Please help me get through my daughters marriage split

I’ve posted this to the wrong forum thread and don’t know how to change, any answers are still gratefully received. I guess it is kind of house and home!

I can't advise you, but I would feel just the same as you regarding your granddaughter being taken on dates.

The thing to remember though, is that hopefully, as far as she is concerned, mummy just has a new friend, which isn't so terrible, is it?

I feel for you. Family break-up is a terrible thing, especially when there are young children involved. It is one of those things that life throws at us and we feel the rug has been pulled from under our feet.

You know what I am going to say though because I think you already know. There is nothing you can do. These people may be behaving in an immature way but they are adults and are responsible for their own behaviour. Unfortunately they are also jointly responsible for the well-being of a child.

Do what you can for yourself. You will be no good to anyone if you are a gibbering wreck- so self care is the best thing to do to help them.

Then, listen. They don't want your opinion because it throws those bad feelings they already have right back in their faces. Be patient- offer practical help without being taken advantage of, if they ask for it.

Your GD needs your steady presence- she doesn't need another distressed adult around, be a beacon of calm in a world she may find be finding too confusing. Do normal things with her.

I really hope this all works out because you sound like a caring mum and granny. It sounds like you are in for a turbulent time but you can and will weather this storm.

JTH65 - it’s hard - I’ve been through divorce myself and so has my daughter. I think her divorce affected me more, for some reason. I knew how much she loved him. She still loves him, I think. She has had one or two ‘dates’ but nothing came off it. She has 2 children, now 22 and 23. She has worked hard to educate them. He has another child by the girl he left my daughter for. My daughter is a strong girl, has a good job and
will survive, just like her mother ……..
So, don’t worry - there’s nothing you can do, but support her. Taking her daughter on ‘dates’ is a bit unusual, but acceptable, I suppose. She knows what’s best. I can understand you are worrying about your granddaughter, but it’s her daughter.
Just hope that it all works out. Good luck !

keepingquiet is right.
If you maintain a secure and steady presence for your little granddaughter that would be a blessing. Just be as stable as you can. Do normal things with her.
Try to enjoy your time together and in due course your daughter will also regain her balance.

She probably feels suddenly free to do as she wants as her relationship with her husband was obviously hard to manage. He has only just left so now it's like releasing the steam from a pressure cooker. She will go a bit mad for a while maybe but fingers crossed won't make too many mistakes whilst she's like this.

I think she will eventually be level again.

Like the others I can only say, keep your (mental) distance , you sound as if you have been very over involved with your daughter and son in law from the start It s definitely early to introduce the child to another but they have been apart a year ( albeit in the same house) when you say she included her on a date that sounds a bit dramatic I presume you meant they went somewhere and took her with them ie park/shopping /meal out, unless they were all over each other (hopefully not) the grandaughter would just see it as going out with mummy and her friend
You say you’re devastated you loved your son in law like your own but that’s too involved your daughter has MS that’s a life changing illness and him deep depression and you don’t know how difficult life had become in their house
It sounds to me as if your daughter is looking for some happiness after years of seriousness and that can only be good for your grandaughter, after she acclimatises

Have your grandaughter when asked, support your daughter if asked, and get on with your own life, you have a husband do your own things together.

At the moment you are living your daughters life and that is what you are used to, let her live her own life now , with MS she might not be able to always then you will be there

You are right, it was as a new friend. It’s just we hear so much about meeting men online. I used to work for the police and have seen the other side of nice. Thank you for your response. Xx

Thank you for those that have responses. I agree with you all. I think for me it has been such a roller coaster these past 18 months I just couldn’t think straight any more. Getting older, supporting your young family, having an elderly member of 92 live with you and life , it’s just all hit the fan. I am going to be here for my granddaughter, we will continue that for her life, I am struggling to be pleasant with my daughter but that’s for me to get to grips with. She’s a grown up and as has been said, hopefully she will go through the madness of being free of the definite strain she has been living with for 18 months or so and I will calm down with less worry. Thank you all for your responses they have been very helpful and settling for me. Xx

If I read correctly your DD has MS, she has a young child, she has started a new job and been abandoned by her husband.. I think she needs all the love you can show her...

Oh I do support her and have been for a very long time, I think that’s why I was struggling. The responses I have had have reiterated to my brain that I am doing everything right and I can now step back and just be there when needed, if needed. I was and am just concerned that involving her child with a “friend meet up” All be it in the park, is too soon after only four dates. When I asked for help I was at my worst but have now accepted this is life today. It moves quickly. Thank you for your response.

JTH65 can I just add, you too have had an "overload" and have been functioning as other people's rock.

Give yourself a pat on the back for just surviving all your various worries. No wonder you are wonderingwhat to do.

Take yourself for a walk now and again - or at least spend an hour in a garden - and breathe some outside air. Blow away some of this accumulated emotional pain for a little while.

I agree with not spaghetti, you have been through your own trauma. My daughter has a disability and I often (always?) feel like I think of her before I think of me and sometimes it’s exhausting.

Everything you’ve posted sounds really hard, really difficult things to cope with and in some ways will explain the break up of the marriage as there was so much stress.

Lots of love to all of you. You’ll all get through it and your grand daughter will be fine x

I agree with others..be the calm, syeadu predictable presence for your GD. Have visits to you associated with consistent familiar smells-for example..your perfume, or favourite flowers, or furniure polish, . Scented candles or loo spray. Keep things routine...the same familar things when she comes. Comforting homecooked foods. Music. Rhymes. Books. Basically all the sensory things that go deep into a child's memory bank. She will feel grounded and safe. You sound a lovely caring gran!

* steady

Typos!