tell you there stories. Many people are very reluctant to consider moving from a loved house up the dales. But whilst at the moment they can drive and go as and where they please, any loss of sight will mean the loss of independance as there is very little bus service up the dales especially in the evenings etc. You could see and hear how people put off thinking about it. I have always been fiercely independant , and have seen people who perhaps had a stroke or had to go into hospital and could not manage at home on their own. If that happens you are forced to accept other peoples choices , due to needing help right now, so no time to work out what you want or like, and if family are concerned they may almost insist that you move closer to them, out of concern and your need to have help, but then you may lose all your built up friendships and contacts etc. My husband died 5 years ago and I stayed in my house in richmond but rather I should say I stayed inmy beloved garden. We lived there for just over 20 years, and my garden was on 3 levels , I am a galanthophile and had over 50 kinds of snowdrops, hellebores, planted trees , and had a summerhouse and it was on the edge of richmond so had both garden birds but also looked out onto open land and all the owls and hawks and buzzards etc as well. So obviously I did not want to leave, but have a bad back and now cancer and made the decision that I would make the move, partly practical , nearer hospital, trains and buses if I am unable to drive etc and a ground floor flat so that no stairs. As a professional singer I have had a piano since I was 5 years old and my hardest thing was to have to give up the piano as too large to come here. It was one of the hardest moves of my life , with covid thrown in it meant I had no help from my family and it all had to be done strictly following the guidelines. It was quite heartbreaking at the time and took me some months to begin to settle in but I was buoyed up by that feeling that it was my choice, and by doing this I still have as much of an independant life as possible. This main point has proved true. I am sat here late at night because my back is very painful and I cant do much. If I was still in the old house I would have difficulty using the stairs etc. Now I can just wander from one room to another, Yes I miss my garden , but am still sorting lots of things out here yet, but have been able to start swimming again after the baths were closed for a time due to covid. So, on the positive side I am definitely still the master (mistress) of my own destiny, still have many friends and colleagues around, sing with swale singers and I have been involved in Swaledale festival for over 20 years , and will be volunteering this year as well as singing in the festival. I am nearer to the coast, and dont have to worry about being snowed up on to p of a hill. You get that freedom of movement that you didnt realize had been lost over time. e.g. you know how up and down the weather has been, so last saturday it was sunny and bright and quite warm. My back would not let me garden or do anything special so decided to go to Thirsk. Put my picnic stuff in the boot and it was so nice I ended up going to Malton, then on to Bridlington, and back across the wolds. Had a lovely day totally unexpectedly, felt that I was doing something I wanted to after all this being shut in over covid. didnt mix with people though but really enjoyed my day with radio 3, the yorkshire post and my picnic. No worries about getting back for anyone else, could change my mind at the last minute, no worrying about the house etc, or jobs that need doing. I am , like many people, absolutely worried sick about the cost of electricity as this is a total electric flat here and I havent even been here a year to know a base cost. But I do know that it is defintely less than I would be paying at the house. So I know I have gone on and on for a bit but I just wanted you to see how something has worked out. Life always has to be a compromise , whether it is money or where you live or whatever. It is no good thinking you will just go to live near your children as they may move with their job and then you would be in a worse position, having left the familiar to be near family and then finding yourselves possibly left in an area that you dont car for. I am very anti "Ghettoising" you know all old people live in this area , all young people in that area. Here inn this market town there is a normal mix of all sorts of people , housing, and lots of opporunites. Once we feel safe to mix again, there are lots of things you can choose to join, I have driven the little white bus up swaledale, been a reader for Talking Newspaper for the Blind, been asked to help with the brownies (which I regretfully declined ) and of course have a fortnights festival coming up where I do a lot of collecting artists from the station and taking them up the dales, translating for people, spreading the word and giving out programmes etc etc. so long as it is clean I dont care about the decoration in the flat right now. Eventually I shall do something but now on good days I can do more interesting things without worrying about the tiles or the plumber etc etc and on tough days I can either stay in bed or sit up looking out at the birds and squirrel, that chases along the fence, reading my books with radio 3 on , and only a short step through to the kitchen . There have been days recently when I have really been grateful for that and thought to myself how much harder it would have been in my old house. Well this missive if you read it , will last you all morning, but I hope that it points you in the right way. My last thing I would advise, and have suggested to people trying to decide to take a job or move or whatever is this.
Think of the old concequences game and take two pieces of paper. On one piece write what you love about your home, fold it over and then each time you remember another thing add it on so it might be , the lovely smell of woodsmoke, or your lovely hamamelis scent, On the other piece write what you dont like, so the effort to bring shopping in up 6 steps to the door, or the noisy or inconsiderate neighbours you wont miss for a minute. Again fold it over and keep adding to it. Get your husband to do the same. dont show or tell each other what you are putting. Then when the page is full put it away in a drawer for about a week. So find a time when you are not too tired, but perhaps it is pouring with rain. so now again individually you look at the papers and the first thing you are doing is putting things together in groups, i.e. noisy neighbours, late night door slamming, loud music late at night, ior positive can walk to the drs in 5 minutes, local dentist has looked after your teeth for 20 years, the garden club is great etc. So when you have seen your groups then look at each others ideas. You can actually be amazed by something that didnt occur to you to mention comes up in the other persons list i'e' that flipping dog 3 doors down gets loose and comes in your garden wrecking your border,etc
It is not a competition, but you sort of then get into the trade off , so will put up with smaller garden if I can be close to the golf club or whatever. That is a good starting point, and has committed you to nothing yet, so the anxety of the thought of moving does not need to cloud your judgement and you can end up with a much clearer idea of what is important and not important. Dont forget the most important of all, you have each other and can still make the choices about what is important in your lives and you do not have to be shoved into making a hurried decision due to ill health. Dont know if you ever saw a programme called waiting for God, where diana - played by the wonderful stephanie cole is physically disabled and has to use a wheelchair or hobble about. But she has been a war correspondent and lived her life to the full and is not prepared to be talked down to etc.Well that is me! I intend to be polite where possible but no one is calling me dear or asking how are we today!! Read the poem , when I am old and wear purple by Jenny Joseph and that is my attitude to life and go for it. Every good wish and it does not matter what you decide to do in the end, go, stay, split it to flats. What counts is that it is YOUR decision as you have made decisions about your lives all the way. I hope that you will be happy together wherever you end up and would like it if you let me know what happens next!

Madeleine Thankyou for such a thoughtful post , I love all the things you suggest. , especially writing down what we like/want from a move to a smaller house,,we want to stay near friends, shops , the train station , doctors , bus routes, and my golf club,
We have all of these where we are now.
This has been our family home for 54years, we moved in after our honeymoon in 1968. It’s going to be very very hard to leave when the time comes. I am trying to be very brave, but yesterday I had a real wobble and was tearful most of the day. Silly I know. !!

Lilypops: do it while you're both fit enough, is my advice. Also, get all the help you can, from putting your house up for sale to finding the right place to suit you both. When the time comes for removal, get the movers to do all the packing! Even though this adds to the expense, it's worth every penny. I speak from bitter experience! Don't delay, it gets harder the longer you put it off. Good luck ?

That was wonderful post maddyone. So helpful and inspiring. Very thought provoking. Thank you.?

Friends of mine downsized about five/six years and have not regretted it. They said it has made them financially secure as they lived in what had become a very expensive area and moved to one where property is cheaper. All I would advise is not to move to somewhere isolated as this could be difficult in the future.

Some thoughts come to mind:

1. Moving together now will help to build up new memories should either of you find yourself living alone at some point in the future.

2. Losing a partner and having to move not too long after could be very overwhelming later.

3. Living in a big house, even if all your memories are there, could make one person alone feel more lonely.

4. Living alone in a big house when you are too old, unwell, or disabled to look after yourself, let alone look after the house, doesn't sound appealing.

Looking at the future and the practicalities of that future, and it's going to come at some point, may help you make a decision about what to do. It might help to remember that memories are not fixed in a physical building or place, they are in your mind, very close to you, and they remain with your forever, no matter where you are.

What a fabulous letter Madeline, sensible, kind and provocative you!