I’m worn out and I really don’t think I’m not cut out to be a doting grandparent.

When our first grandchild was born my daughter and I went into a coffee shop with him. Whilst there I picked up a copy of The Guardian - I remember the article well from that July day in 2012. It said “I want to be a grandma not a surrogate mum. I want to be the fun, extra pair of hands now and again grandma, not factored into regular childcare’. It resonated with me then and I stuck to it. Call me selfish but ‘me’ time is very important otherwise I think resentment creeps in. And an arrangement becomes ‘the new normal’. I’ve listened over the years to worn out grandparents who see no end to timetabled childminding “I did it for one so it’s only fair”.

I know talking about the menopause has suddenly become very trendy but please don't underestimate the impact it can have on you. It left me depressed and exhausted. I didn't want to go out etc. See if you can find a sympathetic GP who understands the menopause.
I have 3 children, all in their 20s. I love them dearly but I've never been keen on other people's children. I'm looking forward to grandchildren one day but I don't intend on taking on regular childcare.

Tezhar - I have five AC, four with their own children -now, thank goodness all growing up.
I idolised (suppose still do) my children (my youngest, tragically died at the age of 25 years old). So much wanted, and enjoyed being a Mum. Never really wanted to be a g.parent, although probably was inevitable.

Yes, I love my eight g.children - mainly because they make my children happy - and anything and anybody who do that has my extended bubble of love extended over them.

However, I am not - and never have been a doting Grandma. Did help out with one of them, as daughter lived near to me and was a single Mum, making a way up her career ladder. Even then, I kept it to once or twice a week - no more. That child is now at University.

Definitely not 'doting' - I do see their faults - maybe more than some of their parents do. I would be quite happy if just my children visited me (or it was just them when I visit). I am more thank happy with photos and occasional video of g.children - rather than actually the reality of them in real life.

My two older daughters recognise this and understand it. My two younger do not- and think that I am totally delighted to be with their daughters and, (worse), want to play endless board games with them!!!

I do admit that I love visiting my Son and his wife - who have chosen to be childless

I am the same, devoted mum and love seeing and sometimes having grandchildren.. how ever I am not always available and am not making grandchildren my main focus or babysitting always when asked. I am in my 50’s and everyone wants something until I’m no longer needed, so I’ve made it that I am living life and my grown children and grandchildren are a small part of it. There are a lot of posts on here of grand that carry on being childcare and babysitter, and when the grandchildren grow up they are completely lost. Feel lonely and not needed. You sound like you have a healthy outlook on what a nanny’s role should be or you’ll loose yourself.

My mother was never a doting grandparent to any of my 3, she preferred to be a postal granny, then her later two grandsons arrived now (17 and 15) and the children of her beloved son. She moved house from Scotland to East Anglia inside 2 months for them and hardly ever sees them now that they are teenagers. Live your life, enjoy yourself and let them come to you.

i guess if you've still got minor children, you cannot quite yet escape all the restrictions on your time.
but gradually, as they become more self-running, you can develop your own interests, ambitions, pleasures.
your life is not endless drudgery. you started early with adult responsibility, but the advantage is that you can be free earlier. you are still young enough to enjoy having time to yourself.
you don't have to take on any responsibilities re GC; just be an occasional fun granny. gangsta gran?

You are an amazing woman Tezhar to have overcome bad and difficult experiences in your life and raised your own family.

In addition to all the great supportive comments you can find above I’d just add don’t blame yourself for not yet quitting smoking. I’ve known some very strong people who didn’t quit - uncles who distinguished themselves in service in WW2, a friend who prioritised dealing with her alcoholism. The tobacco industry is to blame.

By all means do what you can, as you are by sharing here, to find good ways to take some of the weight off your shoulders. Best wishes.

I think the whole point here is that you say you have devoted your entire life to your children and feel that you are only valued for what you give them.

Anyone who has done as you probably feels the same.

However much you love your children, they are adults now, and you are, on your own admission, ready to let them get on with their own lives. I bet your children are thankful that you are letting them get on with things themselves. I would have been thrilled if my mother had kept her nose out of every little detail of my life from the day I left home at 16 and until the day she died when I was your age!

You love your grandson, but he is precisely that; your grandson. It is not your job to provide free day-care. His parents should have thought about that before having him.

See the bairn and his parents, aunts and uncles when and as you like.

Get out there and do all the things you haven't had time for while you were bringing up your children.

Right now you are worn out, that will pass, you know, You are 52 - I am 70 and I can assure you the last 20 odd years of my life have been great fun, because I took the time to do the things DH and I wanted to do, rather than a whole load of stuff we felt we HAD to do.

Tezhar, I feel just the same. Having brought up four children, then a grandchild, I'm not about to start again! I do love to see them (with a parent), go on family outings etc. and don't mind the odd day's babysitting - still, no regular arrangements or extended stays are welcomed. My kids wouldn't expect any more and they know exactly how I feel.

I have a system that works for me and for my kids. I have 11 grandchildren all of whom live live some distance away. We all gather together once a year for a big Christmas do, and I see each family separately three or four times a year. On very rare occasions, I have one or two of the children to stay with granny as a special treat. I love them all dearly, and the time we spent together is very special, but I don’t have much day-to-day input into their lives, and it’s really not my business to provide free babysitting or childcare. My children and their spouses don’t expect it, and I don’t offer. I’ve made it clear to them that in an emergency, of course I’ll give them any support that they need, but I’m the last person that they call in, not the first.

I have a very consuming job, so my days off and holiday time are necessary for me to recover and continue to be able to operate within my profession. Setting these clear boundaries, respecting my children’s autonomy as parents, and their respecting my autonomy, does not mean that there’s any lack of love.

I had 2 children which was perfect for us and certainly didnt want anymore...here I am in My mid fifties and I look after My Grandaughter who is 15 mths once a week from 7.15 until 5.30 and I absolutely love having her...I do feel tired after she has gone and I do have a supportive partner not her Grandfather ....
I think perhaps You need to have an honest chat with Your children after all it's not their fault you had them Ha ha

Oh don't criticise yourself just yet. Wait until you have grand children and you might feel differently. Remember you are not responsible for them, your days for that are over. Just enjoy them and remember if it gets too much you can hand them back to their Parents.

Your normal, I was never the doting kind. They live 500yards from us , always been the practical one when I retired 9years ago for 5years I did 11 morning and 6afternoons a month, SIL works 28day sift patten. Before this they went to school clubs I asked if I could do it, they helped me adjust to my newlife. I am always here at the end of a phone when they moved local to us DD and SIL made a rule for both houses call first.

I don’t ask my mom to babysit any of mine. I keep them close and breastfeed until they are done with it naturally. Ds is still going as were my dd’s past age two. I know I won’t see them much after their teen years not that they don’t have full and varied life because they do. My role is to be here at home with them and for them. I wouldn’t want anyone else bringing up my children. I can’t work though, not by choice so maybe had that decision not been made for me I would’ve still been working and life would be different. I’d hate to work full time and be away from them so much when they are so young. But needs must I suppose.

I am sure you are exhausted from expending all your energy on your own 5 children. You need a break. You are quite young for a grandma and I think your own children could reasonably expect to understand you need and have a right to a little life of your own .
Like SueD, I have 4 fully grown children whom I love dearly .
I have 4 grandchildren from the older 2 children .
I guess I can probably expect afew more though who knows?
I adore my grandchildren and love spending time with them .... but not too much.
I'll happily babysit but not all then time.
I'm 66 , still working and enjoy my own busy life.
Hope you manage to find a happy medium that works for all the family xxx

Just say no to any hints or requests of child caring. I’d hate to be looking after small grandchildren & tied down on certain days of the week. I’ve done my part, now they can do the hard grind. I love the freedom of no work, no responsibilities.

Distance means that we can’t provide childcare,but we do help a bit financially. Our granddaughter loves nursery and gets far more fun and stimulation than two seventyish grandparents could provide.

A man I knew said he was going to be a NPG ( non participating grandparent). Despite living very close to his DS and family. He said he would be there for emergencies and pleasure, but not be on a timetable. He stuck to it too. He died a while ago. I wonder if his DGC will remember him?

I adore my grandchildren and as the two oldest (6 and 3) live literally round the corner we see a lot of them. The 3rd one ( 10 months) lives about 20 minutes away .the other GPs live hundreds of miles away so we are the on call GPs. It is exhausting. We are 67 and 69 and both still work part time. Sometimes ( well, often really), I wish we were further away. But I also try to appreciate how valuable this time is. I always remember how very very close my AC were to their gran as a result of her input in their younger years. I hope our GC will feel the same about us as they grow older. But I do know that between now and then they will go through the " do we have to go and see them" phase.

I'm 66 and my husband is 64
We have our 2 year old grandson 2days a week depending on his daddy's shift pattern his other grandparents have him the other two days we pick our 6year old granddaughter up from school one day a week. Have another two grandchildren in Scotland who we try to see as often as we can... Whilst I understand this isn't everybody's ideal.. at the risk of sounding a bit twee absolutely love every minute of it

I am so glad to read these comments because I have felt quite guilty about not being a completely doting grandparent. I love the grandchildren and enjoy spending time with them in small doses but not too much. I think it's partly due to having three of my own very close together, then the 7 grandchildren all arrived within 7 years. I was also Primary school teacher for nearly 40 years as well so I do enjoy child free time!

Thezar - I was sad to read your post. You have done so well to have got through the care system and raised your children - who sound a good lot who are doing well. You don't need to raise their off spring. Time to look after yourself. You sound as though you could do with a girly day out and share your worries with a friend. Most of us GPs adore our GC but are glad when they go home and we can relax. Hope you are coping ok with you LC treatment. take care - you are doing a great job - hugs and flowers

I'm with you on this. Have 5 fabulous grandkids and their parents are doing well career wise. But hang on! I never said I was going to spend my years from 65 up minding these children! I find it boring and too tiring. There I have said it. If it is a dire situation of course I will try to step in to help. But I'm going to be frank. I really don't want to. Having raised 5 kids of Mt own I have actually had enough.

I love my 3 DGSs and love to babysit have them stay over or take them out to give their Mum and Dad a break.
However I would not and have never been asked to have any of them on a regular basis. Far too tiring and it would take the fun out of having them.

I feel for you OP, and I’m sorry you feel so low. Depression can take away the joys of life. I love my grandchildren and do enjoy spending time with them - but sometimes I can’t wait for them to leave. It’s hard work and I sometimes crave peace! I have made a rod for my back by initially being the ‘fun’ grandma, and they now expect me to be all singing and all dancing. The love for your grandchildren is a different sort of love - and it doesn’t mean they mean any leas to you. Look after yourself OP. I hope you can find some help and start to enjoy life again x