Running around after an elderly neighbour

yes, something similar. although i have undertaken to do some tasks, i recognise how the adult son is always excused duties, as if he is a child, or just doesn't know how to do things, what to buy, because as she herself says, he's never done those things.
well, quite.
i guess as he is a high status person for her, he is not to be put upon, to bother himself with anything that he finds boring.
whereas i, being only a neighbour, can be inconvenienced and put upon ad infinitum.

When I was living in London my neighbour looked out for her elderly NDN and he ran her a merry dance - she spent her lunch hour searching for his 'particular' biscuits, had to use holiday to take him hospital appointments etc. He did have family who didn't visit or seem to care, and she felt obliged . When he died (she found him dead on the toilet,heart attack) the family accused her of stealing money from his underwear drawer. Ghastly.

I vowed then never to get involved with anyone, but when I moved to this bungalow immediately got involved with someone opposite. Luckily she did get carers in, and is now in a home. It is sad so many people have to rely on kind strangers.

Eventually the needy neighbour moved to the other side of the city and I breathed a sigh of relief.

Months passed.

Then she rang me needing her DLA form filled up again. So why can your son not take you to the citizens advice who will do it for you? She began to whinge and promised me that her son would give me a lift to and from her house to do it. Like a fool I agreed.

It took HOURS to fill out the form and numerous cups of tea because she kept losing concentration. While this was happening her son sat drinking beer and watching football.

Guess what?

He couldnt drive me back because he had been drinking and I had brought no money with me for a taxi. There was no offer to pay my fare back so I had to call a cab to go right across the city (not cheap) and then make the cabbie wait while I ran into the house for cash (this was long before Ubers or paying by card)

Next day my nephew rang the woman and gave her "down the banks". He told her very harshly that if she or her son contacted me again he would charge them with harassment and send the police around. I blocked her number and have never heard from her since.

Sometimes you just have to be callous.

A former friend took my help from granted too many times.
When I called her a"user", she was shocked.

Of course its not only older people who can dig their claws in and demand "services".

When I was at uni as a mature student I was friendly with a younger girl (Elaine) who did some volunteering. She was latched onto by a woman in her 30s who was pregnant for the second time and who wanted a great deal of attention - despite having a social worker in tow. She wanted Elaine to come and witness the birth and kept nagging her. She was constantly turning up at the shared house and hanging around whinging. This was Elaine's final year and she was depending on getting a good 2/1 but this woman was sucking the life out of her.

One day she turned up uninvited and began to monopolize the conversation when I had a real go at her. I told her she was an emotional vampire sucking the life out of my friend, who fled in embarrasment to her room. The two housemates waded in as well and she was told to leave. She was stunned and her mouth fell open that someone had seen through her "helpless little me" act

When Elaine finally emerged from her room we three persuded her to go visit her parents for two weeks to let things cool down. I gave her access to all my lecture notes and the housemates withheld any contact information and would only say she had gone to visit her parents. While Elaine was away the child was born and we saw no more of the CF. We assume she got her claws into someone else.

Often physically removing oneself is the answer because the needy person will have to shift for themselves while their "helper" is away. This is a good opportunity to step back and continue to be unavailable (or only partially available) when you return and set up some boundaries.

I'm on the Passive Aggressive scale so I'm afraid in these sorts of situations if someone was being a pain and needed my help to fill in forms, do their washing, do their shopping etc. I would make a mess of it. Spoil their clothes, make the form out incorrectly, buy the wrong things. Then they would stop asking. I was once asked/told at work to make the coffee and put biscuits on plates for a meeting I wasn't even part of. It was a way of saving money for the department instead of ordering it from the staff restaurant. I was very angry but didn't let it show. The tables with cups and saucers etc were to be laid out on the table which had a tablecloth someone organising the meeting had brought in from home. Two filter coffee makers were produced with coffee and filters and I was told it all had to be ready for the meeting to start at 10am. I set the table collected the cups and saucers and I duly filled the filter coffee machines with water and coffee, switched them on and went back to my office. Oh dear, we will never know if it was a mistake or not but being unfamiliar with filter coffee machines I had omitted to put the filters in the machines. When the delegates went into the room for the coffee the floor around the table was swimming in grainy brown mess, the tablecloth was ruined and the biscuits sodden. I was told off and I had to admit to having never used a filter coffee machine. It was suggested I paid for a new tablecloth and I said no way Jose (my exact words) and when a claim was put into expenses it was turned down as they should have used the caterers! The carpet always had a stain on it which amused me every time I went in that meeting room. My punishment? I was told in no uncertain terms I would never be asked to make coffee for meetings again. Hurrah! At the time I had been working for that organisation for over 20 years and had been promoted a few times and none of those positions was ever Tea Lady.

I suppose this is all to do with strength of character and being able to say no.
It’s so simple but so very difficult also not many of us can do it.

It’s not easy to say no but I think you have to if someone is laying more and more and more at your table especially if you know they have other help

I will help anyone but the second I sniff taking advantage THATS IT !!

I will never be direct in saying This has gone far enough and upset the person who is taking advantage because i would find it sad in a way, I know some will look at me aghast and ponder just where the word sad comes into it, but thats my personal take on it.

I went on an assertiveness course once and the first thing we did was to learn to say "no". We also learned how to respond when someone accused us of being "selfish".

"I hear what your saying but I also have the right to consider my own needs and on this occasion I intend to do so."

There are also some wonderful Mumsnet phrases:-

"That doesnt work for me so Ill leave it with you"

"From xx I will be stepping back from yyy"

and my favorite conversation closer:

"Ill have to make a charge for that. Let me think about it and ill get back to you with a price."

Never yet had anyone come back and ask what my price was.

I agree dogsmother it's just as important to be able to say 'no' as it is to say ''yes'.

Love the story about the coffee! Men use this technique all the time to get off with doing their share of housework.

Learned incompetence biglouis. My brother is a past master at it.

biglouis I'm glad you did the assertiveness course because I was aghast that you got involved with the neighbour a second time.

I twice gave an older neighbour a lift to the local shop (in the countryside, shop about 3/4 mile away) although I knew her husband could drive and her daughter's family also lived close by and hated us and had a car.

The 2nd time, I noticed that her carrier bag was clanking and seemed to be all bottles.

The 3rd time she phoned, I said she should ask her daughter for help, not me.

Well done, notgran.

There are always those that rush to help and those that will put upon others, quite ruthlessly. I saw it happen recently within a group of close friends. One is organising what is clearly going to be wedding of the year; no children are invited but a cousin 'didn't realise' and is coming with a 14 month old; did anyone know of a babysitter who could look after the baby during the wedding?
Up steps the fall guy (not me); over seventy, serious medical conditions and in pain waiting for a long deferred operation. It transpires the 'wedding' comprises the service, the wedding breakfast, and the evening do until 11.30pm, in fact , about a twelve hour shift. The parents and grandmother will graciously take charge during the two hour break before the evening starts. The friend thought she was supervising the baby during the service only but having agreed, won't, being very conscientious, back out: 'I can't let them down'.
I suggested the bride contacted the local college course where they train nursery nurses and pay a trainee for the day, but somehow they didn't hear that.

In our block of 25 flats, we have several very elderly people. Our voluntary committee likes to feel that we can offer some assistance, short term, to anyone here. So, someone is unwell or just home from hospital, we are happy to pick up prescriptions, pick up the odd loaf or milk for those first few days.

We have to make it very clear now that this is done by individuals, and we are not a 'Care Home'. Whereas, the majority accept such assistance in this manner, there is always the one or two who seem to accept it as their right and then make more and more demands.

There is one who is very lonely and would get one of us to his flat on any pretence and then we would find it virtually impossible to get away. Cttee member would be telephoned under any manner of excuse, usually for things nothing whatsoever to do with them. There is a family member who is very sympathetic, but lives too far away for often visits. Suggestions to that person would be so much happier and better off in a Care Home, where they would have the attention and company they crave - are always met with total opposition by them.
So, we, the cttee members have had to get quite hard-hearted and strict with this person. Feel bad about this, but it really has been the case of 'give an inch.......' etc.

Interesting about the remote family member being resistant to the idea of a care home Franbern.

I think greed for inheritance of the house sale money is the reason my aunt's friend's daughter hasn't taken any action. Her Mum is being left in her home on her own to cope with vascular dementia and she phones my aunt at all times of the day and night. It's been over a year since the Mum/daughter estrangement ended and contact re-established. The daughter told my aunt she was taking her Mum back to live with her on the mainland, it hasn't happened.

eazybee can no-one step in to say they won't allow the person to be taken advantage of, in that way?
To make the relatives take the baby back after the service?

Inefficient relatives probably are inefficient . If a kind person wishes to be helpful they need to limit what they do to what seems to them to be needed i.e. the minimum to maintain life and sanity.

My late friend had another friend, a helpful next door neighbour, a retired lady who limited her once a week sociable chat to one hour every Sunday and kept the arrangement going until my friend died in hospital.

A few years ago I stopped going to an organisation for older people which I really enjoyed because another member latched on to me once she found out I had a car. She bombarded me endlessly with phone calls for lifts, and even got me to pick up other friends of hers as well. After a particularly horrendous journey through town at rush hour, taking various friends of hers home, I decided enough was enough and resigned from the organisation.
And the most amazing thing was, a couple of years later I joined a Tai Chi class, and the first person I saw when going there was the lady mentioned above. But the real shock came at the end of the lesson, in the car park when I saw her get into a very nice car and drive herself away!! She had a car!!!
I don't let anyone take advantage of me now.

notgran story reminds me of a time when I was asked to make tea and coffee for a meeting. I was working in a different department but was the only female on that floor. I listened attentively while it was outlined that I would be expected to make tea or coffee as required, clean up the room after the meeting and then wash the crockery used. After all that had been outlined I just said "no".

My "lack of co-operation was reported to the manager and I was called into his office to "explain myself"

I pointed out that the meeting had nothing to do with the department I was working in and in any event nowhere in my contract did it say I was to provide such services, I then went on to suggest that as they were all adult males they should be capable of making tea and coffee for themselves.

The manager looked uncomfortable, cleared his throat and said "I see what you mean". Nothing more was said and I was never asked again!

Think I gave a wrong impression. The relative is very keen in getting his Uncle into a Care Home. Would be so much better for him and he would have the company he craves and would also eat much better. It is the person themselves who is totally resistant to the idea.

The nephew also set up an arrangement for really good quality meals to be delivered as all that person eats is sandwiches. When he visited a couple of weeks later, found all those expensive meals in the rubbish bin!!!!

I do understand the problems of taking away rights of someone about deciding what is best for them, but it can make life very difficult for caring relatives, etc.

It is sad, as I have seen several people hide round corners or rush through a door, when this man comes into any of the public areas of the flats.

Dh’s old aunt lived in a similar block, Franbern. Fine for several years, but when the time came that she couldn’t manage, although she had plenty of money she absolutely loathed parting with any of it, so expected neighbours to help her ‘for love’.

Her lovely and much put-upon cleaning lady* did a lot, too, including doing her shopping and then being berated for not having gone to a different shop for the butter, where it was 1p cheaper!

We lived a good 2 hour drive away, so popping in was out of the question, and within a few days she invariably sent any carers dh arranged for her, packing.

As a result I’d have her neighbours (mostly elderly and decrepit themselves) on the phone wailing that they just couldn’t cope any more.

She once also expected dh, who was knackered after a long night flight for work, to visit her now. For no real reason, other than that he was expected to dance attendance. He went, though.

He did eventually manage to get her into a nice care home, but it was an utterly exhausting, drawn out process which she resisted every step of the way. And although by then she’d got to the stage where she couldn’t get herself to the loo during the night, she afterwards told everyone who’d listen that she was only there because her nephew had ‘made’ her go.

*After the aunt died, dh and his brothers made a deed of variation to her will, in order to send a very nice cheque to the cleaning lady.

In the past we have given a lot of regular help to very frail, elderly neighbours who we’ve known for many years and are very fond of, but TBH it was getting too much. Thankfully, after one of them had yet another fall and was admitted to hospital, carers 4 times a day were arranged - long overdue - and we now rarely get a call at all.

Notagran ?