Scared to relocate.

Too many negative comments on here. Your daughter wants you in their family life, just go for it. If you re a social person you will make friends wherever you go. My daughter is a paramedic and lives at least two hour drive away, might see them two or tree times a year. Son and family live thirty to forty mins away and we hardly see them. Son visited on Sunday with our two youngest grandchildren, first time we had seen them in more than four months.

NotSpaghetti -
I really hope so for her sake .
My grandmother was treasured and respected by her mother and me .
I loved being in her company .
If I'm honest , my mother less so . She was often upset , nervous and tense .
My grandmother gave me unconditional love and her time .
I remember a summer evening when some teenage boys cane round to take me to a party .
My grandmother asked me why I wasn't getting ready .
I just didn't want to go .
I looked at her and knew that she spent most evenings alone .
I made an excuse and we sat in the kitchen drinking tea , eating cake and playing cards then games and then we watched TV .
And it was great .

That's a good thought NotSpaghetti
Let's hope so and I guess for my df to remain in Cornwall when her only DC and DGC are all in Scotland, would be lonely.
At least they are still fairly near.

Esmay - maybe when babysitting is no longer required the love she and her grandchildren share will see her through and the children will actually want to see her.
🤞

It seems to be a sad fact of life these days , Grammaretto .
My friend starts shaking when her daughter calls .
She's terrified of her .
I wonder what will happen to her when her services are no longer required .

Exactly that Esmay you could be describing a woman who moved here c10 years ago from Cornwall.
Except in this case the DD doesn't bully her mother but they went on to have 2 more children and her DMs health deteriorated.
Now she's no longer required for babysitting, the family have moved away!
She still misses her beloved Cornwall but has made a life of sorts, here. in the cold north
Watch out mrsbirdy

It sounds as though you'd like a smaller house , but would be reluctant to move to an unknown area .
That is completely understandable.
I know people who've moved to please their children as they've been invaluable in providing childcare and sadly they've found it hard to make new friends and miss their old ones .
I'd express my doubts and feelings to my daughter .
Are they planning another baby?
You need a social life - we all do .
When your daughter and son in law choose an area -have several visits and really find out if you're going to have friends and things that interest you .
It might not sound important to your family ,but believe me it's essential for your well being and sanity .
This week I'll meet up with an friend ,who is widowed and deeply regretting moving to my area ,which is unfriendly from her old one in which she had long term friends and connections .
She's one of many who provides child care and when she can't her daughter loses her temper
and bullies her .
I'll never tell her, but her husband used to tell me that it really distressed him to hear and witness it .
He worried about her future and he was so right .
Seconds into our coffee her daughter will be on the phone wanting a guarantee that she can child mind for an extra day . She has no real social life .

flappergirl

I would think very carefully mrsbirdy. I know your daughter finds the childcare useful and you want to maintain a strong link with your grandchild. But, they grow up so soon. I don't think you can plan your own future around a young couple and a child. They may move again, they may divorce. Also, although you can make acquaintances through groups etc, good friends are not easy to make when you're older. What about your son, is there a plan (if one is needed) for him? Downsizing is a good idea but do think carefully about moving away from everything you know.

I agree.
There would need to be a very good reason for me to move to where my DC live.
I think it's important to stay near friends and all you are used to.
Downsize but stay put is my advice.

Whatever you do don't have a shared house with your daughter. My Childminder years ago sold her house and put most of the money into a large 3 story house in DD and SILs name only. She had the basement flat. Daughter sil and dgc lived above. 18 months on she told me the shouting and rows were horrendous as SIL was having an affair. They divorced, SIL insisted on exactly half the proceeds as childminders money was a gift not a loan. Wouldn't give her anything. She ended up in a small rented flat alone as DD and DGC moved abroad a year after with a new job.
Wait until they move then visit and see if you like the area first and could be happy there.

NotSpaghetti

If you have a good community and friends where you are I don't understand why you would have to move areas just because your daughter wants to move?

Am I missing something?

My thought as well~~~

I would think very carefully mrsbirdy. I know your daughter finds the childcare useful and you want to maintain a strong link with your grandchild. But, they grow up so soon. I don't think you can plan your own future around a young couple and a child. They may move again, they may divorce. Also, although you can make acquaintances through groups etc, good friends are not easy to make when you're older. What about your son, is there a plan (if one is needed) for him? Downsizing is a good idea but do think carefully about moving away from everything you know.

mrsbirdy’s daughter, whilst wishing to have her mum still a part of their lives (not just for childcare) is concerned about her mum losing friends, should she move closer to them, so she is not being selfish, in my opinion. I agree with others that, once her daughter and family have decided where to move, mrs birdy needs to consider very carefully whether the new location would work for her. Much research before you make a decision mrsbirdy.

I think it should be YOUR decision, not theirs.

mrsbirdy

My Daughter, SIL with 3 yr old want to move out of London. They need to commute approx one day a week. They want me to still be in their lives o (I care for 3yr old one day a week, driving 70 miles to do this currently), on my side its just me (widowed 6 years and her brother who lives with me). Thing is they don't know where on the South coast, I don't know where and she is worried about me losing friends. Folkstone was suggested but...? Idk. Bournemouth or Chichester too. Do I just go along with where ever? I know how to join things, I'm fed up living in a big house that needs money spent on it and memories. Any thoughts?

I live in Folkestone we moved here from Dartford when my husband retired in 2007. When he died in 2022 I decided I would stay as I have made many friends in social groups. There are lots of groups here and the town is so much better with all the rejuvenation not perfect and still some 'dodgy' areas but living by the sea in one of the sunniest driest areas suits me.

I cannot work out where you live, but that does not really matter.

In your place, I would wait until my have either moved, or chosen where they want to move to. If they can give you any idea of the places they are considering, you can start looking at house prices there now.

As you are fed up living in your present house, this is the right time to consider a move, once you know where you want to be. But find out now what money you can re asonably expect to have when you go house-hunting.

When they have moved, go to pay them a visit or stay for a week in a bed and breakfast in the town and see what you think of the place.

Right now you could consider contacting two or three estate agents in your neighbourhood and get and idea of what sort of price you can expect realistically to sell your house for in its present condition.

I would not follow advice to do costly repairs or alternations before selling. You will not recoup the expense in the sales price, if you do.

Start deciding what stuff you will get rid of before moving, and dispose of it before the house is to be shown to prospective buyers - the less clutter the better, at that point.

Make sure that attics, cellers, crawl spaces are accessible and not chock -a-block with odds and ends.

How old is the son who lives with you at the present moment, and how does he feel about the move. Will he be moving with your, or finding his own accomodation where you are now?

Chichester is very expensive in comparison to Bournemouth. Whilst Bournemouth is not the town it used to be it has good public transport, access to other Dorset towns and reasonable shops. As people have emigrated to the area , I find that most people get on with each other. I live in Wiltshire now but it is not as friendly as B'mouth ( I think Wiltshire is unfriendly)
Worthing (Goring, Rustington and East Preston)is flat so easy to walk around . The 700 bus service is good
I would suggest looking at Rightmove to look at house prices, checking on public transport in the chosen area (I'm not exaggerating when I say some places only have a bus service twice a week) and what groups are around.

Would you prefer a different home in the area you currently live mrsbirdy?

If you are in London and currently travel 70 miles for your grandchild, surely the south coast is no further?

jeapurs54

I have moved to another area and feel so totally alone, apart from my husband I feel totally lost. My Daughter lives quite close by but works full time, so only see her at some weekends or if she has a day off, when she can take me out for a treat. I have good neighbours one side, and they are very friendly but still feel I have moved and don't know anyone to say shall we go shopping. or out for a cup of tea/coffee etc etc.

Do you knit or sew? If so join a craft group. I belong to 3 now, one I only joined recently as I was under pressure to finish a project and I get distracted at home. Most are really friendly - as long as it remains 'knit and natter' and doesn't become 'bitch and stitch'! The groups I'm in are lovely with a bit of overlap of members too.
If you are fit and well maybe think about volunteering too. I volunteer with 2 organisations and meet lots of lovely people. I also walk with a 'simply walk' group - again great company and some of the walkers are volunteers so again there are overlaps. The more you get involved with the less lonely you will feel. I hope this helps.

A colleague sold up everything when widowed to move nearer to her daughter and help with childcare. It was a huge wrench for her as she'd spent fifty years living in the same place. Less than three years later the daughter's partner was posted abroad! My colleague now has health issues and it's a very remote part of the world so she hadn't gone. She's now stuck in an area she still hasn't settled into with poor health and miles away from old friends. Don't move unless you are sure you'd be happy living there without them!

Allira

Choose somewhere that suits you and you think you might settle well.

You never know if they might move again.

💯 this.
I'd take my time deciding too ..its lovely that you both want to be in each others lives but grandson will be starting school soon & daycare will no longer be needed. Yes downsize but relocate where will be good for you in your older age and & still accessible for/to your family. Good luck 😊

I would take the opportunity to move if you wish to remain involved with your grandchild and don't want to continue with a lengthy commute or the upkeep of a larger property, If they have busy lives, you could take the opportunity to manage the situation by doing some proactive research, taking your preferences, as well as their priorities into account.

One thing I would say is be very careful about moving to Chichester. The traffic is a nightmare and there are lots of problems with drainage because of all the new builds. My daughter moved there and it has gone from being a wonderful place to visit to an awkward place to move around. My daughter can't use the toilet when it rains heavily because of the drainage problems and she is far from being alone.
On the upside, I think they have the best theatres!

My MIL did this when her son moved to the North of England. She had only been there a short time when he was promoted to London and she was stuck there with no friends.

jeapurs54 did you move specifically to be near your daughter or because you really thought you would be happier/make life easier by moving?

My parents moved after retirement but went to an area where they had at least a dozen good friends already. They were very happy there.
It never occurred to either of us that they should move near me.

I have moved to another area and feel so totally alone, apart from my husband I feel totally lost. My Daughter lives quite close by but works full time, so only see her at some weekends or if she has a day off, when she can take me out for a treat. I have good neighbours one side, and they are very friendly but still feel I have moved and don't know anyone to say shall we go shopping. or out for a cup of tea/coffee etc etc.