Is it really a good idea to move again?

Excellent idea butterandjam.

Has he got outside interests like bowls, the gym, men’s shed, golf etc? If so, encourage him to go more often! If not, suggests he joins some. U3A seems popular where we live. Lots of interest groups.

My thoughts exactly, Greciangirl. In addition it’s said the cost of moving can be around £20K - which could cover a few years of management charges?

It sounds very like he’s trying to bully you - don’t give in. I’d refuse point blank - it’s not as if yet another move is for health grounds or to be nearer family, etc? I think he’s got to look at paring things down/renting storage and even some intervention if he’s really hoarding. As FGT says, if he’s internet surfing all hours of the day, why the need to keep all the ‘stuff’?

It's time to stand your ground Extratime. Tell him you are not prepared to move again and that the addional "stuff" needs to be moved out to a storage area or storage and office/workroom he can go to ... and the bills for that should be his not shared.

He's more selfish than he has earned the right to be.

As you are asking the question, obviously you do not feel it would be a good thing to move again.

Moving away from shops within easy distance etc. at your age (the same as mine) is plain stupid, and buying a house again, well.

To me it does not sound as if your DH is going to keep it in repair etc. so could you reach some compromise?

Could he rent a shed, he could use for storing his tools and as a workshop, somewhere near your present flat?

Your post could be read as describing your ideal home, but not his. Or it can be read as you having made new friends and found interesting things to do, while your husband remains seated on his backside, surfing the internet and doing damn-all.

The truth is presumably somewhere between this two harshly described poles.

Is your husband well, ill, depressed, unable to handle the transistion to retirement, or has he always been this way?

Obviously, you love him, otherwise you would not be asking for advice, or putting up with his stuff all over the place.

Will he let you sort through his "stuff" and suggest what could be thrown out (oh blasphemy!) or given away?

Both my parents and my husband could NEVER THROW ANYTHING AWAY. When my father died in 2009, there were clothes and Christmas decorations dating from 1947 when he and my mother married, income tax returns etc. from 1975-2009, things from his parents' home, which my parents had decreed were too good to throw out, but had never used, so I know what you are up against.

My sister, husband and I needed 8 consecutive industrial skips to contain the things we threw out from a house my parents had only lived in since retirement in 1980 till 2002 and 2009 respectively, and they had disposed of a great deal of stuff when moving out of the house my sister and I grew up in. We sold a few pieces of furniture and handed three car loads of clothes into the nearest charity shops.

So show this to your DH and ask him two questions: does he really want to have to sort through all this alone if you predecease him, and does he think it fair to leave you to deal with it, if he goes first?

If you move he will fill that space too.
I think the idea behind why he keeps the items is a good start.
For me it’s because I didn’t have much and everything is precious as I didn’t have much money to replace things .
I worked hard to buy the things I got .
My husband doesn’t look after anything and throws everything away and will re buy it which I think is wasteful.

However now we are older I can think
I have that nice table we don’t need those two older or less nice tables I’ll give them away . We have just got a lovely settee at the moment the old one which is still lovely is looming around but it has to go .
If you have a garage or large shed it does help . 10x8 shed ?

If it were me, I would stay where you are.
And urge DH to keep looking for somewhere that he would like to move to - alone. 😊

Thank you for all your replies. Some really good observations and suggestions.

DH has told me that the reason he has kept all the stuff is because we will need it when we move to a larger place. What upsets me most of all is that I thought this was the last move and that he would gradually get rid of the excess over time.

He has no outside interests and no friends and joining U3A is a no go. He has always been like this but it hasn’t bothered me up to now as I’ve always thought that as long as he doesn’t stop me from persuing my interests, then how he wants to spend his free time is up to him

I agree that ideally he should buy a place of his own but unfortunately we can’t afford that!

I really do think you must stand your ground on staying in the area. He can look for other accommodation as lng as it’s in the area.

Then all you have to do is keep finding reasons why the places you go to look at aren’t suitable or what you want. It can go on for years.

The other thing is to make the second bedroom solely yours. Decorated the way you want and with only the things you want in it. A sitting room just for you where you can escape the clutter of the rest of the house. With a bed settee f you sometimes have to accommodate guests.

As I said before , ften we’re not used to putting our needs first and give way to keep the peace. But I think your life where you are is too important to you to give up.

I met my husband 6 years ago and after two years we decided to pool our resources on the basis that life is short and we wanted to make the most of our time together. He is now 76 and I am 65. we had both had previous partners and time living alone so were aware of the importance of personal space and like many elderly men my ( now) husband is rather stuck in his ways and struggles to declutter his possessions which includes his small model railway.
He owns his flat and through good fortune also owns the one next door so when his tenant wanted to leave I sold my house and moved into the flat next door. After a year we put in a connecting door. We now share a bedroom but otherwise have separate kitchens, bathrooms and living rooms where we meet up and enjoy each others company or retreat when we want space. We got married a year ago. I recommend the arrangement. It could be done with adjoining houses but we prefer combining two small flats and using the money from my house to buy another flat to rent out.
My advice is find a compromise solution rather than you moving again when you are happy where you are. Maybe a nearby flat for yr husband where he can take all his clutter?

We had neighbours (friends) who downsized from a four bedroomed detached house to a two-bedroomed flat. She said it was too drastic a move.

After about two years they upsized to a small detached three-bedroomed house - then, when they had grandchildren who wanted to stay, upsized to a small but lovely four-bedroomed house.

All in the same area so they weren't moving away from friends and some of their family.

If the DH wants to move in order to have a garage for storage, why not just hire a garage or some secure storage?
He says he needs thigs accessible, but why?
If cupboards etc are full to bursting this suggests that things are not being removed and used very often!

Being realistic, one of you will be alone at some point. A larger home would be harder and more expensive. Hoarding might be a sign of depression. Could you find some men’s groups for him to join? Ask your gp surgery for details.

Moving won’t stop the problem. Ask yourself is this right for me, can you manage those fees if one if you are on your own. You knew about them when you moved in.
He is the problem with his boredom and hoarding but he will not change, so do whats best for you. Get a storage unit for him if you stay. Free the place up.

I do wonder how you managed to get him to move to your current home?
It sounds as though he thought it was temporary, but surely this was discussed?
We were able to relocate to a similar sized home in a cheaper location to free up equity but retain space.
My husband has many interests and has laid claim to our garage, large shed and what would have been a dining or sitting room to accommodate all his collections. Things are creeping into our lounge now, but we've agreed a one in, one out policy to try and stem the flow.
You do need to discuss his assumption that you will move back to a larger property as you seem to be completely at odds there. Although maybe you could find a house in the area that would provide either a garage or shed for him to use and free you from service charges.
It's a constant battle to control the stuff and clutter, but it can be managed if you can find somewhere to contain it!
Wishing you luck...

What karmaldy has written

Nana17

I met my husband 6 years ago and after two years we decided to pool our resources on the basis that life is short and we wanted to make the most of our time together. He is now 76 and I am 65. we had both had previous partners and time living alone so were aware of the importance of personal space and like many elderly men my ( now) husband is rather stuck in his ways and struggles to declutter his possessions which includes his small model railway.
He owns his flat and through good fortune also owns the one next door so when his tenant wanted to leave I sold my house and moved into the flat next door. After a year we put in a connecting door. We now share a bedroom but otherwise have separate kitchens, bathrooms and living rooms where we meet up and enjoy each others company or retreat when we want space. We got married a year ago. I recommend the arrangement. It could be done with adjoining houses but we prefer combining two small flats and using the money from my house to buy another flat to rent out.
My advice is find a compromise solution rather than you moving again when you are happy where you are. Maybe a nearby flat for yr husband where he can take all his clutter?

When it comes to your own space that sounds like bliss Nana17.

I'm the same age as you, Extratime. I would be sceptical about moving into a house with stairs in my 70s. I live in a house conversion, and own part of the freehold of the whole house. Is it possible in your area to find a ground floor flat with freehold and access to a garage? Failing that a ground-floor flat in a block with garage. At least a GFF would be future-proofing yourselves.

Thank you all for your advice. It has been really useful and there have been some suggestions I hadn’t thought of.

Moving to a 3 bedroom apartment with a garage in this area seems the best option and compromise and less work for me than a house.

We’ve just had 3 estate agents around to give an evaluation and none of them have come close to what DH thinks our apartment is worth, so I think we shall be here for a while yet!

A house/apartment is worth what someone will pay for it, not what the owner thinks it is worth. An estate agent, knows what it will sell for.

We are in the process of moving house and we didn't bother to view several possible homes, for the simple reason that the price of the house was completely out of line with comparable houses.

I can remember one where the owner had spent a considerable amount of money doing his house up to the nines a few years ago and wanted to get his money back. But the situation of the property didn't justify the amount he had spent and the price was too high - and he clearly would not reduce it, so after 9 months and no price reductions - and no buyers - he took it off the market.

With a bit of luck Extratime that is what will happen in your case and you will be able to stay where you are.

Extratime

Thank you all for your advice. It has been really useful and there have been some suggestions I hadn’t thought of.

Moving to a 3 bedroom apartment with a garage in this area seems the best option and compromise and less work for me than a house.

We’ve just had 3 estate agents around to give an evaluation and none of them have come close to what DH thinks our apartment is worth, so I think we shall be here for a while yet!

What makes your husband think he knows better than the Estate Agent? It’s clearly just another delaying tactic and he needs to pull the wool from his eyes, and also realise it’s not all about him!

Sounds like he is entertaining himself by searching Rightmove. I'd stick to your guns, he chose your present accommodation so needs to make the best of it. The cost of moving in terms of financial and mental stress are huge. Try sneaking things out to the charity shop when you can.

Realistically, Extratime, you can't make your DH get rid of some/much/most of his stuff. If you can afford it, a bigger place seems the likeliest option.
Fortunately, our downsize included a large double garage and a room indoors for his hobbies. DH did promise, a few months before he became unwell, to clear things out. He did feel very sad and guilty, on his deathbed, that it would be left for me to manage.

My DH would need at least 3 garages for all his (useless/untidy stuff). These men are just unreasonable.

And we live in a 5-double-bed house!