Running around after an elderly neighbour

I am someone who really, really struggles with placing boundaries and am a people pleaser to the extent that I frequently put myself into impossible situations trying to help various people. I know that this is a legacy from my childhood and deeply ingrained! I do not want to be like this as I tend to get burnt out and or resentful but try as hard as I might I can’t seem to shift the guilt I feel when saying no!
The people that make me mad are those that take advantage of others by constantly piling on the pressure for help when they can clearly see the helper is exhausted and run down but don’t give a dam! I am very independent and dont ask for help lightly so I do not expect others to take the micky!

OH and I helped an unwell neighbour despite him being considerably younger than us and having family very close by. We didn't seek recompense for supplying veg from our garden or for fuel when picking up medication or shopping when we were out shopping but we were both distraught when his daughter accused us of stealing from him after he died. We had never been in his house without him there and we were frequently out of pocket for his shopping. Her accusations nearly broke us.............awful woman!

Yes it happened to me too. I walked her dog weekly for my disabled neighbour and was then gradually asked to do more and more. I think that is the problem, it is gradual until it is overwhelming. My main job seemed to be sorting out her insurance when she had a knock in her car - on one occasion, I picked up her shopping from the garage to which the car had been towed only to be accused of taking her double cream! I was able to tell her that it was stuck to the inside of the car - and now my jeans! She became so unpleasant when my husband became ill that I just stopped having anything to do with her. And I don't get caught like that again.

Sometimes being a kind neighbour is not in the best long term interest of the elderly person. When my partially sighted mother was widowed she became increasingly in need of care. I suggested that she moved to sheltered accommodation near to where I live so that I could keep an eye on her, organise suitable care and take her out. She refused, saying that she was ‘independent’ and the neighbours helped. She could not recognise that it was the neighbours, voluntary organisations and regular Carers that enabled her to stay in her house. Only after several hospital admissions and finally being discharged home at midnight unable even to get a glass of water did the neighbours realise that their kindness was not enough. It was only delaying the inevitable and my mother was urgently moved to a care home.

Reading these posts the message is clear - set your own boundaries from the start, keep alert and trust your instincts. Sometimes we (mainly women) like to be of help - it’s good to be needed isn’t it?

I once had an old neighbour who was what was then called “a dirty old man” in every sense and I would avoid him as much as possible for obvious reasons. One Sunday a social worker came to my door asking if I had heard the neighbour calling for help, I hadn’t, and who would know the difference between him calling for help and his v loud radio? The SW gave me the filthiest of looks and used our phone to call the police so she could gain access to the house. I did feel a little glow of smugness when the police officer, sighed deeply with a “not him again”
The point here is that as a woman I was supposed to be caring about elderly neighbours - but I know it was him who took my dance leotard off the washing line (never saw it again - probably wouldn’t have wanted it back anyway) Still makes my flesh crawl.

My motto is “ two strikes and they’re out” if I think someone is trying to use my good will and kindness.

Be kind but don’t be a doormat.

Over the years I have learned to set boundaries and to say no to things that do not suit me You are only put upon if you allow it

I have no neighbours thankfully

biglouis
A description I learnt on GN a while ago was that people can sometimes be described as drains or radiators.

Some drain you of your energy, time and leave you exhausted.
Others radiate warmth and positivity.

Learning to say No in a pleasant but firm way is a positive thing to do.

If you never say 'no' , what is your 'yes' worth?

Yes it has happened to me. Several years later it is still too painful to talk about in any detail. My life was taken over by an old 'friend' who asked to come and stay with us for two weeks while her neighbours were on holiday. That could not work as we didn't have a spare room, so foolishly I agreed to go to her. It turned into a nightmare. She didn't want me to leave and when I did she phoned us in the middle of the night sometimes and every weekend needing me to go and sit with her. I was working full time in our family business and the experience nearly broke me. It went on for somewhere in the region of a year. My family didn't know how I had let it happen. Nor did I. It ended badly. I have recently joined a newly formed friendship group and someone suggested that we offer out numbers in case anyone had an emergency. I suddenly felt very trapped and didn't respond. I am not a mean person but I could not face being used like that again. The little old lady act was an act. The person who did it to me went on to do it to her new neighbours and to another couple who befriended her at church when she moved house. They got in touch when she died. She had done the same stuff to them and nearly driven them crazy with her demands.

I worked in an office where the ‘junior’ was sent out each week to get the head of depts green grocery shopping list (from his wife). She had to go to the market on the other side of Leeds and lug back carrier bags of food. One day she was feeling poorly, so I said I’d go. I took the list, went to the much nearer M&S. Of course it cost twice as much as going to the market. No one was ever asked to do his shopping again.

@eva3 . Giving someone ‘down the banks’ means giving them a good telling off .

I've told this before, but maybe not on here. My SIL rented rooms from an elderly lady who lived alone in a large house. It was fine for years, then as the lady got more frail she started having accidents (after doing silly things like climbing on chairs etc)
My SIL had to take her to A&E several times, and started to dread coming home.
After the last time, a nurse asked if she'd got anyone at home to look after her, and she said "yes,[SIL]"! The next day my SIL went to an estate agent and started looking at houses!

Communicating in an assertive way is all that's needed to deal with a high maintenance neighbour/friend irrespective of their age. Many years ago I used to teach negotiation skills and assertiveness (on an academic course) to business people engaging in overseas trade. It was amazing how many were either passive or aggressive and couldn't understand why they always came out with a poor deal (passive ones) or no deal at all (aggressive ones). Now as a psychotherapist I see many clients who complain of being 'put upon' by friends and relatives, and it all comes down to respecting the boundaries you want to see for yourself and communicating that.

Personally, I would do anybody a favour if I had the time and resources but I would always say something like "You're lucky, I can do this for you now because ...." On occasions when I don't want to do the favour I will say "Sorry you're unlucky today (or this week) as my time's all spoken for".

It's up to everyone to say what they can and can't do, and I sometimes wonder whether people who moan about being taken for granted or being put on have ever really stated their position.

1summer that story was heartbreaking, but the punchline was brilliant!

Not quite the same but years ago we had a lovely elderly day who lived on her own. I regularly asked if she needed any help with anything but she always said no. For a long time she always bought my children Easter Eggs and Christmas presents and we got her a hamper. She started to get frail, but insisted her daughter and grandson would do her shopping. One day I called around and she was upset her horrible family were coming every week and taking £50 off her for shopping only to come back with £10 of food. And she had caught her grandson stealing from her. Next time I saw daughter Volunteered to do her shopping and was told to mind my own business. They never took her out or invited her for Christmas. A year later she died and daughter was crying on my doorstep saying her Mum had left everything in her will to Sunshine Homes for the Blind. I was so happy!

No matter what I do for my neighbour he's still a grumpy, thankless old man.

Weaponised incompetence. It has its place.lol

Years ago I shared the school run with a neighbour who couldn't drive. We mostly alternated but I did more in bad weather and her when it was nice weather. Then she learnt to drive and she was no longer interested in sharing the school run. I guess when she gets old she may become such a 'user'. On two occasions I was called by the school as my children hadn't been collected, Her excuse " I couldn't see them so thought you'd picked them up yourself" as if I'd have done that without telling her! Eventually we fell out as one of her sons and his friends started bullying my son and daughter. It was so bad at one point we had to involve the police. She would never accept what her son was up to as he lied about it saying my son started things. I found out the truth from another neighbour's child!

Thankfully we moved away when my ex's job changed and I've had lovely neighbours where I am. After 18 years here I'm the 'old lady' now with younger neighbours. One cuts my hedge when he does his, though I never asked him to. He always said "If you need anything let us know" during lockdown, though I'm still relatively young and fully independent. The only time I've asked for help was when I needed some things moved around in my loft so I asked his teenage son, but paid him for his trouble.
Most people are happy to offer help when not being taken advantage of but we have to be prepared to say no when it becomes an imposition and we start to resent it.

I haave had a similar experience to other people. A friend of 40 years who lives in town asked me to come and help her complain about a bed she had bought. I will not detial the whole saga here but she expected regular support via shop, the expert witness, the ombuds man. I told her that this was a job for her son, she has two. She claimed neither of them could help her. One is a reitred police man so I sad she should repsir her relationship and ask him. I did agree to find out the cost of an expert witness for her side, and to type up the narrative she told me over how she came to buy the iten in the first placs and what she expected it to do. I said I would put the information in the post.

I think it is highly likely I will not be seeing her again.

At one point when working part time, with two young children and an OH who worked long hours and did nothing at home, I had the task of the shopping and paperwork, making cups of tea and generally spending some social time with an old uncle and an old neighbour. They were both undemanding, grateful and good fun to spend time with, but I was like a frenzied wall of death rider with three households to shop for, and all the associated time consuming matters. Old uncle died and old neighbour went into a care home. Within no time at all after those events I had a call from a woman on a committee with which I was involved who said she was having an 'emergency' and could I bring my car? The emergency turned out to be that she had bought too much shopping and wanted a lift home. Her husband rang me a few days later to say the car had broken down and could I come to collect him? He was about two miles away, on a bus route, and on the way back I said perhaps next time they were in such difficulties they could get on the bus or ring for a taxi - my car was neither. That went down badly , but luckily that was the end of the liberty taking - I subsequently saw them being ferried about by another harrased looking neighbour!

I find it works both ways but I do try not to ask for any help.

One of my neighbours sorted out eg a new router and got Alexa up and running again but if they go away for a long weekend, I will look after their house and put the bins out.

I still drive so if they want a large parcel picked up I will happily do it. If I thought I was becoming "needy" I would put a gun to my head. Now and again I take them out for a meal to say thank you.

'Down the banks', I'm originally from Liverpool and we use the phrase a lot. It means a good telling off!
I believe its origin is Irish.

i used to do it, only this morning i sat down and counted 8 people who played this trick on me in the past 12 years.
why did i do it? the roots of it were in my childhood,having to rescue a mentally ill mother from a mentally ill father,spent until i was 66 trying to rescue mentally ill people.It cannot be done,the cost to myself has been great,it has affected my mental health,glad to say Im on the mend.Don't
fall for abusive people.there is lots of information about this subject,enabling/co dependency etc.

Biglouis - I was in the same position some years back - started looking out for the elderly lady that lived opposite me - began chatting in the communal garden - hanging out washing - I would simply hold the door open for her as she came in/out.Her unmarried useless lump of a son lived with her and she was pegging out washing in her eighties.From then - I started picking up a bit of shopping for her in town - not easy - she needed gluten-free products - had to search the store for these.They had their shopping delivered and I offered to help her put it away when her son was at work.As time went on - I was being asked to come over and put the shopping away even when her son was in and being asked to peg out their washing when he was sitting on his backside in the lounge.One day I was late coming home from work and their shopping had been delivered and she rang me - I heard him in the background saying - 'Is she coming or not ?'.I was fuming obviously.One day she rang and left a message on voicemail - she was having an 'emergency'.I was wallpapering at my daughter's home at the time - she lives in the same road - so I quickly went to my neighbour's home to be told - that she couldn't find the remote control.They even rang me for help on two consecutive Christmas days before she passed away.When she was in hospital and not expected to live long - her son knocked my door and asked would I go to the hospital with him.I felt bad but found the courage to say 'no' - I felt manipulated by both of them - because although I really did not mind helping her - I felt used - when he was at home and I was there doing the things that he should have been doing.Before she went into hospital,she was ringing when she needed help to dress/go to the toilet,etc and I really did not mind doing this - coming from a 'care' work background but after realising he was there on many occasions and just didn't or wouldn't help his Mum I got very resentful.